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Maybe that's why they went out of business

A blonde sees a flier on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise -- Only $5." She goes to the address on the flier and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newsp

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After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day.

He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist church. The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, “That will be $20.” The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.

The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. “Not bad,” he thought, “at least I don’t need to get a shave every day.”

The next morning the man’s face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. “I thought $20 was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.” The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment.

She responded, “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”

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A woman walked up to a bald little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I take huge amounts of testosterone every week, as well as growth hormone, DNP, winstrol, deca, T3 and diuretics. Besides that I party hard every weekend, take ecstasy, cocaine and drink like hell”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-six,” he said.

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A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised that they would not.

Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "no".

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,

"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything! But nooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, “What seems to be the problem?”

“I’m out of gas,” the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees
flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes,
the bees flew out.
“Try it now,” said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow!” the man exclaimed, “What did you put in my gas tank?”
The bee answered...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BP

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Scenario:   You have a whining wife at the front door, and a howling dog at the back door.

Question:   Which one do you let in first?

Answer:   The dog, of course, because once you let it in at least it will stop...

 
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Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor.

“Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor.

“How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and * Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead, schmead,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!”

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I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

 
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This is one of my all time favorites:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
       

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
       

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. One shot, then another, then several. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

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A Safety guy & a QC guy were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
       

The QC guy shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
       

The Safety guy turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

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Managerium

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice- neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”

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One Sunday morning, the Pastor noticed Little Johnny standing in the foyer of the Church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Johnny.”

“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque.
“Pastor, what is this?” he asked.

The Pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, Little Johnny’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service... the 9:30 or the 11:00?”

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In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently - without lying...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”

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So this young Chinese couple enter into a family arranged marriage.

On the wedding night, the groom who is hopelessly clueless about what he's supposed to do but eager not to appear so asks his rather more experienced bride to name her carnal pleasure and he will provide.

"I think I want number 69" she replies.

Flabbergasted he asks "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

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Dogma - dog one-liners

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and I’m wearing milk bone underwear.

Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.

My Karma just ran over my Dogma.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to Church Sunday morning.

It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy. He told the preacher that he would attend his Church if the pastor would drink some of his brandy, and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.

Sunday morning, the man visited the Church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said, “I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given.”

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Epitaphs

 

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York…
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In the Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona...
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a fourty-four
No Les No More.

On atheist Arthur Haine’s epitaph, Vancouver, Washington...
Haine
haint

In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery…
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia…
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery…
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery…
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery…
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery…
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer’s epitaph in England…
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery…
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England…
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont…
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts…
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a London, England, cemetery...
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

In a Georgia cemetery...
“I told you I was sick!”

On a fisherman’s grave, New Shoreham, Rhode Island...
Captain Thomas Coffin
Died 1842, age 50 years.
He’s done a-catching cod
And gone to meet his God.

On a coal miner’s grave...
Gone Underground For Good

On a dentist’s tombstone, Edinburgh, Scotland...
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.

On a teacher’s tombstone, Elkhart, Indiana...
School is out
Teacher has gone home.

On an attorney’s tombstone...
The defense rests.

On a brewer’s tombstone...
G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.
In life he was both hale and stout.
Death brought him to his bitter bier.
Now in heaven he hops about.

On a waiter’s tombstone...
Here lies the body of
Detlof Swenson.
Waiter.
God finally caught his eye.

On a grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia...
She always said her feet were killing her
But nobody believed her.

On a painter’s tombstone...
A Finished Artist.

On an auctioneer’s tombstone...
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!

On a traveling salesman’s tombstone...
My Trip is Ended:
Send My Samples Home

For a music conductor...
Stephen and Time are now both even;
Stephen beat Time, and now Time’s beat Stephen

On a doctor’s tombstone...
Dr. Fred Roberts
1875 - 1931
Office Upstairs

In a churchyard in South Wales...
Hurrah! my boys, at the Parson’s fall,
For if he’d lived he’d a buried us all.

On a housewife’s tombstone...
Mary Weary, Housewife
Dear Friends I am going
Where washing ain’t done
Or cooking or sewing:
Don’t mourn for me now
Or weep for me never:
For I go to do nothing
Forever and ever!

On an adulterous husband...
Gone, but not forgiven

On a spinster postmistress’s tombstone, North Carolina...
Returned - Unopened

In Battersea. London, England...
Owen Moore
Gone away
Owin’ more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine, didn’t like Mr. Wood...
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood  within another.
The out wood is very good:
We cannot praise the other.

Boot Hill Cemetery, Arizona...
He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair.

Silver City, Nevada...
Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.

On a tombstone in Florida...
Ma Loved Pa,
Pa Loved Women,
Ma caught Pa with one in swimmin...
Here Lies Pa

Schenectady, New York...
He got a fish-bone in his throat
and then he sang an angel note.

Winterborn Steepleton Cemetery, Dorsetshire, England...
Here lies the body of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels and away she went.

