Mom is telling me to go..What would you do?

[BR46]

We originally planned on going to Georgia and then South Carolina this weekend but we canceled our trip because of mom in hospice. 

Yesterday while visiting mom, mom asked ....don't you have a race coming up soon?

I said next weekend but don't worry about it. Mom started to cry and said go racing, make memories with you son....I'm not going anywhere soon. 

If I go racing I will feel guilt that I wasn't there if mom passes while we are gone but I will make mom sad if I don't go.

 

[Wilbur ★]

I won’t make a recommendation but… mothers are stubborn and selfless people that sacrifice their own desires for their kids happiness.  Will there be other races?  Will there be other moments with your Mom?  I missed my fathers passing and regret it.  That said, I won’t make a recommendation.

[Airehead]

I won’t make a recommendation either but in your opinion which will you have more chances to do?  Which is more rare?

[Square Wheels]

Fine, I'll say it, no racing for you.

[bikeman564™]

she probably feels bad that you'd miss it

[maddmaxx ★]

You probably wouldn't race well if you went.

[smudge ★]

Here's the thing: yes, she's in hospice, but she's still aware of what's going on. Keep your plans fluid. See how she's doing as the week goes on. Go racing, and bring back a great story. And hopefully some great pics. She'll love hearing you tell her all about it and sharing some pics. Family bonding.

[Square Wheels]

Where's the poll?

[MoseySusan]

Because letting each other go is amazing love. And your mother wants to live her final days aware that she is a factor in her children’s happiness. 

My mom in hospice told me to go finish my last semester of school because “if I quit the ironing part way through, I never get back to it.” 
 

Whatever you decide, frame it with love. 

[KrAzY]

It's a hard decision for sure. BUT... after all these years ya still aint listening to ya mama.. She wants to see you happy
I have had family members in hospice before.. It is not easy in the least, but you also need to take time for your mental health or you will always have heartache and guilt. A race is a race, where a mom is raised ya to be who you are.. I would personally see if you can kidnap her and take her on a field trip to the race. I'm sure you got a trailer big enough to the bike and mama..

[BR46]

Here's the deal. 

They gave mom 2 weeks to live 6 months ago. Two weeks ago she went into hospice and hadn't drank or ate anything in days. The last 4 or 5 days she's drinking, eating and peeing again. 

She has enough kidney function to keep her alive but not enough to live a life. 

[Parsnip Totin Jack ★]

I’d go racing. That’s what momma wants. Bring home a trophy even if you have to buy one at a pawnshop. 🤗

[sheep_herder ★]

No question, I would go! At this time in her life, I would honor her request. That is just me, and I have made difficult decisions in the past, and opted to cherish the pleasant memories.

[petitepedal ★]

You have a sister? Or is it just you ... Mom is saying go...but.. siblings?  Will someone  else guilt you for not being there?...It is a tough decision.

Thought of you when I read this...just this morning 

https://www.wbur.org/cognoscenti/2023/03/06/my-mothers-last-lesson-dying-katherine-a-sherbrooke?utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_term=nprnews&utm_campaign=npr

Hugs to you....

[MoseySusan]

1 hour ago, BR46 said:

Here's the deal. 

They gave mom 2 weeks to live 6 months ago. Two weeks ago she went into hospice and hadn't drank or ate anything in days. The last 4 or 5 days she's drinking, eating and peeing again. 

She has enough kidney function to keep her alive but not enough to live a life. 

She’s clearly fucking the patriarchy. I’m beginning to like this person more and more.

[petitepedal ★]

7 minutes ago, MoseySusan said:

She’s clearly fucking the patriarchy. I’m beginning to like this person more and more. 🫶🏼

You and that pretzel and cheese 

[MoseySusan]

3 minutes ago, petitepedal said:

You and that pretzel and cheese 

Small bites are also satisfying. 👊🏼

[Airehead]

Is it possible for,you to go,race but be gone less time?

[BR46]

44 minutes ago, Parsnip Totin Jack said:

I’d go racing. That’s what momma wants. Bring home a trophy even if you have to buy one at a pawnshop. 🤗

Buying one would be cheaper. 

Mom was in hospice for a few days before Wo46 came to visit. A nurse comes in to give mom her meds and the nurse looked at Wo46 and asked....are you the motorcycle racer that the other nurse are taking about? 

[BR46]

Just now, Airehead said:

Is it possible for,you to go,race but be gone less time?

Normally we leave for 2 to 3 weeks but on this trip we would be gone 6 days. 

We could have @Wilbur fly us there if we can bring a motorcycle and a sidecar as carry on luggage 

[Airehead]

1 minute ago, BR46 said:

Normally we leave for 2 to 3 weeks but on this trip we would be gone 6 days. 

We could have @Wilbur fly us there if we can bring a motorcycle and a sidecar as carry on luggage 

When is the final moment to decide?

[BR46]

3 minutes ago, Airehead said:

When is the final moment to decide?

Our original plan was to leave yesterday but we are thinking about tomorrow. 

We can have everything thing loaded in a hour. 

[MickinMD ★]

2 hours ago, BR46 said:

We originally planned on going to Georgia and then South Carolina this weekend but we canceled our trip because of mom in hospice. 

Yesterday while visiting mom, mom asked ....don't you have a race coming up soon?

