Social anxiety issues

[Indy]

What can I say, I am dense and takes me a long time to figure out my issues.  Just always chalked up to being the antisocial engineer type, but after multiple anxiety attacks last week over an extended family get together, I now get it.  Also explains why I am so stressed and unhinged taking my kids out in public.

 

Anyone here deal with it and have any tips?  I'm tired of being constant on edge and stressed.

[Parsnip Totin Jack ★]

That's a difficult issue and one that my wife has faced in the past. I'm reluctant to offer pithy advice as this is you and I am me. But if I was you, I would examine where the anxiety originates. Is this a fear of an unknown catastrophic event that might or might not happen? We can't control everything and worrying does not accomplish anything other than making you feel bad. I would stop worrying (there's that pithy advice) about things beyond your control and manage what you can control. You seem of above-average intelligence and abilities. I believe that you could handle any situation that you are facing. Keep telling yourself that and drive that anxiety out of your head; don't let it live rent free there. It is not welcome.

[Randomguy]

I would just say that other people understand your generalized feeling that other people are horrible more than you realize, and who wants to be around horrible people?   Not super uncommon, not that I can see.

How is the giant offspring?

[Dirtyhip]

I wish I could help.  Being around people is enjoyable for me. My husband is more quiet and reserved. He doesn't love social gatherings.  Sometimes, he just needs to chill and be introverted.  People need to understand that part.

[Indy]

2 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

I wish I could help.  Being around people is enjoyable for me. My husband is more quiet and reserved. He doesn't love social gatherings.  Sometimes, he just needs to chill and be introverted.  People need to understand that part.

Small groups I'm fine and enjoy but anymore than a half a dozen people, even if I know them well, I'm looking for the closest exit.

[Indy]

11 minutes ago, Old#7 said:

That's a difficult issue and one that my wife has faced in the past. I'm reluctant to offer pithy advice as this is you and I am me. But if I was you, I would examine where the anxiety originates. Is this a fear of an unknown catastrophic event that might or might not happen? We can't control everything and worrying does not accomplish anything other than making you feel bad. I would stop worrying (there's that pithy advice) about things beyond your control and manage what you can control. You seem of above-average intelligence and abilities. I believe that you could handle any situation that you are facing. Keep telling yourself that and drive that anxiety out of your head; don't let it live rent free there. It is not welcome.

Yeah, that's the catch with anxiety issues, they aren't rational, you know it and there is nothing you can do to stop it.  You just kind of shut down and can't deal or focus.

 

Need to my Dr and guess I'm looking at yet another pill.  Ugh.  At least I have a handle on my A.D.D. and don't have to take a stupid expensive pill everyday like my son, and doubt Anxiety meds are free like my cholesterol meds, yea, more stress.

[Square Wheels]

6 minutes ago, Indy said:

guess I'm looking at yet another pill.

Not always.  I'm usually the same, though probably not quite as severe.  I dislike gatherings in general and have a hard time talking to people, but then there are times when I have a blast with family or friends.  It's gotten easier for me over the years.

I'd suggest starting with traditional Western medicine, but question if just taking a pill is the best answer.  I'd also suggest looking into some Eastern medicine, meditation in particular.

[Wilbur ★]

9 minutes ago, Indy said:

Yeah, that's the catch with anxiety issues, they aren't rational, you know it and there is nothing you can do to stop it.  You just kind of shut down and can't deal or focus.

 

Need to my Dr and guess I'm looking at yet another pill.  Ugh.  At least I have a handle on my A.D.D. and don't have to take a stupid expensive pill everyday like my son, and doubt Anxiety meds are free like my cholesterol meds, yea, more stress.

Meditation, if practiced frequently provides a lot of relief for anxiety.  There are a lot of pilots doing it because you can't take the meds and maintain a medical to fly.

[LoneWolf]

I have had GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).  Different people have different triggers.  In my case, it happened  when I experienced two toxic workplaces that expected far more than one person could deliver.  What worked for me:

Learning how to slow my breathing.  Measured, even breaths, at a slow deep in, slow deep out to manage heart rate and fight tension.

Rationalizing.  You've figured out what causes your anxiety, explore the why.  Once you've got the why, poke holes in it.  In my case, I had to acknowledge that what people wanted of me was unrealistic instead of trying to please unrealistic goals, and work from there.  Your rationalizing process will be different, but it could help.

Minimize the stimulus that triggers your anxiety. Don't completely withdraw, but look at your triggers and decide how much you're willing to expose yourself to them.  Balance that.  Or see if you can adjust to it by exposing yourself to those situations in a gradual way.

Finally, it doesn't hurt to check with your doctor and see if there is a medication for occasional anxiety that can relax you.  I'm not suggesting pills as the instant cure but it can be worth it to have the equivalent of an asthmatic's  "rescue inhaler"  for those kinds of situations.

