Joke Thread

[2Far ★]

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

[2Far ★]

A Harley biker is riding by the Toronto zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched the entire event. The reporter said to the Harley rider, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist with the Star you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.”

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

[ahsposo]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

[2Far ★]

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed...

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was re-built. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world. About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

[ahsposo]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"

The old man says "I'll have the soup."

[2Far ★]

A knockout young lady decided that she wanted to get rich quick.

So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12-inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand - The sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

[2Far ★]

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search o#*@!lass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

 

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman’s hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog’s testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That’s really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I’ll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn’t have a siren." -

Edited September 25, 2015 by 2Far

[2Far ★]

A man is walking by a mental hospital surrounded by a high wooden fence when he hears voices chanting. The voices are saying excitedly, “13! 13! 13! 13!” He’s very curious, so he looks through a hole in the fence, and someone pokes him in the eye.

“Ouch!” he says.

Then he hears the voices chanting, “14! 14! 14! 14!”

[2Far ★]

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour.

Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”

Picture this - all the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog… the pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

[2Far ★]

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied. “When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1944.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

[ahsposo]

A man gets a diagnosis from his doctor.

"It's incurable and fatal." the medico says. "You have less than two months to live."

"Oh,No!" the man wails. ""Is there anything I can do?"

"You might want to start taking mudbaths" the doctor replies.

"Will mudbaths prolong my life?" the man asks.

"No, but they will get you used to being in the dirt."

[2Far ★]

Three blonde men are stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown-haired man and swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so he is turned into a black-haired man. The black haired man builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across the bridge.

[2Far ★]

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar and grab a booth. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, “The media is really tearing you apart for that scandal.”

Hillary: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean Seal Team 6?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the use of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean Obama arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”
Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving Solyndra $500 million dollars and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy, and then the Chinese bought it?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s repeated violation of the law requiring me to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Me, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers, and stuck citizens again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”
Trump: “That’s the one!”

1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption and that you don’t “HAVE” them - you “PITCH” them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up “a mess” (as in “a mess” of greens).

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is - as in: “Going to town, be back directly.” (generally pronounced dreckly)

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’).

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far (pronounced “fur”) piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that “fixin’” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. (As in, I was fixin to go over to BettyLou’s. Or, we had a huge Christmas dinner with all the fixins. Or, are you fixin my car next?).

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term “booger” can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in “that ol’ booger,” a first name, or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don’t do “queues”, we do “lines,” and when we’re IN, not ON, line we talk to everybody!

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.

15. True Southerners never refer to only one person as “y’all”... more than three is way more than one, it’s “all y’all”.

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food We recognize milk gravy when we see it, know what to do with it and wonder what the heck you other people eat on your biscuits.

18. When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19. Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates it contains sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart” and go your own way.

[2Far ★]

A Doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the Doctor yelled, “Up Nuts” and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts” and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the Doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts”. They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts!!!” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the Doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the Doctor asked, “What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied, “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!’ ”

[Kzoo]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

 

[2Far ★]

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one, so I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it’s when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age. I’d call it: “Pumping Rust.”

I’ve got that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers.

Application blanks always ask, ‘who is to be notified in case of an emergency.’ I think you should write, “A Good Doctor.”

 

[2Far ★]

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. She walked to the nearest gas station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out. Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and, always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the road. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic!”

 

 

 

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into the “Orange Dipper,” an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates Park, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”

Edited October 4, 2015 by 2Far

[2Far ★]

A Toronto man with long, unkempt hair and beard, wearing a long white robe and sandals, carries a sign which reads, “The world will end at midnight.”

Then he turns to reveal the back of the sign, which reads, “12:30 in Newfoundland.”

 

[Rattlecan ★]

A Harley biker is riding by the Toronto zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched the entire event. The reporter said to the Harley rider, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist with the Star you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.”

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

Sounds about right for the Star.

[Rattlecan ★]

A Toronto man with long, unkempt hair and beard, wearing a long white robe and sandals, carries a sign which reads, “The world will end at midnight.”

