My Mother has this very annoying habit

[Dirtyhip]

If I talk to her about something in our lives, she tends to be against some of my plans.  If it turns out to be my husband's idea... Well, then it is a fantastic idea.

When I told her that possibly we wanted to move, because of some problems at our home in the last couple of years.  She sorta scolded me and was like "You are never happy.  Your house is perfectly fine."  I told her it was the neighborhood that was degrading.  She tells me that all neighborhoods have issues.  

Agreed.  All places have positives and negatives.

So, we end up buying this property.  I told her that my husband has had it with this location and that he wants us to move and build a nice new home.  She says "Your husband is so smart.  I trust that this a good idea.  If he wants to do this, then you should go."

Totally changed her tune, when it is his idea.  She constantly does this.  It isn't just this house.  It is anything that is his idea vs. mine.

 

[Ralphie ★]

Serenity now.  Just go with the flow.  You'll never change her.

[Dirtyhip]

2 minutes ago, Philander Seabury said:

Serenity now.  Just go with the flow.  You'll never change her.

I hate to say this but this has gotten far worse in the years that she has been a member of church. They tend to be very men focused.   But maybe that is a trait that is in many churches.  

[Page Turner]

...every time I got divorced, my mother said it was my own fault.  IDK, in retrospect maybe she was right.

[Ralphie ★]

6 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

I hate to say this but this has gotten far worse in the years that she has been a member of church. They tend to be very men focused.   But maybe that is a trait that is in many churches.  

My daughter #2 goes on and on aboot the patriarchy. She would probably agree that's a big factor.

[JerrySTL ★]

1. Don't talk to her.

2. If you do, make sure it's your hubby's idea.

About half of WoJSTL's siblings and father play those kinds of games. I tell her to just don't call them which she does sometimes for a couple of weeks. 

[Dirtyhip]

Just now, Philander Seabury said:

My daughter #2 goes on and on aboot the patriarchy. She would probably agree that's a big factor.

She is correct.  

In my Mom's church, the women can only hold certain positions.  They would never be the ones giving church lecture or making decisions. 

 

1 minute ago, JerrySTL said:

1. Don't talk to her.

2. If you do, make sure it's your hubby's idea.

About half of WoJSTL's siblings and father play those kinds of games. I tell her to just don't call them which she does sometimes for a couple of weeks. 

Heck, I go about two weeks at a time between calls.  That is the other annoying thing.  She never ever ever picks up the phone to call or text.  She will respond and then be like "I have not heard from you."  

The call is like my johb as a daughter.  If i don't do it, she guilts me.

[shootingstar]

What does your mother like about what you do?  I mean all along even before meeting your hubby?  Does she like your soapmaking, your cooking style, etc.?

I think my mother is generally pleased her adult children (ranging from 61 to 51 yrs.) are in very good health.  That means.......it's proof, we did listen to her decades ago, about healthy cooking/dishes.  She also knows her daughters are self-sufficient if necessary, it areas of sewing/garment making since it was a skill she helped coached us.  

The thing about my mother, we're not going to hear verbally tons of praise.  If she is not critiquing much in these areas of our lives...that means she's fine/happy about how we're handling it.

 

[Dirtyhip]

Just now, shootingstar said:

What does your mother like about what you do?  I mean all along even before meeting your hubby?

Not sure.  She seems to complain about most things I like. 

I think she admires my athleticism, but to me she says my drive is crazy.  

[shootingstar]

13 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

Not sure.  She seems to complain about most things I like. 

I think she admires my athleticism, but to me she says my drive is crazy.  

Then take her compliment light-heartedly and say: " I got it from you".   I mean that quite seriously. My strong style...at times...comes from her.

[shootingstar]

14 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

Not sure.  She seems to complain about most things I like. 

I think she admires my athleticism, but to me she says my drive is crazy.  

Have you praised her recently?

I make sure when I ask about her health, etc., I make sure I tell her it's good she cooks healthy/well.  'Cause we/my sibs are all grateful we have never had to worry about this at all with our mother.  She gave that skill/knowledge to US.   Thank God. I feel sorry for people who worry about their aging parent's unhealthy diet.  We would be laughed off the couch if we ever told her how to eat healthy.

[Dirtyhip]

 

1 minute ago, shootingstar said:

Have you praised her recently?

Praised her?   I have and do.  Like, I love you and thank you for this or that.

[shootingstar]

15 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

 

Praised her?   I have and do.  Like, I love you and thank you for this or that.

Maybe it's a good thing she lives at a distance.  However, she probably misses you...she probably remembers you as a baby.

[Dirtyhip]

9 minutes ago, shootingstar said:

Have you praised her recently?

I make sure when I ask about her health, etc., I make sure I tell her it's good she cooks healthy/well.  'Cause we/my sibs are all grateful we have never had to worry about this at all with our mother.  She gave that skill/knowledge to US.   Thank God. I feel sorry for people who worry about their aging parent's unhealthy diet.  We would be laughed off the couch if we ever told her how to eat healthy.

