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Square Wheels Cycling

Why don't I care?


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I wish I had a good answer for you. I have stood looking out of my patio door and said...if this is all there is to my life...you can take me any day.

Unfortunately not everything is in our control..I think we are challenged to live the best life we can given our circumstances. Depression is one of many nasty challenges..

A faith in a power greater me helps...sometimes...other times life is a hard slog.

You may not find joy in your past but you are in a loving relationship and have raised your own family...

Finding a good talk therapist might just help you with this struggle..emphasis on good...recommendations and an initial meeting or two..research a therapist like you do a new car or bicycle.

Keeping you in my prayers and sending you hugs...life is hard.

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There are some days that I get up just to go to work and earn the money that I need to pay my expenses.  I don't consider work "fun" but I like this job more than I've liked most I've had.  Plus there are a number of nice people at work who help me when I ask for help.   But then there are other days that I really just enjoy -  days like this past weekend away that were restful and helped renew my soul.  I had time to just sit and enjoy the sights and sounds around me.   Even on my less good days, there are little things that make me smile - like the sounds my cat makes when he sleeps or how much he enjoys his little rat toy.

Have you ever read the cartoon blog - Hyperbole and a Half?  The author did a two part entry about her experience with depression that some friends of mine who have dealt with depression said did a good job of describing their experience (even if it was in a cartoon form).

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

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41 minutes ago, Further said:

5 minutes of fun next Tuesday beats 100 years of being dead.

Fun is fun!  Agreed.  On the other hand, maybe being dead kicks ass, who knows?  (answer: not a damn person alive has any fucking clue what happens after death)

21 minutes ago, jsharr said:

I do it for my family.  Life is hard. I dont want to live forever 

I don't want to live forever, either, not when I am decomposing the way I am.

58 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

If I were told I had a terminal illness and will die in two weeks, at first I'd be relieved it was finally over, but then there'd be the stress of cleaning up the life I've made

I would feel bad for RO, but otherwise would look at terminal PRI as just another adventure.  Not to be a Debbie Downer, but other than a long death spiral, it would be fun to look into a black hole, or to become a being of pure energy, or any other fantastical idea of what happens to us or our consciousness after we kick off.

On the other other hand, there are massively great days, and those keep you going.  I like your idea of spending on yourself, getting a fancified car and such, and enjoying some of your income.

Serious answer, though, what if you retired early, as in now?  Just say "fuck it, I don't need the stress", could you do that?  Perhaps if you didn't always have to be somewhere at some time you could just 'be' and be somewhat more content.  You could retire from veganism, too that sounds like a massive stressor.  Maybe you could just do yogurt with DH all day, or swim instead of run, or just go for hikes in the woods instead of runs or rides if you aren't digging on them.  Canoeing could be cool.  Maybe you would enjoy life more if you got fat and jolly?  Just tossing ideas around.

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I have lots of physical problems that are extremely depressing at times.  But I still love to ride a bike and it is one of the few activities that I can still do somewhat well that doesn't cause excessive physical pain.  For this, I am very thankful.  At some point on almost every ride, I push my limits to a significant extent and I think about the possibility of dying as a result.  When it's my time, I can't think of a better way to go than to have a massive coronary while riding my bike.  :)

The thought of dying from a lingering and painful illness is my biggest fear.  There are things much worse than death.   

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2 hours ago, maddmaxx said:

Getting up every day to begin a new adventure, good or bad, but new all the same.

maddmaxx

Because it's there.  

George Mallory

You really are sick.

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I get up in the morning because that is what I do.  That is the best answer I've got.

As far as loved ones, I don't have many I am close with anymore, so basically, if you don't live in my house, not a big deal.

The rest of what you wrote, sounds about right.  Though I don't take medication other than a few months where my anxiety issues were to much for me to handle, but I don't have depression issues because as my wife would say, that is a feeling and I am often devoid of them.

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Why do I get up in the morning? 

I get up because I’m blessed to create another day’s story. 

You have a monk-like level of non-attachment to the things of the world. A benefit of the way of peaceful consuming  you’ve been enjoying. The abundant life has its own energy, incomparable to the expectations of standard life, toxic life, preservative life, chemical life. Clean eating and physical discipline have rewarded you with non-attachment. And that’s a place many seek. 