Then he turns to reveal the back of the sign, which reads, “12:30 in Newfoundland.”

 

12:00 Toronto time would be 1:30 Newfie time.

[2Far ★]

12:00 Toronto time would be 1:30 Newfie time.

Yeah but Newfies haven't learned to tell time yet, have they?

[2Far ★]

The Ant & the Grasshopper

 

CLASSIC VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


THE CANADIAN MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs, dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving.

CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.

Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer while others have plenty. The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant’s house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing, “We Shall Overcome.”

Exiled Svend Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.” In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant’s taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant moves to the U.S. and starts a successful agribiz company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant’s food though Spring is still months away, while the Government house he is in (which just happens to be the ant’s old house) crumbles around him because he hadn’t maintained it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, and Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, and the Toronto Star blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders who are praised by the government for enriching Canada’s multicultural diversity. The spiders promptly terrorize the community.


THE AMERICAN MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit, the Frog, appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house, where the news stations film the group singing “We Shall Overcome.”

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share”.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once-peaceful neighborhood.

[2Far ★]

Mental Hospital Helpline

 

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde, don’t press any buttons - you’ll just mess it up.”

[2Far ★]

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a woman with an itsy bitsy shooter, against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest calibre you trust to protect yourself?
It’s the Beretta Jetfire


“While out hiking in Alberta with my husband, we were surprised by a huge female grizzly bear. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.


If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my husband’s knee cap was all it took.
The bear got him, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.”

[2Far ★]

[World history as told by college students - mangled moments of civilization from Term Papers and Exams...]

Along came a man named Robisieu Thermidorean who saved the people. The revolution evolved through monarchial, republican, and tolarian phases until Napolean performed a coo in 1799. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. As his power leaked away his body became a symbol. He was later troubled by Spanish gorillas, who formed a sore in his side.

Americans, of course, wanted no involvement in the French and Indian War because they did not want to fight in India. This led to the Stamp Act, where no stamps could be issued unless they bore the American mascot.

Another final straw in the camel’s pack was when Britan tried to bar colonists from crossing the Appelation Mountains. Many Colonists became convicted patriots after reading Horse Sense by the escaped Englishman Thomas Pain.

Another problem was that France was full of French people. Dickens made this point in The Tail of Two Sisters, which he required us to read.

France was in a very serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget.

Napoleon fertilized all his life. His only son died by a sphere.

Revolters demanded liberty, equality and fraternities. Fraternity breeded pride in the nation and therefore thicker political boundaries. Victims of the terror were rolled to the gilotine in tumblers, an unpleasant thing for all involved. Many of these unfortunate people became known as Emma Grays.

Tea formed a large surplice. The Boston Tea Party was held at Pearl Harbor. The Quebec Act was an Intolerable Act because it would have required Americans to learn French in school.

The American colonists lived on a continent and England was an island. Thus the Americans wanted independence.

The Americans had to mustard an army. Benjamin Franklin, already famous as inventor of the light bulb, persuaded French King George III to help the USA. The use of Haitian troups by the British violated the rites of Englishmen everywhere.

The British defeated the French from 1793 to 1815, but at gastronomic cost.

The French Revolution was like a tractor. It gave people the understanding that you need change in order to make tracks in the world. The Third Estate was locked out of its motel and had to do its business on a tennis court. This led to the Tennis Court Oath. This act of small deviance was the fuse that led to the explosion that blew up the government.

Yorktown was sight of Robert E. Lee’s greatest victory. Washington defeated the Allies at Gettysberg. He was the first and only president to be elected anonymously by the Electoral College. Thomas Jefferson was president, founder of the University of Virginia, and author of the Decoration of Independence.

[2Far ★]

Bob's wife, Marilyn accompanied himto the Doctor’s office for his annual physical. After the physical, and while he was getting dressed the Doctor called Marilyn into his office alone.

He told Marilyn, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you do not follow my advice your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal and put it on a TV tray in front of his lounging chair. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him and let him eat it where he chooses.”

“Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him because it will only make his stress worse.”

“Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him several backrubs. Encourage him to watch sporting events on television.”

“And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.”

“If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will begin to regain his health.”

On the way home, Bob asked Marilyn what the Doctor told her.

She said, “You’re going to die.”

 

[ahsposo]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on winter jersey and tights, grabbed a couple of bananas, slipped quietly into the garage to pump up the tires on my Bianchi 928, and proceeded to ride out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding in that shit."

[2Far ★]

(While waiting tables one afternoon, a group of 4 older gentlemen, aged about 65-70, seats themselves in AWWC's section. In the middle of their meal, one of them beckons him over.)

Customer: “Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people sing in the shower? The other third touch themselves. Anyway, do you know what they sing?”

AWWC: “Uh, well, no. What do they–”

Customer: “I didn’t think you would. You can go.”

(While waiting tables one afternoon, a group of 4 older gentlemen, aged about 65-70, seats themselves in AWWC's section. In the middle of their meal, one of them beckons him over.)

Customer: “Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people sing in the shower? The other third touch themselves. Anyway, do you know what they sing?”

AWWC: “Uh, well, no. What do they–”

Customer: “I didn’t think you would. You can go.”

[2Far ★]

Joan, a rather well-proportioned blonde secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make,” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

[Square Wheels]

^ that made me chuckle.

[2Far ★]

^ that made me chuckle.

Glad I could help.

[2Far ★]

A Texas wildcatter went to his dentist one morning.

After a thorough examination, the Dentist said, “Your teeth are in great shape. I can’t think of a thing to do.”

The Texan said, “Drill anyway - I feel lucky today!

[2Far ★]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

[2Far ★]

A pastor of a small community Church decided to take a long-anticipated duck hunting trip with his new dog. He was frustrated with what seemed to be a lack of vision and an endless list of expectations by the Church of its pastor.

After a while sitting in his boat, a duck flew overhead. He shot and it fell. His dog immediately jumped out of the boat and ran across the surface of the water, retrieved the duck, and ran back to the boat. The pastor was stunned. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Soon after, another duck flew overhead and “blam!” it dropped into the water. His dog again jumped out of the boat, ran across the top of the water, and retrieved the duck.

He hurried home and fretted for days over this miracle. “How could I tell the people of my Church without sounding like I was boasting?” “Will they be intimidated if they know that my dog can walk on water?”

Finally he settled on a plan. The next week, he invited three of the elders of the Church to accompany him on a hunting trip. Soon, a duck rose, and he shot it. Without a pause, his dog jumped out of the boat, ran across the water, retrieved the bird, and returned to the boat. He eagerly looked at the elders, but they didn’t show that anything unusual had happened. During the day, they shot several more ducks, and each time, his dog ran across the water to retrieve the bird.

He couldn’t wait any longer. “Do you notice anything unusual about my dog?” he asked. The three looked at one another, and whispered a quick consultation. The eldest then cleared his throat. “We don’t mean to be critical, but the other pastors have taught their dogs to swim…”

[2Far ★]

Lifespan allocation

On the first day God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.” So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I’ll give you twenty years.”
Man said, “What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back - that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “you’ve got a deal.”

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone...

[2Far ★]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it’s 3 o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not - it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.

[2Far ★]

Workers traveling the 50 km journey on the Chunnel between Britain and France recently experienced severe periods of stress and disorientation.

While in Calais, they went to a French doctor who said to them, “Non, il n’y a rien mal avec vous” - that there was nothing that could be done to alleviate their illness.

Wanting a second opinion, they took the Chunnel to an English doctor in Folkestone who correctly diagnosed their problem. They had Carpool Chunnel Syndrome.

[2Far ★]

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

She enters the living room, sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi Darling” he says. “Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

A missionary couple was captured by some decidedly unfriendly natives, tied together with a long piece of leather and left dangling over a large cliff. That evening, the natives danced and chanted around the campfire and as each member passed the leather strap holding the unfortunate missionaries, he gave it a whack with a stick, causing it to weaken a bit more.

