Does this make me a bad person?

[Square Wheels]

I don't want grandchildren.  Ever.

I have three kids, I love them dearly.

It is my opinion I was / am a terrible parent.  Why would  be a better grandparent?

My oldest may not have kids.  Middle one, who knows.  Youngest is a daughter, she probably feels she's supposed to.

They rarely talk with me.  Maybe they like me, maybe they don't.  I honestly don't know.  It causes me tremendous pain and I feel having grandkids would continue that pain.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just needed to say it a bunch of stranger friends.

[Dottleshead ★]

1 minute ago, Square Wheels said:

I don't want grandchildren.  Ever.

I have three kids, I love them dearly.

It is my opinion I was / am a terrible parent.  Why would  be a better grandparent?

My oldest may not have kids.  Middle one, who knows.  Youngest is a daughter, she probably feels she's supposed to.

They rarely talk with me.  Maybe they like me, maybe they don't.  I honestly don't know.  It causes me tremendous pain and I feel having grandkids would continue that pain.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just needed to say it a bunch of stranger friends.

I'm here to make things better wheels.  You are a terrible parent.  Accept it and correct it.

 

You're welcome. ?

[Dottleshead ★]

On a more serious note, it's the holidays.  Please check out 

.

[Square Wheels]

Just now, Dottles said:

Accept it and correct it.

I can't, and it feels to late.

[jsharr ★]

I can understand this.  You did the best you could I think.  Parenting is hard and we tend to blame ourselves for the shortcoming of our kids, right or wrong.  I know I have screwed my boys up due to my issues.  It hurts.

I also know I have friends who have no desire to marry or have kids, due in great part to their childhoods.  It is what it is.   You cannot change the past,  but you can affect the future.

And finally, the only person on this big blue marble that you have any measure of control over is yourself.   Forgive yourself,  love yourself, live in the now.  The past is gone and cannot be changed.  You are a good person.  Other see it, so should you.

[donkpow]

Dammit man, do your job.

[maddmaxx ★]

You are in good company with Mark Twain.

[Dottleshead ★]

Just now, Square Wheels said:

I can't, and it feels to late.

The only time it's too late is when you are dead. By then you'll have no choice but to accept it -- if you are even aware of your existence.  Head up!

[maddmaxx ★]

When a child turns 12, he should be kept in a barrel and fed through the bung hole, until he reaches 16…at which time you plug the bung hole.

[jsharr ★]

Just now, maddmaxx said:

When a child turns 12, he should be kept in a barrel and fed through the bung hole, until he reaches 16…at which time you plug the bung hole.

How much Heinlein have you read?

[Square Wheels]

2 minutes ago, jsharr said:

I can understand this.  You did the best you could I think.  Parenting is hard and we tend to blame ourselves for the shortcoming of our kids, right or wrong.  I know I have screwed my boys up due to my issues.  It hurts.

I also know I have friends who have no desire to marry or have kids, due in great part to their childhoods.  It is what it is.   You cannot change the past,  but you can affect the future.

And finally, the only person on this big blue marble that you have any measure of control over is yourself.   Forgive yourself,  love yourself, live in the now.  The past is gone and cannot be changed.  You are a good person.  Other see it, so should you.

Thanks for making me cry.

[Dottleshead ★]

I'm sorry.  I draw the line on the subjects of children and the use of the term 'bung hole'. 

[jsharr ★]

Just now, Square Wheels said:

Thanks for making me cry.

Crying is good for you.  I do it all the time.  No shame in it.   

[maddmaxx ★]

4 minutes ago, jsharr said:

How much Heinlein have you read?

I used to read Heinlein but these days my sy-fy is much more low brow.  I'm much more space opera stuff like that by David Weber.

[Chris...]

This is sad. I talk to my kids every day. I workout at the gym with one daughter 5 days a week. We all have dinner at my house every Sunday if they're in town. Two of them live in town so they're here all of the time.

[Randomguy]

14 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

It is my opinion I was / am a terrible parent. 

