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jsharr

Why does getting old have to suck so bad

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Adding you two to the prayer list.  wow, it's getting too long!

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16 minutes ago, 12string said:

Adding you two to the prayer list.  wow, it's getting too long!

Thank you.  There is power in prayer.  

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22 minutes ago, Longjohn said:

They can get home health care on Medicare. We have the best people coming in to help with Esther. Two aides just left, they washed her hair, gave her her bath, lotioned her up head to toe, changed all the bedding and pads. Even got some smiles out of my wife in spite of her pain.

I told her the same thing, but she refused to accept this.  Not sure how I can act on her behalf here, but I need to figure it out.

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I am sorry.  It's especially hard when you see the people who have always been your strength get weaker.  Sending prayers and you are each lucky to have each other.

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23 minutes ago, jsharr said:

Not sure how I can act on her behalf here, but I need to figure it out.

Start with contacting the Senior Service office in the county where they live.  If there is actual concern for their safety then you need to contact the County Department of Social Services.

It's what they do.  Some are better than others but they are paid to help you help them.

 

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 I'm sorry... wishing you all strength, and better days. 

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Their doctor can set it up for them for the home health care and aides. Ours did.

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15 minutes ago, TrentonMakes said:

 I'm sorry... wishing you all strength, and better days. 

This

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I'm 69, and friends and relatives who are in their 80's and still living in their homes are telling me to really think about selling my house after it's rebuilt from the fire and renting an apartment because maintaining the yard, house, etc. will get harder as time goes on.

My thinking is that the house will be new, nothing much to repair for a decade, so I'll think about moving around then or if I become less mobile before then.

I love the convenience of the luxury apartment I'm in, but definitely miss the yard, the car parked much closer to the door, etc.

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I’m the praying type, and I hear your needs.

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Jeff, I’m sorry.

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1 hour ago, MickinMD said:

I'm 69, and friends and relatives who are in their 80's and still living in their homes are telling me to really think about selling my house after it's rebuilt from the fire and renting an apartment because maintaining the yard, house, etc. will get harder as time goes on.

My thinking is that the house will be new, nothing much to repair for a decade, so I'll think about moving around then or if I become less mobile before then.

I love the convenience of the luxury apartment I'm in, but definitely miss the yard, the car parked much closer to the door, etc.

When you first mentioned about having a house rebuilt..I really wondered.  I'm sure you'll make a good decision and not compromise on future mobility issues within one's home.  I have a long time friend about a decade younger than I  (51 yrs.):  she lives solo in a 3 bedroom 2 storey house.  She is now having problems with many months of carpal tunnel syndrome:  she can barely lift anything much with her hands.  She also has a painful hip problem from someone slamming into her on a ski hill.  I doubt she ever dreamt she would have these physical issues when she bought her house.

Whatever you do, choose to live close to a park where there's paths/space to walk, bike far.  I know where we've lived over the years in various cities, it's just nice within 5 min. walk ..or bike ride, you're there. And it's yours to enjoy also, courtesy of your city.

A lot of people have this sort of stereotyped idea how awful it is to live in the city. It doesn't need to be, one just has to take time to check out various locations with also tree canopy, etc.   I wake up early morning and hear birds twittering in the trees...and they are not pooping on the balcony (another stereotype).

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:( ya sucks for sure. On them and us who care for/about them. Prayers n vibes sent.

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HoSmudge went through similar things with his folks. His mom suffered with dementia, and his dad just didn't know what to do.  His mom was certain she didn't need help, but she obviously did. They finally had to put her in a memory care unit. Good people worked there, but HoSmudge could never get them to understand they need to write their conversations on a whiteboard because his mom was 90% deaf. Once she was told what was going on, she was much easier for them to work with. But try to get them to jot down a few words each time....sigh.  His dad ended up living at the VA. He had a great roommate, but he was still not comfortable to be there.

If his folks (his mom) had agreed to home healthcare, they might have been able to live at home longer.

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2 hours ago, Longjohn said:

Their doctor can set it up for them for the home health care and aides. Ours did.

My brother and I both told her this.  She refuses to believe us.

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1 hour ago, MickinMD said:

I'm 69, and friends and relatives who are in their 80's and still living in their homes are telling me to really think about selling my house after it's rebuilt from the fire and renting an apartment because maintaining the yard, house, etc. will get harder as time goes on.

My thinking is that the house will be new, nothing much to repair for a decade, so I'll think about moving around then or if I become less mobile before then.

I love the convenience of the luxury apartment I'm in, but definitely miss the yard, the car parked much closer to the door, etc.

Mom and Dad sold their property on the lake, as an acre was too much to keep up with and they were far from emergency services when ever Dad fell.

Moved into a bungalow in a retirement commnity.  Had to sell lots of furniture, but everything is taken care of.  Mom still cleans the house and does laundry, etc.

She still, until Covid, went out shopping, got Dad to appointments, church, etc.   But taking care of my father is like taking care of a 120 lb. toddler at this point.  Hard to type that, but true.