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I like Kirby’s answer, to take pleasure in the small things that are all around you. I always say I am a cheap date, in that I can amuse myself quite cheaply and easily. 

 I also read an article recently that said a lot of men’s happiness comes from job satisfaction, from being useful. My job definitely has good and bad days, and it makes a huge difference in how I feel.  Basically, insanity makes me crazy!

Retaarment is a big issue.  You could probably retaar fairly soon so you should think about that.  It is an issue if we really do get a lot of our happiness from job satisfaction, something has to replace that.  For me, I am hoping just getting out of the rat race and slowing down to my natural pace will keep me busy just existing.  :)

Not giving a crap is not always a bad thing, either!

 

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Emotions are hard. I am often criticized by family members and my spouse for my seeming lack of emotional response. It's not that I bottle it up or completely lack emotions. I've cried, been overjoyed, crippled with anxiety. 

For me the response of non-emotional reaction is what works best. Why expend the energy? I don't look at it as a end result. It is a coping mechanism to continue. The times emotion gets me is the reason I keep going. 

Look for little wins. The easy things to take joy or accomplishment in. From there expand a bit on new sensations. Eventually you will at least on the surface act like a real live boy. It gets easier when you acknowledge it and look for solutions. SO you're going the right direction. 

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Reading this was tough.  I wish you felt better and could get some relief for your health stuff.  I know this is why you are so unhappy.

To answer your question, I get up, because to not is to give in.  My belief is that I will not go gently into that goodnight.  I rage.  I rage against the dying of the light.  

My inner flame burns, and I hope I can keep it illuminated.  My MS and health has been acting less than optimal.  Doc wanted to give me paxil for the hot flashes.  Fuck?!!? Like, get addicted to some anti-depressant?  EEK?  I am trying Clary Calm now, and hoping that helps.  The non-pharm route is like natural bug killers.  They don't work quite so well.  So, I went to the lady doc, paid for an appt, and I basically will not fill my script now.  What a waste of "however much money this is gonna cost."  It is draining.

BUT, The sun is in the sky.  We are breathing,  Does death really seem that much better?  Seems boring.  I can't stand one hour of nothing, and that is eternity.  ?  I guess I will learn what it is like to be a tree someday.  

I am just rambling here, but know that we care about you.  Life is worth fighting for. 

 

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I get up, because I really like coasting.  I have not coasted enough places.  Now, we my man is talking about putting me on a mountainbike motorcycle. I guess that should be fun, once I get past the acceptance part and the shame. My ego has an identity.  I call her Alisha, with strong emphasis on the ish.

There are so many fun things to do and try.  Even this painting thing.  I have not tried the Farrah style.  Seriously, so many things to try.  Have not even been to Burning Man. 

So many things to do, see, try, and taste. 

 

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Believe it or not, my life is not a bowl of cherries and rose petals.  Domestic bliss does not exist.  Anger is just a symptom of a deeper problem and I find myself angry and transferring aggression quite a bit lately.

As I was thinking about this while getting ready today, I came up with the following.  We need somewhere to serve and a greater good to believe in.  Even in my darkest days when I thought my marriage was over and I was taking counseling and involved in Celebrate Recovery, I found happiness in serving others.

I am involved in Scouts because it allows me to get out of my self pity and self doubt and loneliness and anger and serve others.  I get lost in the act of service and I forget my own troubles for a bit.  They come back, but at least for that short while, they are gone.

So I guess my advice to Wheels is find someplace to serve and give back.  See if that helps.  Think about something that gives you at least some joy and see if you can turn that into some sort of service opportunity.   I can only speak for me, but when I give to others of my time and talents, I get so much more back.  And it feels good to be valued for your service.   

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I think most, if not all, experience depression to varying degrees and at differing times throughout their lives.  I’ve had mine. There have been times when I honestly believed that those whom I care about would be better off without me around. There have been several times in my life when I’ve honestly considered pulling the trigger.  But when it came right down to it, I did not have the courage to do so. And upon deeper, and very honest, reflection later when I was in a better state of mind, I discovered that I truly didn’t want to die.