What is your evidence?  We should move this to a reality-based context, as I suspect you are generally harder on yourself than anyone else could possibly ever be, and maybe by a factor of ten or so.  Well, except when you change the software display settings or get all kinds of repressive, then I take over as being impossibly hard on you.

Anyway, you are probably way better than you suspect.

[Square Wheels]

Just now, Chris... said:

This is sad. I talk to my kids every day. I workout at the gym with one daughter 5 days a week. We all have dinner at my house every Sunday if they're in town. Two of them live in town so they're here all of the time.

I agree.  I have tried.  My oldest moved to Texas, I think in part for a high paying job, but also in part to get away from his parents.  My middle one never talks to me, regardless of how hard I try, or back off and wait for him to come to me.  This will be the second year in a row he will not do anything with me for Christmas, his choice,  My daughter has a terrible relationship with her verbally abusive, alcoholic mother.  I tried to get her to live here with me, she has an awesome bedroom that we remolded with her input.  She'd rather stay there.

I know I wasn't perfect, none of us are, but I clearly screwed up much worse than I thought, and the really hard part is, I honestly don't know what I did.

[Wilbur ★]

When it comes to whether they like you or not, it inevitably comes down to their perception of the family pre and post split.  

2 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

we remolded with her input.

Remove the new mold and she will like you better.

[Square Wheels]

1 minute ago, Wilbur said:

Remove the new mold and she will like you better.

[Randomguy]

20 minutes ago, jsharr said:

Parenting is hard and we tend to blame ourselves for the shortcoming of our kids, right or wrong. 

Kids come out all kinds of ways.  Half come out just bad, nature shoots them out that way.  Sometimes parents screw them up, but they have to be REALLY screwed up parents, like crackheads, big on beating kids, etc.  Otherwise, kids are pretty resilient.  The ex is doing all she can to screw RO up, I worry that my influence really won't matter at all.  

[Dottleshead ★]

21 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

I know I wasn't perfect, none of us are, but I clearly screwed up much worse than I thought, and the really hard part is, I honestly don't know what I did.

Seems like a good time to ask them. Humbly.

[Green Grass]

56 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

1 hour ago, Square Wheels said:

I don't want grandchildren.  Ever.

I have three kids, I love them dearly.

It is my opinion I was / am a terrible parent.  Why would  be a better grandparent?

My oldest may not have kids.  Middle one, who knows.  Youngest is a daughter, she probably feels she's supposed to.

They rarely talk with me.  Maybe they like me, maybe they don't.  I honestly don't know.  It causes me tremendous pain and I feel having grandkids would continue that pain.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just needed to say it a bunch of stranger friends.

I don't want grandchildren.  Ever.

 I feel having grandkids would continue that pain.

 

Not your call.  And the reasoning is selfish.

 

56 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

I have three kids, I love them dearly.

It is my opinion I was / am a terrible parent.  Why would  be a better grandparent?

They rarely talk with me.  Maybe they like me, maybe they don't.  I honestly don't know.  It causes me tremendous pain 

 

Seems like a pretty distant relationship if your kids don't talk with you and you don't know why.  Maybe you should find out.  That's the only way you can determine if it's fixable. 

Can't imagine how awful it would be if I didn't have a close bond with my kids.  Even though four of them are away from home, we still communicate daily...sometime individually, sometimes in the family group text.  But there's always contact.  I think this is normal.

 

1 hour ago, Square Wheels said:

I'm not looking for sympathy, just needed to say it a bunch of stranger friends.

 

Nonetheless, I do feel very sorry for you.

[12string]

1 hour ago, Dottles said:

Seems like a good time to ask them. Humbly.

This.

Just be ready to hear some stuff that you never expected.  Or to hear - nothing.

You might also be surprised how kids change the way they feel about parents when they have kids themselves.

[donkpow]

Dammit man, get over yourself.

[Dirtyhip]

I don't know anything about Grandkids.  What I do know is that I believe that kids are a major pain in the ass.  It's not for everyone.  I am thankful we didn't do it.  The task isn't for us.

