I'm pretty sure it's a formality now -- taking the old man down to the doctor's office today

[Dottleshead ★]

It's been 3 months since he broke his leg.  He's made very modest gains.  He was given instructions to really use it or he could lose use of that leg and he has done minimum.  Unfortunately, I live about 60 miles from where he is staying and visiting hours made it impossible for me to see him during the week.  I could only call and you can only repeat the necessity for him to use his leg so much. What this means is I'm expecting the surgeon to say later today that he probably has loss the use of it and will be bound to a wheelchair from this point moving forward.  But he still hasn't successfully moved from the bed to the wheel chair yet and vice-a-versa without a two person assist and a crane like machine.  And he is showing signs of dementia.  This is putting me in a really tough spot because I know he wants to go home -- SEVERELY -- and if I don't he'd probably never forgive me.  But his condition has made it such that he's a two person assist at home and the folks would probably only do a 75% care for him at best -- and his home environment isn't one I don't think a lot of caregivers are going to want to enter -- because of the other shit family members that live there.  He's going to need 100% care and if I send him home, something bad will probably is going to happen. I also suspect his dementia is going to get worse and then getting him out of there (home environment) is going to be a real challenge. Which means he should probably NOT go home -- but I know him.  Living in a care facility is death to him -- like it is for most of us who enter it.  And if I submit him to long term care, then he needs to qualify for Medicaid -- which means I have to do a spend down of all his assets and leave nothing but his home.  And my scumbag sister(s) and their freeloading children get to live there unsupervised for free while he is in long term care.  Nothing can be done about the later until he passes -- and I can tell you now -- my dad is going to be a tough out.  In any event, I feel it's almost my duty to give him at least one more shot at home so he can realize just how precarious his predicament is.  I feel I owe it to him to at least find out for himself.

If I may speak freely, this whole thing is fucked.  His condition is fucked.  His aging is fucked.  The choices I have to make for him are fucked -- and the rest of my unreliable family are going to be fucked because they're dependent leaches with nowhere to go.  I am honored to look after my father and will continue to advocate for his best interests, but I do have some resentments towards my other useless family members who failed to launch in life -- none of them work -- or have records that make it impossible for them to work -- who struggle to take care of themselves.  I don't really care so much about their welfare -- but it's an issue that my father stuck his head in the sand with when he enabled them.  Now I get to deal with it.

 

[jsharr ★]

Sorry brother.  Aging and the related problems suck.

[onbike1939]

Yep......it's a bad position to be in....but you are in it. Do what you think right, as it's you who have to live with it and bugger the opinion of the rest of them who will merely blame you whatever you decide. Keep the above in mind when you make the decision and be true to yourself while knowing that whatever choice you make there are bound to be some bad consequences. Accept these consequences as part of the deal, that's what happens when you are brave enough to make decisions and others choose the easy path. 

Best wishes. 

[Kzoo]

Dottie, sorry that you have to deal with this.  Do you have his Power of Attorney?  If not, who does?  Those are rhetorical questions.

And as far as going home, in many areas the County Department of Social Services has a say in it.  A big say.  If done right they won't allow discharge from a care facility without seeing that there is adequate at home care arranged and a home inspection.

As for Medicare and the draw down, it's part of life.  The care facility should have people to help you with this.

Prayers for peace and guidance.

 

[Dottleshead ★]

I can accept any heat I get especially from my other family members. But I am including them in the loop. They may be fucked up but they have a right to know. I honestly think they want him home because he brings some structure to there lives. I suppose I am still leaning at this point to let him go home but it would be helpful to all if he could just HELP transport himself from the bed side to the wheelchair and vice-a-versa. I probably will play that angle and keep him where he is for another month as incentive. But that will depend largely on what his surgeon says later today.

[petitepedal ★]

Keeping you in my prayers Dottie. My aunt didn't want to go into a nursing home either..but I could not afford to take care of her at home and there was the cost thing..at almost 6ft tall...I was no good at getting her on or off a toilet..etc.

After 17 years in senior housing..our main criteria is "Is he safe?".  Regardless of what he wants..you need to think of his safety...is he being taken care of at home?  Is the house clean and safe for him to move around.

Hugs Mr.

[TrentonMakes]

very sorry you're dealing with all that, Dot.

Your family members sound familiar - do they have catchy initials for names like LAJ and RtJ?

[Dottleshead ★]

10 minutes ago, Kzoo said:

Dottie, sorry that you have to deal with this.  Do you have his Power of Attorney?  If not, who does?  Those are rhetorical questions.

And as far as going home, in many areas the County Department of Social Services has a say in it.  A big say.  If done right they won't allow discharge from a care facility without seeing that there is adequate at home care arranged and a home inspection.

As for Medicare and the draw down, it's part of life.  The care facility should have people to help you with this.

Prayers for peace and guidance.

 

Yes I am POA. And I have hired legal counsel should I need it. But that's more for the Medicaid form. I still am still data collecting. Should know more tonight.

