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2Far

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Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon it died completely and they found themselves stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pickup truck pulled over to help. The driver was an attractive middle-aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.

In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her nearby ranch. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.

The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.

Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely farm where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this farm for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.

Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.

Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.

In the morning the widow made them an enormous breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come collect their car.

When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later. Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.

About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.

"Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?"

"Yes, Ted. I remember that."

"And, Bob, do you remember that very kindly widow that took us in for the night?"

"Well of course I remember her, Ted."

"Well, Bob, I have to ask you something."

"Okay, Ted."

"Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?"

Yes, Ted, I did."

"And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?"

"I did Ted."

"Did you and the widow make love, Bob?"

"Yes, we did, Ted."

"Now, Bob, this is very important. Did you by any chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?"

"I did, Ted. I'm so ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry, Ted...."

"Oh, that's okay, Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."

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Heard from an Irish Comedian on a Greek Cruise with a Filipino crew:

Two guys are sitting at a bar.  One looks at the other and asks, "Where are you from?"

The other answers, "Dublin, Ireland." The first says, "Amazing!, I'm also from Dublin! Let's drink to Dublin. So they did.

The other asks the first, "Where in Dublin did you live?"

The first answers, "On 6th Street."  The other says, "Incredible. I also lived on 6th Street. Let's drink to 6th Street, Dublin, Ireland." So they did.

The first asks, "Where on 6th Street did you live?"

The other answers, "At 123 6th Street."  The first says, "Unbelievable! I also lived there! Lets's drink to 123 6th Street, Dublin, Ireland.  So they did and both men passed out.

The bar owner walked in and asked the bartender, "Many customers today?"

The bartender answered, "Just the Sullivan twins."

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A British salesman working in Australia took a wrong turn into the Outback and before he knew it his engine blocked had cracked.

He got out of the car into the heat and decided he better take a guess as to the nearest town and start walking.

He walked and walked until he could stand no more and then crawled and crawled. Just as he was about to give up, his head ran into something.

He looked up to see a sign post that read, "Welcome to the town of Mercy."

Looking into the distance, he saw some houses, crawled up to the first one and knocked on the door. A big woman answered and the salesman forced out the words, "Water! Water!"

The woman replied, "I'm sorry, we don't have any water but we do have tea."

"Tea! Tea!" he begged.

The woman dragged the man in and onto a chair and gave him lots of tea.

When the salesman had recovered, he said, "I'm British and we Brits know good tea. But without a doubt this is the greatest tea I've ever tasted! If you'd tell me where you get it I'd be forever grateful!"

The woman explained, "Here, in the town of Mercy, there is no natural water supply and we have to rely on collecting rain in barrels to survive.  The rainwater here doesn't taste very good and people were beginning to move away.  Then, by chance, our pet Koala Bear fell into a barrel of rainwater, swam around a while, and somehow flavored it wonderfully.  Ever since, every time it rains, we throw our Koala Bear in the barrel and call it tea!"

The Brit said, "That is surely a strange way to make tea, but it tastes fantastic!  The only problem is that it's a little bit lumpy.

"Well, you must understand," the woman replied, "The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"

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If you don't get the joke, Google "The Merchant of Venice, Act IV, Scene I" and read the famous first line.

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  • 2 months later...

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas--now at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife, and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

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A brunette, a red-head, and a @petitepedalwere in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."

So they climbed up the ladder and then Petite threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"

The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"

So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one, and Petite got in the third one.

Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the Sergeant ordered them to kick the baskets.

So one cop kicked the first basket: "RUFF."

"It's just a damn dog!" he yelled.

Another cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."

"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.

Another cop kicked the third basket and Petite shouted, "POTATOES!"

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My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Daughter: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Daughter: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Daughter: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

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Deep in backwoods country, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

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A senior citizen is driving on the highway.

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

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A doctor tells a group of patients: "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all."

"Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

@Randomguy raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."

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Several men are in the locker room at a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and looked at the new 2017 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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2 minutes ago, 2Far said:

A senior citizen is driving on the highway.

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

2 Far is coming through in the clutch!

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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis ... does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son ... the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they also go up?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.

The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.

John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.

John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...

John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood.

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Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says "Mmmm, that was some good lion." The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.

But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. The dog begins to run but has another idea, "Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion hours ago!"

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Two boys, John and Tommy, walk into a candy story. While in the store John steals 4 candy bars and puts them in his pocket. When the boys leave John brags, "I stole 4 candy bars, beat that!"

Tommy says "No problem, just follow me." They go back into the store and Tommy approaches one of the shopkeepers.

He asks the shopkeeper, "Would you like to see some magic sir?" The man says yes and Tommy immediately opens 4 candy bars and eats them as fast as he can.

The shopkeeper, who is now angry, asks "Where is the magic?"

Tommy replies "The candy bars are now in my friend's pockets."

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Two men go on a fishing trip. They rent everything they need for the trip including the cabin.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch anything. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home one of them turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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Two blondes are deer hunting and one scores a huge buck. So they dress it out, then begin dragging it out of the woods, each pulling on a hind leg.

The game warden happens along and tells them he needs to check the tag for the deer. After seeing that everything is in order, he says, "Ya know, I don't mean to tell you your business, but it's a lot easier to drag a buck by the antlers."

"Oh wow," says one of the blondes. "I don't know why we didn't think of that." So they switch ends of the deer and each takes one side of the rack and begins pulling.

About a half hour later, one blonde says to the other, "You know, dragging this buck by the antlers sure is easier."

The other replies, "Yeah, I'd agree. But we're getting farther and farther from the truck!"

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Facts of Life

1. You can't wash yours eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breath through your nose with your tongue out.
4. You just tried # 3.
6. When you did 3 you realized it was possible, but you looked like a dog when you did it.
7. You're smiling right now because you were fooled.
8. You skipped # 5.
9. You just checked to see if there was a 5.

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A pharmacist goes out for lunch and when he comes back he finds a man sitting on the floor twitching. He asks his assistant, "What exactly is going on?"

His assistant replies, "This man came in looking for cough syrup."

The pharmacist replies, "Well, what'd you give him?"

The assistant replies, "Laxatives." The pharmacist asks why so and the assistant replies, "He doesn't want to cough anymore..."

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An old man lies on his deathbed as he holds his wife's hand, "Dear, these are my last moments. Please be honest with me. Our 5th boy, Donald, looks very different from all of the others. He has a different dad from the others, doesn't he."

Weeping, his wife cries out, "Yes! I'm sorry sorry!"

The man replies, "Who? Who is the father?"

The wife looks back at him deeply and says, "It's you..."

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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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