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Putting a stop to the "We need to do something," talk

Dirtyhip

By Dirtyhip
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Dirtyhip Flahute

Dirtyhip

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There is a gal that I have helped get fit before.  She was in the best shape she has ever been.  Then a new baby happened, then covid.  Her fitness is not where she wants to be.  The thing is, she doesn't really exercise, except with me.  I saw her and she keeps saying "What are we going to do?, I need to lose 100 pounds by June."  Then she says "What is the plan?" 

Uh, this is not my problem, and not something I want to take on again.  My fitness stalls, when I focus on others too much.  We can't ride together, because we are not at all on the same page.  I do like her.  However, I need to put s stop to the "we" thing.  She kept asking ... "What are we going to do?"   Um, I don't need to do anything.  Not sure how to deal with this.  I don't want to be harsh.  In the past, it was me managing her, like:  eat salads for lunch, planning exercise routines, riding next to her pushing her and being like a coach, etc.  

I don't have the energy or motivation for training others these days.  :(

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Zealot Domestique

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Honestly, I’d just have that conversation with her. And you don’t have to be harsh to do it. Just explain it to her as you just did here. I’ve talked with you. I do not think you’d come across negatively. 

And maybe encourage her to join a fitness program or enlist the aid of a personal trainer. There are lots of cost effective means available. 

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Randomguy Flahute

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19 minutes ago, Butt Punt Moose Rut said:

Just tell her to join weight-watchers and be done with it.  

Alternately, tell her that most of your exercise now is landscaping/gardening, and that she is welcome to help with the strenuous stuff.  Maybe decide to build a stone wall, and have her help carry and stack the stones, stone by stone.

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MickinMD KOM / QOM

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1 hour ago, Zealot said:

Honestly, I’d just have that conversation with her. And you don’t have to be harsh to do it. Just explain it to her as you just did here. I’ve talked with you. I do not think you’d come across negatively. 

And maybe encourage her to join a fitness program or enlist the aid of a personal trainer. There are lots of cost effective means available. 

This!

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Longjohn Flahute

Longjohn ★

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2 minutes ago, MoseySusan said:

Maybe. But how cool would that be to go by the appellation Bones. Bones MacLongjohn. 

I have met a lot of widows and some of their husbands had wasted away to 70 pounds before they died. A sad sight I’m sure. I looked bad at 150. I like dating widows, we have a lot in common.

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shootingstar KOM / QOM

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Good luck, DH with the friendly chat with her.

She might resist realizing that her fitness accountability and steps to take, is totally on her.  Hope she realizes you've just been an observer with her following along.  I wouldn't refer to yourself as coach because then she will pester you still.  But stick to a friend...who lives a different life than her now.  Because it really is different.

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Dirtyhip Flahute

Dirtyhip

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1 hour ago, groupw said:

So many people don’t want to be accountable to themselves. Just let her know you are not in a good place to be doing a lot of health coaching right now. You can tell her how much you are willing to do and draw the line firmly. 

People around here see me as this fit person that is known for helping and inspiring others.  While I do want to get people on bikes, I can't be everyone's accountability buddy.  Working too hard for others and their fitness, I sacrifice self.  

You really nailed it.  I can't take this on.  Especially for people that have zero fitness and refuse to workout without me there.  Forget it.  

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Kirby KOM / QOM

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I like the idea of just saying you're not in a position to focus on that now, but that you know she knows what to do from the prior time. Also recommending a personal trainer or nutritionist to help her is good and puts the ball in her court.  If she doesn't choose to follow up than that's on her.

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Page Turner KOM / QOM

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14 hours ago, donkpow said:

Losing 100 pounds is dangerous.

...yeah, my second wife weighed just about a hundred pounds, and that divorce was a mess. :mellow:

11 hours ago, Dottles said:

I need to lose 80lbs. Can you help me!??

...that's a lot. Maybe just go for 20# in the first year.

 

7 hours ago, Dirtyhip said:

People around here see me as this fit person that is known for helping and inspiring others.  While I do want to get people on bikes, I can't be everyone's accountability buddy.  Working too hard for others and their fitness, I sacrifice self.  

You really nailed it.  I can't take this on.  Especially for people that have zero fitness and refuse to workout without me there.  Forget it.  

...people don't see me that way at all. There are some distinct advantages to being perceived as a crabby, old misanthrope. 

