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A father spoke to his son, “It’s time we had a little talk, my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you’ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else.”

He added, “But don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal... it’s called cycling.”

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I was recently pulled over for speeding. The cop approached my car and said, "I'm at the end of a long shift and headed back to the station. Give me a good reason for speeding and I'll let you go." I told the cop, "Five years ago my wife ran off with a cop, I thought you were trying to give her back." Cop replied, "You're good, get out of here."

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JSharrr comes into a room and finds 2 Far attending to  Parodybot who is lying motionless on the rug.

 

2Far: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.

JSharrr: Oh, is he dead?

2Far: I think so.

JSharrr: Hadn't you better make sure?

2Far: All right. Just a minute.

Sound of two gun shots.

2Far: He's dead

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  • 2 months later...

@Peds walks into an London cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
Peds says, “A hamburger, chips and a coke,” and turns to the emu, “What’s yours?”
“Sounds great, I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be $9.40 please,” and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, “A hamburger, chips and a coke.”
The emu says, “Sounds great, I’ll have the same.”
Again Peds reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.
“Same for me,” says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?”

“Well, love” says Peds, “a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.” says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, “What’s with the emu?”

Peds pauses, sighs, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.”

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Carl is a local real estate developer/politician

 

A BUFFALONIAN GOES TO HELL

Carl Paladino dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a wicked, horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as Paladino is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

Carl, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Buffalo. Hot, humid, plus I always loved demolishing old buildings! This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder Carl's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with rain blowing into his eyes, Carl is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

Paladino replies, "This is great! Just like April in Buffalo. It reminds me of landscaping all of my beautiful Rite-Aids!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make Paladino suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make Paladino unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. Paladino is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down, Carl throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Bills won the Super Bowl!"

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THE COUNTY JOB

A guy goes to the Rath Building to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes ,100%, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

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This kid from Cheetowaga turns 16 and goes to to the NY State Department of Motor Vehicles apply for a permit. He is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the young man replies, "He's my uncle."

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3 minutes ago, BuffJim said:

 

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down, Carl throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Bills won the Super Bowl!"

Wide Right!

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A guy from Houston, a guy from Toronto, and a guy from Buffalo are out riding horses. The Houstonite pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.

The Torontonian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Houstonite says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Torontonian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.

The guy from Buffalo can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!" The Torontonian says, "In Canada, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

So a while later the Buffalonian pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian. The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"

The Buffalonian says, "Well, in Buffalo, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a nickel."

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5 minutes ago, BuffJim said:

A guy from Houston, a guy from Toronto, and a guy from Buffalo are out riding horses. The Houstonite pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.

The Torontonian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Houstonite says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Torontonian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.

The guy from Buffalo can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!" The Torontonian says, "In Canada, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

So a while later the Buffalonian pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian. The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"

The Buffalonian says, "Well, in Buffalo, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a nickel."

POTD

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  • 2 weeks later...

Mother was having difficulty gulping down the birthday cake Little Cheese had made for her as a surprise.

When she finally finished, Little Cheese happily explained, “I’m so glad you like it, Mommy.”

“There should have been 34 candles on the cake, but they were all gone when I took it out of the oven.”

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Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.
Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Remember: “STRESSED” spelled backward is “DESSERTS.”

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Little Cheese asked his Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked Cheese.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

Cheese goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

Cheese left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

Cheese said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

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  • 2 weeks later...

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called “Yam”. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally ashed, and get a bad name for herself like “Hot Potato”, and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato, either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho Potato University (IPU) so when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just a...
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Are you ready for this?
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Are you sure?
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OK! ... Here it is!
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Common Tater

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A New York stockbroker had made millions of dollars for an Arabian oil sheik. The sheik was so pleased he offered him rubies, gold, and a silver-plated Rolls-Royce. He declined the gifts, telling the sheik that he had merely done his job. But the sheik insisted.

“Well,” the broker said, “I’ve recently taken up golf. A set of golf clubs would be a fine gift.”

Weeks went by. One morning the broker received a letter from him.

“So far I have bought you three golf clubs,” it said, “but I hope you will not be disappointed because only two of them have swimming pools.”

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  • 1 month later...

The Abbot of the Monastery was very strict in his routine.
Each morning, he'd come out of his cell, go into the main
room where all the monks were sitting, and chant "Good
Morning." They would chant back "Good Morning." At the
evening meal, he'd enter the room and sing "Good Evening,"
and they would reply in kind. One morning, though, in
response to his greeting, he distinctly heard one monk sing
"Good Evening." Wondering if his ears were going, he sang
"Good Morning," only to hear the anomalous greeting again.
Looking about the room, he sang "Someone Chanted 'Evening.'"

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  • 4 weeks later...

Golf Rules for Seniors

 

Rule 1.a.5 - A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (B) - A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3(G) - There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h) - If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5. - Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k) - There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.” If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.G.15(z) - There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.

Rule 8.k.9(S) - Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment. Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy. Golf is a game of integrity.

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A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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  • 1 month later...

Manpower

Why it's great to be a man

 

It’s great to be a Man - Because:

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”

One mood, ALL the damn time.

And don’t forget...... Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

You never feel the need to wash your underwear out simply because they are slightly soiled. Just throw them in the dirty clothes with everything else.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: “He must be mad at me.”

