Just me or would this bother you?

[ChrisL]

Daughters birthday is coming up and she tells WOChrisL there was a cookie jar at IKEA she would like for her birthday.  It’s shaped like a mason jar (which she loves) with a sealed flip top.  SIL’s mom is there when she said this to my wife.

So daughters MIL says to my wife, don’t get her that,  we already got her a cookie jar & shows her a giant pineapple shaped one. She then shows my wife the pots, pans, plates, glasses & silverware she bought them. My daughter already said she wanted her grandmothers silverware set and hadn’t yet decided what plates & such she wants but does love mason jar mugs which the ones purchased for her aren’t.  

I know she means well but it seems to me a couple moving into their 1st place will want to pick out the furnishings THEY want, not what someone else thinks they want or what the MIL would want.  We bought them a bed as a house warming gift but let them pick out the bed they liked.  

When they were painting the interior MIL picked out a color for a feature wall, bought paint  and painted a big blotch on the wall.  She asked me what I thought of the wall? Not my house, not my wall, my opinion has no bearing here and neither does yours.  Daughter was like, WTF is this? Uh NO.  Just like the “India” wedding they insisted they have which they never wanted.. 

It does bother me how that family decides what they should have instead of letting them decide.

OK I got it off my chest...

 

[Kzoo]

Yeah it should bother you a bit but... Where’s your son in law?  I understand it might be a cultural thing but Is this job to honor your daughters wishes in this.  At some point he has to tell mom to get out.

[groupw]

Yeah. They seem overbearing. Does SIL stand up for his wife? Or Mom? 

[Randomguy]

Yikes.  Kill her.

[ChrisL]

11 minutes ago, Kzoo said:

Yeah it should bother you a bit but... Where’s your son in law?  I understand it might be a cultural thing but Is this job to honor your daughters wishes in this.  At some point he has to tell mom to get out.

 

11 minutes ago, groupw said:

Yeah. They seem overbearing. Does SIL stand up for his wife? Or Mom? 

He’s caught between a rock & hard place. He let his mom do everything for him growing up and won’t say no to her except when her overbearing nature comes into conflict with his wife/my daughter and it happens frequently.  

[ChrisL]

6 minutes ago, Randomguy said:

Yikes.  Kill her.

My daughters relationship mirrors mine with my MIL...  

[ChrisL]

24 minutes ago, Kzoo said:

Yeah it should bother you a bit but... Where’s your son in law?  I understand it might be a cultural thing but Is this job to honor your daughters wishes in this.  At some point he has to tell mom to get out.

Oh at this point I don’t think he knows she bought them all this stuff... He’s typical dude though in that he doesn’t care about that shit. Whatever my daughter likes is fine with him.

[MoseySusan]

4 hours ago, ChrisL said:

Whatever my daughter likes is fine with him.

It sounds like she needs to like what his mom likes. Yah, it's bothersome. 

And that cookie jar sounds horrible. Who wants a big pineapple?

[petitepedal ★]

I suggest...the young couple decide this now...and tell MIL no specific gifts please we want to make this OUR house.....if that doesn't work consignment shop or garage sale and sell the offending items....life is too short to hang on to items you don't want or need...

Says the woman who was given a room divider and told it would be great on a table I owned to separate the dining room from the natural light coming in the living room ...stuck the damn thing in a corner an draped lights on it...til I found someone who wanted it!!

FYI...I can be dang blunt sometimes and tact sometimes flies out the window...they need to speak up now or it will be a life long struggle!

[ChrisL]

43 minutes ago, petitepedal said:

they need to speak up now or it will be a life long struggle!

Agreed and my daughter does but it doesn’t always work.  Often times daughter will tell her no and MIL will do it anyway.  

[ChrisL]

3 hours ago, roadsue said:

It sounds like she needs to like what his mom likes. Yah, it's bothersome. 

And that cookie jar sounds horrible. Who wants a big pineapple?

Kitchen is small too.... There is no counter space for a big cookie jar which is why she wanted a small one...

[Zealot]

SIL and your daughter need to stand up to the family. It can be done respectfully and civilly. But it needs to happen.  

I was a little blunt on my end when facing this many moons ago. 

[JerrySTL ★]

One of the reasons that we live 350 miles away from family. 

[ChrisL]

1 minute ago, JerrySTL said:

One of the reasons that we live 350 miles away from family. 

Same with my wife. I’m not so sure she came to CA to be with me or to get away from her family.  Maybe a little of both!

 

[Mr. Silly]

10 hours ago, ChrisL said:

 SIL’s mom is there when she said this to my wife.

So daughters MIL says to my wife, don’t get her that,  we already got her a cookie jar & shows her a giant pineapple shaped one.

