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You all should go back in time and not get married


Randomguy

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Both of my marriages have been very special. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if the cancer didn't steal away the first one. That was love young and a bit reckless. Mr. Aire is a more mature relationship full of friendship. 

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i don't think there is one right choice.  People are different and what they want out of life is going to be different as well.  At least as far as I could tell, my parents had 62 years of a wonderful marriage.  I still recall once when I was flying in for a visit and my flights were delayed.  I finally landed past midnight, over 4 hours late.  This was before the days of instant information, and my parents had only found out my flight was delayed once they got to the airport.  So after they'd both been working all day, they spent hours sitting at the airport waiting for me.  I was very apologetic when the flight finally landed, and I still recall my Dad smiling and saying happily that it was no problem because they always had a good time just being together. That story always stuck with me because it wasn't about anything grand or dramatic, just joy in their every day life.  A good marriage can be wonderful, but a marriage to the wrong person or for the wrong reasons can be awful.

My one sister is a really good Mom and having kids has really enriched her life, but I can't imagine my other sister ever having kids.  I think they each found their right path.

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4 hours ago, Randomguy said:

Well, it sounds like you chose well and got lucky on top of it, as a number of people here have.

Most parents suck at parenting, and most people suck at being good spouses.  Misery is misery, and half of all marriages end in divorce and a great many that don't divorce just live a life of quiet desperation.  I would be willing to bet that a fair percentage of people you think have happy marriages, simply don't.  The ones that don't have happy marriages probably put up a good front, and have just resigned themselves to riding it out until they die.  So in other words, it ain't pessimism, it is reality.   I think it takes a thinking, aware person to know what is and what isn't for them, as so many people do things for the wrong reasons.

If 10% of marriages are truly happy, then I would be surprised, knowing what I know about people and what is observable.  You don't have to be pessimistic about your own marriage, but you should realize that the odds are long for most others.  

Jeeze dude, sorry you have such a dim view of marriage.  Any relationship has its up and downs, some make it and some don't.  Some people fake happiness in their marriage and some dont. I think you have a pretty fair representation of this in these here forums.

But to suggest we all fucked up by getting married and if we could have a do over we should not have done so is just plain stupid talk. 

 

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1 hour ago, ChrisL said:

Jeeze dude, sorry you have such a dim view of marriage.  Any relationship has its up and downs, some make it and some don't.  Some people fake happiness in their marriage and some dont. I think you have a pretty fair representation of this in these here forums.

But to suggest we all fucked up by getting married and if we could have a do over we should not have done so is just plain stupid talk. 

 

Well, we ARE all fucked up. 

Even AWWC. 

Couch 

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I wouldn't change it.  Marriage was good.  Did my part in creating 5 new human beings.   Pretty sure they all think my marriage was a good idea, too. 

While we were young, we were mature about it.  I remember a couple of conversations in particular where we talked about how we viewed living life.  In hindsight, without really consciously realizing it, we were sizing each other up for compatibility in marriage. 

I have a feeling that a lot of failed or miserable marriages began without each other knowing how the other truly felt about important things like raising kids, number of kids, religion, politics, careers,...

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17 minutes ago, Goat Geddah said:

I wouldn't change it.  Marriage was good.  Did my part in creating 5 new human beings.   Pretty sure they all think my marriage was a good idea, too. 

While we were young, we were mature about it.  I remember a couple of conversations in particular where we talked about how we viewed living life.  In hindsight, without really consciously realizing it, we were sizing each other up for compatibility in marriage. 

I have a feeling that a lot of failed or miserable marriages began without each other knowing how the other truly felt about important things like raising kids, number of kids, religion, politics, careers,...

OR not finding a way to deal with change, when spouse has taken a different radical change...go back to school, embark on a different career which affects home life and how children should be raised/sharing that responsibility daily.  Dealing with serious difficulties may take several years of work in a couple.

