Joke Thread

[2Far ★]

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

[2Far ★]

Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.

He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."

Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"

He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.

The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

[2Far ★]

A hurricane capsizes a cruise ship in the Caribbean. @jsharr washes ashore on a remote island. Outside of the beautiful scenery, a fresh water pool and bananas, there is little else.

One day, after several months have passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appears.

"Wow! I can't believe I found another person!" she exclaims. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answers. "Where did you get that rowboat?"

"Oh," she says, "I found it washed up on the beach. Where is your shelter?"

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the sand," he says.

She invites him to her side of the island. Once she's rowed them to her side, she ties up the boat with hand-woven rope. "It took forever to find enough washed up strands to braid that length of rope," she tells him.

She leads him to a cozy bungalow painted blue and green. "I scouted for felled trees and then stained the salvaged wood with these really juicy berries I found in the jungle," she tells him.

Once inside, she excuses herself to slip into something more comfortable. She returns wearing revealing silk lingerie, smiling provocatively.

"I found some washed up suitcases from the cruise ship a few weeks ago," she tells him. "But now that I've found you, I finally have a reason to wear something sexy again. Tell me, haven't you been lonely? Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something you've been longing for, too?"

"Oh wow!" exclaims jsharr with great excitement. "Does this mean you've found the Internet, too?!"

[Zephyr]

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

"Dam"

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

A gynecologist became tired of his profession and wanted less responsibility, so he decided to make a career change. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

[2Far ★]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there. Instead a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to HEAVEN.COM. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your password and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears.

It reads, "Welcome to PURGATORY.COM. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue ..."

[2Far ★]

A balding, white-haired man from Bellville, Texas, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger lady at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said angrily: "There’s only $25 your account!"

"Oh, I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

"A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money.The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked, "Iif I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" the beggar replied. "Does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?"

"How about shopping?" she asked.

"No," the beggar said, "don t you understand I need money just to stay alive."

"Will you spend it on your hair?" the lady asked.

Annoyed the beggar replied, "No, I just need money for food, and shelter."

"In that case," the lady said, "I don t want to just give you money I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight."

"Why?" The beggar asked.

"Well," the lady said, "I think it s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments. "

[2Far ★]

I guess the strangest gift I ever received was from my family. It was an elephant for my room. I wanted to be polite and say, “Thank you,” but they kept saying, “Don’t mention it.”

[2Far ★]

I’m so old I remember when we didn’t have the internet. We had to wait for the Reader’s Digest to come in the mail each month so we could steal other people’s jokes. PROGRESS FTW!

[2Far ★]

[jsharr ★]

[2Far ★]

For the Southerners (the Yankees won't get it)

A guy from down South goes to Connecticut and sees some girls. He asks them, "What college do y'all go to?"

One of them responds daintily, "Yale."

He replies, "WHAT COLLEGE DO Y'ALL GO TO?"

[2Far ★]

Just now, jsharr said:

Oy, that dude should shave his ass & walk on his hands!

 

 

[2Far ★]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new color, new outfit and big sunglasses, and then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman: "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

The preacher stands up before the church collects the offering and announces, “Gentlemen, please open your wallets and turn to number 100.”?

[2Far ★]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The man replied, "You can't do this -- I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

[2Far ★]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "Really, you have a drink named Steve?"

[2Far ★]

A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries.

"Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the United States.

One of them says that he's heard that people in America eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two "dogs"

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "What part did you get?"

[2Far ★]

This one strikes close to home. Too close:

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.

The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

I guess math is only as hard as you make it:

[2Far ★]

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[Rattlecan ★]

Dija hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He would lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband.

He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did.

When the wife came out, the husband asked her, "So what is the matter with me?" And the wife said, "The doctor said you're going to die."

[2Far ★]

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

[2Far ★]

Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge and see a funeral procession starting across the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel and continues fishing.

His friend says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

He responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do -- after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

[2Far ★]

[2Far ★]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" asked the man. The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[2Far ★]

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I was hiking in the woods and stopped to talk to a fellow hiker.

We were talking long enough for me to realize he wasn't a good guy. So, fearing for my safety, I started to leave.

Just then a big bear came charging straight for us. I pulled a 22 pistol from my pocket and the guy starts yelling how stupid I was for thinking it would stop the bear.

I shot the guy in the foot and took off running.

[2Far ★]

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A guy was walking to his local pub for his usual evening drink.

As he got near he saw a nun standing outside. She began to harass him by shouting "Tink carefully before you touch the demon drink, it's the work of the devil!"

The man was starting to get angry and he challenged the nun by saying, "You don't know what you're talking about as you've probably never had a drink." The nun replied that was a fair point.

The man told her she should have one before preaching to others. She replied, "I suppose I should. I might try a gin as I understand that's what women drink. Could you get me one and bring it out to me in a cup as I don't want others to see me with a glass."

The man carries on into the pub and asks for a pint of Guinness and a double gin in a cup. The barman replied, "Is that bloody nun back again?"