My fiance/boyfriend of four years broke up with me.

[Redfacedwalrus]

Help me, guys.  Share your wisdom on what I should dooooooo. We still love eachother but he doesn't think we're right for eachother in regards to being parents and starting a family. We live together and it's weird now. 

[Page Turner]

...for starters, you need to get out of that place you share. Trust me on this one.

[Redfacedwalrus]

1 minute ago, Page Turner said:

...for starters, you need to get out of that place you share. Trust me on this one.

I know I am sounding innocent and naive here, and I know it usually doesn't work out, but can't we try to be friends?

Also shouldn't I make it a priority to finish out my lease in my apartment?

Thanks for responding Page-o. 

[AirwickWithCheese]

A trip tp Greenville can mend a broken heart.   

But I'm truly sorry. He must be an idiot.   

[Redfacedwalrus]

2 minutes ago, Lydia Cheesewaithe said:

A trip tp Greenville can mend a broken heart.   

But I'm truly sorry. He must be an idiot.   

I think I know what you're alluding to, but that place doesn't work for me. 

And thank you. I think he's the opposite of an idiot. As far as I am aware, he is doing this to save both of us trouble down the line. He's very future sighted and doesn't want to be stuck in a marriage with kids with a wife who doesn't share the same values.

[Page Turner]

1 minute ago, Redfacedwalrus said:

I know I am sounding innocent and naive here, and I know it usually doesn't work out, but can't we try to be friends?

Also shouldn't I make it a priority to finish out my lease in my apartment?

Thanks for responding Page-o. 

... @Lydia Cheesewaithe will be along shortly to advise you to visit him in South Carolina, but in the meantime:

You are too emotionally involved with your 4 year old boyfriend in patterns you do not recognize to ever be able to put yourself back together and go on with your life without him if you are still living in the same house with him.  All you will succeed in doing is in making yourself more unhappy with the situation, looking desperate to him to reconnect, and cheating yourself out of a clean break and moving forward.  There are plenty of other people with whom you cn be happy, but meanwhile, tempus fugit.

[petitepedal ★]

Who's name is on the lease?  Both? or just you..if just you kick his azz out and get a roomie asap.. take the cure..avoid relationships for at least a few weeks...

[Page Turner]

 

3 minutes ago, Lydia Cheesewaithe said:

A trip tp Greenville can mend a broken heart.   

But I'm truly sorry. He must be an idiot.   

 

Just now, Page Turner said:

... @Lydia Cheesewaithe will be along shortly to advise you to visit him in South Carolina, but in the meantime:

 

...for my next trick, I shall attempt to mend this broken heart.

[Redfacedwalrus]

Just now, petitepedal said:

Who's name is on the lease?  Both? or just you..if just you kick his azz out and get a roomie asap.. take the cure..avoid relationships for at least a few weeks...

It's both of us. I'm listed as a roommate, if that makes any difference? The lease ends in August, which is a long way away...

[Further]

How many bedrooms ?

1 minute ago, Page Turner said:

... @Lydia Cheesewaithe will be along shortly to advise you to visit him in South Carolina, but in the meantime:

You are too emotionally involved with your 4 year old boyfriend in patterns you do not recognize to ever be able to put yourself back together and go on with your life without him if you are still living in the same house with him.  All you will succeed in doing is in making yourself more unhappy with the situation, looking desperate to him to reconnect, and cheating yourself out of a clean break and moving forward.  There are plenty of other people with whom you cn be happy, but meanwhile, tempus fugit.

Sum Bitch got some insight

[Longjohn ★]

Wait? The Square Guy is charging your rent on his basement? Does your boyfriend pay part of the rent?

[AirwickWithCheese]

I was just trying to make you smile because we care.  I hate you're going through this but agree better now than later. Big hug.   Page mostly gave the best advice.  

[Page Turner]

2 minutes ago, Further said:

 

Sum Bitch got some insight

...it's probably all I got out of two divorces.

[Redfacedwalrus]

Just now, Longjohn said:

Wait? The Square Guy is charging your rent on his basement? Does your boyfriend pay part of the rent?

...I tried to think of something funny and witty to say, but I'm not my normal self right now.

2 minutes ago, Further said:

How many bedrooms ?

Two. Buuuuut I'm sleeping in the same bed as him, still, because I don't think I can sleep separately after so long. At least not for a while. Bah, I know I'm only making it worse for myself but it's so hard to not do it. 

