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National Engineers Week!


jsharr
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An engineer was enjoying his very first vacation ever, relaxing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But a hurricane came, and the ship went down instantly. The man found himself swept up onto the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing.

The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea hoping for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No. From around the corner of the island came a rowboat.

But in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention and rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? Wow, you were really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you!"

"It is only me." she said, "And the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then," asked the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it in my kiln it would melt into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" The engineer was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island.

The woman rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home.

After a while exchanging stories, the woman asked, "Have you always had a beard?" "No, I was clean shaven all of my life, even on the cruise ship," he replied. "Well if you would like to shave, there is a men's razor upstairs in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet, was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable."

After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men need, and women, too. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman and fixed a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?"

 

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Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

1.      If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2.      If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

 

Why managers make more money
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives & salesmen. Now we have a mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1:  Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2:  Time is Money.
 As every engineer knows,
        Work
     ----------   =  Power
        Time
 Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
         Work
     -----------   =  Knowledge
        Money
 Solving for Money, we get:
            Work
     ------------------  =  Money
          Knowledge
 Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches  infinity regardless of the Work done.
 Conclusion:  The Less you Know, the More you Make.

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What should I get for Mr. Aire as he celebrates this special week?

It used to be that slide rule would suffice.  It may still if he is a collector of antiques.  If not, a Newtons cradle will keep an engineer enthralled for hours.  It's like catnip for cats.

Edited by maddmaxx
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It used to be that slide rule would suffice.  It may still if he is a collector of antiques.  If not, a Newtons cradle will keep an engineer enthralled for hours.  It's like catnip for cats.

What, no digital Vernier calipers?

vernier1.gif

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As an engineer myself, I have to post a few of my favorites.

 

 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

 

Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

After a short pause ...

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

 

-------------------------------------------

 

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had eggs.”

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The Engineer and the Frog

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

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The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

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Chemical/Process: The reason you have a job. The only ones who know what is going on with the big picture and why you are doing what you are doing! Better get them on your project early and befriend one so you can be kept in the loop! Also, often accused of blowing the budget because… the budget was based on something made up by the PM to win the job and wouldn’t change order the client because… conflict is hard.

Mechanical: Pretty solid folks, definitely second in charge with the process engineers to keep the peace over the other engineers. In charge of all the HVAC… thank goodness. Also have a good idea what is going on and why we’re doing it. Help the chem E’s fight the PM’s.

Electrical: Where is my equipment list! I can’t do anything until you tell me my pump horsepower! I’m going to tell the PM I’m constrainted! What’s FEL 0? What do you mean you don’t know how big the pump is yet?? Also, “Conduit… everywhere you want to be!” (TM) You know that famous Return of the Jedi scene where the Millennium Falcon flies into the tunnel? If that was a real process plant it would have T-boned a field routed 3/4″ conduit about 30 feet in. Electrical engineers are future PM material at my firm…

I&C Controls Engineers: Data sheets, data sheets, and more data sheets! Those who have to make your process work…

Structural: He/She who must coordinate. He/She with whom you must coordinate. Remember, the steel gets built first. Trust me, the client will perceive your pipe as hitting their steel, not their steel hitting your pipe (even though that is what USUALLY happens)! Also, has no idea what is going on in the process… “I just put steel up… I don’t actually know what is in the pipes, that is your job!”

Civil: Only show up when we’re doing anything OUTSIDE… always seem to know exactly what is going on despite not being in the loop, get their stuff done immediately, and then peace out. As far as I know, the civil engineers at my firm are actually Seal Team 6. Every time they show up, it’s by surprise in the middle of the night, they kill some terrorists, and then peace out… when you wake up, all the civil scope is designed, ready for review, and never has any RFI’s.

Comp/Sci: Not actually engineers… wah wah, I said it. Shots fired. #ThesePeopleAreNotEngineers

Industrial Engineers: I used to call them imaginary engineers… and then they saved our butts on projects. Now I love them… the GOOD future PM’s come from this cadre.

Architects: Not actually engineers… but god forbid I have to explain code to a client. That’s what the architects are for. The architects are kind of the Delta Force of my firm. No one knows exactly what they do, but they seem to have lots of fancy equipment, seem to know what is going on, seem to show up when you need them, work behind the scenes, and all the site master plans seem to work out.

Client Engineers: Ugh… I have a factory to run. Go away.

Former Engineers Now Turned Management: “So I told the client we’d do this poorly defined project with lean principals for 30% less money… also told them the end product would be 30% cheaper! I’d love to stick around and help you actually map this workflow I sold them, but, I have to jet off to the next client and give my “lean speech” again! Good luck!”

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Chemical/Process: The reason you have a job...

Mechanical: Pretty solid folks, definitely second in charge ...

Electrical: Where is my equipment list! I can’t do anything until you tell me my pump horsepower! I’m going to tell the PM I’m constrainted! What’s FEL 0? What do you mean you don’t know how big the pump is yet?? Also, “Conduit… everywhere you want to be!” (TM) You know that famous Return of the Jedi scene where the Millennium Falcon flies into the tunnel? If that was a real process plant it would have T-boned a field routed 3/4″ conduit about 30 feet in. Electrical engineers are future PM material at my firm…

I&C Controls Engineers: Data sheets…

Structural: He/She who must coordinate. He/She with whom you must coordinate...

Civil: Only show up when we’re doing anything OUTSIDE…

Comp/Sci: Not actually engineers… wah wah,

Industrial Engineers: I used to call them imaginary engineers…

Architects: Not actually engineers…

Client Engineers: Ugh…

Former Engineers Now Turned Management: “So I told the client...

Well, that's a rather unflattering depiction of electrical engineers! :angry:

Build all the stuff you want, people, but remember it doesn't do squat if the power don't flow.  Tick us off and we make it so things don't run until you assuage our professional sensibilities with massive food bribes.

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Well, that's a rather unflattering depiction of electrical engineers! :angry:

Build all the stuff you want, people, but remember it doesn't do squat if the power don't flow.  Tick us off and we make it so things don't run until you assuage our professional sensibilities with massive food bribes.

Who run barter town?

 

Embargo on.

Edited by maddmaxx
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I have a bone to pick on the Comp/Sci thing.

Not *all* Comp/Sci folks are engineers.  However, there are some - network engineers.  These people design networks, run cable, know routing tables, VLANs, firewalls, and the difference between a Layer 2 and a Layer 3 switch.  They actually engineer things within their field, thus the engineer title.

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Who run barter town?

 

Embargo on.

Ok, fair point.  In that case I guess you could say the process/mechanical/chemical "engineer" had a stranglehold on Aunty. 

But if you note carefully, there wasn't any power distribution system or generating plant in Bartertown.  If Aunty had managed to hire a good electrical engineer she would have been set for life and could have told Master to go soak his head in his pig 'slop'.

;)

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