As the chanting grew louder and louder, the husband looked at his wife romantically and said, “Listen darling. They’re fraying our thong!”

[TrentonMakes]

“Listen darling. They’re fraying our thong!”

I really thought I had heard all the "long-story-and-pun-punchline" jokes.  That's a great one. 

[2Far ★]

I really thought I had heard all the "long-story-and-pun-punchline" jokes.  That's a great one. 

Remember "two obese Pattys......"?

[TrentonMakes]

Remember "two obese Pattys......"?

well, actually - no, I don't.  How many more like "chess nuts boasting" and the ever popular "super calloused fragile mystic" can there be?!

[2Far ★]

well, actually - no, I don't.  How many more like "chess nuts boasting" and the ever popular "super calloused fragile mystic" can there be?!

Not quite the version I remember, but close:

A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of his riders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are named Patty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on. At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took off his shoes, and picked at his bunions.

When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new that day. He said, "Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

[tybeegb]

Police officer calls into the dispatcher reporting a shooting.  Said there's a woman in her kitchen holding a gun.  She shot her husband.  She had just finished mopping the kitchen floor and he walked in while it was still wet.  Dispatcher asked if he'd arrested the woman.  He replied, no.  The floor's still wet.

[2Far ★]

Hospital Charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night;

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year;

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared;

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed;

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993;

6. Discharge Status: Alive but without my permission;

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful;

8. The patient refused autopsy;

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides;

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital;

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days;

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch;

13. She is numb from her toes down;

14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home;

15. The skin was moist and dry;

16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches;

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive;

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid;

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce;

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy;

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation;

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized;

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function;

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead;

25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present;

26. The pelvic exam will be done later today on the floor;

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree;

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall;

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[2Far ★]

A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”

The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

[2Far ★]

Four guys from St. Paul went up to Northern Minnesota to go fishing.

To save a little money, they rented a small cabin that had only two bedrooms. Arne sleeps with Ole the first night and he comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess, and his eyes all bloodshot.

They say, “Vat happen to you?”
Arne says, “That Ole, he snores so loud, I was kept avake vatching him all night. I can’t do that ’nother night so vun of you’s got to do it.”

Since Ole snores so loudly, no one else wanted to room with him, but they finally agree to take turns. The next night is Oscar’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

Oscar declares, “Fer sure, dat Ole shakes the roof. And he sleeps so hard, I couldn’t vake him. I vatched him all night.”

The third night was Sven’s turn. Next morning Sven come to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
They can’t believe it! They say, “Vat happened?”
Sven says, “Vell, ve get ready for bed. I go und tuck Ole into bed and kiss him good night. Den he vatches me all night long.”

[2Far ★]

A new, young MD was doing his residency in gynecology. He was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To conceal his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

A middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?”

She replied, “No Doctor, but the song you were whistling was ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’ ”

[2Far ★]

Dr. Kroeker wasn’t a great proctologist, but he was resourceful.

He always used two fingers in case his patients wanted a second opinion.

[2Far ★]

The Gynecologist completed the examination of his eighty-year-old patient and said to her, “Mrs. Jones, you’re in perfect health for a woman of your age. Is there anything else you need?”

Mrs. Jones said, “I’d like some birth control pills, please.”

”Really, Mrs. Jones, you don’t need birth control pills,” said the doctor.

She said, “You don’t understand, Doctor – they’re for my headache.”

The doctor chuckled as he said, “I can assure you, Mrs. Jones, birth control pills will not cure your headache.”

Mrs. Jones replied, “Oh, yes they will – I put one in my grand-daughter’s coffee, and my headache goes away.”

[2Far ★]

A little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee in bed. He had made it all by himself and was very proud of himself. He waited eagerly to hear her verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had truly never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee. The first few sips just about did her in, but she praised her grandson, and told him it was wonderful - and she drank it all anyway.

As she forced down the last sip, she noticed three little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, “Honey, why would three of your little army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”

Her grandson replied, “You know, Grandma, it’s like on TV: ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’ ”