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And so, it has been decided.


LoneWolf

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I grieve with you. Again, words fail me as I try to imagine myself in your stead.  Stay strong brother.  Remember to take care of yourself as you pour yourself out into your wife in your remaining time together.  Prayers for peace and understanding for you both.  

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I'm so sorry HB. Cancer is a freaking bastard. We did this not long ago. My only advice is hug her tight. I miss WoScrapr's hugs so much. Say everything. What she wants done for a Celebration/service. Special gifts for friends. The end comes faster than you can imagine. So say it now. 

*also get passwords. I have not been able to crack her I phones.

Your wife is very brave

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Fuck.  I am floored from what you both have to go through. I know you will be tough because there is nothing else you can do, but it just sucks all the way around.  I am sorry for you, and wish I could help in some way.  I know everyone here is thinking about you, and constant well-wishes are heading your way.  

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2 hours ago, Longjohn said:

That’s a hard decision to make. I’ll pray for some quality time with her. She might surprise you, my wife is still hanging on and doesn’t seem to be any worse than when she started on hospice over ten months ago.

Based on her liver damage (worse than we realized), time may be limited to weeks. The oncologist approved our choice; it's unknown if her body could stand up to the chemo, and it's entirely possible that if it did, it would just add misery to the time we still have.

I hope you are still making beautiful memories of your wife.  I agree; hold them tight, and hold fast.spacer.png

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21 minutes ago, Honey Badger said:

Based on her liver damage (worse than we realized), time may be limited to weeks. The oncologist approved our choice; it's unknown if her body could stand up to the chemo, and it's entirely possible that if it did, it would just add misery to the time we still have.

I hope you are still making beautiful memories of your wife.  I agree; hold them tight, and hold fast.spacer.png

My wife’s birthday is Friday and our son’s family is bringing dinner. On one hand I hate the grandkids seeing her like this but at their ages they might not even remember her if they don’t see her now. The older girls have lots of good memories with her. Caring for her is a lot of work but she doesn’t seem to be in pain. 

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So devastated to hear this , and it must be so hard to process because this has all happened so quickly. There is no way to make sense of any of this.  But I'll pray for you both and all who love her.  Please know we're here if you just want to vent or want a place where you don't have to be strong.  Let us know if you want to talk "in person" . 

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1 hour ago, Scrapr said:

I'm so sorry HB. Cancer is a freaking bastard. We did this not long ago. My only advice is hug her tight. I miss WoScrapr's hugs so much. Say everything. What she wants done for a Celebration/service. Special gifts for friends. The end comes faster than you can imagine. So say it now. 

*also get passwords. I have not been able to crack her I phones.

Your wife is very brave

She is.  I suppose she can rib me for the pressure I gave her for never putting a password on her phone.

I'm already working on all of the logistics.  I handle big things (loans, taxes, etc) but she's the day-to-day finance person, so I'm making sure I have things so I avoid drowning in "I-don't-knows".

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I just thought of something else you may want to do. Video some conversations. I have only a 3 second video of WoScrapr. I wish I had a few more

Don't worry about "being strong" for her. Let the tears flow. Reminisce about the day you proposed, the day you got married, your favorite vacation. Spend as much time as you can with her. You will not regret it (and that goes for all of you too)

The rest of it will take care of itself. WoScrapr took care of the day to day & kept statements...which helped. You can let a bunch of that go for awhile. Or look at the checkbook for last month. In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter that much. 

<hugs>

edit: Friends are going to want to help you. Let them. Make a list of specific jobs they can pick from....or be asked to do. Lawnmowing, meals, looking after pets. Your brain is going to be going 100 mph. Let them take some pressure off

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50 minutes ago, shootingstar said:

Very hard, HB.  She needs to see you / be with her each day which you will be (how will that work during covid time??).

Does she like any music, will they allow something to be played very low for short time?  

I'm sorry to hear this. 

The care facility will allow three visitors at a time. We will limit visitors to family and close friends (that will still be a lot); if we did not, imagine the French storming the Bastille. 27 years of fellow teachers, students, principals, our church, my family (she only has her sister and mother, but them too...)

