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Living apart together- LAT


shootingstar

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A small trend, couples who live apart (sometimes only 5 min. apart) but are together.  And no, they each aren't having an extra-marital affair.  Happening more than one realizes, and this is on top of the commuter marriages.

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-one-love-two-homes-how-some-couples-find-happiness-in-living/

Probably very foreign to most forumites ..or maybe not.  

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I know a couple who live within walking distance of each other. He has the keys to her apartment but she doesn't have the keys to his house. She has been waiting for him to propose for 13 years and their hobby is looking at houses that he always finds a reason not to buy.  He's messed her over many, many times with things like telling her to sell her house and move in with him. The day after she sold it, he changed his mind. He's gone on two week vacations without telling her or answering his phone.

I don't know why she puts up with is crap.

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6 minutes ago, JerrySTL said:

I know a couple who live within walking distance of each other. He has the keys to her apartment but she doesn't have the keys to his house. She has been waiting for him to propose for 13 years and their hobby is looking at houses that he always finds a reason not to buy.  He's messed her over many, many times with things like telling her to sell her house and move in with him. The day after she sold it, he changed his mind. He's gone on two week vacations without telling her or answering his phone.

I don't know why she puts up with is crap.

The lst alert is that she doesn't have keys to his house.  They aren't living apart together...that's my opinion. She's being shafted now.

I know a guy at work who lives in Alberta and his family lives in suburb of Vancouver...this probably has been going on for past 15 years. His children are grown but may still live at home....meaning his eldest is over 30 yrs.  He tells me whenever he goes back home, (true home), he has lots of work at home to do..his wife asks stuff, then his aging mother who lives there, etc.  He is in a manager role with 15 people reporting to him and probably knows he couldn't get a salary as healthy as where he has been all along. He deserves to retire (been with organization for over last 30 yrs).

For sure, where a couple have children, they get along well and they plan to remain married together, then for the children, especially if they are young, it may help them to have parents around.

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I recall reading Woody Allen  and Mia Farrow maintained separate households even after they had kids together.  That didn't work out so well for them.

I do think it's different if there are no "joint" children involved. 

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With six or maybe seven billion folks on this planet, I'm betting there are a LOT of trends like this one.

My wife and I have recently been comparing notes on how many married couples - living in the same house and seemingly happily - sleep in different beds/rooms.  A lot of it comes down to various health reasons or different sleeping habits/schedules, but I hear about it more and more.  I know my wife and I started dating and I only had a twin bed which was more than enough for us! Then, we evolved to a double, a queen, and finally our massive king.  We could still handle a double, but then the dog would have to figure out a new place to sleep :D 

Tom

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2 minutes ago, Razors Edge said:

I know my wife and I started dating and I only had a twin bed which was more than enough for us! Then, we evolved to a double, a queen, and finally our massive king.  We could still handle a double, but then the dog would have to figure out a new place to sleep :D 

Tom

in our home the dog would stay put. I would be the one on the floor

on another message board (retirement) there is a couple that bought homes next door to one another. They (she) like it a lot. 

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54 minutes ago, Kirby said:

I recall reading Woody Allen  and Mia Farrow maintained separate households even after they had kids together.  That didn't work out so well for them.

I do think it's different if there are no "joint" children involved. 

It can be quite different...if there are no joint children. 

I wasn't  interested moving in with dearie when he divorced and plus shared custody of his then young teenage children with his ex.  Divorce is tough on children and I would have been a fool to think I could be on par as a 2nd mother figure without dealing with a lot of angst and conflict. Other women would see it as a window to fill their maternal instincts (without having children).  I don't see that way at all.

Besides I met dearie just a few months after I bought my own place. I really wanted to enjoy my own place, not give it up. :)  He was happy to raise his children when they were with him, in peace.  We ended up living together when we both relocated to Vancouver from Toronto.

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Not to suggest at all, it be a permanent solution --especially when there are young children involved.  There is a real reality....of earning money and careers to survive.  But it would be for a certain period of time and the couple would have to reach an amiable understanding when it would start and end with mutually agreeable ways of communicating with one another often.

 

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Some years ago I took a job in NorCal. We planned to live seperately until the kids finished school (they were in elementary school then).  I was dreading every moment of living away from my family.

Fortunately I didn't have to move (the person holding the same job I was hired for 10 miles from my house suddenly quit days before my relocation).  

Somebody was looking out for me!

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11 hours ago, ChrisL said:

Some years ago I took a job in NorCal. We planned to live seperately until the kids finished school (they were in elementary school then).  I was dreading every moment of living away from my family.

Fortunately I didn't have to move (the person holding the same job I was hired for 10 miles from my house suddenly quit days before my relocation).  

Somebody was looking out for me!

Interestingly  a guy from our dept. left for a job in Toronto (3,200 km. east of us) because his contract ended.  Then he returned to our city/organization about 1 month later for another (temporary, but longer term) job in another dept.  He really wanted to stay in our city because he had wife and 2 young children. So someone was looking out for him also.

In Alberta there were a lot of workers in oil and gas who came temporarily from other parts of Canada...meaning several thousand km. away.

When my partner was forced to relocate from Toronto and Calgary for remaining 2 yrs. before he took early retirement, it was painful. I could not even bike by the apartment where he used to live. This was before days of Skype.

 

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I thought the original point of the thread was folks who are "together" - ie married, engaged, permanently a "couple" - maintaining separate homes where traditionally the couple would live in the same home together.

If this is more a "have you ever lived apart from your partner" thread, then that is way more common, normal, and many (or most) of us have. Usually for job or school situations.

Tom

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Wo7 and I lived in separate domiciles for most of 2017. She in OH, taking care of her Mom and me in VA trying to get my Mom into assisted living. I think we both enjoyed the experience and we are still adapting to living together again. There are times where I would want to live alone. I enjoyed the solitude.  

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1 hour ago, Razors Edge said:

I thought the original point of the thread was folks who are "together" - ie married, engaged, permanently a "couple" - maintaining separate homes where traditionally the couple would live in the same home together.

If this is more a "have you ever lived apart from your partner" thread, then that is way more common, normal, and many (or most) of us have. Usually for job or school situations.

Tom

Well, the news article link in original post did cover those relationships too.. permanently a couple but living in separate homes..indefinitely.  I don't agree if there are young children involved.

Seems like the assumption these days now in North America, is if you have an intimate, loving relationship that a couple moves in with one another after a few years or sooner than that. It doesn't have to be that way for awhile, if the couple trusts one another...and yes, one indicator is giving a set of keys to partner between each other to visit any time, any hr...which is how it was with dearie for lst 9 yrs. of our relationship when he was raising his kids, as part of custody arrangements.  It may sound strange these days..well, no. We spent a lot of time at each other's homes.

Honest, when I've known a young couple who don't have any children, where a person's work contract will end, this is what I do suggest:  You might want to consider a job for a yr. in another city.  However the marriage/relationship has to be strong enough for this.  It doesn't help if one partner is insecure or the style of communication among couple is unbalanced --ie. 1 partner just talks less/doesn't communicate well.

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I had a three way for a while. After I was laid off I got a job in Jacksonville and wife stayed in Orlando, 200 miles apart. Daughter was going to school in Tallahassee. I would come home every other week, mowing lawn and other chores and wife would spend weekend with me in Jacksonville. On the weekend that I went to Orlando, Daughter and her friends would come to Jacksonville to "their condo near (1 mile) the beach". Eventually, wifes job stabilized at the University and I found a different job in Orlando.

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