Tell me a wild story about your family (fun)

[Dirtyhip]

So, my family has a bunch of wise guys.  Probably this is why I feel at home here.  They were constantly pulling gags.

We had this horn shaped thing and the bottom of the horn swooped back towards the persons face that would blow on it.

Any new person that came to the house were told that it is some special horn and that newcomers have to play it.  The horn was filled with flour.  You can imagine how this all played out for newcomers,

<groan>

By the time I brought my husband around, my uncles were all grown and moved out, my Grandma was no longer all with it, and the horn was all dusty and covered with cobwebs.  I think the remaining flour was all solidified from age.  But the days of seeing people with flour all over their face was pretty epic.

Now, you go and tell me something nutty.

[Ralphie ★]

I can't top that!

My fambly is very reserved and quiet, and my wife's family is Irish Catholic, so the opposite.

My FIL looks at them sitting quietly on the couch and says look at that a bunch of Methodists.   It was a funny moment.

 

 

[bikeman564™]

I have a flat earth cousin

[Ralphie ★]

12 minutes ago, bikeman564™ said:

I have a flat earth cousin

He's close!  But the earth is round, like a plate.

 

[Kzoo]

2 hours ago, bikeman564™ said:

I have a flat earth cousin

As it turns out, so do I.

[Parsnip Totin Jack ★]

When I was younger we lived in CA, north of LA in the Valley. My Dad liked to travel and eight of us would pile in the station wagon and go see stuff. National Parks, missions on the Camino del Real, etc. One trip up near Yosemite, we stopped for gas and bathroom breaks. All done we take off. Down the road my Dad said, where’s Sue? In the back was the reply. The back said, no she’s not. Damn we left one behind. When we relive the story my sister said she’s still scarred by being abandoned. I told her that if she hadn’t dawdled in there it never would’ve happened.

[maddmaxx ★]

9 hours ago, Dirtyhip said:

So, my family has a bunch of wise guys.  Probably this is why I feel at home here.  They were constantly pulling gags.

We had this horn shaped thing and the bottom of the horn swooped back towards the persons face that would blow on it.

Any new person that came to the house were told that it is some special horn and that newcomers have to play it.  The horn was filled with flour.  You can imagine how this all played out for newcomers,

<groan>

By the time I brought my husband around, my uncles were all grown and moved out, my Grandma was no longer all with it, and the horn was all dusty and covered with cobwebs.  I think the remaining flour was all solidified from age.  But the days of seeing people with flour all over their face was pretty epic.

Now, you go and tell me something nutty.

My family has a wise guy too.  On my stepfathers side we have an Italian truckers union organizer.

[Dirtyhip]

37 minutes ago, Old No. 7 said:

When I was younger we lived in CA, north of LA in the Valley. My Dad liked to travel and eight of us would pile in the station wagon and go see stuff. National Parks, missions on the Camino del Real, etc. One trip up near Yosemite, we stopped for gas and bathroom breaks. All done we take off. Down the road my Dad said, where’s Sue? In the back was the reply. The back said, no she’s not. Damn we left one behind. When we relive the story my sister said she’s still scarred by being abandoned. I told her that if she hadn’t dawdled in there it never would’ve happened.

HAHA

My family didn't travel much.

[MickinMD ★]

Like many extended families we had some members who were Democrats and some who were Republicans.

To us cousins, our Uncle John was the fiercest Dem and Uncle Tom was the fiercest GOP.

At family gatherings, my Cousin Bill would walk up to our Uncle Tom and tell him that Uncle John had just insulted the Republicans over some issue.

Then he'd walk over to where our Uncle John was and tell him the same lie in reverse: that Uncle Tom had said something awful about the Dems over that issue.

Bill and those of us cousins who were in on it would stand back and wait for those brothers, Tom and John, to pass by each other and begin arguing and arguing.

Bill got away with it on every occasion - it almost became a ritual.

[MickinMD ★]

I'm 8 1/2 years older than my sister who is 6 1/2 years older than our brother.

At a large crab feast, a man asked my father, "Why are your children so spread out in age?"

Without blinking an eye, Dad replied, "It was a long time between drinks."

I think our mother was red-faced the rest of the day.

[Digital_photog ★]

9 hours ago, Philander Seabury said:

He's close!  But the earth is round, like a plate.

 

So is the earth curved up at the edges like a plate so we don't fall off? 

[Parsnip Totin Jack ★]

Just now, Digital_photog said:

So is the earth curved up at the edges like a plate so we don't fall off? 

You didn’t know that? Did you miss geography class that day? Try to keep up. 

[Parsnip Totin Jack ★]

22 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

HAHA

My family didn't travel much.