[Dirtyhip]

9 minutes ago, Redfacedwalrus said:

I know I am sounding innocent and naive here, and I know it usually doesn't work out, but can't we try to be friends?

Also shouldn't I make it a priority to finish out my lease in my apartment?

Thanks for responding Page-o. 

Move out.  Trust me.  This sitch will not work out, if you used to hook up.

Maybe you can be "friendly", but friends...nope.

He is obviously is a very stupid to lose you.  You don't need a dummy in your life.  Move on, Girlfriend.  

Go get a massage to heal your soul, listen to your favorite songs and enjoy being your own rad self.  

[Page Turner]

...learning to sleep alone after such a long time cohabiting is hard. But it builds character.

My second time divorcing, I just drank a lot, so going to sleep was pretty easy, if unhealthy.  It helps to maintain if you up your exercise.

[petitepedal ★]

DH is right ..get your azz out of there...and out of that bed...Come on put your big girl panties on and do it!!!!!

[Further]

6 minutes ago, Redfacedwalrus said:

...I tried to think of something funny and witty to say, but I'm not my normal self right now.

Two. Buuuuut I'm sleeping in the same bed as him, still, because I don't think I can sleep separately after so long. At least not for a while. Bah, I know I'm only making it worse for myself but it's so hard to not do it. 

Cocker Spaniels are loving and just demanding enough to occupy your mind. 

[Redfacedwalrus]

3 minutes ago, Further said:

Cocker Spaniels are loving and just demanding enough to occupy your mind. 

 

9 minutes ago, petitepedal said:

DH is right ..get your azz out of there...and out of that bed...Come on put your big girl panties on and do it!!!!!

I think I'd be more ready to move out if my last lease wasn't broken for the same reason. If I broke my lease again I'd have a terrible track record and it would make finding an apartment that much harder. That, and I can hardly afford living independently as it is. I'm not sure I could manage paying for my own apartment, let alone afford a pet (even though I really want a dog). 

Thank you everyone for your advice, it truly means the world to me. I'm so touched that you all care about this far away stranger. I might cry if I had any tears left.

[Dirtyhip]

3 minutes ago, Redfacedwalrus said:

 

I think I'd be more ready to move out if my last lease wasn't broken for the same reason. If I broke my lease again I'd have a terrible track record and it would make finding an apartment that much harder. That, and I can hardly afford living independently as it is. I'm not sure I could manage paying for my own apartment, let alone afford a pet (even though I really want a dog). 

Thank you everyone for your advice, it truly means the world to me. I'm so touched that you all care about this far away stranger. I might cry if I had any tears left.

Do you have a friend that you could rent a room from?  Family for a while?  

The pet can come later, after you heal yourself and are ready for an enormous new responsibility.  

Don't waste tears on a dum dum.  Your energy is more valuable being used for self care. 

[Page Turner]

 

...Now for you and me it may not be that hard to reach our dreams
But that magic feeling never seems to last
And while the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past
I'm just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at love's pain and heartache school
Where if you feel too free and you need something to remind you
There's this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool...

[Page Turner]

47 minutes ago, Redfacedwalrus said:

 

I think I'd be more ready to move out if my last lease wasn't broken for the same reason. If I broke my lease again I'd have a terrible track record and it would make finding an apartment that much harder. That, and I can hardly afford living independently as it is. I'm not sure I could manage paying for my own apartment, let alone afford a pet (even though I really want a dog). 

 

...look around for big old houses shared by hippies, with each in his or her own room. Sometimes they're run as co-ops or communal living.

There are always some, even in fucking Oklahoma there must be some hippies.  Hippies are like horse shit, they're everywhere.

[Page Turner]

 

...Looking hard into your eyes
There was nobody I'd ever known
Such an empty surprise to feel so alone

Now for me some words come easy
But I know that they don't mean that much
Compared with the things that are said when lovers touch
You never knew what I loved in you
I don't know what you loved in me
Maybe the picture of somebody you were hoping I might be

Awake again I can't pretend and I know I'm alone
And close to the end of the feeling we've known...

[Page Turner]

...all the great break up songs I know come from back in the 70's. 

I think we did a lot of breaking up back in the 1970's. 

[Square Wheels]

Broken hearts really hurt, very sorry to hear this. 

Come live here, we have extra bedrooms.

