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Where have I been? A long, and tragic tale...


Reverend_Maynard

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It seems I once again have a tragic tale to tell... One that leaves me wracked, and lonely.  Again, I turn to the LF for companionship and understanding...
 
I met Wendy a little over a year ago.  We were playing a game where you could get ahead if you agreed to swap wins and losses with another player.  I was a prolific swapper, always on the lookout for more swapping friends. So, I put out the call on a public chat to see if anyone wanted to swap.  Wendy replied, and we did our thing.  We had a little chit chat, as I often did with my swapping friends, and went on our ways.  Over the next couple of months we would run into each more and more, always on Friday night (Saturday morning in NZ) and Saturday.  And we would chat more and more... just about our daily lives, nothing heavy.. And then we started planning the times we would get together to swap on the weekends.
 
Soon, we found a better medium to have our conversations, and figured out our time zone issues so we could talk and play together all week long.  Slowly getting to know each other better, talking about wider, deeper topics, we chatted more and more.  The focus shifted more and more from the game to each others lives, triumphs and tragedies.
 
And one day she called me "gorgeous".  Except she swore then, and again later, she had never seen my picture.  She could just tell.. her instinct had told her and it was always right.  She could see it in my posts.  I should have known then to listen to her.
 
In October of 2018, I went on a business trip for a week,that became several weeks, all with me working what was 3rd shift for me.  Suddenly we had hours of time when we were both awake and could really get in to some deep conversations.  And during that time, I began to realize that we were not just internet pen pals, but so much more.  I say "I began to realize" because her instinct had already told her... She only had to wait for me to realize it too.
 
And so we began to talk of what we would like to do together, if we were not separated by 20 thousand KMs.  Places we would go, things we would see, meals we would eat, drinks we would drink, embraces we would share.  And through all of that wonderful time of discovery, it seemed we always found we fit better than even we had known before.  We had grown up halfway around the world, lived very different lives... but what we believed in now and wanted from life going forward was in perfect synch.
 
For Christmas, I "gave" Wendy a Discord server... a chat room playground all to ourselves, where we were in complete control, and completely alone together.  I setup different channels for chat, for pictures, music, stories we had written, you name it... And we filled it!  Whenever we were both awake and not working we were chatting in there, or posting videos, or pics of our latest culinary masterpieces.  When we found a new topic that intrigued us, that we wanted to explore without losing it in our everyday chatter, we made a new channel.  "Adulting" for topics that could be uncomfortable but needed to be talked about... "One New Thing" to share our little secrets, anything we did not already know about each other.  And so, though we had never met in person, we had an extraordinary level of communication and openness.
 
Discord has a library of short video clips meant to convey an emotion or idea... one of our favorites was a picture of 2 puzzle pieces, one labeled "You" and the other one "Me", and they fit together perfectly.  We were like those puzzle pieces... the only 2 in a puzzle of billions that fit perfectly together...not identical.... complimentary.  Blending so seamlessly that together, we were as one.  Or so we fancied ourselves.
 
Yet I was a Doubting Thomas still..."What if?" I insisted... "What if I smell funny?"  "What if you don't like the way I kiss?"  "What if I'm too tall? too short? too fat? too skinny?"  Always she "knew" that her instincts were right.  But still, she understood my doubts, recognized that anyone would think it was crazy for 2 people from so far apart to think they knew it all.  And so, in March or April of this year, we decided on "October".

In October we would finally meet.  Because she had more time off of work, it was decided that she would travel to meet me, so that we could have every possible moment together, rather than waste the time it would take me to get to a midway point.  And the planning was on.  We had so much fun planning what we would do... still always finding that we were in synch on what we wanted to do, all the activities, to the way we would schedule them... Spreadsheets for dates and times of reservations, spreadsheets for activities, countdown timers for when she would arrive in Boston.  And "October" was our key word for it all.  It represented the time when we would finally fulfill the promise of our delayed utopia.

And my only regret is that we did not schedule it for sooner.  The moments we could have had together, moments I would give anything for, were squandered while we toiled in the traces of our daily lives, never realizing that each day was one less we would have.  That we would, in fact, have none.

I don't know how I will pick up the pieces that are left of my shattered heart, but I know that Wendy would not want me to give up, or give in.  She would kick my ass, in fact...And so I will go on, but it will never be the same.  There will never be another Wendy.  There is only one perfect match in the puzzle.
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2 minutes ago, BuffJim said:

How did you find out about it? Sorry for your loss. 