We traveled all the time. When the twins were babies Mom was overwhelmed and Dad took the three oldest, Ann, me and Nancy on road trips. San Diego, Tiajuana, Santa Barbara. I think he did this to get away from the madness too. 

[MickinMD ★]

My father and our next door neighbor Larry were always trying to invent something.

One summer in the 80's, hearing about all the Vietnamese immigrants who had been hired to pick the meat out of crabs by hand in the seafood businesses on Maryland's Eastern Shore, they decided to invent a pneumatic tool that would let air pressure clean the meat out of the many slots within the crab's body.

Finally, the day came to try it out a little gun that had been carefully shaped and machined (Larry was a lathe operator at work) to pop the shell open, puncture the crab meat chambers, and blow the meat into a waiting mesh bowl.

The first attempt resulted in the shell and its interior shattering into a million pieces.  Try as they might to find the right air pressure psi setting on the compressor, they kept blowing up crabs!

Soon, the vinyl siding on the side of Larry's house was covered in blown-apart bits of crab shell, meat, "devil," "mustard." and various other gooey stuff from inside the crab.

"That's ok," Dad said as the two men pronounced the experiment a success while a bunch of us had fallen to the ground laughing, "It works great on crab legs!"

 

 

[Dirtyhip]

ohhh, I got another one

My unlces went hunting for upland game.  They brought back their bounty of birds.  Well, one of them wasn't dead.  Usually they would bring their birds home and us gals would butcher and process them.  I always hated that deal, and thought THEY should process since they killed them.  But, I digress here.  So there is this morning dove that is alive in the truck.  I don't think it was even shot and I don't remember how it ended up in the truck.  I think they maimed it. So there is this messed up bird.  Did my Grandma kill it?  NO!  She proceeded to put it in my cat carrier with the intention of nursing it back to health.  Maybe she figured if it made it that far that it deserved to live.  SO we fed, watered and nursed this thing back to health.  It actually got better enough to fly and it left.  

In the weeks that followed it's departure it would fly back and bring more birds to our home.  My grandma fed our bird and let some of the other birds eat too.  That dove brought pigeons to us.  Our bird would fly in any open window (no screens on that house) and land on my Grandma.  It would land on her head.  Eventually, that bird became a nuisance along with it's "friends."  So my Grandmother decided she needed to keep our bird and all of the others away.  So she put this old stuffed duck on the top of our shed to keep them all away.  So we had this yucky stuffed mallard on the top of our shed for a while.  All those birds finally took off.  They realized this was a crazy house and staying would be detrimental to their health.

This is the story as I recall.  

[Kirby]

I've already told you how my Wild Sister doesn't get the hot turkey sandwich at Ted's Restaurant even though everyone in my family has ordered the hot turkey sandwich for decades at that restaurant - every since we were little kids.  She'll get a fried chicken basket with a very large side order of cole slaw.   The hot turkey sandwich comes with a small plastic container of cole slaw.   That's why she's Kirby's Wild Sister.

[Dirtyhip]

I got another one.

My Grandma used to really get into decorating for Christmas.  We had this 4 foot tall plastic Santa.  We used to put him on the roof next to the chimney.  Years progressed and my Grandma and Grandpa were older and not as spry.  Getting up on the roof became too much trouble. However, decorating for Holidays was still a thing.  They ended up just resorting to tieing Santa to the Chimney.  Like, he had a rope around his waist.  I guess this was easier than property propping and securing him to the roof.  Maybe part of the bottom broke, I can't recall.  Irregardless, we had a hostage Santa each year.  It looked hilarious and crazy.  

Hostage Santa.  

[Mr. Silly]

My nephew performs on trampoline for Cirque du Soleil.  He's quite a good acrobat and so are his girlfriends.  When ever they come over, there is always a point when he starts throwing her around the back yard.

[Dirtyhip]

9 hours ago, Kirby said:

I've already told you how my Wild Sister doesn't get the hot turkey sandwich at Ted's Restaurant even though everyone in my family has ordered the hot turkey sandwich for decades at that restaurant - every since we were little kids.  She'll get a fried chicken basket with a very large side order of cole slaw.   The hot turkey sandwich comes with a small plastic container of cole slaw.   That's why she's Kirby's Wild Sister.

Very wild it seems.  HAHA

[BuffJim]

3 of the 5 of us boys were pretty wild. Oldest brother was legendary. As a toddler he was caught head down a heating vent that was open. He also got caught on the back porch pounding on unexploded 22 shells. Was also found playing in the basement foundation of a construction site. As a preteen he used to set hunting traps in the fields. Bear trap style but much smaller. Probably for mink and Fox. The neighborhood potheads used to go into the fields to smoke pot, and stumble into his traps. 
When he was 10 or 11, he jumped out his 2nd story window while sleeping. Fortunately he landed in a large snow bank, and wasn’t hurt. He’s about the stodgiest guy in the world right now. 
 