[Dottleshead ★]

4 minutes ago, petitepedal said:

Keeping you in my prayers Dottie. My aunt didn't want to go into a nursing home either..but I could not afford to take care of her at home and there was the cost thing..at almost 6ft tall...I was no good at getting her on or off a toilet..etc.

After 17 years in senior housing..our main criteria is "Is he safe?".  Regardless of what he wants..you need to think of his safety...is he being taken care of at home?  Is the house clean and safe for him to move around.

Hugs Mr.

My wife worked in your field Petite. She tells me the same thing.

[Kzoo]

5 minutes ago, Dottie said:

Yes I am POA.

Then I will say to you the same thing that I said to my Brother In Law when he had tough choices to make for my FIL.  The BIL would come to talk when he had choices that he though some of his siblings might not like.  I told him that his dad asked him to be the POA for a reason.  If the FIL made that choice it should be everyone else's responsibility to honor that and support the decisions made by the one FIL entrusted.  It was his job to chose for his father.

If it's in your dad's best interest to sell the house - sell the house.  If it is in his best safety or long term interest to place him in a facility against his will - get him in the right facility.

You are POA for a reason.

I went through some of this with my father but most of my decisions were not nearly as tough as yours and my father counted on me to make the right decisions.  He had enough reason of mind to know he might not make the right decisions.  In the end I had to make a surgical decision that ultimately ended his life but the alternative was not a great choice either.

Be strong Dottie.

 

 

[Dottleshead ★]

""Don't you see it!?". No dad. There's no smoke or steam on the ceiling. Your eyes are probably foggy. 'They're not that foggy', he says." ?

[Kzoo]

Just now, Dottie said:

""Don't you see it!?". No dad. There's no smoke or steam on the ceiling. Your eyes are probably foggy. 'They're not that foggy', he says. ?"

My father saw other people in the room.  It started when he was about 70.  All other mental facilities were strong.  He knew they were visions but he still saw them and just ignored them.  Later (late 80's and 90's) he started seeing people (us) with dark framed eyeglasses.  Again his eyes told him they were there but his brain continued to tell him that it was just imaginary.

[Dottleshead ★]

3 minutes ago, Kzoo said:

My father saw other people in the room.  It started when he was about 70.  All other mental facilities were strong.  He knew they were visions but he still saw them and just ignored them.  Later (late 80's and 90's) he started seeing people (us) with dark framed eyeglasses.  Again his eyes told him they were there but his brain continued to tell him that it was just imaginary.

Yes. His mind is playing tricks on him. Caretakers said he tried to get out of bed 3 times last night.

[Dottleshead ★]

Then he totally pops in and is sound.

[12string]

praying for you, you're in a tough spot.  Check with Social Services, you may be surprised how much help they can offer.  

Your relatives?  Not your circus, not your monkeys.  Keep them informed, but don't make any decision based on them, unless it's how they affect dad.  Their problems are their problems, don't make them yours, you have enough.

Real tough to pout someone in full time care, but if he's degenerating more quickly lately, better sooner than later.  It will be easier, he'll get better care.  A side benefit to the progressing dementia is that stalling for time may help.  Keep telling him the arrangement is temporary.  Sucks to lie, but if it keeps him calm...

[Prophet Zacharia]

2 hours ago, Dottie said:

I feel it's almost my duty to give him at least one more shot at home so he can realize just how precarious his predicament is.  I feel I owe it to him to at least find out for himself.

How? I am struggling with similar circumstance, a FIL who can't transfer from bed to wheelchair or wheelchair to walker, but Medicare is deeming ineligible for SNF for physical therapy. Which is bullshit, because he's not plateaued in his PT, he's made significant improvements over the past three weeks, but isn't independent yet. 

I am sorry you are going through this. My wife's sibblings aren't leaches, but they are out of state, so she's shouldering all of the burden. It's taken a huge toll on her.

[Dottleshead ★]

Waiting for a ride. 

[Parsnip Totin Jack ★]

It is tough providing care to those who need it; but many times there aren’t options. We moved to OH to help the MIL who required 24/7 care. Wore my wife and her sister out until the MIL admitted that she needed to live in assisted living. She lived there for about 16 months. She received great care. LAJ now needs assisted living. Wo7 is going back to OH in two weeks to help make that happen. She is selling the content of his storage unit give him rainy day money as the assisted living will take his assets and all monthly income over $50. He is approved for Social Security income and disability payments.

[Parsnip Totin Jack ★]

My sister recently was hospitalized with Wernicke Encephalopathy caused by poor nutrition and alcohol abuse.  She recently moved to a rehabilitation facility but may require care the rest of her life as it greatly impacted brain function. We are trying to have her twin sister appointed as guardian conservator so she can make the necessary legal decisions. It sucks.

[Dottleshead ★]

Now he is seeing water running on the carpet. I think I have my answer.