When did she buy the pineapple cookie jar?  If she purchased it before she learned about your daughter wanting the mason jar cookie jar then you've got to cut her some slack unless you expect her to be clairvoyant.  On the other hand, if she was away of your daughter's preference when she purchased the pineapple cookie jar then you should stab her then beat her with the pineapple.  

[ChrisL]

23 minutes ago, Mr. Silly said:

When did she buy the pineapple cookie jar?  If she purchased it before she learned about your daughter wanting the mason jar cookie jar then you've got to cut her some slack unless you expect her to be clairvoyant.  On the other hand, if she was away of your daughter's preference when she purchased the pineapple cookie jar then you should stab her then beat her with the pineapple.  

Valid point in that she didn’t know but...  I think the bigger issue is let them pick out what they want for their house.   She is just buying a bunch of furnishings without consulting them.  What if they don’t want it/like it? It then puts them in an awkward position & can make them look unappreciative or ungrateful if they return it.  

[Razors Edge ★]

10 hours ago, ChrisL said:

He’s caught between a rock & hard place. He let his mom do everything for him growing up and won’t say no to her except when her overbearing nature comes into conflict with his wife/my daughter and it happens frequently.  

Sadly, that's not really a valid excuse - rock and hard place. There is one rock (his new wife) and the old rock (his mom) is no longer on the same level of priority.  He needs to just STOP enabling the mom NOW or he will be enabling the mom until the marriage ends or someone dies.  

It comes down to him manning up.  Same would be true for the woman if she was wavering between listening to dad or husband.  Parents (and spouses) can be right and wrong, but in a tie break, it should always go to the spouse.  

[Wilbur ★]

It doesn't bother me but it is another step monster in the making.  The son will eventually have to make a choice or his wife will resent being second place. 

[Ltdskilz]

Your daughter's boy-toy needs to grow some stones.

Or they should get to know the consignment store really well.

[ChrisL]

56 minutes ago, Razors Edge said:

Sadly, that's not really a valid excuse - rock and hard place. There is one rock (his new wife) and the old rock (his mom) is no longer on the same level of priority.  He needs to just STOP enabling the mom NOW or he will be enabling the mom until the marriage ends or someone dies.  

It comes down to him manning up.  Same would be true for the woman if she was wavering between listening to dad or husband.  Parents (and spouses) can be right and wrong, but in a tie break, it should always go to the spouse.  

I tend to agree with your point but I only provide snip it’s of the relationship.  I will admit that the relationship with mom & son is odd and the disfunction with his dad & them also plays a part.  My daughter knew this going in and puts her foot down where warranted but does pick her battles with her.  
She has declared the place “her house” and has been pretty adamant about the decor, wall & floor colorings & such. Like the wall color she has told MIL no on many other things regarding the house so She may just tell her to take all the stuff back. SIL manages the finances and just gives her a budget to work with and hasn’t really provided much decor input. But the place looks really nice & I believe he trusts her judgement.

[Kirby]

I'd stay out of it unless daughter asked my opinion, but I agree with Razor's Edge.  If SIL is viewing this as being stuck between two equal forces, then the pineapple cookie jar is the least of the issues. 

 

ETA:  ChisL's last post adds a bit more color to this.  Sounds like MIL will always be an issue, but daughter is up to deal with it.

[Indy]

Sounds to me like your daughter is going to want to kill her mother in law in a couple of years.

Your daughter wants the Mason cookie jar, I'd get her the cookie jar and not worry about what over controlling mother-in-law thinks.

[ChrisL]

1 minute ago, Indy said:

Sounds to me like your daughter is going to want to kill her mother in law in a couple of years.

Your daughter wants the Mason cookie jar, I'd get her the cookie jar and not worry about what over controlling mother-in-law thinks.

Yeah my wife got it for her already but she was kinda pissed about the whole thing...

[Indy]

3 hours ago, ChrisL said:

Agreed and my daughter does but it doesn’t always work.  Often times daughter will tell her no and MIL will do it anyway.  

My mother in law used to do that to my my wife (her daughter).  We've taken a lot of stuff to Goodwill and such still in the original packaging and just don't say anything about it.

[Indy]

1 minute ago, ChrisL said:

Yeah my wife got it for her already but she was kinda pissed about the whole thing...

Not worth being pissed about.  If it was my daughter, I'd tell her to pick her battles, you can sell anything on Facebook market place or donate it.

Her husband needs to handle his mother and make it clear that he lives with his wife and what she wants come first.  I often get caught up in this because my wife can have a strong personality, so it's more of the reverse and have to let her know I support what she wants and just because my Mother says something, doesn't mean we are going to do it.  I just am not going to start a fight with her over trivial things that don't really matter (that doesn't always go over well with my wife, even if she is ultimately getting her way).