They have a two car garage and a yard.

Will lose all that if they hae to move accross the street to the retirment center.  The apartments are small and do not have much room.  When they built it, they built too many small rooms and not enought two bedroom units and even the ones they built are too small.

All the reasons you listed are the reasons they are fighting us so hard on moving.

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43 minutes ago, Allen said:

Jeff, I’m sorry.

I know you are.  I know everyone hear is actually.  This just sucks and I am not in a position that I can solve this by spending money.

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I don’t know how much home health care you can get on regular Medicare but we had plenty of help. Once my wife went on hospice care it’s unlimited, she could have a nurse seven days a week if needed.

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Sorry to hear this. We'll keep you all in our thoughts and prayers. 80s are coming pretty fast for us.

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Prayers sent.

IMO living at home, with some kind of healthcare assistance, is better than an assisted living.  Your parents would still have a feeling of independence rather then dependence.  I’d work on that, with your parents. I’m sure they may not like that change, but hopefully after a while with help, they may appreciate getting help.

WoBG and I have lived thru this, and it’s not easy.  Not easy at all…   My MIL had dementia for 9 years. My mother for less than 2 years.  Be strong…  do what you can…  

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Adding you to my prayer list. 

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We are independent living...but people age in place..we do not provide healthcare folks..but lots of our residents have them...one couple has 24 hour care..it is hard when you have to promote the change...Our criteria is "is mom safe" and second " does dad's behavior or health interfere with other residents"...We have a lady who should have never been allowed to move in..her dementia is not good..but she was safe and her only interference was so many residents felt compelled to look after her. Well, last weekend she told a woman she gonna walk up the hill (no hills by us) that resident called another..who went looking for her..and found her not too far away...and the board got involved. Family is now looking for another option..then yesterday..the same woman went into our mailroom  and started opening someone else's package...so not only is is a danger to herself..but her behavior is now affecting others 😥

It is hard..sometimes you can say "do this for me...so I don't  worry"....push the safety  thing..I wish I had answers...I work with this daily..some people understand and are ready...and others fight it...hugs and prayers

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@jsharr This is hard to put into words but I will do the best I can. Your parents are in their 80's. They are remarkable to have made it this far. One hundred years ago, five hundred years ago this would have seemed impossible as life expectancy was much much lower. Humans don't have much recent experience to draw on in relation to aging. This is the first time in theirs and your lives that they are this old. It is new territory for everyone, so don't be scared. Tell yourself and your folks, that we will make the best of it. How I approached this with my Mom was baby steps. Talk about their long lives. And take a break. Another day, talk about what they have accomplished. Then, another day, talk about plans for the future. Mom, what do you want? Make conversations but don't force the issue. You are planting seeds for them to think about when you aren't there. Those seeds will grow into ideas. And those ideas will become plans and then actions. From here in VA, probably the best solution is to age in place with home health visits paid by Medicare. Your parents paid for this their whole working lives, they should reap the benefits now. 

Baby steps, plant seeds farmer jsharr. I copied your first sentence, this says a lot.

My parents are incredible people.  Both self made from poor beginnings to successful, happy, people.  I wanted for nothing.

PS my dad’s father died in his 40’s from an aneurysm; my dad was 10. My mom’s father died in his 40’s from a heart attack, she was 12. My dad died from cancer at 76. Mom is still kicking at 88. I’m almost 61, so I feel I beat the odds given my family history.

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2 hours ago, jsharr said:

I know you are.  I know everyone hear is actually.  This just sucks and I am not in a position that I can solve this by spending money.

Very sorry you and your family are going through this. Strength to you.

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6 hours ago, jsharr said:

My parents are incredible people.  Both self made from poor beginnings to successful, happy, people.  I wanted for nothing.

Now in their 80s.

Dad can barely function.  Sits in a chair in the den unless he is asleep.  Shutting down.  Can't really walk or control many of his functions and it is an affront to his pride.  Hypertension, diabetes, and general apathy have left him close to invalid.

Mom has had several small strokes (TIA's) in the last few years.  She had another this past weekend and I have been down there to help her out until things normalize.  Hears voices and see things as a result.  Mind still sharp and she can function pretty well, but all the strange side effects of the strokes have left her a bit confused about what were once simple tasks.  She has good day, more than bad, but taking care of dad beats her down.

They could afford in home health care, but refuse to get it.  She finally broke down and hoefully agreed to have a house keeper come and clean once per week.

They really need to be in managed care for dad, but now is a horrible time to move them, so not going to happen, so we wil just have to figure out how to visit more often and work to get them some help at their home.

If you are the praying type, Paul and Doris could sure use your prayers right now.

Me too.  Watching them slowly deteriorate is crushing my soul.

I feel you. I feel you. And wish I didn't.

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I found, watching your parents health diminish to be exceedingly sad.  It just seems to happen far too soon and in many cases be far too cruel.  Sorry jsharr.  

