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Not so Chinese proverbs:

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass, should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Confucius says, “Man who cooks corn and peas in same pot, very unsanitary.”

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I originally heard this one as a Boudreaux joke (minus the lobster, of course)

 

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle, and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

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George Costanza's Tips For Working Hard:

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there - it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: “Ignore my last message. I took care of it”. If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’s room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g.9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

CONFIDENTIAL If you are not the intended recipient of this document, any disclosure, copying, distribution or other use is prohibited and may be illegal. Please notify sender immediately if you have received this document in error.

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The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal American immigration. The Republican presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray and live according to a conservative view of the U.S. Constitution and not Executive Orders.

Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists and green energy proponents crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose farm borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free range chicken. When I told him I didn’t have any, he angrily left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal American aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them nonetheless. He then installed 5,000 watt loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the border, but they just keep on coming.

Canadian officials are particularly concerned about American smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, promising them that they will be delivered to safe haven in Canada. They pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the batteries die. “A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though, and some kale chips, but they wouldn’t share.”

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly fearing retribution from conservatives, who will make them work instead of providing entitlements. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the 1950s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on the Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” the official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage, buying up all the hip hop CDs, and renting all of the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t absorb and support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many inept art and history majors does one country need?”

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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bubba and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed Bubba, “Can you describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

Bubba leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “That’s easy - it’s Robin Hood’s All-Purpose!”

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Here’s a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...

There’s a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there’s a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

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He opens his mouth and says, “I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses.”
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I’ve got mine shutting down right now...

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Once upon a time, there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.

After much talk about ballot recounting & court challenges, a week-long ice fishing competition between the two candidates seemed the best way to settle things. The winner would be the candidate who caught the most fish at the end of the week.

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a cold, remote lake in Maine. There were to be no observers present, and both candidates were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day, Hillary Clinton returns to the starting line with 10 fish. Soon, Donald Trump returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having a bad hair day or something and, hopefully, he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the second day, Clinton comes in with 20 fish and Trump comes in again with none. That evening, Trump’s campaign manager gets together secretly with Trump and says, “I think Clinton is a lowlife scheming cheat-her. I want you to go out tomorrow and don’t even bother with fishing. Just spy on her and see if she is cheating in any way.”

The next night (after Clinton comes back with 50 fish), the campaign manager says to Trump, “Well, what about it, is Clinton cheating’?”

“She sure is,” Trump replied. “She’s cutting holes in the ice.”

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Golf Wisdom:

If your divot continuously travels farther than your ball, consider reading as a pastime.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

Some golfers believe “overclubbing” can be corrected by “overlooking” or “undercounting”.

When using a caddie it can also be corrected by “overtipping”.

Tee your ball high - air offers less resistance than dirt.

Why is it that when you tell yourself, “don’t hit it in the water” your body only seems to hear the word “water”?

The members who command the best service at your golf club either have the lowest handicaps or the highest bar bills.

If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf... it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.

You know your golf game is improving when you start missing shots much closer than you used to.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it, shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

Golf is like marriage: if you take yourself too seriously it won’t work... and both are expensive.

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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. The cows go on strike to keep out American hormone-fed milk and launch a stampede through a McDonalds franchise at Euro-Disney. The French Cow Liberation Front hacks into the Cheddar website with images of Roquefort and WAV files declaring “Vive la France!” You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. They are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

EXTROPIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You read their DNA and figure out a way to create lean beef directly in a vat. You upload your cows. You debate endlessly on what to do with the originals cows, which are still alive and well, and are demanding bovine rights.

BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

ISRAELI CORPORATION
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Each one is worried that the other one might get a better milk output, so she keeps kicking the other one’s milk pail. All milk goes to waste. And then the farmer asks them to screw in lightbulbs, ’cause he doesn’t know how.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow that swam ashore. You can’t be certain that it is not infected with plague, so you place it in a razor-wire-fenced detention center. Another cow swims ashore but you are starting to suspect that these are not cows but rabbits, so you send it to a distant Pacific island. The number of cows (or possibly rabbits) arriving at shore drops drastically and your board gets reappointed with a bonus.