 

[Indy]

12 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

Not always.  I'm usually the same, though probably not quite as severe.  I dislike gatherings in general and have a hard time talking to people, but then there are times when I have a blast with family or friends.  It's gotten easier for me over the years.

I'd suggest starting with traditional Western medicine, but question if just taking a pill is the best answer.  I'd also suggest looking into some Eastern medicine, meditation in particular.

Meditation and A.D.D. don't seem to go well together.  Exercise works the best, but it's hard to jump in the middle of work and go for a bike ride.  Not doing something, just causes my mind to go nuts.  I'm a whole lot of screwed up anymore.

[Square Wheels]

Just now, Indy said:

Meditation and A.D.D. don't seem to go well together.

Probably not for everyone.  I was on Concerta for a dozen or so years, I no longer take it.  Haven't for 10 or more years now.

[Indy]

Just now, Square Wheels said:

Probably not for everyone.  I was on Concerta for a dozen or so years, I no longer take it.  Haven't for 10 or more years now.

That shit is costing me a couple hundred bucks a month for my son now.  Not trying to turn this into a political post, but I really have to make medical decisions anymore on whether I can afford to treat it or just live with it.  It freaking sucks. 

[Wilbur ★]

2 minutes ago, Indy said:

Meditation and A.D.D. don't seem to go well together.  Exercise works the best, but it's hard to jump in the middle of work and go for a bike ride.  Not doing something, just causes my mind to go nuts.  I'm a whole lot of screwed up anymore.

Actually, mediation does a lot for ADD and is a frequently recommended treatment. .  You may want to reconsider it.  

[Square Wheels]

1 minute ago, Indy said:

That shit is costing me a couple hundred bucks a month for my son now.  Not trying to turn this into a political post, but I really have to make medical decisions anymore on whether I can afford to treat it or just live with it.  It freaking sucks. 

My son was on it for a long time too.  I think docs want to make their clients happy, and a lot of their clients want quick fixes.  Dole out the meds.

I suspect your son, and you, would both be fine without it.  Maybe take a yoga class with your son.  It's very meditative without feeling like a Buddhist sitting in a circle "relaxing".  Plus it would be good father / son time, and a lot less expensive then the meds.

[Kirby]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but glad you've identified the issue and try to find something to help.  While I'm all for medicine that can be helpful, do you think visiting a cognitive behavioral therapist might be productive and help avoid taking additional medicine?   I don't think CBT is intended to be an ongoing experience, but something with a more defined time frame to work on specific behaviors.

[Indy]

Just now, Square Wheels said:

My son was on it for a long time too.  I think docs want to make their clients happy, and a lot of their clients want quick fixes.  Dole out the meds.

I suspect your son, and you, would both be fine without it.  Maybe take a yoga class with your son.  It's very meditative without feeling like a Buddhist sitting in a circle "relaxing".  Plus it would be good father / son time, and a lot less expensive then the meds.

Oh no, my son absolutely needs it to function in school.  Hopefully one day he will be able learn to manage it on his own, but right now, it's the best solution for him.  He'd be bouncing off the walls in a Yoga class, which would stress me out to absolutely no end, otherwise it would quite funny to watch, though I doubt the yoga teacher would appreciate it.

[Square Wheels]

You know yourself and your son better than anyone.  I'd propose not dismissing the idea that there are alternatives to medicine.  Somehow we all survived school without medication.  Your prescribing physician isn't likely going to suggest it.  Maybe you could try a yoga class.  I took a series at my local high school a few years ago, very inexpensive.  Some are good, some are not as good.  They all teach me something about myself.

[Johnny Come Lately Name]

1 hour ago, Indy said:

anymore than a half a dozen people, even if I know them well, I'm looking for the closest exit.

Immediately? Or after a while?

[Zephyr]

My wife has been dealing with anxiety and panic attack issues for over 15 years.  Be careful with the controlling without meds if you do not know the cause of the anxiety.  (What is causing it and what triggers it are two different things)  My wife tried do fix it herself for years and it almost killed her. Nothing worked and the problem just kept getting worse and worse.  

 For her, it turns out to be a chemical imbalance in her system.  One tiny pill to deal with the chemicals and she is right as rain.  Can and probably never will be free of it now, because it is a biological issue.  It is like being diabetic and figuring you can make it go away without the insulin.  Sometimes your body needs the help.

If the anxiety is a mental heath issue, then there are a number of ways to help get mentally healthy, including things like meditation.

Just just need to know what it is you are needing to treat.

[jsharr ★]

Anything outside my comfort zone or realm of knowledge gives me social anxiety.  Once I am comfortable with a situation, as in I have been there, done that several times, I am much better.  I tend to negatively interpret and thus I only see the bad things that might happen or see the mistakes I made, not the good version of either.

One of my sons has a hard time socially.  He excludes himself from lots of stuff do to it.  When he does participate, he will often tell me he had fun and it helped him get his mind off his worries and anxiety.

Medication and therapy have done a lot for him, but we have a long way to go.

