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Scrapr

Hard to put this down in words

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I don't want to bring the forum down. You have helped me more than you know. tl:dr  Cancer sucks

WoScrapr had eshophageal cancer Dx in November of '17. An endoscopy turned into an ER visit then transfer to the oncology ward. Installation of a feeding tube. (WoScrapr's own special hell)

I was scared to death. The care team at kaiser was wonderful. A bit slow out of the gate...but after we met with our radiologist everything became clear. A plan forward. We did radiation & chemo through Jan '18. Then surgery in March of '18. That was brutal. The surgeon cut her espohageous out & stretched her stomach up to meet the top. Side effects? You betcha. 

A relatively non eventful summer..although lots of non sleeping nights. Then it came roaring back in November of '18. A tumor on the jugular was the first one. Lots & lots of pain as the tumor was pressing on a nerve bundle. A couple of hospitalizations. Radiation & chemo again. Next PET scan in Feb showed a couple more tumors grown while doing the chemo. Here we are here in April and WoScrapr is not doing well. One tumor is pressing on the windpipe. She gets winded on occasion. Dizzy  enough to fall...which she has done a few times

Today we talked to the oncologist about Death with Dignity. In Oregon you have to have 2 docs 15 days apart have to OK it. WoScrapr is scared of the ways she could expire. The tumors could close off her windpipe. Or they could block the blood flow to the brain. ie: stroke  Lots of folks that get approved for DWD do not take it. Maybe as much as 2/3rds. But she wants the options

You all have been with me in innumerable appointments, chemo doses, radiation,  hospitilizations, etc.You have provided a few laughs. Enough that WoScrapr will ask me what is up with Vegan Cycling.  My best friend and love of my life won't be with me for long. We have been reminscing about places we've been and trips we've been on. 

She  has had the best attitude. Always upbeat & making friends in all the areas. We have been blessed my caring folks all throughout the process. Unbelievable people in a difficult job. At some point we will send out Thank you notes for all the people that have cared for WoScrapr. We still have to tell Lil Scrapr & Mom WoScrapr

Having pizza & wine tonight

 

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Wow. Just wow. I cannot imagine the hell you two are going through. That is amazing that Oregon has the Death with Dignity opportunity. So very scary yet reassuring. Not sure I could do it, but then I'm not in her shoes. 

The good fortune in her life right now is you. 

Please be sure to take care of yourself too. 

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Wow, Scapr, I am so sorry to read your anguish. God speed. I wish her ease and you courage to get through this.  You are in my thoughts. And thank you for sharing.

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Damn it..it's dusty in here...and at bed time too..look out tomorrow when I have Kermit the frog eyes.

So sorry that this pain and struggle is in your journey. I will keep you all in my prayers..and wrap you in a virtual hug..I just commented to a friend that my prayer list was getting damn long. Wishing you both peace in this difficult time.

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4 minutes ago, dennis said:

Good luck to both of you. I like the pizza and wine part of this story the best. Your positive attitude is impressive. Stay strong.

My attitude is only 10% of WoScrapr's. She remembers every care giver/nurse/scheduler/Doctor/hospitalist name. And knows of their kids & dogs. especially dogs. As a result she gets special treatment everywhere she goes. But that is how she has been since we met 27 years ago. 

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7 hours ago, dennis said:

Good luck to both of you. I like the pizza and wine part of this story the best. Your positive attitude is impressive. Stay strong.

I liked the part where we have been with you through it all. Pretty cool to carry a posse around in your pocket. Sorry you both have to go through this. Keep up the reminiscing!

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This is so hard to read and imagine.  For me too, my wife is my best friend, I'd be lost without her.  Though, knowing my wife, she'd be pissed at me if I did not continue on.  How I would do that, I can't imagine.

Virtual hugs to you my friend.

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10 hours ago, wilbur said:

Oh...this is really sad. :(   You have been such a steadily happy and enjoyable person on the forum and all while dealing with so much.  Life is not fair but it is about living.  Please enjoy your time with WoSrapr and make every minute you share count.  It sounds as though you have been a close couple who have shared a special life together.  

I had a couple of close scrapes in my life and it taught me that death isn’t horrible for the affected.  In fact, it can be a blessing.  It is hard on the survivors.  I will be thinking of you when that day comes.  I am sure she will worry about what happens to those left behind.  When the time is right, be sure to assure her that all will be ok. 

Your character is being tested and it shines.  You’re a good man Scrapr.  Warm Canadian hugs for WoScrapr.  

I always have trouble expressing my thoughts and concerns when others are going through such times of distress and grief as you are, Scrapr.  But what Wilbur says here is damn near perfect and deserves to be said again.  We all here will surely have you and WoScrapr in our thoughts and/or prayers.  I'm sure that just having you there means the world to her.    