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12 hours ago, Old#7 said:

@jsharr This is hard to put into words but I will do the best I can. Your parents are in their 80's. They are remarkable to have made it this far. One hundred years ago, five hundred years ago this would have seemed impossible as life expectancy was much much lower. Humans don't have much recent experience to draw on in relation to aging. This is the first time in theirs and your lives that they are this old. It is new territory for everyone, so don't be scared. Tell yourself and your folks, that we will make the best of it. How I approached this with my Mom was baby steps. Talk about their long lives. And take a break. Another day, talk about what they have accomplished. Then, another day, talk about plans for the future. Mom, what do you want? Make conversations but don't force the issue. You are planting seeds for them to think about when you aren't there. Those seeds will grow into ideas. And those ideas will become plans and then actions. From here in VA, probably the best solution is to age in place with home health visits paid by Medicare. Your parents paid for this their whole working lives, they should reap the benefits now. 

Baby steps, plant seeds farmer jsharr. I copied your first sentence, this says a lot.

My parents are incredible people.  Both self made from poor beginnings to successful, happy, people.  I wanted for nothing.

PS my dad’s father died in his 40’s from an aneurysm; my dad was 10. My mom’s father died in his 40’s from a heart attack, she was 12. My dad died from cancer at 76. Mom is still kicking at 88. I’m almost 61, so I feel I beat the odds given my family history.

My father lost his mother to cancer, his dad to old age, one brother to suicide and one to murder.   His life has had it's share of tragedy.  My mother is the last of her family as well.    They are pretty much the last of their generation in our family. 

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@jsharr, the parallels between our parents are sometimes spooky! My mom finally took some in-home assistance for Dad after she collapsed and had to be in the hospital for a couple days. A fever was involved, but it was the reality check that she needed to realize she couldn't do it all. Still, she insisted he stay at home even when he became a 200 lb lump. She wanted to be the one to take care of him. 

When he did pass last year, she realized, good and bad, just how much it had been wearing on her. She had to get her legs back when out in public. She was so used to pushing his wheelchair, she had to find her balance again. She also found out how much free time she now had. She is a social person so made the best of it having coffee and lunch with friends and doing things at the church. 

She also has accepted the reality that she will need assistance some day. She looks at assisted living near each of us brothers to explore her options. She is 78. She says her family has usually lasted to early 80s. She doesn't know how much time she has left so she wants to make the most of it. 

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1 hour ago, groupw said:

@jsharr, the parallels between our parents are sometimes spooky! My mom finally took some in-home assistance for Dad after she collapsed and had to be in the hospital for a couple days. A fever was involved, but it was the reality check that she needed to realize she couldn't do it all. Still, she insisted he stay at home even when he became a 200 lb lump. She wanted to be the one to take care of him. 

When he did pass last year, she realized, good and bad, just how much it had been wearing on her. She had to get her legs back when out in public. She was so used to pushing his wheelchair, she had to find her balance again. She also found out how much free time she now had. She is a social person so made the best of it having coffee and lunch with friends and doing things at the church. 

She also has accepted the reality that she will need assistance some day. She looks at assisted living near each of us brothers to explore her options. She is 78. She says her family has usually lasted to early 80s. She doesn't know how much time she has left so she wants to make the most of it. 

That all our parents would be so sensible... 

My dad is 84, he's about half out of it, memories get stuck on replay. But he won't leave his house.

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I have a few cousins in their 80's that I check-in with about once a week or so, none of them have computers though 2 have Kindle Fires and do Facebook, etc. and their big problem is mobility on top of pain.  So unlike most of us who could do almost all we need online if we had to, they have to go to the bank, do snail mail, etc. unless their kids, nieces and nephews, etc. help - and they often don't want to admit they need help.

One HAD to get to the local water company's office today because she didn't get to the bank on time to have them forward her payment (doesn't know how to do online banking and is scared to try).  She's having serious knee and ankle problems.  Her daughter wants to do it for her but she says her daughter's husband will make a big complaint about it - I know him well and he's a very amiable guy. I doubt it.  So I think she just wants to be completely independent and not admit she needs help.  She says she's "really depressed" thanks to the pandemic.  I think it's also because she can't stand being limited.  I wonder how I'll handle that when the time comes.

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17 hours ago, jsharr said:

This is Paul and Doris

 

15889071519672772817293807564302.jpg

@Square Wheels or @Kzoo can someone in housekeeping please straighten my pic up?  

 

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Could you help convince your Mom to accept some help from a home health aide by emphasizing that it's for your Dad's benefit?   My parents would often do things for the other that they wouldn't do for themselves.

 

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Sorry very sorry to hear this.  

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1 hour ago, jsharr said:

@Square Wheels or @Kzoo can someone in housekeeping please straighten my pic up?  

 

Actually from this angle they could drink out of Ralph’s coffee mug without spilling. 
 

I feel your pain with these aging issues. My Dad is disabled with Pulmonary Fibrosis, and my mom seems to have onset of some sort of memory loss. My oldest brother and I are the financial committee and the other brothers are the medical committee. 

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