We also have a family mystery. Who broke my parents bedroom window? The twins (today is their 52nd birthday) are the prime suspects. But which one?  Even at my Dad’s funeral in January, we could not coax a confession. 
 

I never broke one of our windows. But there was this one time my brother and I  were playing catch with a baseball. I chucked one through a 3rd grade classroom window. I had quite the arm back then, these weren’t any flimsy glass windows. Closer to Gorilla Glass. 

[groupw]

On 3/27/2021 at 7:37 AM, Digital_photog said:

So is the earth curved up at the edges like a plate so we don't fall off? 

Won’t matter when the cat comes to knock us off!

[Longjohn ★]

I may get some good stories this week as our sons come home. Once time has passed and they are all on their own the stories start to come out. One of my favorites was when they were all home for their grandad’s funeral. They were talking about the time they were doing laundry and Esther and I were not home. John looked at the drier and said “I bet I could fit in that drier” His brothers both said “No way” John proceeded to climb into the drier. As he climbed in he said “don’t turn it on”

Of course as soon as he was in his brothers shut the door and turned it on They were only going to let it run one revolution but they could hear him laughing so they left him spin three or four revolutions.

[Further]

My brother is a dairy farmer, he often leases property to add more crop acreage.

So this leased corn field was being hit hard by deer, the property owner had posted it so nobody was hunting on it, my brother assumed the posting didn't apply to him since he was leasing the property.

Two of his boys took their mothers car over to the field to do a little deer hunting. 

That afternoon a state trooper showed up at the farm asking about Jane Doe, her car had been reported being used in a trespassing / hunting situation.

Without skipping a beat one of the boys deadpanned "I been tellin Ma to just go to the store and buy groceries like every one else"  

[groupw]

My dad was a character. He was notorious for giving waitresses a hard time. Most of it was just silly comebacks that would throw her out of rhythm and she would have to think about what she just said. If he got one that could play along we had dinner and a show! He always tipped well so they were usually glad to see him again. 
Mom relayed the story of a place where they would go with a group of friends for dinner. The waitress was one of the owners. Dad liked his steak rare. When she would ask how he wanted the steak cooked, Dad always said “Don’t”

One day they went there for breakfast instead of dinner. Dad ordered a sausage and eggs special. 
White or wheat toast?

 Wheat

Patties or links?

Patties

How would you like your eggs cooked?

I don’t know. Surprise me

When the waitress brought his meal, there were 2 raw eggs in a bowl. 
Waitress said “I figured you might like your eggs the way you like your steak”

The table erupted with laughter including my dad. It was the first time a waitress had left him speechless!

[groupw]

I’m pretty sure Ron White patterned his act off my Uncle Carl. Carl always had a drink and cigarette at the ready and always had some new crazy story about his adventures. 
He also tends to get wound up easily, usually over something silly. Dad went to a family reunion. While paying for gas, he noticed some magnetic earrings on the counter and bought a pair. He put one on his earlobe for the reunion. He was so amused that people would stare, but everyone was afraid to say anything! 
That evening Mom,Dad and Carl had dinner together. Carl was just having a fit that Dad would get his ear pierced. “Good God! You’re 70 years old”. This went on and on throughout dinner and Mom had about had it with Carl. Finally, in a quiet moment, Carl asked how bad it hurt. Dad pulled it off and handed it to Carl. “Here. See for yourself!”  He turned shades of red from embarrassment of how he had been acting and that my dad had got him so good!

[2Far ★]

On 3/27/2021 at 8:26 AM, MickinMD said:

I'm 8 1/2 years older than my sister who is 6 1/2 years older than our brother.

At a large crab feast, a man asked my father, "Why are your children so spread out in age?"

Without blinking an eye, Dad replied, "It was a long time between drinks."

I think our mother was red-faced the rest of the day.

I'll have to remember that one as our two are 7.5 years apart. The real reason is there were 3 miscarriages, which is a bit of a mood killer.

[jsharr ★]

I was very accident prone as a kid.  Had stitches all over my body,  Eyebrow, back of head, hand, knee, foot, underarm, tongue.

My poor mom had to put up with a lot.  When I was around 4, I cut my finger tip off in a car door when a door gut shut while I was playing with the grease on the door hinge.  Mom opened the door, got my hand out, bandaged it up and rushed me to Dr. Rountree's office.  He got the bleeding stopped and asked my mom if she had my finger tip?  She did not realize it had been cut off.   A neighbor rushed to our house with my brother and found my fingertip on the garage floor.  My brother swears it was still wiggling.  The put it on ice and took it to the doctor who sewed it back on over the bone that was sticking out.   Mom said my hand was swollen and the finger turned black and smelled.  I remember having to soak my hand every day.  Eventually it got better and I did not lose the finger.

