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Maybe that's why they went out of business

A blonde sees a flier on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise -- Only $5." She goes to the address on the flier and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newsp

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A blonde sees a flier on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise -- Only $5."

She goes to the address on the flier and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.

The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.

Her friend replies, "They didn't last year."

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A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses! Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

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25 minutes ago, BuffJim said:

I gave you a virtual hug. That’s way better than a Thank you. 

Oh

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On 4/28/2015 at 10:00 PM, ahsposo said:

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

Someone said we needed a joke thread. I found this one but I think we have more.

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On 4/17/2020 at 2:59 PM, Philander Seabury said:

Well you do save $12.  But wait, there's more!  You also save $3!

Dangit, my matching sucked as bad as circuit city’s on that one. I guess I was thinking $62.99. was the original price.  :(

 

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8 hours ago, Philander Seabury said:

Dangit, my matching sucked as bad as circuit city’s on that one. I guess I was thinking $62.99. was the original price.  :(

 

But at least I can blame Otto Correct for changing mathing to matching. :)

 

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1 minute ago, Philander Seabury said:

But at least I can blame Otto Correct for changing mathing to matching. :)

 

Ok whatever you say.

 

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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said, "I think I was just molested back there."

The bus driver looked at her and said, "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been." So, he lets her off and drives on.

He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says, "I think I was just molested back there."

Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is @Randomguy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.

The bus driver says, "Sir, what are you doing?"

Randomguy looks at him and says, "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but then I lost it again."

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There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

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1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: '"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."

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Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas, surrounded entirely by wheat fields.

One blonde riding shotgun says, "Look over there!" They see another blonde in scuba gear who is acting like she's swimming through the wheat.

The blonde driving says, "It's girls like that who give us blondes a bad name."

The other blonde says, "Yeah! And if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and tell her off."

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