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A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneek into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake up my mother!"

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Maybe that's why they went out of business

A blonde sees a flier on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise -- Only $5." She goes to the address on the flier and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newsp

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

 

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets a big one. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

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Actual questions asked of National Park Rangers
(From the May 1995 issue of Outside; sent to me by Karyen Chu)

GRAND CANYON:

  • Was this man made?
  • Do you light it up at night?
  • Is the mule train air conditioned?
  • So where are the faces of the presidents?

EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK:

  • Are the alligators real?
  • Are the baby alligators for sale?
  • Where are all the rides?
  • What time does the 2 o'clock bus leave?

MESA VERDE NATIONAL PARK:

  • Did people build this, or did Indians?
  • Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
  • Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
  • What did they worship in the kivas - their own made up religion?
  • Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

CARLSBAD CAVERNS NATIONAL PARK:

  • How much of the cave is underground?
  • So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
  • So what is this - just a hole in the ground?

YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK:

  • Where are the cages for the animals?
  • What time of year do they turn on Yosemite Falls?
  • What happened to the other half of Half Dome?

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK:

  • Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
  • How do you turn it on?
  • When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
  • We had no trouble finding the park entrance but where are the exits?

DENALI NATIONAL PARK:

  • What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
  • How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
  • What time do you feed the bears?
  • How often do you mow the tundra?

 

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... 'Ma'am there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really?  Shoot!' says the little old lady.  'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them.  Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop.  'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh no,' says the little old lady.  'You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium.  Each time there is a game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!  So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say,'$20 or off it comes!'

'Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop.  'Ok, good luck!  By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' says the little old lady,......'not everybody pays!'

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Automobile Tool Definitions

Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill:

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Aviation Metal Snips:

See Hacksaw.

Vise-Grips:

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

Zippo Lighter:

See oxyacetylene torch.

Whitworth Sockets:

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel:

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:

Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers:

A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone:

Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light:

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:

A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Trouble Light:

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

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For some inexplicable reason, FRoSS comes to mind:

Banned from Walmart

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your *** cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

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Barber’s wooden ball

 An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “You’d just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

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BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Charlotte , North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!

Before anyone "Snopes" it

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A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life." The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

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A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

 "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

  "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

 The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

 The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

 "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

 The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

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As one of the new guys I can honestly say from my experience that the last thing this forum needs is another joke thread.  I can tell that the personality of the forum has been carefully shaped by it's creator.  He seems to be a resoundingly funny guy.

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As one of the new guys I can honestly say from my experience that the last thing this forum needs is another joke thread.  I can tell that the personality of the forum has been carefully shaped by it's creator.  He seems to be a resoundingly funny guy.

​Freedom of speech conversely gives us (you) the freedom of not listening. B)

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CROSSBRED DOGS

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

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Day 2446 of my captivity – ESCAPE!

Saturday, ~1400 hours. Long have I dreamt of this day. The man cub went outside to play catch with himself off the side wall. I moseyed over, nonchalantly, and waited for the alpha female of the house to go upstairs. Slowly I nudged the door open, ESCAPE!

TRALALALALA LALALALALA ZIPIDEE DO DAH ZIPIDEE DAY. YEEEHAAAAA

20 Minutes later: I am hungry. Meow! The door is closed, where is the man cub? I’ll wait them out forever at the back door….

1 minute later: What was the noise? I’ll go look.

~1600 hours: Hungry, thirsty. If I had claws, I’d catch something. I’ll hide under this neighbor's car, she has brethren felines. Crap! They chased me out.

Find a place to sleep…………………………

~800 hrs the next morning. I hear the alpha male calling me. I’ll show them, I ignore them. I am queen of the suburban jungle!

All day, intermittent calls of my former owners. Nah, not ready to go back.

~2100 hours. Hey look at this my former owners left food outside and one of the my beds, how thoughtful of them. I am only going to use it because I just haven’t had the time to find anything better.

Monday ~0500 hrs: THE DISH IS EMPTY! I AM GOING TO STARVE! HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Back to sleep.

~0600 hrs. I hear the alpha male in the kitchen making coffee. They left the storage room where they keep the big thing with wheels open .

MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! He’s opening the door!. I rush in to where my bowl is! I’m eating! I’ll live!

He closed the door, I’m captive again. I’ll escape again, later, after my nap.

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Subject: Dog Philosophy


The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers


If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

-Will Rogers


There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

-Ben Williams


A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

-Josh Billings


The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

-Andy Rooney


We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.

-M. Acklam


Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.

-Sigmund Freud

 

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

-Rita Rudner


A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

-Robert Benchley


Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

-Franklin P. Jones


If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

-James Thurber


If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.  

-Joe Weinstein


Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

-Anne Tyler


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-Robert A. Heinlein


If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

-Mark Twain


You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

- Dave Barry


Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

-Roger Caras


If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

-Phil Pastoret


My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am

 
  
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Dogs Letters to God

 

  Dear God,

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

 

Dear God,

When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

 

Dear God,

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

 

Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

 

Dear God,

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

 

Dear God,

If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

 

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

 

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

 

Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

 

Dear God,

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

 

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

 

Dear God,

Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

 

Dear God,

May I have my testicles back?

 

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."

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I originally heard this one in Louisiana as a "Boudreaux" Joke":

From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this supposedly true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Lincoln, RI.

After last call at the Lodge, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road headed toward 146.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud driver.

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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An extremely large, muscular woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and pointed to all the men sitting at the bar and asked, "Which of you men will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was as usual, VERY drunk. Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!" Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "Which of you men will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina anudder drink!"

Thibodeaux, finally approached Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux mah fren', I know it ain't none of my business of course if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come you keep callin' her a Ballerina?"

Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux . . . to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high gots to be a Ballerina!"

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For the Archers

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those Little Bad-ass Compound Bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our place sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that I  was,  I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. I'll put it this way - a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

Anyway, one summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard.  I look over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off.  I grabbed the can and set it on the stump.  I thought it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner . . lets face  it... to  a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself, ether really doesn't "sound" flammable.  So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles) to add to the excitement.

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder.  My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie...1lb pyrodex and 16 oz of ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker - you know?  You know what?  Screw that. I'm going back in the house for the other can.  Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too.

Now we're cookin'

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow.  I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck....  OH SH**! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTH look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom.  Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can.  OH - SH**.

When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet.  I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 decibels of sound. I caught a half millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...

THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE!

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture.  Notice I said "was".  That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport  having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: "ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU’RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway.  All the windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 feet over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s three wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment.  I don't know--I know I said something.  I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head.  I don't think he heard me either...not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on.  I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later.  I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... Repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea.  I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again.

Thanks, mom.

One thing is for sure...I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been complaining about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later.  And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating.  Or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery....  Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.  Something they won't learn in school.

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Girl friend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Football 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

"A Troubled User"

 

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Saks 2.1 and Jewelry 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 

Best of luck,

Tech Support ..

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A mother who was cleaning her teenage son's bedroom discovered a cache of S&M magazines under his bed.

She presented them to her husband and asked, "What should I do about this?"

"Well, one thing's for sure," he said. "Don't give him a spanking."

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Mom is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.

"Okay," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."




Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce!"

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

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A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin.'

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A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

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My buddies and I were drinking in a bar last night and I told that old joke about what do you should do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub?

Answer. Throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this when this big ugly bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said, ''I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bathtub during one of his fits.''

I said, ''Sorry, dude, did he drown?''

"No," he said, ''He choked on a sock.''

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The Top 30 Statements a Redneck Will Never Make:

 

1. Oh I Just Couldn't, She's Only Sixteen.

2. I'll Take Shakespeare For $1,000, Alex

3. Duct Tape Won't Fix That.

4. Come To Think Of It, I'll Have A Heineken.

5. We Don't Keep Firearms In This House.

6. We Don't Feed That To The Dog.

7.No Kids In The Back Of The Pickup, It's Just Not Safe.