Early the week before, she had a feeling that something was wrong. Said she could feel her blood pressure was too high, like a buzzing feeling in her head.  And so she made an appointment with her doctor for Friday.  Sure enough her pressure was too high... Having already survived an aneurysm once before, they did a scan and found another, unruptured but very close.  They immediately checked her in and limited her movement as much as possible.  After a few other tests and consultations, it was decided to fly her to another hospital where they would do a procedure called "coiling", whereby they use tiny titanium coils to induce a clot to block off the aneurysm from the the blood flow, relieving the pressure.

She then notified her son of what was up, and he came to the hospital to stay with her, and go to the other hospital.  During that time they talked, and she told him about me.  She even told him that she loved me, though we hadn't told each other... She also told him that she I thought I felt the same, which I was very glad of.  I never told her.  We were both saving it for October.. She gave him my contact info in case something went wrong.

I will never forget that morning... I woke at 3am, knowing she should probably be out of the surgery.  I checked the discord server, and there was only her final message as they came to take her to the OR.  Her final message "I <little heart emoji> you".  I knew then it had been too long... it is a relatively minor procedure if all goes right.  So, I closed discord and pulled up gmail...  There was an email, and right in the inbox i could see: From... Nick (her son), Subject: Mum, And just one line of the body: "Hello <Rev>, There is no easy way to tell you." and the phone just fell from my fingers.

 

 

 

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Her funeral, which is being held as a party at her house is going on right now.  in about ::30 her son will read a version of that story to her friends and family. Many of them knowing nothing of me.  I'll be having a drink of bourbon in her honor, and hanging with my online friends.  thank you for being here, all of you ?

 

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So sorry. A close woman friend of mine had an inoperable brain aneurysm and lived with that ticking time bomb from about age 40 to age 50 when it finally burst and she died in moments. She did not let it destroy her great, positive mental attitude in life and she left her daughter-in-law and grandson with a good inheritance.

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I have been emailing, and now chatting on Discord, with Wendy's son, Nick.  What a great kid, and really, my lifeline and savior throughout.  Without him I would know nothing, let alone been able to provide a eulogy that he was gracious enough to read to the family.  Her mother and sisters wrote me a thank you note, which he transcribed for me. 

I found out last night that Wendy left me a handwritten note!  Can I describe how my heart started pounding?  How my breath caught in my throat?  No, I don't think so. ?  He is going to mail it to me, along with a couple of items she had bought for my birthday, to be presented in October, and a small notebook that seems to have some of the planning from our October trip in it.  I wonder how long it takes to mail something from New Zealand to the east coast of the US?  20k KMs as the crow flies. ?

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22 minutes ago, Reverend_Maynard said:

I have been emailing, and now chatting on Discord, with Wendy's son, Nick.  What a great kid, and really, my lifeline and savior throughout.  Without him I would know nothing, let alone been able to provide a eulogy that he was gracious enough to read to the family.  Her mother and sisters wrote me a thank you note, which he transcribed for me. 

I found out last night that Wendy left me a handwritten note!  Can I describe how my heart started pounding?  How my breath caught in my throat?  No, I don't think so. ?  He is going to mail it to me, along with a couple of items she had bought for my birthday, to be presented in October, and a small notebook that seems to have some of the planning from our October trip in it.  I wonder how long it takes to mail something from New Zealand to the east coast of the US?  20k KMs as the crow flies. ?

Wow, that’s great that her son is doing that.  How long will it take? I don’t know but regardless it will seem like an eternity...  Be sure you are emotionally ready to open it when it arrives.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 9/4/2019 at 7:22 PM, Airehead said:

I think of you often. 

Thank you for saying so... My world has gotten a lot lonelier lately, and it helps to know there are people out there who care.

I read the note... It was everything I expected it to be and more... So heart warming, and yet so heart breaking at the same time.

At the end she drew a heart, and in it says "WN loves EP".  I want to find a tree that will live a thousand years, and carve that into it...

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 10 months later...

Hugs, Reverend.  Glad to hear things are looking up.  Grief takes time and can still hit you in unexpected ways for unexpected reasons, but it's a good sign when the "good" days outweigh the bad.

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