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Sorry to hear about this, but thank you for sharing. Your story shared many things but the common thread through it all is the love that you have for each other. I pray that your wife will beat this, that you find strength to make it through the hard times and that you find peace no matter the outcome. We are all here for each other. Jack

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11 hours ago, Scrapr said:

I didn't mean to pour out a mess of words. It was just that we were in the middle of it. And had hope that the next thing was going to be the "cure". Now we are down to the last one. The Keytruda is a relatively new immunology drug. Instead of the chemo killing the cells it unlocks the immune system to kill the cancer cells.  A friend of ours had her adrenal cancer "cured" with Keytruda when she got in a trial. So we have a tiny bit of hope. Tiny. But our pathways are closing. She has had 2 doses with one more today. The tumors seem to still be growing...

WoScrapr had so much fun on our trip to the Volvo factory 2 years ago that she talked a lot about going to get hers. I promised her in the oncology ward she would get to go. In late January it looked like she was getting better. We put down a deposit on her trip. Which I had to cancel this week. 

I don't like to beg but if you hit your knees tonight say a fast one for WoScrapr. 

I will hit my knees at my desk.  

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11 hours ago, wilbur said:

Oh...this is really sad. :(   You have been such a steadily happy and enjoyable person on the forum and all while dealing with so much.  Life is not fair but it is about living.  Please enjoy your time with WoSrapr and make every minute you share count.  It sounds as though you have been a close couple who have shared a special life together.  

I had a couple of close scrapes in my life and it taught me that death isn’t horrible for the affected.  In fact, it can be a blessing.  It is hard on the survivors.  I will be thinking of you when that day comes.  I am sure she will worry about what happens to those left behind.  When the time is right, be sure to assure her that all will be ok. 

Your character is being tested and it shines.  You’re a good man Scrapr.  Warm Canadian hugs for WoScrapr.  

 

1 hour ago, Square Wheels said:

This is so hard to read and imagine.  For me too, my wife is my best friend, I'd be lost without her.  Though, knowing my wife, she'd be pissed at me if I did not continue on.  How I would do that, I can't imagine.

Virtual hugs to you my friend.

 

1 hour ago, jsharr said:

There are no words that I could write that would ease the pain and fear that you and your wife are going through.

I will pray for peace and strength and comfort and clarity for your family.

 

I am usually never at a loss for words and have offered words of comfort many times over, but I have been sitting here staring at the screen and I cannot express my thoughts any better than Wilbur, SW and Jsharr did.  

Give that wonderful woman a hug from all of us, and find someone to give you one too.

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I am so sorry to read everything that you and WoScrapr have been going through, but honored that you'd share your experiences with us.  WoScrapr sounds like a remarkable woman.  You both will be in my prayers and I hope we're able to give you some moments of levity and diversion.  There is a lot of silliness on this forum, which I enjoy, but there are also a lot of caring, kind people and we will be with you.

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The thread title spurred a rather appropriate memory.  Treasure her every last moment, scrapr.

Quote

hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is, now you're in the world

--Elton John's Your Song

 

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10 minutes ago, Scrapr said:

A picture of Lindy with Big Game Jen her bestie on the right.She used to beotch all the time about going to the tailgates. We had a pretty sweet set up. Right outside the gates. Close enough to go out at the half and post game.  During the tailgate she was in her element. Talking, talking talking...with everyone. These 2 are 2 peas in a pod. Ed Zachary alike. Big game Jen never met a stranger. She is from Grand Rapids. So you know she's nice.

 

 

2019-04-17 10.48.33.jpg

They could be sisters, and my Wood Badge critter is the Beaver, so I have to love this even more!!!

image.png.d2843720f4092a6adec9381fcfe29b04.png

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I have tried to think of something to write but words fail me. Cancer sucks. What doesn’t suck is her attitude and yours, too. Your love and respect for each other. The way you cherish each other. These are the things that matter. 

I can speak from experience, nothing hurts quite as much as watching the person you love suffer. That said, there is also nothing more valuable then being the one there.  I have had years to process this, yet your post brings much raw emotion. 

Keep loving, keep hugging, keep talking.  It matters.  Many prayers to you all.  

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16 hours ago, Scrapr said:

A picture of Lindy with Big Game Jen her bestie on the right.She used to beotch all the time about going to the tailgates. We had a pretty sweet set up. Right outside the gates. Close enough to go out at the half and post game.  During the tailgate she was in her element. Talking, talking talking...with everyone. These 2 are 2 peas in a pod. Ed Zachary alike. Big game Jen never met a stranger. She is from Grand Rapids. So you know she's nice.

 

 

2019-04-17 10.48.33.jpg

Most definitely peas in a pod!

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Sorry to hear but at least you have (or about to have) options where both of you define and take control. Something that is denied to so many. When my step-father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the only control he had was to refuse treatment. While he would have had a few more months, he knew the quality of life during the extended time as he had friends who had the same diagnosis and saw their decline. While he lived for six months after the diagnosis, during the final stages with in-home hospice support, perhaps the heaviest burden was on my mother as she cared for him. With the pain she wanted to "accidently" OD him on morphine, but ethically/religiously couldn't. At the end, it wasn't grief but relief knowing that was no longer in pain. Hope this helps with the very difficult decisions ahead and thinking of you.

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