SENEGALESE CORPORATION
You have 5 cows, they’re healthy and produce x amounts of milk/month. Soon there are 10 cows, then 20, then 30. When the number reaches 40, suddenly 38 cows literally disappear. Some Senegalese breeders accuse Mauritanians. The Mauritanians say they’re innocent. Some fight starts, and someone dies. The story gets told and retold by the press. People’s fears and angers are being played with. A few hundreds Mauritanians get slaughtered in broad daylight, their shops and businesses are vandalized & burned. State of emergency is declared in Senegal. In the meantime, everybody forgets about the cows.

SWEDISH CORPORATION
You have two cows, so you demand government support for struggling small farmers. While struggling against all the other small farmers for the government support (arguing that not only is your company providing at least two jobs for cows in a rural area, but also that since they are female you are also promoting equality) you don’t have the time to get the massive EU grant for corporations with two cows.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the U.S. government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
1990’s: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. The other sues sheepherders, claiming that the immigrant Belgian Sheep are carrying Mad Cow Disease (even though no sheep have ever caught it) and that they should be detained and destroyed by a Secret Dairy Tribunal set up by the FDA.

2009: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

CANADIAN CORPORATION #1
You have two cows. Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk to the US market. The American government decides that you are taking advantage of federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps you with 25% “countervailing” duties, to protect the interests of the above-mentioned American Corporation. Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic gold. You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for the outburst and get back to milking your cows.

CANADIAN CORPORATION #2
You have two cows, but only need the milk from one. So you sell one cow to an American company, who markets its product as being “pure Canadian milk.” That American corporation prospers thanks to its “pure Canadian” marketing campaign. Meanwhile, you continue to sell the milk from your one cow at the same price in the same way. Canadian media finds out about the original “cow to America” transaction and creates a major story throughout Canada about how the big, greedy, successful American corporations prey on the ma and pa corporations North of the border. Influenced by the media, you file an unsuccessful lawsuit towards the American corporation. Upon the failure of the lawsuit, the Canadian media once again complains about the big, greedy American corporations.Three months later, you decide you don’t like the cow farming business anyhow, so you sell your remaining cow to the same American corporation that bought the first cow, and go into the ping-pong ball manufacturing business.

COWS.COM
You own two cows, so you send a business plan to 20 venture capital firms about how you can make money by giving away milk and selling ad space on the cartons. As the venture capital runs out, you issue an IPO based on your projections that your research team will develop new milking technology any day now. When your milking engineers tell you that they can’t get any more milk from a cow by working 60-hour weeks, you offer them more stock options if they’ll work 80-hour weeks solving the problem. The good engineers, who might actually have solved the problem, all work until their options vest, then retire, leaving you with junior engineers whose options all become wallpaper in another year when the company collapses and liquidates all its cows to a traditional dairy farm started by one of the old engineers.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull... you now have enough cash to buy cow shredders.

B.C. HYDRO
A Corporate Accountant has 2 cows. One he calls Capital, the other OMA (Operations, Maintenance & Admin). He doesn’t feed OMA very much, so she gets sick and almost dies. He decides to throw her a few scraps from Capital’s trough until the new fiscal. She limps along but won’t give any milk, meanwhile Capital is so full she can’t eat anymore. The accountant decides to lay off the worker that feeds OMA as it must be his fault... he saves the wages for himself. OMA dies 2 days later, so he puts Capital into service (OMA’s stall) and expects things to change now that he has a new healthy cow. He fills out the required CRA Process form and orders a new Capital cow, but the new OMA is too weak to mate... the accountant decides to reorganize and buy more bulls... that will surely produce more milk!

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Near Frankenmuth, Michigan, there’s a large German-speaking, Lutheran population.

A farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”
Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.”

The man shouted back, “I’m from Washington D.C. and I’m up here campaigning for Obama’s health care plan - I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.”

The farmer replied, “Use both hands; you’ll get more water that way.”

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Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They’re getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms-both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin - but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches cold.'

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Fractured History

[World history as told by college students - mangled moments of civilization from Term Papers and Exams...]

Along came a man named Robisieu Thermidorean who saved the people. The revolution evolved through monarchial, republican, and tolarian phases until Napolean performed a coo in 1799. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. As his power leaked away his body became a symbol. He was later troubled by Spanish gorillas, who formed a sore in his side.

Americans, of course, wanted no involvement in the French and Indian War because they did not want to fight in India. This led to the Stamp Act, where no stamps could be issued unless they bore the American mascot.

Another final straw in the camel’s pack was when Britan tried to bar colonists from crossing the Appelation Mountains. Many Colonists became convicted patriots after reading Horse Sense by the escaped Englishman Thomas Pain.

Another problem was that France was full of French people. Dickens made this point in The Tail of Two Sisters, which he required us to read.

France was in a very serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget.

Napoleon fertilized all his life. His only son died by a sphere.

Revolters demanded liberty, equality and fraternities. Fraternity breeded pride in the nation and therefore thicker political boundaries. Victims of the terror were rolled to the gilotine in tumblers, an unpleasant thing for all involved. Many of these unfortunate people became known as Emma Grays.

Tea formed a large surplice. The Boston Tea Party was held at Pearl Harbor. The Quebec Act was an Intolerable Act because it would have required Americans to learn French in school.

The American colonists lived on a continent and England was an island. Thus the Americans wanted independence.

The Americans had to mustard an army. Benjamin Franklin, already famous as inventor of the light bulb, persuaded French King George III to help the USA. The use of Haitian troups by the British violated the rites of Englishmen everywhere.

The British defeated the French from 1793 to 1815, but at gastronomic cost.

The French Revolution was like a tractor. It gave people the understanding that you need change in order to make tracks in the world. The Third Estate was locked out of its motel and had to do its business on a tennis court. This led to the Tennis Court Oath. This act of small deviance was the fuse that led to the explosion that blew up the government.

Yorktown was sight of Robert E. Lee’s greatest victory. Washington defeated the Allies at Gettysberg. He was the first and only president to be elected anonymously by the Electoral College. Thomas Jefferson was president, founder of the University of Virginia, and author of the Decoration of Independence.

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Hoping to develop his son’s character, a father once gave Little Johnny a penny and a quarter as he was leaving for Sunday School.

“Now Johnny, you put whichever one you want in the offering plate,” he said.

When Little Johnny returned, his father asked which coin he had given.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, just before they sent around the plate the preacher said, “The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,” and I knew I could give the penny a lot more cheerfully than I could give the quarter, so I gave the penny.”

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Noah’s Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, “Go forth and multiply.”

Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.
“What’s the problem?” asks Noah.
“Cut down some trees and let us live there,” say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice.

Several more weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes, and everybody is happy.
Noah says, “So tell me how the trees helped.”
“Certainly,” reply the snakes. “We’re adders, and we need logs to multiply.”

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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive."

"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

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  • 3 weeks later...

A Doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start.

Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a cais of Bud, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scrptins, an a box a choclutz.

Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, “No, Father, after ya talked about ’Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”

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Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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A good old Texas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, “Jshartt, what you gonna do with that? There ain’t no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”

He says, “I won it and I’m a gonna keep it.”

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where Jshartt is.

She says, “He’s out there in his bass boat,” pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees Jshartt sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, “What are you doing?”

Jshartt replies, “I’m fishin. What does it look like I’m a doing.”

His brother yells, “It’s people like you that give people from Texas a bad name, makin everybody think we’re stupid. If I could swim, I’d come out there and whip your ass!”