I said next weekend but don't worry about it. Mom started to cry and said go racing, make memories with you son....I'm not going anywhere soon. 

If I go racing I will feel guilt that I wasn't there if mom passes while we are gone but I will make mom sad if I don't go.

That's too hard to answer without knowing your mother.

There are times when I couldn't refuse my mother's commands.

But, when she was dying of lung cancer, we were told by the staff at Johns Hopkins Hospital to make sure she ate regularly because most lung cancer deaths were strongly influenced by malnutrition.

So I would do things like stop at Panera Bread after work, pick up each of their four excellent soups, take them to mom and tell her I was going to stay until I saw her eat one of them.

She would reply, "I'm YOUR mother.  I'll tell YOU when I'm going to eat soup."

I wouldn't pay any attention to that because I knew my job was to make sure she ate.  Mom weighed 142 lbs when diagnosed and 136 lbs when she passed away 9 months later despite the effects of cancer, chemo, etc., saying 2 days before she died, "I'm going to have a 2nd helping of that good lasagna," so we did a pretty good job.

So how you decide on how to handle things nearing the end of a mother's life has to be based on what you feel your part is in that.

If being with mom when she dies is most important, then you stay.  In my siblings and my case, my cancer-nurse sister my mother stayed with at the end called us and said, "Mom has about an hour left. Get over here," and we then waited as her breathing, unconscious, came slower and slower over the next hour until she passed.  It was agonizing for us.

 

 

[MoseySusan]

1 minute ago, MickinMD said:

But, when she was dying of lung cancer, we were told by the staff at Johns Hopkins Hospital to make sure she ate regularly because most lung cancer deaths were strongly influenced by malnutrition.

Palliative care may have shifted in the meantime. Two years ago my family received encouragement for my dad’s waning appetite: “People don’t die because they stop eating; they stop eating because they’re dying.” 
 

 

[Thaddeus Kosciuszko]

In all seriousness, is your Mom well enough to go on the trip with you?

I would expect that once word got out that your Mom was with you at the race, the other teams would treat her like royalty.

[BR46]

2 minutes ago, Thaddeus Kosciuszko said:

In all seriousness, is your Mom well enough to go on the trip with you?

No. It's a good day when she can sit in the recliner for a few hours. 

 

[Thaddeus Kosciuszko]

2 minutes ago, BR46 said:

No. It's a good day when she can sit in the recliner for a few hours. 

Not fully knowing your situation then, my opinion is based on incomplete information, and as such is worthless.

I would suggest you can always get another day of racing, but you're not always going to get another day with your Mom.

[BR46]

14 minutes ago, Thaddeus Kosciuszko said:

Not fully knowing your situation then, my opinion is based on incomplete information, and as such is worthless.

I would suggest you can always get another day of racing, but you're not always going to get another day with your Mom.

Since our son lives 900 miles away motorcycle racing is the way we spend family time together. I will request that I will be in his practice group so we can get track time together.

It's a great bonus when he monkeys on a sidecar and the whole family is on the track at the same time. 

[maddmaxx ★]

She sounds better than I thought at first.  I guess I'd go if I thought I'd make it back in time.

[BR46]

32 minutes ago, maddmaxx said:

She sounds better than I thought at first.  I guess I'd go if I thought I'd make it back in time.

10 days ago we thought she was a goner. Today she was sitting in the recliner having a small breakfast. Had two nurses help her to the bed so she could nap...with help of pain killers.

[Zealot]

I was with my mom when she passed. I am thankful I was there. I was 3000 miles away when my brother died and I truly regret that I was not able to say goodbye. I could not have, his death was completely unexpected.  But it is still difficult.

My wife has an interesting viewpoint with regards to your query though. She said that oftimes, people wait to pass when they are alone. It's something they need to do alone. I never thought of it that way. But it has some weight. 

Whatever decision you make, find peace in it. Prayers as you navigate this difficult time.

[Kzoo]

On 3/12/2023 at 1:05 PM, MoseySusan said:

Palliative care may have shifted in the meantime. Two years ago my family received encouragement for my dad’s waning appetite: “People don’t die because they stop eating; they stop eating because they’re dying.” 
 

This for sure.

 

[jsharr ★]

I was not with dad when he died, but I had seen him days before.  I would just encourage you to make sure that your mom knows you love her and tell her anything that is on your heart that you would regret not saying or telling her later. 

[BR46]

4 hours ago, jsharr said:

I was not with dad when he died, but I had seen him days before.  I would just encourage you to make sure that your mom knows you love her and tell her anything that is on your heart that you would regret not saying or telling her later. 

We visited mom this morning and she encouraged us to go and tell her about it when we get back. 

[Airehead]

11 minutes ago, BR46 said:

We visited mom this morning and she encouraged us to go and tell her about it when we get back. 

This is her wish. Honor it. 

[Dottleshead ★]

On 3/12/2023 at 6:57 AM, Wilbur said:

I won’t make a recommendation but… mothers are stubborn and selfless people that sacrifice their own desires for their kids happiness.  Will there be other races?  Will there be other moments with your Mom?  I missed my fathers passing and regret it.  That said, I won’t make a recommendation.

I agree. It could be the end of the line for her or she could live months or years. Either way you can bet she will be appreciative if he chooses her. She may never say anything but she will know.