Joke Thread

[2Far ★]

An overweight business associate decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic donut. His staff members scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special donut,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of pastries. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious donuts, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.’ ”

“And sure enough,” he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”

[2Far ★]

An elderly couple was attending a Church service, when about halfway through she leans over and says, “I just had a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

[2Far ★]

“SPEED LIMIT 65 MPH for most cars and some trucks under 8,000 pounds - only if they’re empty, unless you weigh over 300 pounds – then divide by six. For additional information call the IRS, which helped write this.”

[2Far ★]

Valenitine's Day is this weekend:

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen

“I can see from you utter misery, from your eagerness to misunderstand each other, and from your thoroughly bad temper that this is the real thing.” - Peter Ustinov

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” - Joan Crawford

“Love is a word consisting of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.” - Jeff Rovin

“Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.” - Judith Viorst

“Love is the only disease that makes you feel better.” - Sam Shepard

“Love is what happens to men and women who don’t know each other.” - W. Somerset Maugham

“Love: one game never postponed on account of darkness.” - Unknown

“The only place you’re sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother.” - Bruce Lansky

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” - Richard Lewis

[2Far ★]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ’Guess who?’ ”

“But why?”

“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

[2Far ★]

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. - Milton Berle

On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. - Milton Berle

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. - Milton Berle

Valentine’s Day - a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. - Milton Berle

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot. - Milton Berle

Today is Valentine’s Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! - Jay Leno

[2Far ★]

A Newfoundland Doctor wanted to find out what the best method of birth control was, so he surveyed three of his patients as to what method they used.

The first patient says, “We’re Catholic so we can’t use it."
“How many children do you have?”
“Twelve.”

The second patient says, “We use the rhythm & IUD methods, and we have 6 children.”

The third female patient (six foot tall) says, “We use the pail and saucer method.”
“How many children do you have?”
“None.”

Just as the puzzled Doctor was about to ask the next question, the woman’s husband (five foot two) entered the room.
The Doctor asked, “What is the pail and saucer method?”
The woman says, “He’s so short that we make love standing up, with him standing on a pail. When his eyes get big as saucers I kick the pail out from under him.”

[BuffJim]

“ I was driving through West Texas and saw a hitchhiker. It was the middle of nowhere so I picked him up. He kept staring at a brown bag I had on the seat between us. I said, "if you're wondering about the bag, it's a bottle of wine I got for my wife." He nodded his head a couple of times and said, "Good trade!" ”

[BuffJim]

“ A man calls the front desk from room 1248 in a hotel. Ask the clerk for "maintenance". Clerk wants to know what the problem is. Man tells here that his wife has gone berserk and is threatening to jump out the window. Clerk tells him that this is a police matter, not a maintenance issue. Man tells her that the window won't open and THAT is a maintenance issue. ”

[BuffJim]

“ I ran into my ex the other day. Now I have to get my bicycle repaired. ”

[BuffJim]

“ Poor Ole walked into the Sheriff's office this morning to request help as his Lena passed away during the night. The Sheriff asked Ole where he lived and Ole responded, "On Minnehaha Ave." How do you spell that?" asked the Sheriff. Ole thought a moment and said, "How's about I drag her body down to Oak?" ”

[BuffJim]

“ A married couple in their early sixties were quietly celebrating the evening of their their fortieth wedding anniversary on their front porch swing.
As they sat enjoying each other's company, a beautiful, tiny fairy appeared on the porch. "For being such an exemplary couple," the fairy said, " for loving and caring for each other all these years, each of you are granted one wish."
Thinking quickly, the wife answered, "I would love to travel around the world with my darling husband!" The fairy waved her magic wand-swish! Swish! Poof! Two tickets for the Queen MaryII appeared in the wife's hand.
After thinking for a few moments the husband finally said, "Well, you know, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this won't come again. I'm sorry, my love, but I wish for a wife thirty years younger than I am."
Of course, the wife and the fairy were very disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
Swish! Swish! Poof! The fairy waved her magic wand; and sitting next to the wife was a ninety three year old man.
The moral: Ungrateful bastards need to remember that fairies are female. ”

[2Far ★]

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, “I’m a multimillionaire. I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell.”

The young jogger says, “Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?”

The old man says, “I can’t remember where I live.”

[2Far ★]

A Baptist couple felt it important to own a Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When instructed to look up Psalms 23, the dog complied just as quickly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so impressed that the couple purchased the animal and took him home.

That night the couple had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his skills that they wanted to show him off. They called the dog and gave him his commands. Their friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog could do any of the usual tricks, as well.

This stopped the couple cold: They hadn’t thought about the “usual” tricks.
“Well,” they replied, “let’s try it out.”

Once more they called the dog, and they commanded it to “heel!”
As quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head…

They had been deceived: He was a Pentecostal...

