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My fiance/boyfriend of four years broke up with me.


Redfacedwalrus

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11 hours ago, Redfacedwalrus said:

My fiance/boyfriend of four years broke up with me.

Not that it actually makes things easier, but there is a definite distinction between "fiance" and "boyfriend".  Are/were you actually engaged - ie a marriage proposal, acceptance, ring on finger, date set in the near future sort of thing - or are you, like many of us did, "trying out the whole committed couple" thing?

My general feeling on relationships is to not be in one if both sides don't choose to be there. It is better to find a clean way to break up rather than spend a huge chunk of time and emotional energy getting to the same place (apart) many years later. :(

It sucks, but it also means you get a chance to meet new people, grow in your wisdom, and bring more to the next relationship.

Tom

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...since this thread has naturally evolved into thoughts on love and relationships, here is the one love poem I wish I had written.

It is by Hayden Carruth and was published in his book, From Snow and Rock, from Chaos: Poems 1965-1972.

 

I could take
two leaves
and give you one.
Would that not be
a kind of perfection?

But I prefer
one leaf
torn to give you half
showing

(after these years, simply)
love’s complexity in an act,
the tearing and
the unique edges —
one leaf (one word) from the two
imperfections that match.

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I am sorry you are hurting.  Things like this are never easy.  It hurts now, but in the long run it's for the best. Better to find out any issues now than years from now (especially if kids will be involved later).   You deserve someone who is thrilled to be with you and wants to be with you forever.   As long as you're sort of hanging around this guy and emotionally invested in him, you'll never start and continue a relationship with a new person.  Change is never easy, and change in these circumstances is unusually hard, but hanging onto something that isn't working for one of the parties is even worse.

Never be with someone who thinks they're doing you a favor - you're too special and valuable for that. :console:

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11 minutes ago, Airehead said:

Major change is always difficult.  I'm not good at it.  You should take the advice of @Kirby.  How much longer on your lease?  You will find out if you can really be friends only if you put some distance between you to figure it out.

@Airehead and @Kirby are always good at giving advice. 

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Ok, real advice.  Somebody moves out by the end of the month, definitely better that way.  Staying together would only make sense if you weren’t going to have kids. 

Best to cut things off early, since he wants to raise the kids in the traditional Amish way and you don’t.  

It is true what I said earlier, after you go on a few dates, you will at least get your footing.   Don’t stress if you can help it, this just has to play out over time.   Go get a steak and a beer (wine is horrendous for misery-abatement) and just realize that this is just a flash in time and it will seem alright as the months go by. 

You should go live with Cheese, too.  You have already lived in SW’s basement anyway. 

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10 minutes ago, Randomguy said:

.   Go get a steak and a beer (wine is horrendous for misery-abatement) and just realize that this is just a flash in time and it will seem alright as the months go by. 

You should go live with Cheese, too.  You have already lived in SW’s basement anyway. 

If you aren't laughing at RG's suggestions, then you need to seriously consider your life priorities.  

Look after yourself first. Your ex-bf doesn't care at the heart of all this.

RG, I would go for lovely salmon steak and white wine.. :)

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48 minutes ago, Zephyr said:

Sorry RFW, if this us not what you want to hear, but you need to get out.  

My son went through this a little while ago, and they were still "friends" and we're still living together.  They had a lease, all the same reasons you stated.  

To make a long story short, it got worse and worse, things were expected, expectations were disappointed, things were said and it ended up being much worse than if they had of just walked away.

Also, remember that while you are toiling along with someone you have no future with, you might be out and seated beside some "random guy" (see what I did there?) and miss a Mr Right because you were too busy hanging on to Mr. Not as Right.

Move on.  It'll hurt for a while, but in the long run you will be better off with a clean break.

What he is saying is that he thinks I am right for you, but I am promised to  Chris’s daughter.  One of them, anyway. 

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Well I agree with all who said that moving out is the right thing to do.  Also, I don't really believe much in friendships between men and women and especially if it follows a romantic relationship.  

Having said that, if I were the dude in this relationship, and I wanted to break it off 4 or 5 months before the apartment lease expired, I'd certainly expect to pick up the full payment from this day forward.  If he isn't on terms with that, then he is a douche bag.  At least in my book.  

Good luck, lady.  It'll get better.  The worst part is that it'll harden your heart.  Or maybe that's good.  What do I know?

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3 hours ago, Goat Geddah said:

If he isn't on terms with that, then he is a douche bag.

We certainly don't know enough to say that at all.  Maybe she was pressuring him or keeps dropping 'hints' or somesuch, and the breakup was the resulting pushback that she forced.  Maybe they live in a hyperexpensive city or neighborhood and cannot afford the place on one income.  Maybe he is a student, or paying crippling debt, or owes money to the mob or drug dealer.  Tidy timelines don't often happen when emotions collide.  We can't say who is a douchebag here, maybe both are, maybe neither of them are.  I don't see anywhere near enough detail here to assign any kind of responsibility for things.

 

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4 hours ago, shootingstar said:

RG, I would go for lovely salmon steak and white wine..

No, wine is bad for this, as is salmon.  Wine only reinforces the notion that she is unable to understand the unfathomable nature of men, when beer would add clarity and reveal that, like all women, she is overanalyzing things when the simplest path is the correct one.  Chicks always add complexity and pretense where none is needed, and men are simple creatures if you listen to direct answers we give.

And salmon?  Geez.  Steak is the ultimate reset food, nothing says 'fuck it' like having a good steak and a beer.  And maybe onion rings.

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27 minutes ago, Randomguy said:

No, wine is bad for this, as is salmon.  Wine only reinforces the notion that she is unable to understand the unfathomable nature of men, when beer would add clarity and reveal that, like all women, she is overanalyzing things when the simplest path is the correct one.  Chicks always add complexity and pretense where none is needed, and men are simple creatures if you listen to direct answers we give.

And salmon?  Geez.  Steak is the ultimate reset food, nothing says 'fuck it' like having a good steak and a beer.  And maybe onion rings.

A lot of steak gives me slight indigestion. Hence, sockeye salmon is best.  

My partner doesn't even like beer....and he has German roots!  

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1 hour ago, shootingstar said:

Troll or person is figuring out life. Pretty strange that's all the person came here for if they are really in dumps over partner.

She was a fun and active albeit short term technical administrator here.  Fun kid and I wish her well with this.  Relationships can cause problems and maybe some that can't really be discussed on a discussion board. 

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