[Indy]

10 minutes ago, Kirby said:

I'd stay out of it unless daughter asked my opinion, but I agree with Razor's Edge.  If SIL is viewing this as being stuck between two equal forces, then the pineapple cookie jar is the least of the issues. 

 

ETA:  ChisL's last post adds a bit more color to this.  Sounds like MIL will always be an issue, but daughter is up to deal with it.

If he considers them equal forces, there is a huge issue.  He's living with one, the other just visits.

[smudge ★]

I stopped reading comments about 1/4 way through.

Nope, nope, nope. This is the good ol' USofA in the twenty-first century. It's not about you, mom.

Next question....

[MoseySusan]

FWIW, the Bible says a man must leave his mother and cleave to his wife. I bring this up if only to point out that this power struggle is timeless, perhaps universal. 

And the ancient response is, as @Ltdskilz colorfully suggested, that SIL grow some stones. And let go of mom’s teat. 

[The_Karen_Cooper_Incident]

12 hours ago, Randomguy said:

Yikes.  Kill her.

I'm with this idea 10000 percent. 

Mudkipz 

[Razors Edge ★]

51 minutes ago, roadsue said:

FWIW, the Bible says a man must leave his mother and cleave to his wife. I bring this up if only to point out that this power struggle is timeless, perhaps universal. 

And the ancient response is, as @Ltdskilz colorfully suggested, that SIL grow some stones. And let go of mom’s teat. 

If you have ever met a Jewish mother and her son, you'll know it will be a battle of Biblical proportions!!!

Of course, I think that's also true for many other (all other?) ethnic groups. My Greek friend was insanely "mothered" (killed his marriage eventually), and some of the Indian guys I have worked with seem to interact with their mothers far too frequently for grown & unmarried men.

Mama's boys are out there, for sure, but no one wants to be one when they are grown and staring a family of their own. 

[ChrisL]

36 minutes ago, Razors Edge said:

If you have ever met a Jewish mother and her son, you'll know it will be a battle of Biblical proportions!!!

Of course, I think that's also true for many other (all other?) ethnic groups. My Greek friend was insanely "mothered" (killed his marriage eventually), and some of the Indian guys I have worked with seem to interact with their mothers far too frequently for grown & unmarried men.

Mama's boys are out there, for sure, but no one wants to be one when they are grown and staring a family of their own. 

My wife & I often compare MIL to Bev on the Goldbergs.  She’s not Jewish but is very similar to the over the top mom on the show. He’s also the only child.   He doesn’t ask for or expect the treatment, she just can’t not do it.  It’s really sickening to see her wait on him and him only. She’ll make him a plate or refill his drink without his asking. He’ll tell her no thanks mom, I’ll get it and yet the food or refill comes...  

I think he loves hanging out with us away from her and often times tells her not to come to things that we do as a family like Palm Springs.  He did a lot of work on their home and his dad told me he was absolutely shocked to see him laying floors.  I just told him you would be surprised what they can if you let them do it...  He has really grown over the years and my daughter says the only parent figure he really listens to & respects is me.  But there have been times when I have called him out on things and just tell him unacceptable, fix it, and he does.  But I don’t get in the middle of him & his mom.

Since this thread kinda evolved to SIL, and many assumptions have been made without the full story I’ll just say this.  It’s clear to me his priority is his wife, he just doesn’t know yet how to back his mom off.

[Indy]

1 minute ago, ChrisL said:

He has really grown over the years and my daughter says the only parent figure he really listens to & respects is me. 

You know she's just telling you that out of fear you will shoot him if you knew the truth.  Also the same reason he fixes something after you tell him too, he's afraid you will shoot him.  I find fear to be more than acceptable motivator though.

?

[Dirtyhip]

My overbearing Grandmother gave me a service for 16, in this tacky duck hunting motif. I didn’t like them then and we still use them today. The service is down to about 5 now. Someday I might get plates I like, or maybe I will never be freed from the ugly duck plates. Honestly, after a few years it doesn’t matter what the plate looks like. It matters what you put on the plate for the people you care about. 

In time, the silverware, plates and other home things don’t really matter at all. I don’t think think we have matched linens at the moment. Lol

[smudge ★]

HE is an ONLY CHILD????!!!! 

Doomed.

[Ralphie ★]

1 hour ago, Indy said:

he's afraid you will shoot him

Either that or he heard aboot the pit bull in the chokehold :D

 

[ChrisL]

1 hour ago, Indy said:

You know she's just telling you that out of fear you will shoot him if you knew the truth.  Also the same reason he fixes something after you tell him too, he's afraid you will shoot him.  I find fear to be more than acceptable motivator though.

