Wilbur ★ Posted July 17, 2019 Share #1 Posted July 17, 2019 I have a great aunt who is now late 80's. About 15 years ago, she had a major stroke and has been hospitalized since. She has had about 20 mini-strokes since and she has associated dementia. She doesn't recognize her husband who is 20 years her junior. He is dedicated and visits three times a day to feed her meals he cooks at home. It has been three years since any of her four children have visited her. Her husband had to leave his job and sell the house to support himself while being a caretaker. His life, has been dramatically altered and he does question his own dedication. At what point do you let them be a ward of the state? Or do you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parr8hed Posted July 17, 2019 Share #2 Posted July 17, 2019 My dad made me promise to him that if he ever got like that I would take him out behind the barn and shoot him. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilbur ★ Posted July 17, 2019 Author Share #3 Posted July 17, 2019 6 minutes ago, Parr8hed said: My dad made me promise to him that if he ever got like that I would take him out behind the barn and shoot him. I have told my kids that as well. If I can't look after myself, I won't have any dignity. I will arrange my own way out though. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dottleshead ★ Posted July 17, 2019 Share #4 Posted July 17, 2019 These are hard questions. I suppose it depends on the individual and whether they can live with themselves. The guy is honoring his commitments. But if he eased away nobody could fault him. Certainly not Newt Gingrich. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtyhip Posted July 17, 2019 Share #5 Posted July 17, 2019 That is a tough one. Will guilt consume him after that? Dementia is terrible. It makes people mean and violent. It is equally scary for the person living with it. Imagine not knowing what is going on and losing control of your life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephyr Posted July 17, 2019 Share #6 Posted July 17, 2019 I saw an interview with an old skipper who still visits his wife every day and she hasnt known whk he is for years. When asked why, because she does not know him, he simply replied, "When you look at her, you see an old woman with dementia, when I look at her, I see the woman I married 60 years ago." That is a tough one. I wont know what I would do until it happens to me. My mom has a sister who no longer knows her and she still visits regularly. I have an uncle that I was close to growing up that I saw the last time I was home, and it was the first time he didn't know me. When mom told him I was me, he said no, "J" was a boy, not a man. It was hard. I don't know if I will go back 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Karen_Cooper_Incident Posted July 17, 2019 Share #7 Posted July 17, 2019 I would like to think I would do anything for Pat but I am not under the same situation now. I would hope I follow this man's path if I find myself in his shoes. He sounds like a fantastic person. If I stroke out at the keyboard, which is likely to happen, I hope Pat gracefully walks away with a young dude. I have come to the realization In not really worth the effort. ? Shoot me behind P8's barn. Keep the body away from AWWC. That dude knows voodoo. Shu Fang 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Airehead Posted July 17, 2019 Popular Post Share #8 Posted July 17, 2019 I watched my dad care for my mom when others may have put their loved one in a health care setting. He said it brought him peace. I dont think you can fault a person's choices one way or the other. Love is funny that way. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisL Posted July 17, 2019 Share #9 Posted July 17, 2019 Yeah I don’t know, that’s a tough one. I honestly never expected to live that long and never gave it much thought as it relates to my wife or me... My wife is 4 years younger than me so hopefully it’s a decision she will have to make and not me... My mom was losing it towards the end but she still knew us. Had she totally lost it we probably would still care for her. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randomguy Posted July 17, 2019 Share #10 Posted July 17, 2019 2 hours ago, Parr8hed said: My dad made me promise to him that if he ever got like that I would take him out behind the barn and shoot him. What was it like to shoot your dad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddmaxx ★ Posted July 17, 2019 Share #11 Posted July 17, 2019 What's that phrase you promise at the wedding? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilbur ★ Posted July 17, 2019 Author Share #12 Posted July 17, 2019 8 minutes ago, maddmaxx said: What's that phrase you promise at the wedding? "divorce"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisL Posted July 17, 2019 Share #13 Posted July 17, 2019 Just now, wilbur said: "divorce"? I had an old boss that would say, I’m looking for my next ex wife... I haven’t spoken to him in a few months but he married about 10 years ago, marriage was on the rocks as of 2 years ago... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilbur ★ Posted July 17, 2019 Author Share #14 Posted July 17, 2019 1 minute ago, ChrisL said: I had an old boss that would say, I’m looking for my next ex wife... I haven’t spoken to him in a few months but he married about 10 years ago, marriage was on the rocks as of 2 years ago... Yeah, the obligation of marriage is lost on many. It isn't what I would want but in my aunts case, her husband has a very low quality of life. He is sacrificing his life, for her. It just makes one wonder if that really makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisL Posted July 17, 2019 Share #15 Posted July 17, 2019 I just remembered that my moms younger brother is living with a similar situation. My aunt is really difficult, always has been and is hard to be around. She’s a bully and has a quick temper. Apparently dementia has made her impossible to deal with. She misplaces things or thinks she has items she doesn’t and then verbally & physically abuses my uncle for losing things she never had... They are both in their late 80’s and they both went into an assisted living facility but live separately as she needs more care and is too much for my uncle to handle. During a visit a couple of years ago I remember my cousin, their oldest son, hoping his mom would just pass so his dad could live his final years in peace but it seems he has peace now and can visit as he pleases. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