[roadiejorge]

In relationships I learned early on that it's important to always be honest with yourself about it's true status. So often we dance around issues we know are going to be bigger ones later, but our fear of being alone, or not finding someone else etc. keeps us tethered to situations that are going nowhere. If the person you're with doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, then there's no sense changing their mind; more often than not you're just prolonging the inevitable. 

As for remaining friends, well that only works if both of you understand that it's over; at least that's how it's worked for me. If you're at peace with the end of the relationship, then there's no baggage to make it feel strange; it's when there's embers of unrequited love that friendship is hard. If it's time to move on then let the past go and forge forward; remember that the end of this relationship means you will be open to potentially experience something better. Good luck!

oh, and this song always helped during a breakup where I wasn't quite ready for it to be over...

 

[Redfacedwalrus]

21 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

Broken hearts really hurt, very sorry to hear this. 

Come live here, we have extra bedrooms.

Thanks SW, and I might take you up on that (if you're serious :)). I think I want to live close to my work. I still love my job, and as far as I know, I still have it, so there's that.

26 minutes ago, Page Turner said:

...all the great break up songs I know come from back in the 70's. 

I think we did a lot of breaking up back in the 1970's. 

Thank you for all the songs, I've listened to them each twice now. 

[Page Turner]

2 minutes ago, Redfacedwalrus said:

Thank you for all the songs, I've listened to them each twice now. 

That whole album, Late For the Sky, got a lot of play back when I was in and out of relationships. 

I'm listening to it right now, kinda overwhelmed by nostalgia and memories of old lovers from another time.

 

 

[Page Turner]

 

...Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

 

Keep a fire for the human race
And let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down

Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily, it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found
Don't let the uncertainty turn you around
Go on and make a joyful sound

 

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive but you'll never know...

[AirwickWithCheese]

2 hours ago, Lydia Cheesewaithe said:

A trip tp Greenville can mend a broken heart.   

But I'm truly sorry. He must be an idiot.   

 

47 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

Broken hearts really hurt, very sorry to hear this. 

Come live here, we have extra bedrooms.

 

2 hours ago, Redfacedwalrus said:

I think I know what you're alluding to, but that place doesn't work for me. 

 

RWF, you do know I was only saying the same thing? You'd end up staying with MomCheese to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. Wheels gets a thank you but I get accused of being a cad and old man Page Turner is the one serenading you with 1970s love songs.    

[Ralphie ★]

I am sorry, RFW.  Shirley sucks short term but it might be for the best long term.  I recommend lots of bicycle therapy, since I think it is my duty as a member of this ostensible biking forum, plus I think it is a damn good idea!

[Redfacedwalrus]

3 minutes ago, Lydia Cheesewaithe said:

 

 

RWF, you do know I was only saying the same thing? You'd end up staying with MomCheese to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. Wheels gets a thank you but I get accused of being a cad and old man Page Turner is the one serenading you with 1970s love songs.    

It's not my fault you speak in tongues! Thank you, too, Cheese. ❤️

[AirwickWithCheese]

5 minutes ago, Redfacedwalrus said:

It's not my fault you speak in tongues! Thank you, too, Cheese. ❤️

It's more than ok, I just wanted you to know I wasn't being flippant with your situation. 

May I find you a song that represents how he'll be feeling in less than two weeks? 

[Ralphie ★]

Here is my contribution to the song portion of this thread.  I am surprised this came up instead of the Cheese Gees!

 

[jsharr ★]

First, I am sorry you are hurting.   Not sure I have much to add.  You can't force love and as you have already said, it is better to hurt a little now than a lot later. 

Do you have mutual friends that might be able to arrange some sort of roommate swap?  One of you moves out, one of them moves in?

He made the decision to break up, put the onus on him to resolve the living situation.  He can move out and pay his part of the rent.

Seek the advice of your friends.

[Ralphie ★]

This version is better.   Live is always better.

 

[Ralphie ★]

2 minutes ago, jsharr said:

First, I am sorry you are hurting.   Not sure I have much to add.  You can't force love and as you have already said, it is better to hurt a little now than a lot later. 

Do you have mutual friends that might be able to arrange some sort of roommate swap?  One of you moves out, one of them moves in?

He made the decision to break up, put the onus on him to resolve the living situation.  He can move out and pay his part of the rent.

Seek the advice of your friends.

Really weird how the best solution might actually be Wheel's basement. Although now that spring is springing the greenhouse would be better.

 

[AirwickWithCheese]

RFW in 2, 3 weeks tops.  