In a cemetery in England…
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
… To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

On a Hookstone, Pennsylvania tombstone with an etching of a marijuana plant on it...
Hi
Stay high
Bye

On a Chapel Hill cemetary...
I was Carolina Born
and Carolina bred
and here I lay
Carolina dead!

On a tombstone of a newborn in Ashby de la Zooch, England...
Ope’d my eyes
Took a peep.
Didn’t like it
Went back to sleep.

In Rock Valley, Massachusets...
We all have a debt
To nature due
I’ve paid mine
And so must you.

On an Australian country tombstone...
Wherever you be,
Let your wind go free.
For holding it in,
Was the killing of me.

On a hanged man...
Rab McBeth
Who died for the want
of another breath.

On a hanged sheep stealer, Larne, Ireland...
Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool and died by hemp.

On a coroner who hung himself, West Grimstead, Sussex, England...
He lived
And died
By suicide

On a miser who wanted to save money...
Thorp’s Corpse.
When his wife died, the wording was changed to...
Here lieth Thorpses Corpses.

... and a few “Miscellaneous” Tombstone Epitaphs...

Here lies old Aunt Hannah Proctor
Who purged but didn’t call the Doctor:
She couldn’t stay, She had to go
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

A zealous locksmith died of late,
And did arrive at heaven’s gate; He stood without and would not knock,
Because he meant to pick the lock.

This spot is the sweetest I’ve seen in my life,
For it raises my flowers and covers my wife.

Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake.

Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
Now she’s at rest and so am I.

He looked for gold
And died of lead poison.

Here lies the bones of Private Jones
For whom War held no terrors.
A private then, a private now
No runs, No hits, just errors.

Here’s to Johnny quite a guy
Very sad he had to die
All was well could not be better
Till he wrote my girl a letter.

She was not smart, she was not fair,
But hearts with grief for her are swellin’;
All empty stands her little chair:
She died of eatin’ water-mellon.

Here lies the body of Mary Ford.
We hope her soul is with the Lord.
But if for hell she’s changed this life,
Better live there than as J. Ford’s wife.

Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you’ll come to I.
And the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I’ve got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.

I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you (thank heaven) will not.

Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn’d long time for this vicinity.

Here lies
Elizabeth,
my wife for 47 years,
and this is the first damn thing
she ever done to oblige me.

Tears cannot restore her -
Therefore I weep.

I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.

Cold is my bed, but oh, I love it,
For colder are my friends above it.

Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all thats left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.

Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.

They abounded in riches
But she wore the britches.

First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In

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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”. “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
“Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her mobile phone in public any longer.

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A group of East Kootenay friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired of him.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”

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A bloke's wife goes missing while SCUBA diving off the West Australian
coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a
knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old
Sarge and a younger Constable.
 
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
 
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The
Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here
found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got
a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
 
  The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were
quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to
her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five
crabs in it.
 
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?
 
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull
her up again!
 
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed?” asked one detective.

“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.

“A golf gun? What is a golf gun?”

“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed?” asked one detective.

“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.

“A golf gun? What is a golf gun?”

“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

:rolleyes:

I think you have too much time on your hands, go get a job.  :)

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:rolleyes:

I think you have too much time on your hands, go get a job.  :)

I think he'd make a great squarewheelscycling.com forum admin. (mean guy with a blackjack).  How much does it pay.

He's got to be better than those other 2 jokers you employ.

 

 

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I think he'd make a great squarewheelscycling.com forum admin. (mean guy with a blackjack).  How much does it pay.

He's got to be better than those other 2 jokers you employ.

The pay is terrible, the hours are worse.

2? try 3.

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2? try 3.

Guess I should watch my back.

EDIT - BTW, what are you doing in a joke thread?

 

Edited by Kzoo
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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

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Here’s a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...

There’s a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there’s a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

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He opens his mouth and says, “I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses.”
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I’ve got mine shutting down right now...

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My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights.

Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms were not tiled, and necessary fixtures were not installed. I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us.

Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband’s last note:

“After September 15, all work will be supervised by five children.”

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Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

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Five Doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead.

The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. “I’m not quite sure it’s a duck,” he said, “I think that I will have to get a second opinion.” And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. “I’ll have to do some more investigations,” he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey’s identity. “Now, I know it’s a duck, but does it know it’s a duck?” The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon’s weapon pointed skywards. BOOM! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
“Go see if that was a duck, will you?”

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In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light.

She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge’s eyes. “You’re a schoolteacher, eh?” he said.

“Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!"

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

And, that's when the fight started.

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A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were In bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'. And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage . I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many &years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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A man comes home from a night of drinking.

As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money." 

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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what’s wrong.

“The word is celebrate,” says the old monk.

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Two pilots were discussing the merits of a twin-engine, propeller-driven aircraft undergoing service trials.

“How does it handle?” asked the pilot who hadn’t yet flown the new plane.

“Oh, it’s not bad,” was the reply.

“How is it in asymmetric flight? One engine out?”

After thinking for a moment, the other pilot replied, “That’s where it becomes tricky. If one engine quits, the other engine immediately takes you to the scene of the crash.

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