12string Posted July 17, 2019 Share #16 Posted July 17, 2019 honoring a commitment or caring for someone you love? Though there is help available so he doesn't have to give up everything. When my dad's Parkinson's got the best of him, he thought my mother was his caretaker, not his wife (I think he just remembered her as younger). He was so upset with himself for having an affair with his caretaker. He once told her she could finish her coffee, but never use that mug again, it was Louise's favorite. He cleaned it and hid it (not well). And he would tell her stories about his Louise. It was so wonderful for her to hear him say things about her that he would never have said to her i person. Whenever we took her out of the house for a few hours, he would recognize her when she got home. He was so happy to see her after all the time away. He would put his arms around her and tell us it was time for us to go home. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randomguy Posted July 17, 2019 Share #17 Posted July 17, 2019 1 hour ago, wilbur said: Yeah, the obligation of marriage is lost on many. It isn't what I would want but in my aunts case, her husband has a very low quality of life. He is sacrificing his life, for her. It just makes one wonder if that really makes sense. In his case, it doesn’t. Sad to say, but it ruined two lives. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Longjohn ★ Posted July 17, 2019 Popular Post Share #18 Posted July 17, 2019 My wife’s mind works great. She claims she has chemo brain (a real thing) but she never forgets an appointment or birthday. It’s a lot of work taking care of her but she deserves it. Hopefully she will get better. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Further Posted July 17, 2019 Share #19 Posted July 17, 2019 Death do you part... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddmaxx ★ Posted July 18, 2019 Share #20 Posted July 18, 2019 2 hours ago, Longjohn said: My wife’s mind works great. She claims she has chemo brain (a real thing) but she never forgets an appointment or birthday. It’s a lot of work taking care of her but she deserves it. Hopefully she will get better. Chemo brain is definitely a real thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrapr ★ Posted July 18, 2019 Share #21 Posted July 18, 2019 5 hours ago, Longjohn said: My wife’s mind works great. She claims she has chemo brain (a real thing) but she never forgets an appointment or birthday. It’s a lot of work taking care of her but she deserves it. Hopefully she will get better. I'm doing my part over here. Praying hard. More pictures of her & Grandkids would help Mom & Dad were in Memory care for 10-17 months. One woman had been there for like 12 years. Her husband would come every meal then sit with her in her room after. That was some dedication 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Longjohn ★ Posted July 18, 2019 Popular Post Share #22 Posted July 18, 2019 3 hours ago, Scrapr said: I'm doing my part over here. Praying hard. More pictures of her & Grandkids would help 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Longjohn ★ Posted July 18, 2019 Popular Post Share #23 Posted July 18, 2019 One of my favorite photos from when we were younger and healthy This was when we first became friends. We hadn’t started dating yet. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prophet Zacharia Posted July 18, 2019 Share #24 Posted July 18, 2019 My mother’s paramour divorced his first (I think) wife after she developed schizophrenia. I understand that, the illness had changed the fundamental characteristics of her personality towards him. As a result, she probably wanted little to do with him as well. That would be two lives wasted for 50 + years. Dementia? After living a life together? I think you provide the care you can, get the assistance you can, keep them at home as long as you can, then visit as often as you can if they need to be moved into a nursing facility. That doesn’t have to be 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, but as long as that’s meaningful to him I think that’s fantastic. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shootingstar Posted July 18, 2019 Share #25 Posted July 18, 2019 1 hour ago, Prophet Zacharia said: My mother’s paramour divorced his first (I think) wife after she developed schizophrenia. I understand that, the illness had changed the fundamental characteristics of her personality towards him. As a result, she probably wanted little to do with him as well. That would be two lives wasted for 50 + years. Dementia? After living a life together? I think you provide the care you can, get the assistance you can, keep them at home as long as you can, then visit as often as you can if they need to be moved into a nursing facility. That doesn’t have to be 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, but as long as that’s meaningful to him I think that’s fantastic. Hard to know what one would do. It would help a lot if the person who has dementia was not violent. That is a safety matter. If I had dementia....I would like to be visited every day. I would want a family/close friend advocate for me. Wouldn't you? Even if I didn't have dementia either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
team scooter Posted July 18, 2019 Share #26 Posted July 18, 2019 My wife is terrified watching her 86 year old mom decline, fearing the same will happen to her. Her father died many years ago. Her mom no longer recognizes anyone. Often becomes violent. Wife has bruises to prove it. None of her siblings will offer to help except her younger brother (48 years old and never really had a job) is living there. He is doing what he can, basically keeping her from burning the house down, but doesn't offer the care she really needs. Mrs goes over once a week to shower her and clean things up but it has become too much. The plan is to sell her house and use that money to put her in a care facility. But that money will run out in 18 months. Then what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilbur ★ Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share #27 Posted July 18, 2019 My father had dementia and his care almost killed my mother, even with the help of family and public nurses. None of us gave up though. Fortunately, he did not become violent in any way. It wasn't in his nature at any point in his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Longjohn ★ Posted July 18, 2019 Share #28 Posted July 18, 2019 16 minutes ago, team scooter said: But that money will run out in 18 months. Then what? Medicare Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
groupw Posted July 18, 2019 Share #29 Posted July 18, 2019 A good friend’s mom had Dementia. Her dad took care of her until it got to be too much. He placed her in a care home with a very good Dementia staff. Shortly after, he had 2 strokes within a couple months and could no longer drive. He opted for an assisted living facility about 15 miles from his wife. He would take a bus to see her a couple times per week. He just couldn’t be there more often because it broke his heart. However, my friend said when she would go with her dad, she wouldn’t recognize anyone, but the moment he would speak, she would fixate all her attention on him. They seemed to fall in love for the first time again and again. She passed away a couple years ago. He is still doing pretty well. My friend and her brother live several states away. She will sometimes ask me to check on him if he has technical or mechanical issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kzoo Posted July 18, 2019 Share #30 Posted July 18, 2019 6 hours ago, Longjohn said: Medicare This for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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