8. Wrestling's Fake.

9. We're Vegetarians.

10. Do You Think My Gut Is Too Big?

11. I'll Have Grapefruit & Granola Instead Of Biscuits & Gravy.

12. Honey, We Don't Need Another Dog.

13. Who Gives A Damn Who Won The War Between The States.

14. Give Me The Small Bag Of Pork Rinds.

15. Too Many Deer Heads Detract From The Decor.

16. I Just Couldn't Find A Thing At Wal-Mart Today.

17. Trim The Fat Off That Steak.

18. Cappuccino Tastes Better Than Espresso.

19. The Tires On That Truck Are Too Big.

20. I've Got It All On The C:\ Drive and backed up in the cloud.

21. Unsweetened Tea Tastes Better.

22. My Fiancee, Bobbie Jo, Is Registered At Tiffany's.

23. I've Got Two Cases Of Zima For The Super Bowl.

24. Checkmate.

25. She's Too Young To Be Wearing A Bikini.

26. Hey, Here's An Episode Of "Hee Haw" That We've Never Seen.

27. I Don't Have A Favorite College Team.

28. You All.

29. Those Shorts Ought To Be A Little Longer, Betty Mae.

30. Nope, No More For Me. I'm Driving.

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Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas , leading an old, tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing, immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir ... but ... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

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Hollywood Squares:

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Do female frogs Croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the REST is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

 

 

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Once upon a time in a small remote village, in a land far away, a stranger appeared in the town square and announced to the assembled villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to catch some. The stranger bought thousands at $10 and as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts and returned to concentrate on their farms.

The stranger reappeared in the village square a few days later and further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started searching high and low in the surrounding forests catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms, content with their profits from the second sale of monkeys.

A week later, the stranger appeared again and the offer increased to $25 for each monkey. The villagers redoubled their efforts in the search, but the supply of monkeys had became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it. Fewer monkeys were brought in for sale, so the stranger now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50.

However, he told the assembled villagers, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the stranger, the assistant had a huge cage hauled in to town. He told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys that the stranger has collected in the big cage. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the stranger returns from the big city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings, the hard earned money that they made from the capture and sale of monkeys and gave it to the assistant. They bought all the monkeys back.

They waited for the stranger to return. Days went by and turned to weeks and they never saw the stranger or his assistant. There were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a much better understanding of just how the stock market works…

 

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How to Wash the Cat

  Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION!!!!!

Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times.

Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

Sincerely,

The DOG

 

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A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday.

 

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A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday.

 

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Irish dinner for $1....

Hey O'Leary, did you hear a-bout the new Restaurant...? You get yer dinner, yer drinks and desert... then they escort you to the back and ya get laid.... all for a buck!

Holy moly Flanigan, that's amazing!!! So ya been to this Restaurant?

Flannigan replies: Nope but my sister has..

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If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

​holy hell, these killed me.  "I'm too busy growing strawberries!"  :D

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It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.  If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday.  Now I do not see you anymore.  I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem!  I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.  Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.  And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.  And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem!  Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.  And Adam was comforted.  And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is.  The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.  And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.  And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

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LAW AS IT SHOULD BE

One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with this woman." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a pleasant voice and a neat appearance, so, after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to her apartment where they immediately went to bed.

The following morning the man presented her with $25.00. As he prepared to leave she demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the money I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

In court after the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honor, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00 which is only half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property adequately compensated for rental of said property. We therefore, ask judgment be not granted."

The young lady's lawyer come back was this: "Your Honor: My client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property, also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

She got the judgment.

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Letter From A Farm Kid

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

 

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A BBC TV journalist is interviewing an elderly former Polish fighter pilot.

Interviewer: So Mr Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?

Polish Fighter Pilot: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dived down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded. Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames. The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!

Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.

Polish Fighter Pilot: That's true, but these fokkers were Messerschmitts!

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With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan.

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia - who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, "Big Bill" was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their acheivements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn's aunts.

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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

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A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 

 "How are you today?"  
 
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. 
 
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. 
 
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
 
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.
 
"Do you live around here?"  She asked.
 
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
"Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of  her life.  

 
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,  
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

 The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 
Edited by ahsposo
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A Letter to my Cats

  Dear Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I can fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of other cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years -- feline attendance is not mandatory or helpful.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cats' back end. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

  1. They live here. You don't.
  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
  5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant because they've been "fixed."

 

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

 

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