Kids are expensive and an enormous responsibility.  We have so much time for freedom.  We can leave home whenever we chose.  It is very nice for us.

[Page Turner]

2 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

Does this make me a bad person?

I don't want grandchildren.  Ever.

I have three kids, I love them dearly.

It is my opinion I was / am a terrible parent.  Why would  be a better grandparent?

My oldest may not have kids.  Middle one, who knows.  Youngest is a daughter, she probably feels she's supposed to.

They rarely talk with me.  Maybe they like me, maybe they don't.  I honestly don't know.  It causes me tremendous pain and I feel having grandkids would continue that pain.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just needed to say it a bunch of stranger friends.

...no.  There are other things that make you a bad person. Following the Patriots, for example.

[Page Turner]

1 hour ago, Goat Geddah said:

  I think this is normal.

...everyone thinks that his or her own situation and practice is "normal".  There is no "normal" with regard to parent child relationships. Get over yourself indeed.

[Page Turner]

2 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

I know I wasn't perfect, none of us are, but I clearly screwed up much worse than I thought, and the really hard part is, I honestly don't know what I did.

...I can tell you why I moved three thousand miles across the country to get away from my family, if that helps you.  They're all fucking crazy.  

[Page Turner]

2 hours ago, Randomguy said:

Anyway, you are probably way better than you suspect.

...if nobody got strangled in his or her crib, they have little to complain about.

[Longjohn ★]

Whelp I still say kids and grandkids are under rated. I have three granddaughters here right now for a sleep over. Little red has been snuggling with nana ever since dinner. We are watching Alvin and the chipmunks, well they are and I’m in the room playing around in here.

My eldest son has struggled more than his brothers. He lives in Wilmington NC. He has been married and divorced twice and appears to have a drinking problem. We can only do what we can do.

[Ralphie ★]

19 minutes ago, No One said:

...no.  There are other things that make you a bad person. Following the Patriots, for example.

This took until post 26?  WTH!  :D

 

 

[Ralphie ★]

I agree with goat that it isn;t your call anyway, so you will get what you get.  Life is like a box of chocolates, like jsharrt said.

 

[MickinMD ★]

3 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

I don't want grandchildren.  Ever.

I have three kids, I love them dearly.

It is my opinion I was / am a terrible parent.  Why would  be a better grandparent?

My oldest may not have kids.  Middle one, who knows.  Youngest is a daughter, she probably feels she's supposed to.

They rarely talk with me.  Maybe they like me, maybe they don't.  I honestly don't know.  It causes me tremendous pain and I feel having grandkids would continue that pain.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just needed to say it a bunch of stranger friends.

There are so many truly awful parents out there, I bet you shine as a parent compared to the average.

There's a "You know you're a teacher if..." list and one of the if's is: "you meet a kid's parents at a parent-teacher conference and instantly realize why he's so badly behaved."

I've been involved in conferences where all the teachers the kid has in the morning think he's the devil himself and all the afternoon teachers think he's a great kid. The reason is that the parents didn't feed the kid after he got home from school, 2-3 days every week, and couldn't be bothered to get him to school for the free breakfast. All morning all the kid can think of is lunch. Veteran teachers give each other the eye that says, "Oh no, not this again. The parents should be whipped by law for doing this."

So, yeah, every parent makes mistakes.  But if they're progressing through life normally, you probably did ok.

 

The older the kids in the family get, the more independent they are of mom, dad, aunts and uncles.  I got a 10 year-old nephew left who likes to spend a lot of time with me. The 18 year-old does something with me every couple of months and he'll likely be out-of-state at college by the end of next August.

[Further]

21 minutes ago, MickinMD said:

The reason is that the parents didn't feed the kid after he got home from school, 2-3 days every week, and couldn't be bothered to get him to school for the free breakfast. All morning all the kid can think of is lunch.

?

[Further]

It doesn't look like I'll be getting any grandkids. as much as I would like to share all the things I've learned since I was raising my kids, I'm not missing the stress that raising a child today brings. 