No maxi-pads.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

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  • 3 weeks later...

This diet is designed to help you cope with constant stress ...

BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz skimmed milk

LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

MID AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
nuts, cherries, whipped cream

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 milky way candy bars

LATE EVENING SNACK
Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer

RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories;
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda;
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do;
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as brandy, hot chocolate and Sara Lee cheesecake;
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner;
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel;
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories - the process of breaking causes calorie leakage;
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae;
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color;
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies and popsicles.

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  • 1 month later...

R White:I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schneider would still be alive today if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote". He got bitten by a copperhead, and I'm telling him funny stories out of Reader's Digest. His head started to swell, I said "This ain't working". He goes, "READ FASTER!!"

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R WHite: I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. [imitates sound of a tiny airplane]. What happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We're traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming, "Go around!". We get halfway to Phoenix and we gotta go back. It's a 9-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they take told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] "Heard ya! Sure did." It was weird. Everybody on the plane was nervous, but I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't give a shit." You ever have one of those days? "Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes "Hey man! [gasps for air] Hey, man! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far will the other one take us?" [As himself]"All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin' ass!"

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  • 1 year later...

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

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Three women die in a tragic auto accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter greets them and says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It wasn't long before one of the women accidentally stepped on a duck. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "You two must now spend eternity together."

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck. Almost immediately St. Peter appears, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains the two together and says, "You two must now spend eternity together."

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. However, one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever seen--a male model type, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "You two must now spend eternity together."

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $5,000 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know, mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $10,000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $20,000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."

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An attractive, well-dressed woman in a nice business skirt and blazer was waiting to board the bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, she attempted the step.

Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.

With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more, and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

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There was this guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Then a big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him and grabs the drink from him and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"Oh, no, it's not that," said the guy. "It's just that this has turned out to be the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep and I get to my office late. My boss was outraged and he fired me. When I leave the building to get my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home. As I got out of the cab, I realized that I left my wallet and credit cards in there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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A blond is walking through the department store and notices a shiny cylinder.

"What's that?", she asks the sales person.

The sales person replies, "It's a thermos...it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Really! That is unbelievable! I'll take one!", she says.

Next day, she walks into work proudly holding her new thermos.

A coworker asks, "Hey, what have you got there?"

"It's my new thermos", she says. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. I bought it to bring my lunch in."

"Well what did you bring for lunch today?" asked the coworker.

"Chicken noodle soup and a Popsicle!"

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An Irish lass, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar a very drunk old man slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "I'll buy the ballerina a drink."

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same old drunk slammed his money down on the bar and said, "I'll buy the ballerina a drink."

The bartender approached the old man and said: "Tell me Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife for you?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend asks, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

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A New York City lawyer runs a stop sign in West Virginia and gets pulled over by the sheriff.

He thinks he's smarter, being a big shot lawyer from New York, and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia.

The sheriff asks for his license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." Said the sheriff impatiently: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please."

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny," said the teacher, "if there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny.

"Why is that?" asks the teacher.

"Because the the other four birds would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like how you think."

Little Johnny then asks his teacher a question. "If three women are coming out of an ice cream store and one is licking her cone, the second is biting her cone, and the third is sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher with some hesitation, "I guess I would say the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny. "The answer is the one wearing a wedding ring ... but I like how you think."

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The Sanders were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Sanders kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to ..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Sanders cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Sanders.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Sanders quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Sanders exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Sanders.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Sanders, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling--I could hardly concentrate. And when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Sanders leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um ... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too large to be held in the hand for long."

At this point, Mrs. Sanders fainted.

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A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said to his son, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I guess I just panicked."

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A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside, "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and so he goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congratulations. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!"

Chinese: "Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."

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Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pulleys is ingenious.

"No," the third student said, "You're both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

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One evening after dinner, a farmer sat outside smoking his pipe, when a car pulls up. Out steps a young man, obviously a city-dweller.

"Good evening, sir! As I was driving by, I noticed some milkweed growing along your fence line, and I was wondering if you'd allow me to pick some."

"Milkweed? You want milkweed?"

"Yes, sir, if that's okay."

"Sure, kid, knock yourself out!"

The young fellow went back to his car and fetched two buckets and headed out across the pasture.

Buckets? The farmer chuckled and thought about how the boys down at the diner would react to this story. Those city folks are always good for a laugh!

About sundown, the guy returned with two buckets filled with milk, thanked the farmer, and drove off.

The farmer scratched his head. What on earth?

A few days later, the same young man returned. This time he said he had spotted some honeysuckle at the edge of the woods, and asked permission to pick some.

"Uh, yeah, sure," the farmer said. "Go right ahead."

And off went the young man with his buckets. About an hour later he was back, both his buckets filled with honey.

The old farmer's jaw dropped. He wasn't laughing anymore.

A few days later, the kid was back.

"Good evening, sir. A few minutes ago, down by the creek, I spotted some pussy willow and I was wondering if..."

The farmer sprang to his feet. "Hold on, son! Lemme get my hat!"

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  • 2 months later...

I was sitting at the bar last night waiting for my beer when this really unattractive, oversized woman comes by and slaps me on the butt. She said, "Hey, handsome, how about giving me your number."

I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

She said, "Yes, I do."

I said, "Well, you'd better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is this Friday.

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