My partner and I have lived in 2 separate provinces plus also living together in same city for several years at different times.  The foundation of any marriage, intimate relationship is fidelity, respect, trust, reliability for each other, genuine delight and desire to share thoughts, experiences daily where couple is learning from one another.  No doubt, some marriages just couldn't survive long distance even if there aren't any children.  I actually think this is happening more often than we realize because both men and women have careers/jobs to maintain the family budget.

Once on a flight from Vancouver to Calgary, a guy who worked as a large truck vehicle driver related to oil industry sat beside me.  HIs wife and 2 kids lived in Newfoundland...over 5,000 km. east.  He told me his wife wanted a divorce by phone.  I was amazed he told me but he just found out earlier that wk.  I was probably the lst person he told.  Not surprisingly he was in minor shock since his salary provided them a lovely new home, etc.

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On 4/20/2018 at 5:56 PM, Randomguy said:

Most parents suck at parenting, and most people suck at being good spouses.  Misery is misery,

This is the kind of pessimism I'm referring to, not people making choices to not marry or not have kids.  I have some very close friends and family who have also made that decision and are quite happy - because it was right for them.  If anyone read it that way and took offense, I heartily apologize!

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2 minutes ago, Reverend_Maynard said:

I personally don't understand why people choose to get married.  The whole thing is a big lie.  They are all standing up there saying "Til death due us part" when what they really mean is "Til I don't feel like it anymore."

It's only the liars and the cheaters that don't take their marriage vows seriously. 

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1 minute ago, Reverend_Maynard said:

I don't think so.  I think most see divorce as being as acceptable as marriage, and as a normal part of someone's expected life experience.

If they feel that way why don't they write their own vows instead of promising one thing and then backing out? You don't have to agree to "till death do us part" but anyone that does should stand behind it.

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1 minute ago, Longjohn said:

If they feel that way why don't they write their own vows instead of promising one thing and then backing out? You don't have to agree to "till death do us part" but anyone that does should stand behind it.

You're asking me?  I already said I don't understand it.

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24 minutes ago, Reverend_Maynard said:

I don't think so.  I think most see divorce as being as acceptable as marriage, and as a normal part of someone's expected life experience.

Most?  I think a lot of people who get divorced really do mean til death when they say it.

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1 hour ago, Reverend_Maynard said:

Even the second, third, fourth time?  C'mon man!

LOL...I've known to comment "how many times can someone say 'till death do us part' with a straight face".

Having said that, you're being too cynical.  While there are plenty of people who view divorce as just another option (obviously..given the %ages) so too there are a lot of people who view marriage with the appropriate seriousness.

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23 hours ago, BR46 said:

For 36 years this lady has put up with my crap and it's to late to change now. 

Today is our anniversary so I'm going to take her out to eat and there's a pretty good chance that I'm going to get lucky tonight. 

20150711_174458.thumb.jpg.1769d274e692a7179856e93f0c37414f.jpg

I do not know why, but your last line made me think of a female comedian I saw years ago.  She said "Guys, you know when you are getting ready for a big date, showering, shaving, getting dressed and you wonder "Am I gonna get laid tonight?", well, we already know.!"

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45 minutes ago, Goat Geddah said:

LOL...I've known to comment "how many times can someone say 'till death do us part' with a straight face".

Having said that, you're being too cynical.  While there are plenty of people who view divorce as just another option (obviously..given the %ages) so too there are a lot of people who view marriage with the appropriate seriousness.

I believe most means more than half, no?

If half of marriages end in divorce, and there are many multi-time participants, than more than half of people who get married will get divorced at least once.  It wouldn't be fair to say that everyone who gets divorced never meant "til death" in the first place, but there are surely plenty who didn't really mean it when they said it and still managed to keep it.

Maybe I'm being too cynical, but if there's any empirical evidence, it looks like it's on my side.

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7 minutes ago, Reverend_Maynard said:

If half of marriages end in divorce, and there are many multi-time participants, than more than half of people who get married will get divorced at least once

That math is wrong.  

Half of all marriages end in divorce

There are many people getting more than one divorce.

= more than half the people getting, married do NOT divorce.

Empirical evidence says that most people stay married.

I understand the cynicism and pessimism, I just feel bad that things happen to people that make them get cynical.

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