Popular Post LoneWolf Posted October 20, 2020 Popular Post Share #1 Posted October 20, 2020 I received a call from my mother today at work; she was at the hospital with WoHB. WoHB has decided not to undergo chemo. She will be transferring to a managed care hospice facility for pain management only. I would guess she has six months, give or take. I had already told her that I would counsel her in all life decisions, but that the decisions would be hers and hers alone, unless she wanted otherwise. I understand this decison; she wants quality over quantity, and I understand that. But I am still processing. It has an air of finality we haven't yet had. And the house seems so empty. I don't know if she'll ever be here again. I don't know if the cats will ever see her again. And for the first time, it is certain I will truly be a widower. In a day or so, I will be able to be stoic again; to stiffen my shoulders, and my upper lip. But right now, I can only grieve. 15 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtyhip Posted October 20, 2020 Share #2 Posted October 20, 2020 I am very sorry to hear of your families pain. This is tough stuff. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheep_herder ★ Posted October 20, 2020 Share #3 Posted October 20, 2020 I understand, and we'll keep you all in our thoughts and prayers. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Longjohn ★ Posted October 20, 2020 Popular Post Share #4 Posted October 20, 2020 That’s a hard decision to make. I’ll pray for some quality time with her. She might surprise you, my wife is still hanging on and doesn’t seem to be any worse than when she started on hospice over ten months ago. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Square Wheels Posted October 20, 2020 Share #5 Posted October 20, 2020 So painful to hear, very sorry. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kzoo Posted October 20, 2020 Share #6 Posted October 20, 2020 So sorry HB. Praying for the Peace that surpasses our understanding. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jsharr ★ Posted October 20, 2020 Share #7 Posted October 20, 2020 I grieve with you. Again, words fail me as I try to imagine myself in your stead. Stay strong brother. Remember to take care of yourself as you pour yourself out into your wife in your remaining time together. Prayers for peace and understanding for you both. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 20, 2020 Share #8 Posted October 20, 2020 Sorry HB. We will be praying for you and for your wife. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrapr ★ Posted October 20, 2020 Share #9 Posted October 20, 2020 I'm so sorry HB. Cancer is a freaking bastard. We did this not long ago. My only advice is hug her tight. I miss WoScrapr's hugs so much. Say everything. What she wants done for a Celebration/service. Special gifts for friends. The end comes faster than you can imagine. So say it now. *also get passwords. I have not been able to crack her I phones. Your wife is very brave 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randomguy Posted October 20, 2020 Share #10 Posted October 20, 2020 Fuck. I am floored from what you both have to go through. I know you will be tough because there is nothing else you can do, but it just sucks all the way around. I am sorry for you, and wish I could help in some way. I know everyone here is thinking about you, and constant well-wishes are heading your way. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petitepedal ★ Posted October 20, 2020 Share #11 Posted October 20, 2020 Damn dust....here I sit with tears..sending you both hugs and prayers...sneak the cats into hospice...(what could happen if you let a cat out of a bag) I understand the quality over quantity...and wish you both peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoneWolf Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share #12 Posted October 21, 2020 2 hours ago, Longjohn said: That’s a hard decision to make. I’ll pray for some quality time with her. She might surprise you, my wife is still hanging on and doesn’t seem to be any worse than when she started on hospice over ten months ago. Based on her liver damage (worse than we realized), time may be limited to weeks. The oncologist approved our choice; it's unknown if her body could stand up to the chemo, and it's entirely possible that if it did, it would just add misery to the time we still have. I hope you are still making beautiful memories of your wife. I agree; hold them tight, and hold fast. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airehead Posted October 21, 2020 Share #13 Posted October 21, 2020 Thinking of you as you walk this path. It sucks as you already know. Do and say everything your heart wants. Celebrate your relationship and the love you share. Prayers that you fine peace in difficult times. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rattlecan ★ Posted October 21, 2020 Share #14 Posted October 21, 2020 So sorry to hear HB. I know you will make the remaining time count. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Longjohn ★ Posted October 21, 2020 Share #15 Posted October 21, 2020 21 minutes ago, Honey Badger said: Based on her liver damage (worse than we realized), time may be limited to weeks. The oncologist approved our choice; it's unknown if her body could stand up to the chemo, and it's entirely possible that if it did, it would just add misery to the time we still have. I hope you are still making beautiful memories of your wife. I agree; hold them tight, and hold fast. My wife’s birthday is Friday and our son’s family is bringing dinner. On one hand I hate the grandkids seeing her like this but at their ages they might not even remember her if they don’t see her now. The older girls have lots of good memories with her. Caring for her is a lot of work but she doesn’t seem to be in pain. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirby Posted October 21, 2020 Share #16 Posted October 21, 2020 So devastated to hear this , and it must be so hard to process because this has all happened so quickly. There is no way to make sense of any of this. But I'll pray for you both and all who love her. Please know we're here if you just want to vent or want a place where you don't have to be strong. Let us know if you want to talk "in person" . 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoneWolf Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share #17 Posted October 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Scrapr said: I'm so sorry HB. Cancer is a freaking bastard. We did this not long ago. My only advice is hug her tight. I miss WoScrapr's hugs so much. Say everything. What she wants done for a Celebration/service. Special gifts for friends. The end comes faster than you can imagine. So say it now. *also get passwords. I have not been able to crack her I phones. Your wife is very brave She is. I suppose she can rib me for the pressure I gave her for never putting a password on her phone. I'm already working on all of the logistics. I handle big things (loans, taxes, etc) but she's the day-to-day finance person, so I'm making sure I have things so I avoid drowning in "I-don't-knows". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrapr ★ Posted October 21, 2020 Share #18 Posted October 21, 2020 I just thought of something else you may want to do. Video some conversations. I have only a 3 second video of WoScrapr. I wish I had a few more Don't worry about "being strong" for her. Let the tears flow. Reminisce about the day you proposed, the day you got married, your favorite vacation. Spend as much time as you can with her. You will not regret it (and that goes for all of you too) The rest of it will take care of itself. WoScrapr took care of the day to day & kept statements...which helped. You can let a bunch of that go for awhile. Or look at the checkbook for last month. In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter that much. <hugs> edit: Friends are going to want to help you. Let them. Make a list of specific jobs they can pick from....or be asked to do. Lawnmowing, meals, looking after pets. Your brain is going to be going 100 mph. Let them take some pressure off 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shootingstar Posted October 21, 2020 Share #19 Posted October 21, 2020 Very hard, HB. She needs to see you / be with her each day which you will be (how will that work during covid time??). Does she like any music, will they allow something to be played very low for short time? I'm sorry to hear this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoneWolf Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share #20 Posted October 21, 2020 50 minutes ago, shootingstar said: Very hard, HB. She needs to see you / be with her each day which you will be (how will that work during covid time??). Does she like any music, will they allow something to be played very low for short time? I'm sorry to hear this. The care facility will allow three visitors at a time. We will limit visitors to family and close friends (that will still be a lot); if we did not, imagine the French storming the Bastille. 27 years of fellow teachers, students, principals, our church, my family (she only has her sister and mother, but them too...) In sixteen years, I don't know if I've ever seen/heard my sister-in-law cry. She bawled her eyes out tonight, and I don't blame her. My mother-in-law's breast cancer has returned, and while oral chemo is keeping it at bay and shrinking the tumors, it won't last forever. At some point, my SiL will be the last of her family, and that's got to be a very lonely feeling. She's also going to need to explain it to our nephew, who is 13, and while he won't show it outwardly (he's not very emotional). P.S. The BRCA-2 gene sucks. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirby Posted October 21, 2020 Share #21 Posted October 21, 2020 I hope you and her family will be able to support one another. It can be important to share your feelings with people who have shared memories and experiences. You are both fortunate to have so many friends who want to be there to support you. It can seem overwhelming, but let them know how and when they can be helpful. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petitepedal ★ Posted October 21, 2020 Share #22 Posted October 21, 2020 I still think you can sneak a kitty in...in a sack...better ask forgiveness than permission. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoneWolf Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share #23 Posted October 21, 2020 1 minute ago, Kirby said: I hope you and her family will be able to support one another. It can be important to share your feelings with people who have shared memories and experiences. Right now, my sister is half beside herself. She, her husband, and our four nieces are missionaries in the Philippines, and the US botched COVID so badly, that while people can come into the US, they can't go back out, since everyone has closed their borders to us. She wants to come her so badly to be with us both, but couldn't go back to her kids. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoneWolf Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share #24 Posted October 21, 2020 1 minute ago, petitepedal said: I still think you can sneak a kitty in...in a sack...better ask forgiveness than permission. Hospice allows animal visits if you plan ahead. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petitepedal ★ Posted October 21, 2020 Share #25 Posted October 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, Honey Badger said: Hospice allows animal visits if you plan ahead. Bring all the kitties at one time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirby Posted October 21, 2020 Share #26 Posted October 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, Honey Badger said: Right now, my sister is half beside herself. She, her husband, and our four nieces are missionaries in the Philippines, and the US botched COVID so badly, that while people can come into the US, they can't go back out, since everyone has closed their borders to us. She wants to come her so badly to be with us both, but couldn't go back to her kids. How hard for your sister. I'm sure she wants to be with you both, but obviously her kids need her. But it's good to know she is with you in the future, when the current activity quiets down and you just want to talk to someone. I'm sure she'll find many ways to provide support both now and in the years to come. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoseySusan Posted October 21, 2020 Share #27 Posted October 21, 2020 I read your name change thread before this one. I’m sorry to hear about your wife. As stoic as you want to be, there’s a blessing in tears. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bikeguy Posted October 21, 2020 Share #28 Posted October 21, 2020 6 hours ago, Honey Badger said: today at work Can you get time off from work? Twice over the 38 years with WoBG, she has been very sick. In the late 80s she somehow got toxic shock syndrome. That was very bad. Then in 2006 breast cancer. In both cases I was still working, but somehow I found time to be with my wife and/or the doctors. (WoBG has been cancer free since 2006.) Prayers for your wife and you.. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bikeman564™ Posted October 21, 2020 Share #29 Posted October 21, 2020 This truly sucks HB, prayers & vibes sent for strength. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post LoneWolf Posted October 21, 2020 Author Popular Post Share #30 Posted October 21, 2020 11 hours ago, Bikeguy said: Can you get time off from work? Twice over the 38 years with WoBG, she has been very sick. In the late 80s she somehow got toxic shock syndrome. That was very bad. Then in 2006 breast cancer. In both cases I was still working, but somehow I found time to be with my wife and/or the doctors. (WoBG has been cancer free since 2006.) Prayers for your wife and you.. I work at the best job I've ever had. They have already regularly told me "Your family comes first. You tell us what you need." They sent me an Uber Eats gift card early on so that if WoHB felt like eating; we could choose based on what her GI tract told her. Yesterday, I e-mailed my two bosses and a supervisor of the change in WoHB's condition. Within fifteen minutes, they came to me and told me to leave, and take the rest of the week off. They gave me a big group hug, and after I left, arranged an (optional) group prayer in the conference room later that day for myself and WoHB. I got a text last evening that said "Praying for you; we love you." I told them the same back. The culture in my workplace is something I've never seen before; it perfectly meets the definition of the word "community". They're nothing short of amazing, and I'm grateful to them for it. 2 3 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MickinMD ★ Posted October 22, 2020 Share #31 Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/20/2020 at 5:26 PM, Honey Badger said: I received a call from my mother today at work; she was at the hospital with WoHB. WoHB has decided not to undergo chemo. She will be transferring to a managed care hospice facility for pain management only. I would guess she has six months, give or take. I had already told her that I would counsel her in all life decisions, but that the decisions would be hers and hers alone, unless she wanted otherwise. I understand this decison; she wants quality over quantity, and I understand that. But I am still processing. It has an air of finality we haven't yet had. And the house seems so empty. I don't know if she'll ever be here again. I don't know if the cats will ever see her again. And for the first time, it is certain I will truly be a widower. In a day or so, I will be able to be stoic again; to stiffen my shoulders, and my upper lip. But right now, I can only grieve. If she gets chemo, how long would it prolong her life and how much pain would it put her through? When my mother was diagnosed with stage-3 lung cancer, Johns Hopkins gave her 9 months to live - with chemo, a few months less without. She got chemo and, initially, it wiped out over 90% of the cancer in her lungs. But what was left was resistant to chemo and meds and began to grow unchecked. Since my sister was a cancer research nurse at Hopkins, she was able to slip my mother into a study of a promising new drug, along with chemo. My mother was functional - babysitting her 2 year-old grandson 8-10 hrs/day - for about 6 months but then nothing worked. The 9 month forecast proved true. During those 9 months, she got chemo at least 2x/week. My principal and guidance staff reworked my teaching schedule so I had planning the last period of the day so I could slip out of school an hour early and take my mother to get chemo or the drug study - making up the time by coming to work an hour early the next day. She'd be ok that day and sometimes the next, but then she'd feel awful and I'd have to stop at Panera Bread, a sub shop, etc. after work and buy food or cook for her and watch her eat it to make sure she was getting enough nutrition - most lung cancer victims die of malnutrition. When she passed away, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, as were my siblings. Chemo can make things tough to deal with for the victim and those caring for the victim. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parr8hed Posted October 22, 2020 Share #32 Posted October 22, 2020 I am so sorry. I wish there were other works I could use. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post LoneWolf Posted October 22, 2020 Author Popular Post Share #33 Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/21/2020 at 12:28 AM, roadsue said: I read your name change thread before this one. I’m sorry to hear about your wife. As stoic as you want to be, there’s a blessing in tears. I agree there can be, Sue. But stoicism helps me care for her, and keep my sanity. As Ah-Ha! said "I'll do my crying in the rain", at least, as much as possible (I can't hold it in every minute, and any time someone asks me "How are you holding up?" aside from my very best friends, I want to scream). For now, it's my survival mechanism; it's part of my name change. My feelings go dormant until the moments I need them, or can't hold them in. 1 hour ago, MickinMD said: If she gets chemo, how long would it prolong her life and how much pain would it put her through? When my mother was diagnosed with stage-3 lung cancer, Johns Hopkins gave her 9 months to live - with chemo, a few months less without. She got chemo and, initially, it wiped out over 90% of the cancer in her lungs. But what was left was resistant to chemo and meds and began to grow unchecked. Since my sister was a cancer research nurse at Hopkins, she was able to slip my mother into a study of a promising new drug, along with chemo. My mother was functional - babysitting her 2 year-old grandson 8-10 hrs/day - for about 6 months but then nothing worked. The 9 month forecast proved true. During those 9 months, she got chemo at least 2x/week. My principal and guidance staff reworked my teaching schedule so I had planning the last period of the day so I could slip out of school an hour early and take my mother to get chemo or the drug study - making up the time by coming to work an hour early the next day. She'd be ok that day and sometimes the next, but then she'd feel awful and I'd have to stop at Panera Bread, a sub shop, etc. after work and buy food or cook for her and watch her eat it to make sure she was getting enough nutrition - most lung cancer victims die of malnutrition. When she passed away, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, as were my siblings. Chemo can make things tough to deal with for the victim and those caring for the victim. Pancreatic cancer, like lung cancer, is one of the cast-iron bitches of cancer (forgive the encyclopedic memory savant part of me to take over for a moment). Both are rarely detected quickly. They're sneaky, and the body also has a way of compensating until it cannot any more. By the time WoHB (Kirsten) was diagnosed, she was stage 4. One pancreatic tumor, multiple liver tumors, and nodules of it throughout her peritoneum. Even so, it was thought we could battle it, though prognosis given to me (she asked not to be told, so only I knew) was 6-9 months, but with a possibility of longer if she qualified for a chemo trial. We were determined to fight. Then her liver function came back in such a state we couldn't do the trials. There's still two standard methods of chemo, but pancreatic cancer grows immune to them both. You use one until you can't, then you use the other til you can't, and then you're done. Adenocarcinoma finds the liver very quickly, and goes after it with a vengeance; total liver failure is usually the CoD. And from multiple CT scans, it appeared her cancer was very aggressive. Then, sepsis. From where, we don't know. It wasn't the chemo, but she damn near died of septic shock in the ER, and would have at home if her chemo appointment wasn't that day (the cancer pavilion is across the street from the hospital). That wiped her completely. That has almost certainly been eradicated with antibiotics, but she's got physical pain, nausea, and can't sleep. They put a drain in because her damaged liver is just leaking fluids into her abdomen; before the drain, they withdrew five liters of fluid -twice- within 72 hours. Unless they could eradicate the tumors in such a way as to revive the liver, I don't see chemo as doing her help, and it would bring its own side effects, when she's already weak. The oncologist said yesterday she has days to a week with no chemo; he signed off on our choice willingly, and with gentle encouragement. All told, that's seven weeks from symptoms, to diagnosis, to attempts to treat resulting in hospitalization, to hospice, to the (likely) end. Hospice is comfortable and nice. More space. She's still sleeping, and she got six hours during the night; that's a minor miracle. I'm letting her have as long as her body will let her; it may give her some energy in the short run to be comfortable and happy. She has not been herself, not just physically; I understand it and don't blame her, but it hurts to think my last memories would be of shortness and being ordered by her to leave so she can sleep when I'm just sitting there quietly, or trying to help her with something. I'd give my life for her to have one last, great, completely normal and functional day before she goes. And I have hope and terrible guilt at the same time that she'll go quickly with minimal pain. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoneWolf Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share #34 Posted October 22, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Longjohn ★ Posted October 22, 2020 Share #35 Posted October 22, 2020 HB you express your feelings so well. I wish I was good with words. Seven weeks isn’t much time to deal with this. With your wife in misery the short time may be a blessing. My health has gone downhill fast in the almost two years since I became my wife’s caregiver. I pray that you will have some time with your wife where her pain and misery is on hold and you can just talk and share memories and appreciate each other and the time you have had together. 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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