[2Far ★]

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
Always remember you’re unique... just like everyone else!
An oral contract isn’t worth the paper its written on.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
As far as I’m concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Avoid clichés like the plague (they are old hat).
Be more or less specific.
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
Contractions aren’t necessary.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
Death to all fanatics!
Don’t be redundant by repeating yourself.
Don’t use more words than necessary – it’s highly superfluous.
Entropy just isn’t what it used to be.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Evil isn’t all bad.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
He doesn’t have much of a reputation or so I’ve heard.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life.
I disagree with unanimity.
I have a twin brother. He’s identical, but I’m not.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I’m still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Life is full of uncertainties... or I could be wrong about that?
My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
On one hand, I’m indecisive; but on the other, I’m not.
One should never generalize.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Profanity sucks.
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don’t believe in dragons.
Rehab is for quitters!
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
Some people say that I’m superficial, but that’s just on the surface.
The world’s full of apathy, but I don’t care.
There are only three kinds of people: people who can count and people who can’t.
There’s no such thing as nonexistance.
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
Who needs rhetorical questions?

[2Far ★]

Little Johnny went to visit the local police station. On the wall were pictures of men under a sign, “10 Most Wanted.”

Little Johnny asked the policeman, “Are these men mean?”

“Yes,” replied the policeman, “and we’re going to catch every one of them and put them in jail.”

Little Johnny replied, “Why didn’t you keep ’em in jail the day you took their picture?”

[maddmaxx ★]

How many teenagers does it take to change a light bulb.

 

1

They hold the bulb up and world revolves around them.

[2Far ★]

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of “tea”, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home. My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!”

Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said (as only a gramma would know), “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

[Ralphie ★]

8 hours ago, 2Far said:

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
Always remember you’re unique... just like everyone else!
An oral contract isn’t worth the paper its written on.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
As far as I’m concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Avoid clichés like the plague (they are old hat).
Be more or less specific.
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
Contractions aren’t necessary.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
Death to all fanatics!
Don’t be redundant by repeating yourself.
Don’t use more words than necessary – it’s highly superfluous.
Entropy just isn’t what it used to be.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Evil isn’t all bad.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
He doesn’t have much of a reputation or so I’ve heard.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life.
I disagree with unanimity.
I have a twin brother. He’s identical, but I’m not.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I’m still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Life is full of uncertainties... or I could be wrong about that?
My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
On one hand, I’m indecisive; but on the other, I’m not.
One should never generalize.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Profanity sucks.
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don’t believe in dragons.
Rehab is for quitters!
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
Some people say that I’m superficial, but that’s just on the surface.
The world’s full of apathy, but I don’t care.
There are only three kinds of people: people who can count and people who can’t.
There’s no such thing as nonexistance.
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
Who needs rhetorical questions?

Never say never.

Propane language really burns me up.

[2Far ★]

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

[2Far ★]

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD BIKERS never die, but they’re hard on tires
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures
OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter
OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down
OLD BRICKLAYERS never die, they’re just too busy making a kiln
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces
OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered
OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away
OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved
OLD CARD PLAYERS never die, they just lose their tricks
OLD CARS never die, they just get run into the ground
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose
OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory
OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged
OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it
OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six

OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull
OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time
OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
OLD DRYWALLERS never die, they just hang around

OLD EDITORS never die, they just go out of print
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Herz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...
OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White
OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet
OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost

OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers
OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way
OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone
OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just kick off
OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes

OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GENEALOGISTS never die, they just degenerate
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount

OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loaded
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe

OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over

OLD JOCKEYS never die, they just go horse
OLD JOE-KS never die, they just get retold by the young
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed

OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate
OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils

OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just de-light
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they’re just fooling themselves
OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MINISTERS never die - they just go out to pastor
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar

OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD NURSES never die, they just get enemated

OLD OPTOMESTRISTS never die, they just speculate
OLD OWLS never die, they just don’t give a hoot

OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
OLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip
OLD PRINTERS never die, they’re just not the type
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas

OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover

OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving
OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail
OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up

OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dinghy
OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise
OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
OLD SCIENTISTS never die, they just gravitate
OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
OLD SHOEMAKERS never die, they just lose their sole
OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick
OLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones do
OLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment away
OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in
OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
OLD SURFERS never die, they just get board
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocks
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke
OLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULL

OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding
OLD TAPE DISPENSERS never die, they just get used up
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy
OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic

OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive

OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don’t come back
OLD VINTNERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD VIOLINISTS never die, they just become unstrung
OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering
OLD WANTS never die, they become needs
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over

WALT DISNEY didn’t die, he’s in suspended animation

[Rattlecan ★]

Grandpa The Gambler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

[2Far ★]

A speaker delivered an interminably long speech and after he was done, one of his listeners worked up the courage to mention it by saying, “That was a very long speech.”