[Dottleshead ★]

Restlessness, agitation & hallucinations are all part of dementia.

[petitepedal ★]

Sorry Dottie 

[Dottleshead ★]

Ugh. The Cabulance company he was rescheduled with today couldn't fit him on the lift. So now we get to go through this again. 

[Airehead]

3 hours ago, Kzoo said:

My father saw other people in the room.  It started when he was about 70.  All other mental facilities were strong.  He knew they were visions but he still saw them and just ignored them.  Later (late 80's and 90's) he started seeing people (us) with dark framed eyeglasses.  Again his eyes told him they were there but his brain continued to tell him that it was just imaginary.

My mom saw dogs and Boy Scouts. She knew they were not really there but invited them in anyway. It was Parkinson’s 

[Airehead]

@Dottie how was the appointment 

[Dottleshead ★]

52 minutes ago, Airehead said:

@Dottie how was the appointment 

Thank you for asking, Aire. It turned out the Cabulance company that came out couldn't use the ramp to lift his chair.  So I had to cancel and reschedule. Annoying.

[Dottleshead ★]

We get to do this next week 

[Airehead]

55 minutes ago, Dottie said:

We get to do this next week 

I am sorry. 

[Dottleshead ★]

10 minutes ago, Airehead said:

I am sorry. 

Thank you. It's still hard to process and I feel like I am losing him.

[Randomguy]

Sorry to hear this, it all really stinks.   If he is aware enough to know he is seeing things, I say let him go home and have the relatives do the day to day.  Let them know that is the price of staying.  It might make him happy for a little while, at least.  If the illusions are real to him, can you really let him be at home?

[Scrapr ★]

Sorry Dottie. This part sucks. As the kids said about Mom & Dad with Alzheimers/Dementia...someone has to be the parent now. 

We kept Mom & Dad in their long time home for a long time. It meant my Sis in Law had to drive 45 mins ea way every day to check on them. Once the meds started getting missed & doubled, the stove started getting left on, etc we had to have "the talk". Our experience was better too soon than too late. These facilities don't just magically have open spots. There are waiting lists on some. And it's best to do at least a bit of private pay. Then transition to Medicaid. The facility can help with that.Mom & Dad were private pay all the way through so no experience with Medicaid for us. 

Your Dad is farther on the spectrum than Mom & Dad were. They got good care and meds on time. Relatively good meals. Every move takes like 15-20% on the patients mental acuity. ie: they don't handle change well. So Rehab>Home>Rehab>AL>SNF>Memory is a lot of moves

[Dottleshead ★]

2 hours ago, Randomguy said:

Sorry to hear this, it all really stinks.   If he is aware enough to know he is seeing things, I say let him go home and have the relatives do the day to day.  Let them know that is the price of staying.  It might make him happy for a little while, at least.  If the illusions are real to him, can you really let him be at home?

See post #20

[Prophet Zacharia]

13 hours ago, Dottie said:

Restlessness, agitation & hallucinations are all part of dementia.

Or delirium. It can be something as minor as a bladder infection, or medication related. Does his doctor know this is happening?

[Wilbur ★]

16 hours ago, Dottie said:

""Don't you see it!?". No dad. There's no smoke or steam on the ceiling. Your eyes are probably foggy. 'They're not that foggy', he says." ?

Cataracts have that effect.   Have his eyes been checked? 

[donkpow]

One of the tenants at the apartments was complaining about ants crawling up the walls. When my BIL, the owner, went in to check, there were no ants. She insisted she could see ants crawling all over the wall. Turns out she was having new floaters in her eyes and didn't know it. These floaters are the result of vitreous detachment and slight bleeding. They look like ants, pepper, snakes, all kinds of things. 

[Dottleshead ★]

3 hours ago, Prophet Zacharia said:

Or delirium. It can be something as minor as a bladder infection, or medication related. Does his doctor know this is happening?

Yes, after yesterday's events we have a doctor going out to see him. I have asked for an assessment.

[groupw]

So sorry you are dealing with this. So many parallels to my dad. Mom would tell him he had to get strong enough to use the walker before he could come home. He would do just enough PT to get released, but once home, would just sit. Needless to say a recurring cycle. My brothers are supportive, but out of state so only so much they could do. Left Mom and me on an island, so to speak, frequently. Dad did not want to go to a home and Mom felt as long as she could take care of him, there was no need. The last few years were hard on her. I didn't realize how much she did until we drove them to Chicago for my nephew's wedding. I was exhausted at the end of the weekend and she did it every day!

A few years ago Mom took Dad to the hospital because he was awake, but really wasn't responding to anyone. He often seemed stoned out of his gourd! At one point, he appeared to be measuring things with his oxygen hose. When I asked what he was doing, it startled him like he just realized there were people in the room. He had a low grade fever. Never even got to 100, but a nurse said she had seen elderly do weird things even with a low temp. When the fever broke, he started responding again. Just another thing to consider...