Like you, I feel I should seek help but I put the needs of my family above mine.

 

[Indy]

20 minutes ago, F_in Ray Of Sunshine said:

Immediately? Or after a while?

Pretty much immediately if I can slip out unnoticed.

[Indy]

17 minutes ago, jsharr said:

Anything outside my comfort zone or realm of knowledge gives me social anxiety.  Once I am comfortable with a situation, as in I have been there, done that several times, I am much better.  I tend to negatively interpret and thus I only see the bad things that might happen or see the mistakes I made, not the good version of either.

One of my sons has a hard time socially.  He excludes himself from lots of stuff do to it.  When he does participate, he will often tell me he had fun and it helped him get his mind off his worries and anxiety.

Medication and therapy have done a lot for him, but we have a long way to go.

Like you, I feel I should seek help but I put the needs of my family above mine.

 

Yeah, it's the fact I'm obligated to do things now because of my kids that is kind of forcing me to now deal with my own demons.  Don't want them missing out because Dad is a nut job.

[jsharr ★]

Just now, Indy said:

Yeah, it's the fact I'm obligated to do things now because of my kids that is kind of forcing me to now deal with my own demons.  Don't want them missing out because Dad is a nut job.

At the very least you are aware.  Do not let your demons consume you or harm your relationship with your kids.   Pride has caused me all sorts of problems.  I am flawed.  My kids are flawed.  Their flaws are not mine and do not reflect on me. Took me a long time to learn that and I often forget it.  

[ChrisL]

Some sage advice and I really found the post and responses interesting.  

Sorry I really can't offer any advice as this just isn't an issue for me and i cant relate.  Growing up in a large family, simple gatherings were a large raucous ordeal. Holidays were a freaking zoo. I found a niche as an MP Desk Sergeant as  I just seemed to have a knack of being able to focus on the radio and phone traffic as all he'll was breaking loose around me.  I attributed that to my upbringing.

Hope you find a solution to your anxiety.

[petitepedal ★]

My 2cents...and that is what it is worth... Identifying that you struggle with this is a huge step. I am a fan of a combination of talk and drug therapy...depending on the situation.  I am not a fan of just giving someone another pill..unless it is a chemical thing that needs the pill.  Talk therapy or a combination of talk and meds would be my first direction of choice...and don't give up on something like yoga or meditation..it may help.  Good luck with this...

[Johnny Come Lately Name]

1 hour ago, Indy said:

Pretty much immediately if I can slip out unnoticed.

I asked because I can do well at parties and such...but only for a while. Then it’s almost like I get overloaded and just shut down. If I’m there for a long time, I just kind of wander off by myself after a while. 

You’re not “a nut job” and it’s not something that needs to be “fixed”. You are who you are. You just need to learn to recognize what’s going on - which you seem to be doing- and learn how to deal with it. You’re not going to “fix” it completely and it won’t happen overnight. You may try things that don’t work or even make it worse. That’s ok, it’s part of the learning curve. Don’t judge yourself harshly. Look at it as a puzzle to be solved not a defect that needs to be fixed.

There are a ton of solutions and unfortunately, they’re not “one size fits all”.

I would start with something like this.   It may work for you, it may not. It may work sometimes, but not others. It’s not as weird as you think - it’s basically just telling your mind to STFU for a while. It’s learning to be more aware, more mindful and this can help you recognize behavioral patterns before they get out of hand. You’ve got nothing to lose - It’s free and there are no side effects.

You might want to talk to a professional - there’s no shame in it. Again, if you talk to someone and it doesn’t seem right, don’t give up on the idea, try someone else. It may take you a few tries.

If there’s a chemical imbalance component, something like Ativan may work for you. It may not. I’ve heard folks with anxiety or depression swear by one drug and say they hated another, while someone else says the opposite.

Chances are, you may find a combination of things work for you.

 

[Scrapr ★]

I got nothing Indy. Just good luck and keep working on it as best you can

[Caretaker]

My take "you're not ill and don't need a pill".

[maddmaxx ★]

IMO avoiding large groups of people isn't social anxiety, it's smart.

[Wilbur ★]

Social anxiety is why god invented alcohol. 

[Caretaker]

11 minutes ago, Wilbur said:

Social anxiety is why god invented alcohol. 

Yes, Dionysus aka Bacchus.

I'd post a pic but SW has this thing about nudity.

[Indy]

52 minutes ago, Wilbur said:

Social anxiety is why god invented alcohol. 

Yes, but people with anxiety issues who drink to deal with them often end up as alcoholics.  Not really a good solution.

[Wilbur ★]

4 minutes ago, Indy said:

Yes, but people with anxiety issues who drink to deal with them often end up as alcoholics.  Not really a good solution.

It was a tongue in cheek comment.  There are few issues alcohol solves but many do use it to make their anxiety issues less an issue. Whether that links to alcoholism is another story and a well debated one in the medical field.