The guy for the next 35 years.   

Don't ask me how I know.   

[Ralphie ★]

 

[jsharr ★]

 

[Page Turner]

2 hours ago, Lydia Cheesewaithe said:

...old man Page Turner is the one serenading you with 1970s love songs.    

...in truth, they are 1970's breakup songs. Also they are hippie breakup songs, so that's probably why you are unfamiliar with the genre.

You could try posting up some Lynyrd Skynyrd songs, if you think any are appropriate.  Honestly, though, I can't think of any.

 

Free Bird just does not cut it in this situation.

[Page Turner]

...let me know if you want to visit California.  We have legal pot here now, so everything looks funnier.  

And it is a spectacular Spring here, with all the late rain.  (Don't tell the people who are still getting snow please. That would be mean. )

[Zealot]

My mom told me long ago, "When the horse is dead, get off."

RFW, the way I see it is like this, if he's expressing his desire to be out of the relationship and he's not taken vows to remain with you, then let him go. He isn't obligated to stay, but neither are you. And that's the simple beauty of it - you, even though you are hurting now - can move on to better and brighter things and find someone (if you decide that's what you want) who shares your desires and values, etc. 

I'm old school. If they can't put a ring on it, walk away. 

I am sorry you are hurting. But it won't always look so bleak.

[Wilbur ★]

I am very sorry to hear this RFW.

Obviously, he has had doubts as to future compatibility for some time.  At least long enough to make a difficult decision.

The shock will wear off and replaced by less than desirable feelings.  There is no such a thing as post relationship friends.

You can’t move on until you move out. Financial sacrifices are only tough temporarily.  You can do this.

[maddmaxx ★]

Advice is cheap but mine would be to listen to Page's.  One of the things about having been in the service is that one lives in close proximity to a lot more people than the average person. Because of this one's collection of tales of woe, love, breakups and disasters is pretty damn extensive.  It takes the form of a whole spootful of life experience in a relatively short time beyond one's own personal set.  Situations like yours rarely end well.  If you thought this guy was going to be with you forever.....he's not.  If you think the situation will rectify itself.........it won't.  Oh, it may seem to but it will revert again and again.  The seeds for that are already sown.

If you think about your rational for staying then listen to the stories of abused women.  They tend to have the same reasons.  Involved is always the hope that if one just tries a bit harder the situation will get better.  I'm hoping you have lots of friends outside of this relationship.  It's time to start hanging out with them and rebuilding a life of your own.  Move to the other bedroom immediately and make it clear that the friendship no longer comes with benefits.

Take care of yourself and keep looking for other ways out.  Try to stash some money in a safe place (please tell me you have individual finances) because your current friend could head out for parts unknown anytime and leave you stuck with the whole apartment till you find a roommate.  If you have any family within commuting distance of your job they may be able to help you out for a couple of months.

Good luck.  Fingers crossed. Hard as it is to believe, you're young and you will survive.

 

[TrentonMakes]

I'm sorry, RFW. I am sure the sun will shine for you soon.

[KrAzY]

A separation might be in order. Since I do not know the full situation, that would be my suggestion. 

Time apart will show it's true feeling you have for each other. 

Bounce out of the crib y'all share, stay away from the local Hangouts y'all go to. And don't keep thinking of him for now. It will be hard, but you never know, it might not be ment to be, but if it is.. he will keep in contact and work on getting you back.

[Square Wheels]

6 hours ago, Page Turner said:

You could try posting up some Lynyrd Skynyrd songs, if you think any are appropriate.  Honestly, though, I can't think of any.

 

[AirwickWithCheese]

^ Naturally I thought of it but exercised common sense and restraint.   

[onbike1939]

Page offers some good advice and it does seem based on experience. You may think at this time that the world is ending but that is far from the truth as I'm sure that you will find someone and love again. I have a friend who at seventy is marrying for the fourth time and I wrote for him a celebratory poem. I hope it may give you some comfort in this difficult time.

A Modest Wish

I do not wish you unbroken unhappiness

for that would offend the Gods

yet good will still demands a voice

so let it ask for this.....

may you find completeness in your sharing

so that in giving up some part of you

each to the other and gladly given

both become much more than before

 

In this endeavour there is much quiet courage...

hearts exchanged in trust so absolute may bruise easily

yet it is done...proof that still the human spirit rises

indomitable....undefeated....and demanding of respect.