I do not approve of the way she eats.  I do not approve of the fact that she never did any exercise and now she has very poor health.

Her life and mine could not be more polar opposite. 

[shootingstar]

9 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

I do not approve of the way she eats.  I do not approve of the fact that she never did any exercise and now she has very poor health.

Her life and mine could not be more polar opposite. 

My mother has never exercised... very different from another good friend of mine, who is Chinese-Canadian. Her mother is outgoing in a gentle way and did exercise until she fell 2 yrs. ago.

We never told mother to exercise.  It was kind of pointless, when she used to walk to grocery store to buy groceries for her children when we didn't have a car until I was 14 yrs. old.  One of us was always asked to help her carry groceries or pull buggy.  How could we tell my mother to exercise, after raising 6 children, with 20 yrs. per child?

That's why we are so grateful she cooked healthy and taught us this /level of awareness when young. 

I remember I screaming at mother in my 20's, why wasn't she like other mothers to talk with?  Do you know what happened?  She cried and said she tried so hard for her children.  I deserved that terrible comment. My father gently told me to leave the room.

[ChrisL]

1 hour ago, Dirtyhip said:

If I talk to her about something in our lives, she tends to be against some of my plans.  If it turns out to be my husband's idea... Well, then it is a fantastic idea.

When I told her that possibly we wanted to move, because of some problems at our home in the last couple of years.  She sorta scolded me and was like "You are never happy.  Your house is perfectly fine."  I told her it was the neighborhood that was degrading.  She tells me that all neighborhoods have issues.  

Agreed.  All places have positives and negatives.

So, we end up buying this property.  I told her that my husband has had it with this location and that he wants us to move and build a nice new home.  She says "Your husband is so smart.  I trust that this a good idea.  If he wants to do this, then you should go."

Totally changed her tune, when it is his idea.  She constantly does this.  It isn't just this house.  It is anything that is his idea vs. mine.

 

Yeah that’s a tough one.  My mom used to piss me off frequently but as she aged I just decided to stop caring what she said or did and just be civil.  Her last years were the best in our relationship as I decided to stop being pissed off at her.

[Ralphie ★]

I am so thankful that my mother really needs no filtering. She is a worrier but then so was her mother and so am I. We all got that gene, for better or worse. 

[shootingstar]

31 minutes ago, ChrisL said:

Yeah that’s a tough one.  My mom used to piss me off frequently but as she aged I just decided to stop caring what she said or did and just be civil.  Her last years were the best in our relationship as I decided to stop being pissed off at her.

True, for some of us..it can take a long time to stop being pissed off.  I just remind myself how tough she had it in raising us.  

[Airehead]

I think mothers sometimes see their children as children long into adulthood. Our spouses are seen as adults. 

[Dirtyhip]

4 minutes ago, Airehead said:

I think mothers sometimes see their children as children long into adulthood. Our spouses are seen as adults. 

I didn't consider this dynamic.

Still, she is very rude about men always being right and we must bow to their needs and wants.

It's a partnership.  

[ChrisL]

2 hours ago, shootingstar said:

True, for some of us..it can take a long time to stop being pissed off.  I just remind myself how tough she had it in raising us.  

Well you can carry the grudge to her. grave or just let it go. I let it go and was happier for it.

[Prophet Zacharia]

5 minutes ago, Airehead said:

I think mothers sometimes see their children as children long into adulthood. Our spouses are seen as adults. 

Probably true. 
@Dirtyhip just play the game. Every major decision you inform her of, let it be K’s idea. You and he can sit back and laugh about it, but she’ll she an endless beam of positivity on your phone calls.

[ChrisL]

6 minutes ago, Airehead said:

I think mothers sometimes see their children as children long into adulthood. Our spouses are seen as adults. 

I think there is truth to this. The issue for parents is you see how a person is as a child and they carry these traits into adulthood.   My son is a scatter brain, loses shit constantly as a child  and still does as an adult.  Parents have seen these traits  for ages and can’t let it go.

[Airehead]

12 hours ago, Dirtyhip said:

I didn't consider this dynamic.

Still, she is very rude about men always being right and we must bow to their needs and wants.

It's a partnership.  

Of course it is, but that wasn't her era.  Also, it means she can take less responsibility for herself which some people find comforting.  If she were to admit to the ability of women to lead, make decisions, and generally be fully functioning; it would mean she had to step up and do it too.  That scares some people.

[Dirtyhip]

2 hours ago, Airehead said:

Of course it is, but that wasn't her era.  Also, it means she can take less responsibility for herself which some people find comforting.  If she were to admit to the ability of women to lead, make decisions, and generally be fully functioning; it would mean she had to step up and do it too.  That scares some people.

She lives alone.  She has worked hard her whole life.  She pretty much raised me without my Father around.  I wish she would empower herself more as the woman she is.  She is powerful.  Why doesn't she stand up to the patriarchy in her church.  Maybe she could make great changes in this world.  

Although, she did move back home with her parent.  So I was raised by her, and Grandma and Grandpa. Maybe you are correct about fear.