I’ve written poetry over the course of my life. If someone who didn’t know me were to read it all, they’d get the impression that life was one hell of a roller coaster ride with souring highs and intense soul crushing lows. For me, writing is a way of release. It is cathartic. And it allows me to see things later for what they were when I wrote them.  Here’s what I have discovered. Life IS a roller coaster ride. There are extreme highs and extreme lows. And there are times when there seems to be nothing. But the beauty outweighs the despair. The glory of living is greater than the doldrums of reflection.

When I listen to the laughter of one of my grandchildren, or feel the warmth of my wife as she lies beside me at night, or listen to the nighttime chorus on a late autumn night or watch the sun come up in the morning in all his blazing glory as I drive into work, I am thankful for the breath I took that moment. My wife and I were driving home Saturday through the remnants of a passing shower. And we were treated with one of the most vibrant rainbows I’ve seen in a while. And I commented to her, “though I understand the science behind such a beautiful vision, I am thankful for the magic my heart still feels at the experience of such a display!” And we were out walking later that evening about midnight, and gazing up into the silver sheen of this harvest’s full moon  I commented to her, “I pray I never lose the wonder I feel every time I witness this.”  SW, I hear the arias and of the great sopranos, and I literally weep. The beauty overwhelms me. I view the Shenandoah valley from atop one of the surrounding peaks in the park, and my heart soars. Literally, it feels as if it will leave my chest.  When the owls begin their calling in the late evening hours and I am listening, I am transported to another time, when the world was young. I hear the ancient sounds and they fill my soul with awe. 

SW, I believe that there will be wonderous beauty the likes of which “no eye has seen or ear heard”, waiting on the other side of this mortal life. I believe I have the promise of my heart’s desire and I look forward to that. However, I also believe deeply that the beauty I seek in life exists right here as well, that the glory of living is the breath of the One from whom life flows to begin with and that breath exists in all of creation. I cannot look upon the wonders of nature or the beauty of the cosmos or even the great works of humankind and not see the hand of the Creator. Yes, there is ugliness in life. There is atrocity that spans the record of humanity. And it would be truly egregious to deny that such exists. But even in our tribulation, I see the beauty of the human spirit and the sheer will of life itself to survive and flourish and to create. And I see hope - the hope of restoration of all things in the One I call Christ.

Yes, even when I am down now, I am thankful for the breath I take; the life I have been given and they marvelous creation that surrounds me. I choose to see these things. I hope you can find it as well.

 

Peace.

 

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12 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

I hate exercising, I hate running, I hate the gym, I hate riding, but for some reason do it anyhow.

I get the "hate running" part ?, and I know longer rides are frustrating because the need to stop pretty often, but do you get any sort of endorphin rush from exercise?  I find exercise does give me a pretty big mental boost.  I can honestly say, if given $10million bucks, I would quite happily pick a couple cabins in the woods, and spend the rest of my life cycling backroads & fire roads, and hiking wooded trails (among other things).

12 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

I've taken every combination of psychotropic drug out there, no relief at all.  I've had more therapy than anyone I've ever met, no help there either.

I can only recommend trying the wacky weed route that has been suggested before (edibles are easiest), since I can't think of a reason - at your current crossroads - not to try it.

12 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

I hear people here, people in life, and people on TV shows make statements like, every day above ground is a good day.

That is "true-ish" but not the same as "every day is easy or enjoyable", since it mainly, to me, shows you are still in the game and can get to where you need/want to be.  Are you really happy with ALL aspects of your life that you control?  I know most folks are not, and that's really the only place you can apply a focus to create positive change.  When was the last vacation you took, where/what was it, and how did it turn out?  I'd use that one (or a different favorite(s) or big highlight) to triangulate where you should be spending the second half of your life.  Living in the rat race, even if you think you like/love it, is poison.  Find the things you like to do, and start dedicating your life to YOU. Your wife is clearly a very capable woman, so it's not like you are letting her down, and your kids are now adults (didn't the youngest just graduate?), and can build some of their own independence.  