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Great examples of what not to say in a performance review

This is a list of actual performance review phrases that may make you laugh.

 

Warning: In the world of dos and don’ts of performance reviews, these are high on the don’ts list. This tells you how NOT to write a performance review.

 

1.  Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…. and has started to dig.

2.  His men would follow him anywhere… but only out of morbid curiosity.

3.  I would not allow this employee to breed. 

4.  This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be’. 

5.  Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 

6.  When she opens her mouth, it seem that it is only to change feet. 

7.  He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 

8.  This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 

9.  He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

11. This employee should go far… and the sooner he starts, the better.

12. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

13. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

14. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

15. He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.

16. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

17. He’s been working with glue too much.

18. He would argue with a signpost.

19. He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

20. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

21. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

22. If you see two people talking and one looks bored… he’s the other one.

23. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

24. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

25. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

26. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

27. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

28. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

29. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

30. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.

31. It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.

32. One neuron short of a synapse.

33. Some drank from the foundation of knowledge…he only gargled.

34. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

35. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

A lady inserted an “ad” in the classifieds: “Husband wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

A man upon his engagement, went to his father and said, “Dad! I’ve found a woman just like mother”
His father replied, “So what do you want? Sympathy?”

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A woman told her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.
“A billionaire” he replied.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other woman replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S. The rest cheat in Canada.

First guy: “My wife’s an angel.”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Getting married is very much like. going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”
I asked her, “Where’s the car?”
She replied, “In the lake.”

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

I was married by a judge. I should, have asked for a jury.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.”

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Young son: “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”

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A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, “Buk Buk BUK.”
The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.

Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!”
The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.

About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!”

The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what’s happening.

She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.

She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog kept repeating, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...”

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ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

BEELZEBUG: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

BOZONE: The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

CASHTRATION: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

CATERPALLOR: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

DECAFALON: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly (usually after a few drinks).

FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.

HIPATITIIS: Terminal coolness.

INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

KARMAGEDDON: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.

REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a Redneck.

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

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I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is exactly how politics works . . .

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  • 2 weeks later...

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, “You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.”

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, “Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?”

The American Diplomats replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.”

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  • 2 weeks later...

A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats’ milk was used.

She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.

These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your older goats?”

Wilber answered, “They send us on bus tours.”

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  • 2 weeks later...

A group of extras in the play were talking backstage at the end of the performance.

“What’s the matter with our leading lady?” one actress asked. “She seems really mad about something.”

“Oh, she’s upset because she only received nine bouquets of flowers over the footlights,” another actress replied.

“Nine!” exclaimed the first actress. “That’s pretty good, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” the other actress replied, “but she paid for 10.”

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  • 1 month later...

This is terrible:

 

Martha went to her new gynecologist for her first exam.

The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, “Oh My God!!! In all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina! … huge vagina!”

She said, “Doctor, I know it and I’m very self-conscious about it. You didn’t have to repeat yourself.”

The doctor replied, “I didn’t. It was an echo!”

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  • 2 weeks later...

A Jewish boy was sent to a Catholic school by his folks. Of course, he had no idea of who Jesus, Joseph, or Maria were, and on the first day of school, he got punished by the teacher for not knowing such basic things.

Hearing his story, his mother soothed him, and said, “Don’t worry, son. I’ll sew the answers to those questions on your collar, and every time your teacher asks you a question, all you have to do is to peek at your collar.”
And so she sewed the answers on her son’s collar.

The following day, the teacher came up to him, and asked him, “Who is the Holy Virgin?”
The boy peeked at his collar and replied, “Maria.”

The teacher seemed a little bit surprised, but continued on. “And who is her husband?”
After another peek at the collar, he replied, “Joseph.”

“Why, very good son,” the teacher commented. “And for the last one,” said the teacher, “Who is their son?”
The boy peeked again at his collar and replied confidently, “Arrow!”