[Kirby]

You love your kids and you've done your best, that's already a stop ahead of a not insignificant percentage of parents.

I look at my niece and nephew, and they were raised very similarly, but they each have very unique personalities. Sometimes kids are just different no matter what you do.

There are also a lot of factors that can be influencing them that really have nothing to do with you.  Your daughter may be appreciative of the room but feel like her mom needs her more, or that whatever the home situation is, at least it's a "known".   I have a tendency to think that people's actions are a reflection of how they think of me, when usually it's just a function of how they feel about themselves.

And I think I had a pretty wonderful Dad, but he was a different grandfather than a Dad. When we were young, he had to work hard to support the family and he commuted over 2 hours a day.   He was wonderful, but we saw a lot more of our Mom.  But he and my Mom were very active in  taking care of the grandkids when my sister went back to work.  Now he was retired and he had a lot more time to spend with them  and talk.   Of course if he'd done all that when we were younger, we'd have had no food and no place to live.

2 of the 3 kids in our family had no children, but it wasn't because we were reacting to our childhood, it's just sort of how life unfolded.   Kids can be a huge blessing, but there are also situations where not having kids is the right choice.  There's rarely one answer that is right for all situations and all people.

At one point my sisters and I all lived in different cities around the country - Boston, Chicago and LA.  None of us were trying to get away from family, it's just the various opportunities we had and the things we wanted to explore.  Oddly enough, years later we all ended up living within an hour of our parents.

[The_Karen_Cooper_Incident]

9 hours ago, No One said:

...no.  Following the Patriots, for example.

The hippie is correct.  

[The_Karen_Cooper_Incident]

SW, I don't know what happened but I find it hard to believe you were a bad parent intentionally or not intentionally.  You don't seem like the type. 

From my experience, it's partially a result of alcoholism in the family but this is a very subjective statement as I have pretty extensive experience in the subject and I'm bound to it.  

I suspect finding help and guidance from a professional third party counselor would do you well.  They have an ability to challenge your foundation of thoughts and spin the direction on them, while providing help on your journey of fixing the definite wrongs from your past.  It seems to me you are in a cycle of thought and belief that is in a loop and you can't figure out the puzzle on your own. I've found that no matter how intelligent I think I might be, I need the help of others from a objective perspective to help right the ship.  It's practically impossible for us to travel this journey on our own in a healthy and successful way  while battling demons and ghosts from the past. 

Welcome to being human.  It's sounds like you have an opportunity here to grow. 

 

Peace, 

Couch 

 

[shootingstar]

On ‎12‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 2:11 PM, 12string said:

This.

Just be ready to hear some stuff that you never expected.  Or to hear - nothing.

You might also be surprised how kids change the way they feel about parents when they have kids themselves.

Or when kids move away and have their own home. Honest, I don't think the trend of adult kids living with parent(s) without ever experiencing several years living away from home, is a good thing. It's very difficult to appreciate the daily care parent(s) of  even providing food, running a household, paying living costs until kid does /shoulders all of this themselves.

Appreciation of parent(s) as expressed by adult child, varies much in a family.  ONe thing we learned was my mother appreciated our expression for her...on mother's day, less so on her birthday. I am hopeful out of 3 children, there will be 1-2 children who will express their appreciation/love for squarewheels.  Sometimes the proof, is in the preferences, habits and certain personality traits from the best of a parent and the child doesn't quite realize it until much later in life.

 

[Road Runner]

On 12/21/2018 at 3:30 PM, Square Wheels said:

It is my opinion I was / am a terrible parent.  Why would  be a better grandparent?

Being a grandparent is a lot easier than being a parent.  

[Wilbur ★]

Funnily enough, I had coffee with a former friend today.  He asked if I knew why his son and daughter haven't talked to him in 6 years.  So, I told him..  "You creeped people out with your dialogue after your girlfriend gave you the boot.  You told us all you were stalking her and cited three occasions the police came and apprehended you.  We all got tired of it and when the judge started handing you restraining orders, we all backed away".  Duh!