Find the stuff you control that makes you happy & go with it, and shed the stuff that doesn't.  Why hang on to that stuff if you don't have to?  You've got several decades left, and have paid your dues. Now go reap the benefits from working for years.

 

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3 hours ago, jsharr said:

You really are sick.

If I didn't feel that way why would I get up.  I don't have to go to work.  My paychecks will come in anyway.  In fact they will continue to come in after I'm gone in one form or another.  That leaves getting up to do something.  The secret lab fills a need.  Riding fills a need during riding season. I have a long way to go yet.

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16 minutes ago, maddmaxx said:

If I didn't feel that way why would I get up.  I don't have to go to work.  My paychecks will come in anyway.  In fact they will continue to come in after I'm gone in one form or another.  That leaves getting up to do something.  The secret lab fills a need.  Riding fills a need during riding season. I have a long way to go yet.

More power to you brother.  I am not joking whenever I post this Godfathers video.  The American dream of the white picket fence and 2 kids and a dog is not how my reality turned out.  All of it is my fault.  No blame, just my version of reality.
 

 

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7 minutes ago, jsharr said:

The American dream of the white picket fence and 2 kids and a dog

I think, if PZ is willing, we can help SW with that dream.  He has the house and kids.  Just need the dog.  This one seems LOW KEY and AWESOME:

image.png.72cfe77279c435b8b5d87b472a5dbb1e.png

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8 minutes ago, jsharr said:

More power to you brother.  I am not joking whenever I post this Godfathers video.  The American dream of the white picket fence and 2 kids and a dog is not how my reality turned out.  All of it is my fault.  No blame, just my version of reality.
 

 

Most people were fed that propaganda of white picket fence crap and most never realize it. It took me 50 years to reach it, and now that I am here, I can't wait to get out of it. Don't fault yourself. It was a load of crap to begin with.

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2 minutes ago, Old#7 said:

I get up everyday to stick it to the man. No other reason. Sometimes the man wins, most days I win. I fight every day; and I enjoy it.

It's important to have goals.

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2 minutes ago, Old#7 said:

I get up everyday to stick it to the man. No other reason. Sometimes the man wins, most days I win. I fight every day; and I enjoy it.

I think this is as good of response as any. ?

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13 hours ago, wilbur said:

It isn't hard for the dead, it is hard for those who survive them.

This.

I have an idea what's in store for me, and I'm ready to go at any time.  But I know there's a lot of people around me who aren't ready for me to go yet.  

Not that I find myself looking for reasons to get up each morning, that's a thought process I just can't fathom, but I know people go through it.  Hang in there.  You are valued.

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10 hours ago, Dirtyhip said:

.  My belief is that I will not go gently into that goodnight.  I rage.  I rage against the dying of the light.  

My inner flame burns, and I hope I can keep it illuminated. 

And this is why DH is awesome   ?  

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On 9/15/2019 at 9:55 PM, Square Wheels said:

We got whacked by the IRS a while back for almost 50k, I was outraged, but it felt fake.  It's just money.

What is the story there?

I was not raised well, I had almost no guidance in life, and I have terrible coping mechanisms, so losing loved ones is often beyond what I can handle.

I was raised well, and probably wouldn't have taken guidance if it was crammed up my ass and shoved out through my mouth.  I am way open to guidance now, having done everything wrong.

If I were told I had a terminal illness and will die in two weeks, at first I'd be relieved it was finally over, but then there'd be the stress of cleaning up the life I've made.  Dealing with wills, giving stuff away, selling stuff...  I'm worth a lot of money dead, so people will be well off without me.  

A lot of people feel the same, except that quite a few people aren't worth much more dead than alive.

I hate exercising, I hate running, I hate the gym.

Most of humanity feels the same.

 

You aren't so different from most folks, after all!

I want to hear about the IRS thing.

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11 hours ago, Randomguy said:

I want to hear about the IRS thing.

My wife was (and still is) doing our taxes.  It seems she made a few errors.  We got super lucky and they only went back 2 years, otherwise, it would have been much worse.

I know everyone has their pain and trouble, part of my problem is I have no coping skills, other than to give up.  I don't believe in the one upsmanship of pain, we all suffer.

I will likely give up one day, not sure when, not today, but one day.

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