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Big 12 Football Player entrance examination

 

1. What language is spoken in France? ____________________

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - give the first name of Pamela Anderson. ____________________

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (Circle the correct answer)
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Circle the correct answer)
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 Meters? __________________

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? ____________________

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) ____________________

8. What are people in America’s far north called? (Circle the correct answer)
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners

9. Spell - Bush, Carter and Clinton?
____________ ____________ ____________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from? (Circle the correct answer)
(a) Macy’s (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity? (Circle the correct answer)
(a) yes (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for? ____________________

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? ____________________

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium - OR - spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
____________________

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? ____________________

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (Circle the correct answer)
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? ____________________

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? ____________________

20. The NCAA tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (Circle the correct answer)
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting

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Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item - Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price: the $6-8 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, but there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. “There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy,” she said. “The right name is important.”

Here are suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
15. Box O’ Grapes
14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
13. White Trashfindel
12. Big Red Gulp
11. Grape Expectations
10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
9. NASCAbernet
8. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
6. Blue Light Special Nun
5. Chateau des Moines
4. Martha Stewart’s Sour Grapes
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
1. Nasti Spumante

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How to cook a turkey

 

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself o pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 16: Turk the carvey
Step 17: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 19: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

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James Bond's Telepathic Watch

 

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!”

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”

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Too much Turkey?

1. You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.

2. Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

3. Your after dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian.

4. The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12’ boat.

5. The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.

6. You get grass stains on your butt after a walk, but never sat down.

7. Your “Big Elvis Super-Belt” won’t even go around your waist.

8. You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

9. You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

10. Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

11. You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

12. A guest quotes a Biblical passage from “The Feeding of the 5000”.

13. That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

14. Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your water bed.

15. Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

16. You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.

17. It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas.

18. Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this...

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  • 2 weeks later...

[Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term exam. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was: “Name seven advantages of mother’s milk.” The student in question had also partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages. He wrote...]

1. It is a perfect formula for the child;

2. It provides immunity against several diseases;

3. It is always available as needed;

4. It is always at the right temperature;

5. It is inexpensive;

6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa ...

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote ...

7. It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.

He was the only student to get an A+ on the exam ...

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Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your rear end and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

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Bill Gates: “So, how’s heaven, Steve?”

Steve Jobs: “Great ! It just doesn’t have any wall or fence.”

Bill Gates: “So…?”

Steve Jobs: “So, we don’t need any Windows and Gates. I’m sorry, Bill, I didn’t mean to offend you.”

Bill Gates: “It’s ok Steve, but I heard a rumor.”

Steve Jobs: “Oh, what rumor?”

Bill Gates: “That nobody is allowed to touch Apple there, and there are no Jobs in heaven.”

Steve Jobs : “Oh no, definitely there are, but only no-pay Jobs. Therefore definitely no Bill in heaven as everything will be provided free

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I halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased to no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

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The British Military writes EPR’s (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people’s “206’s”….- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

  • I would not breed from this Officer.
  • This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
  • He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
  • Technically sound, but socially impossible.
  • This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
  • Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • This Officer should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
  • This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • Heart 1
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  • 2 weeks later...

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop;
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of ‘Black November’...

“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;
Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ’n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink.”

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat;
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and grapes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap.

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, “Christmas is coming!”

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Too much turkey?

1. You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.

2. Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

3. Your after dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian.

4. The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12’ boat.

5. The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.

6. You get grass stains on your butt after a walk, but never sat down.

7. Your “Big Elvis Super-Belt” won’t even go around your waist.

8. You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

9. You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

10. Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

11. You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

12. A guest quotes a Biblical passage from “The Feeding of the 5000”.

13. That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

14. Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your water bed.

15. Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

16. You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.

17. It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas.

18. Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this...

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Turkey Weather Forecast

Big thaw in turkey sales predicted for holiday season

 

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190°F.

The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates.

Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.

During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34°F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.

Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.

We expect a warming trend where soup develops.

By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

 

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