Another time I was running across the room and tripped and landed on a building block.  Caused one side of my face to swell up and turn black and blue.  Apparently I hit my cheek right on the corner of the block.  While I was still all swollen and bruised I went to the grocery store with my dad.  He got tired of the two ladies behind him in line talking about that poor boy and wondering what happened.  He turned around and told them he hit me with a bat.   This was the late 60s so all it did was shut them up.  These days he would have been in jail I bet.

I guess my brother and I learned from my dad, because my brother one time asked my mom for clarification.  He was confused as to if we were dumb assess or smart asses during a lecture we were getting for probably being both.

[2Far ★]

My blacksheep (now half-) brother shot the water heater with a 30-06. Actually, he was shooting at the woodpile outside and against the house, kind of a two-dimensional thinker.

[jsharr ★]

My 5x great grandfather was dumb enough to sell or leave a perfectly good farm in Ohio to move the sharr clan to Texas!  

[Ralphie ★]

18 minutes ago, jsharr said:

My 5x great grandfather was dumb enough to sell or leave a perfectly good farm in Ohio to move the sharr clan to Texas!  

Ohio, Texas. What’s the diff?

[2Far ★]

14 minutes ago, Philander Seabury said:

Ohio, Texas. What’s the diff?

About 40 IQ points, depending on the jet stream.

[Ralphie ★]

4 minutes ago, 2Far said:

About 40 IQ points, depending on the jet stream.

Which is higher? 

[jsharr ★]

Just now, Philander Seabury said:

Which is higher? 

depends on which way the jet stream is blowing the dumb that day. 

[2Far ★]

Black sheep brother was an asshole. If you looked up "asshole" in the dictionary, there was a picture of him.

Anyhoo, he was picking on (half-)bro #3 (as usual) and #3 punched him in the mouth, knocking on of his top, front teeth out. #3 suffered as well, he got cellulitis from where the tooth broke the skin on his knuckle.

[2Far ★]

3 minutes ago, Philander Seabury said:

Which is higher? 

No.

[ChrisL]

My dad often told stories of his childhood growing up in the 1920’s & 30’s in the jungles of Indonesia.  I often got the impression he grew up much like Mogli from The Jungle Book.

He hunted birds for food, shot the monkeys to keep them out of their house, took showers outside during rain storms, and ate fruit that was abundant in the jungle.  

Seems like an idyllic childhood.

[Dirtyhip]

I have another one.

We had this old station wagon.  Like, the wood paneled one.  It was hit badly in a vehicle accident.  It was still operational.  The driver side was all smashed up and partially caved it.  The damage was mostly the rear passenger door and the back side panel.  We received insurance compensation to fix the wagon.  Since the vehicle still ran fine, we pocketed the insurance money and drove the wagon as is.  They spray painted "OUCH" on the side of the wagon where it was smashed.  we had the wagon for a while after that.  "OUCH!"  

[BuffJim]

I was 16. 1979. Spring vacation in Sarasota Fl with my parents and twin 10 year old brothers. Parents went out for the afternoon leaving me with the twins. 
 

My brother Steve wanted to find out what would happen if you lit matches under the smoke detector. 
 

He found out. The whole building gets evacuated and the Fire Company drives their truck over the bridge from the mainland. The firefighters were not amused. 

[Parr8hed]

Emmy swears that there was a squirrel in our basement.  (there wasn't) She even named it Tyrone.  After she told us about Tyrone a few times I got this on Amazon...

 

[dinneR ★]

8 minutes ago, Parr8hed said:

Emmy swears that there was a squirrel in our basement.  (there wasn't) She even named it Tyrone.  After she told us about Tyrone a few times I got this on Amazon...

 

Amazon sells live wild animals? How the fuck did they ship it?

[Dirtyhip]

11 minutes ago, Parr8hed said:

Emmy swears that there was a squirrel in our basement.  (there wasn't) She even named it Tyrone.  After she told us about Tyrone a few times I got this on Amazon...

 

Maybe there was a squirrel and it walked back out the door it came in

Nice plush, BTW

[Parr8hed]

13 minutes ago, denniS said:

Amazon sells live wild animals? How the fuck did they ship it?

Looks pretty legit doesn't it?

[Parr8hed]

14 minutes ago, denniS said:

Amazon sells live wild animals? How the fuck did they ship it?

[dinneR ★]

1 hour ago, Parr8hed said:

Looks pretty legit doesn't it?

yes it does.