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Dottleshead Flahute

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1 hour ago, Page Turner said:

...that's a lot. Maybe just go for 20# in the first year.

I did 25 in four months and then gave it all back when the holidays hit.  I don/t think there/s a rush to it but it must be a sustained endeavor over time.  You need to give your body time to adapt.  And forget the holidays

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petitepedal Flahute

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5 hours ago, Dottles said:

I did 25 in four months and then gave it all back when the holidays hit.  I don/t think there/s a rush to it but it must be a sustained endeavor over time.  You need to give your body time to adapt.  And forget the holidays

You also need to pick sustainable lifestyle changes...going to far in any direction too fast can make you feel deprived or is it depraved :whistle:

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Dirtyhip Flahute

Dirtyhip

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Yesterday she brought her bike.  Out of the blue, and she wanted me to drop everything and ride with her.  I had rode to work and was planning to ride home a long way that had a good climb and some dirt, so like almost two hours of exercise, so I thought I could squeeze it in.  I had a meeting go over, and then I had a super long line for my salad, so there was no time.  She texted me and was like "You let mw down." I politely let her know that she had done that to me well over 20 times and that I can not drop everything for when she decides to bring a bike.   I told her to ride anyway.  She didn't.  That bike sat on her car, cause I was too busy.  Cripes, it is a bike.  Ride it yourself by yourself.  

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Dirtyhip Flahute

Dirtyhip

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1 minute ago, Thaddeus Kosciuszko said:

She only wants you to 'help' her so she can use you as an excuse for her failure to meet a difficult, if not impossible, goal.

This is what I was thinking.  I was really great at whipping her into shape before her last baby.  I can't do it again.  I am a good cheerleader most of the time.  Honestly, I need someone to be MY cheerleader.  I am weary with people that latch on and provide nothing for me.  I give, give give usually.  I am just tired and there is less energy for people to tap.  

My spoons are low and I don't have enough to hand out right now.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory#:~:text=Spoon theory "Spoons" are used as a metaphor,and tasks%2C and how it can become limited.

 

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MickinMD KOM / QOM

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34 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

This is what I was thinking.  I was really great at whipping her into shape before her last baby.  I can't do it again.  I am a good cheerleader most of the time.  Honestly, I need someone to be MY cheerleader.  I am weary with people that latch on and provide nothing for me.  I give, give give usually.  I am just tired and there is less energy for people to tap.  

My spoons are low and I don't have enough to hand out right now.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory#:~:text=Spoon theory "Spoons" are used as a metaphor,and tasks%2C and how it can become limited.

 

It's certainly not fair for someone to do that "we" thing.

A childhood friend of mine, like me and several other of us Baby Boomers, now lives in the house he grew up in two doors away from me.  When I had leftover tomato plants after I grew them and gave away promised ones to three people, I asked him if he was interested in the rest.  He was.

He has asked me things every few weeks like about tomato cages, when you know Cherokee Purple tomatoes are ripe, watering, etc. but he's never expected me to do the things myself, so I'm fine with it.

I'm still surprised he knew virtually nothing about gardening because his late mother, who grew up on a farm and could grow anything well - she even grew fig trees in Maryland which is a real trick getting them to survive the winters, was a fantastic gardener who taught me so much from how to prune grape vines to what things grow best in raised beds.  Apparently Ron wasn't interested in gardening when he was young and lived at home, moving out after high school then coming back in his 50's.

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Page Turner KOM / QOM

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...a simple suggestion, from a simple person (me).  Your friend seems to be one of those people who has not made the mental leap to exercise routines needing to be part of your daily life.  Thus, her bike comes to work on top of the car, while your bike rides to work as part of your routine.  I have, myself, attempted to nudge people in the direction of bicycle commuting, because it works some regular exercise into your routine, and usually ends up taking not that much longer than driving, by the time your fight traffic and park.  Sometimes it works, until the weather gets bad.  I realize you live in a smaller town, and it's entirely possible she needs to drop kids at day care or school.

But if that's the case, she's not well situated to use a bike as a valuable part of a regular exercise routine.  Life is short, and there are only so many hours in the day.  I would offer to sit and talk with her, looking at her weekly schedule, and try to figure out some portion of the week she could use to work in exercise as part of her routine. It might even be a stop at the gym on her way home, or several evenings weekly when her partner takes care of the kids.

Nobody is gonna lose massive amounts of weight and get whipped into shape riding their bike during lunch, at work.  It's just not realistic.

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