In sixteen years, I don't know if I've ever seen/heard my sister-in-law cry. She bawled her eyes out tonight, and I don't blame her. My mother-in-law's breast cancer has returned, and while oral chemo is keeping it at bay and shrinking the tumors, it won't last forever. At some point, my SiL will be the last of her family, and that's got to be a very lonely feeling. She's also going to need to explain it to our nephew, who is 13, and while he won't show it outwardly (he's not very emotional).

P.S.  The BRCA-2 gene sucks.

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I hope  you and her family will be able to support one another.  It can be important to share your feelings with people who have shared memories and experiences.  You are both fortunate to have so many friends  who want to be there to support you.  It can seem overwhelming,  but let them know how and when they can be helpful.

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1 minute ago, Kirby said:

I hope  you and her family will be able to support one another.  It can be important to share your feelings with people who have shared memories and experiences. 

Right now, my sister is half beside herself. She, her husband, and our four nieces are missionaries in the Philippines, and the US botched COVID so badly, that while people can come into the US, they can't go back out, since everyone has closed their borders to us.

She wants to come her so badly to be with us both, but couldn't go back to her kids.

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2 minutes ago, Honey Badger said:

Right now, my sister is half beside herself. She, her husband, and our four nieces are missionaries in the Philippines, and the US botched COVID so badly, that while people can come into the US, they can't go back out, since everyone has closed their borders to us.

She wants to come her so badly to be with us both, but couldn't go back to her kids.

How hard for your sister.  I'm sure she wants to be with you both, but obviously her kids need her.  But it's good to know she is with you in the future, when the current activity quiets down and you just want to talk to someone.  I'm sure she'll find many ways to provide support both now and in the years to come.

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6 hours ago, Honey Badger said:

today at work

Can you get time off from work?   

Twice over the 38 years with WoBG, she has been very sick.  In the late 80s she somehow got toxic shock syndrome.  That was very bad.  Then in 2006 breast cancer.  In both cases I was still working, but somehow I found time to be with my wife and/or the doctors.   (WoBG has been cancer free since 2006.)  

Prayers for your wife and you..   

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On 10/20/2020 at 5:26 PM, Honey Badger said:

I received a call from my mother today at work; she was at the hospital with WoHB.

WoHB has decided not to undergo chemo. She will be transferring to a managed care hospice facility for pain management only. I would guess she has six months, give or take.

I had already told her that I would counsel her in all life decisions, but that the decisions would be hers and hers alone, unless she wanted otherwise. I understand this decison; she wants quality over quantity, and I understand that.

But I am still processing.  It has an air of finality we haven't yet had. And the house seems so empty. I don't know if she'll ever be here again. I don't know if the cats will ever see her again. And for the first time, it is certain I will truly be a widower.

In a day or so, I will be able to be stoic again; to stiffen my shoulders, and my upper lip. But right now, I can only grieve.

If she gets chemo, how long would it prolong her life and how much pain would it put her through?

When my mother was diagnosed with stage-3 lung cancer, Johns Hopkins gave her 9 months to live - with chemo, a few months less without.

She got chemo and, initially, it wiped out over 90% of the cancer in her lungs.  But what was left was resistant to chemo and meds and began to grow unchecked.  Since my sister was a cancer research nurse at Hopkins, she was able to slip my mother into a study of a promising new drug, along with chemo.  My mother was functional - babysitting her 2 year-old grandson 8-10 hrs/day - for about 6 months but then nothing worked. The 9 month forecast proved true.

During those 9 months, she got chemo at least 2x/week.  My principal and guidance staff reworked my teaching schedule so I had planning the last period of the day so I could slip out of school an hour early and take my mother to get chemo or the drug study - making up the time by coming to work an hour early the next day.  She'd be ok that day and sometimes the next, but then she'd feel awful and I'd have to stop at Panera Bread, a sub shop, etc. after work and buy food or cook for her and watch her eat it to make sure she was getting enough nutrition - most lung cancer victims die of malnutrition.

When she passed away, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, as were my siblings.  Chemo can make things tough to deal with for the victim and those caring for the victim.

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HB you express your feelings so well. I wish I was good with words. Seven weeks isn’t much time to deal with this. With your wife in misery the short time may be a blessing. My health has gone downhill fast in the almost two years since I became my wife’s caregiver. I pray that you will have some time with your wife where her pain and misery is on hold and you can just talk and share memories and appreciate each other and the time you have had together.

 

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