“Well,” said the speaker,” there was no clock in the room, so I couldn’t check the time I was taking.”

“Ah,” said the other, “but there was a calendar on the wall.”

[2Far ★]

Two Auburn football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game against the Tide the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _____________.”

Cam was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Cam. “Cam, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Cam. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Cam. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled  E-I-E-I-O.”

[2Far ★]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure Chief. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

[2Far ★]

Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people can’t read.

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “Female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent: “ko-kou-ko-le”, translating into “Happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan, “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation,” came out as “Pepsi Will Bring Your Ancestors Back From The Grave” in Chinese.

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan, “Finger-Lickin’ Good” came out as “Eat Your Fingers Off.”

Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “No Va” means “It Won’t Go.” After the company figured out why it was not selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “Tiny Male Genitals.” Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted “Corcel”, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its adds were supposed to say, “It Won’t Leak In Your Pocket And Embarrass You.” However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It Won’t Leak In Your Pocket And Make You Pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.” (la papa)

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

[2Far ★]

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice- neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

[2Far ★]

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

[2Far ★]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life - I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.”

[2Far ★]

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
“No way! No needles! I hate needles,” the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
“I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is  suffocating me!”

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “I’m fine with pills.”

The Dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn’t,” said the Dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.”

[2Far ★]

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the Doctors only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

“Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.”

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The Doctor said, “I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.”

The Priest said, “I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the Church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.”

Well, the Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing! “I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that.”

“I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!”

[2Far ★]

A blonde woman finds herself in dire straits. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.” Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

She again prays, “God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.” Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... “God, what’s going on here? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help... PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and she is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “At least meet me halfway on this - buy a ticket!”

[2Far ★]

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as
they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years
ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could
not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the bike shop next door to that."

[2Far ★]

An Parr8 comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, Parr8 walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

Parr8 leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

Parr8 leans in even closer & into her left ear says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

[2Far ★]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want You to knock me off this platform. I'll give You exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.' 

[2Far ★]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

[2Far ★]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man.

“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “That’s once.”

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ ”

[2Far ★]

“We have a skunk in the basement,” shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. “How can we get rid of it?”

“Take some bread crumbs,” said the dispatcher, “and put down a trail from the basement to the backyard. Then leave the cellar door open.”

A while later the homeowner called back. “Did you get rid of it?” asked the dispatcher.

“No,” replied the caller. “Now I have two skunks in there!”

[2Far ★]

A man asked his boss for a raise in salary.

The boss replied, “What do you mean? Give you a raise? You don’t work here at all.”

“Listen: there are 365 in the year - 366 this year, because it’s a Leap Year.
The working day is 8 hours - that’s one third of a day, so over the year that’s 122 days.
The office is shut on Sundays so that’s 52 off, making 70 days.
Then you have two weeks’ holiday - take off 14 days which leaves 56. br /> There are four Bank Holidays which leaves 52.
Then the office is closed on Saturdays - isn’t it?
Well, there are 52 Saturdays in the year - so you don’t do anything here at all.”

“Yet you’re asking me for a raise?”

[2Far ★]

At a Mensa convention in San Francisco several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented several ideas until finally, they came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.”

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: “Oh sorry about that.” She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Kind of reminds you of Washington D.C. or Ottawa Canada, doesn’t it?

[2Far ★]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to kiss off and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. “Okay, follow me,” he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“YES, YES, YES!” all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

“GOOD,” shouted the bat, “BECAUSE I DIDN’T!”

[2Far ★]

I lost the trivia contest at the Church social last night by one point.

The last question was: “Where do most women have curly hair?”

Apparently, the correct answer is “Africa.”

Also, I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.

[2Far ★]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth; so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”

“It’s quite okay,“ replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,“ replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you,“ cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “maybe I could feel you with my paw, and the same way you’ve helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly part of upper management.

[2Far ★]

A son asked his mother the following question, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.”

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
“Dad why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”

The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good...

[2Far ★]

Two guys are moving about in a grocery store when their carts collide. One says to the other, “Excuse me, but I’m looking for my wife.”

“What a coincidence - so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”

“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”

“She’s tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight butt. What’s your wife look like?”

“Never mind, let’s look for yours!”

[a bunch of numbers]

[2Far ★]

I got this recipe from Petite!

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher’s Low Fat)

Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken’s rear end blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done.

And you thought I couldn’t cook!

[2Far ★]

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for Church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said.
“(1) They don’t like me, and (2) I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to Church:  (1) You’re 49 years old, and (2) you’re the Pastor!”

[2Far ★]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!” Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dared to challenge the thought.

In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: “Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!”

[2Far ★]

Collie + Lhasa Apso ... Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow ... Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter ... Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund ... Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso ... Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel ... Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever ... Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound ... Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog ... Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador ... Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer ... Moot Point, owned by... oh well, it doesn’t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute ... Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier ... Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu ... Oh, never mind...