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A serious challenge for 2015


petitepedal
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I know I need to drink less and workout more...no brainer...but here is my challenge:

 

One of my friends is an introvert with depression issues...and for awhile we did get together about once a week..maybe even more..to walk or just get out for a couple of hours..The last couple of years...not so much.."let's do something on Saturday" gets an "okay" and then nothing...Saturday comes and goes and....no answer to phone messages.  She has come to the couple of parties I have had...but boy...even just going out for a walk is a chore.  At one time she told me her therapist thought I was fantastic..because I did get her out....

 

My other friend (let me say I have more than 2 friends)...anyway this woman adopted a special needs daughter...(who has more needs than she was aware of at the time of adoption)...daughter is 23... we..the 3 of us do things...However, when the daughter is gone for camp or something...I rarely hear from my friend.  Also...I think I am her  listening post...I don't think a conversation goes by where she doesn't complain about her "Effing 23 year old"...I am pretty sure she isn't saying this in front of the daughter...and I realize this is a kid with a lot of emotional and mental health issues...and my friends parents in their 90's are not a place for her to go..and of her 3 sisters only 1 helps with the daughter..sometimes...So I am someone she can blow off to...

 

BUT I am tired of it...tired of no reply to my lets do something calls and very tired of the day in and day out  rant about  the daughter....My goal is to lessen this negativity in my life....  

 

I would love to suggest to my friend with the daughter to change her "record" ...OMG she is a family therapist and  works with kids in the school setting...and yes her daughter challenges her lifestyle... but it is like a broken record...If you know things need to change...step up to the plate and work on those changes.

 

Okay feedback...and not just smart ass comments....

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This is where I come across as being somewhat of an a-hole, but when "friends" begin to eat away at my well-being, mentally/physically/emotionally, my attitude is I am better off without them.  There are professionals who can help them way better than anything I can do, and my first priority is my health and sanity.  I have seen too many people worry their way to an early grave by "giving of themselves" to someone who in all actuality just wanted to bitch and moan about their sorry life. 
 
"I know I need to drink less and workout more" is the only thing I see in your post that is a challenge.  :nod head:

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My other friend (let me say I have more than 2 friends)...anyway this woman adopted a special needs daughter...(who has more needs than she was aware of at the time of adoption)...daughter is 23... we..the 3 of us do things...However, when the daughter is gone for camp or something...I rarely hear from my friend.  Also...I think I am her  listening post...I don't think a conversation goes by where she doesn't complain about her "Effing 23 year old"...I am pretty sure she isn't saying this in front of the daughter...and I realize this is a kid with a lot of emotional and mental health issues...and my friends parents in their 90's are not a place for her to go..and of her 3 sisters only 1 helps with the daughter..sometimes...So I am someone she can blow off to...

 

Petite, this person is toxic. Run — do not walk — away from her. Far away. From what you have described, she is not a friend.

 

If someone refers to her daughter in this way, then it's entirely possible she is also talking about you in the same way when you're not around. Even if she's not referring to you in this way, her negativity will take a toll on you. At the very least, it's going to be hard to stay upbeat and positive if you're listening to someone vent on a regular basis.

 

Now that I think about it, I'm wondering if this person might not be part of the reason you've been dealing with your other health issues this year.

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Unfortunately, there is little you can do for the friend with depression issues.   Let her know you are there for her, but depression is a serious health issue and you can't talk someone into cheering up or get them out of their depression by just encouraging them to do things.  It's very frustrating and sad, but there is little you can do until they are well and ready to engage with you.

 

As for the other person, add me to the list of people who say you need to get away from negative people.  Negativity begins to impact the way you think and feel before you even realize what's happening.  And for people to be real friends, you need to have a mutual relationship.  It sounds like this woman will use you for support, but does she go out of her way to help you when you're down or need help?

 

You're too nice of a person to spend time with people who don't appreciate you like you deserve. 

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 And for people to be real friends, you need to have a mutual relationship.  

 

Wisdom here!  If it's not a mutual relationship, then it's not true friendship.

 

In some ways, life is like a rocking chair.  Rocking chairs are comfortable and predictable.  But to go anywhere or do anything new, one needs to get out of the rocking chair. 

 

And that takes effort, and can be uncomfortable.

 

I would suggest it's time for you to make some friends.  Notice I didn't say 'new' friends, because I don't think the people you mentioned qualify.

 

However, I think you should have the expectation that it will take some effort to find some friends, and it may be uncomfortable along the way - at the very least it won't be routine.  And very likely you will make many more acquaintances than you will make friends.  And there's a distinct possibility you'll get your feelings hurt along the way too.

 

To make friends - and I would echo others to say you are the type of person who deserves true friends - I'd suggest you have to take that chance, that risk.  You will need to change your routine and you will have to make serious efforts over a long time.

 

For people to become your friends it's like anything else of value: you need to earn their friendship.  Unlike what people expect of many things in our society, that isn't an instant process. 

 

It will require a significant investment of time, energy, interest, and emotion.  When you see another person making the same investment in you, then you've got a pretty good possibility you've found a friend.

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