?

Shoot him, shit I’d kill him with my hands.  

 

16 minutes ago, RalphWaldoMooseworth said:

Either that or he heard aboot the pit bull in the chokehold :DHe

This^^* ?

[ChrisL]

1 hour ago, Dirtyhip said:

My overbearing Grandmother gave me a service for 16, in this tacky duck hunting motif. I didn’t like them then and we still use them today. The service is down to about 5 now. Someday I might get plates I like, or maybe I will never be freed from the ugly duck plates. Honestly, after a few years it doesn’t matter what the plate looks like. It matters what you put on the plate for the people you care about. 

In time, the silverware, plates and other home things don’t really matter at all. I don’t think think we have matched linens at the moment. Lol

I get it and kinda why I felt I shouldn’t be as annoyed as I was.  In the grand scheme of things it’s not that big of a deal.  

Just a difference & styles I guess.  

Us: anything you need we can get you for the house? Well we’re not taking any of the beds, how about a bed. OK let’s go bed shopping.

Her: I picked a wall color for you. I bought you a cookie jar, plates, glasses, mugs... 

[MoseySusan]

2 hours ago, Dirtyhip said:

My overbearing Grandmother gave me a service for 16, in this tacky duck hunting motif. I didn’t like them then and we still use them today. The service is down to about 5 now. Someday I might get plates I like, or maybe I will never be freed from the ugly duck plates. Honestly, after a few years it doesn’t matter what the plate looks like. It matters what you put on the plate for the people you care about. 

In time, the silverware, plates and other home things don’t really matter at all. I don’t think think we have matched linens at the moment. Lol

Good point! 

However, now that I think about it, mr. and I used/still use wedding gifts like plates, knives, pans, etc. from his first marriage. It’s kinda awkward still. 

[Dirtyhip]

33 minutes ago, ChrisL said:

I get it and kinda why I felt I shouldn’t be as annoyed as I was.  In the grand scheme of things it’s not that big of a deal.  

Just a difference & styles I guess.  

Us: anything you need we can get you for the house? Well we’re not taking any of the beds, how about a bed. OK let’s go bed shopping.

Her: I picked a wall color for you. I bought you a cookie jar, plates, glasses, mugs... 

In some ways, certain people want to re-live through their kids and Grandkids. I think these people mean well, and possibly think they know what is best for the people receiving these items.

Like, Oh you must have a dust ruffle?  well, a lot of the new beds don't need them.  Different taste and styles that are generational.  In the grand scheme, it doesn't matter.  The sooner we realize that these things are just things and have no basis in one's happiness, the happier we will be.  Accept the ugly plates and tacky cookie jar. 

Kinda funny, one of the gifts I got, I totally hated it.  It was like this personalized snow globe with a Princess and Prince looking bride and groom.  Not my style all.  Well, we have had that ugly thing for about 23 years.  It is getting yellowed from age, and the water is evaporating.  I fondly look at it now.  Someone took the time to attend my wedding and bring this gift to us.  I love that gift now.  I hope it never breaks.  One day it will have a lot less water.  Every year there is less water in it.  There is more love in our marriage every year. 

[ChrisL]

1 hour ago, Dirtyhip said:

In some ways, certain people want to re-live through their kids and Grandkids. I think these people mean well, and possibly think they know what is best for the people receiving these items.

Like, Oh you must have a dust ruffle?  well, a lot of the new beds don't need them.  Different taste and styles that are generational.  In the grand scheme, it doesn't matter.  The sooner we realize that these things are just things and have no basis in one's happiness, the happier we will be.  Accept the ugly plates and tacky cookie jar. 

Kinda funny, one of the gifts I got, I totally hated it.  It was like this personalized snow globe with a Princess and Prince looking bride and groom.  Not my style all.  Well, we have had that ugly thing for about 23 years.  It is getting yellowed from age, and the water is evaporating.  I fondly look at it now.  Someone took the time to attend my wedding and bring this gift to us.  I love that gift now.  I hope it never breaks.  One day it will have a lot less water.  Every year there is less water in it.  There is more love in our marriage every year. 

Well what if I gave you a Trek road bike?  How would you feel about that!?!? ?

[shootingstar]

5 hours ago, ChrisL said:

My wife & I often compare MIL to Bev on the Goldbergs.  She’s not Jewish but is very similar to the over the top mom on the show. He’s also the only child.   He doesn’t ask for or expect the treatment, she just can’t not do it.  It’s really sickening to see her wait on him and him only. She’ll make him a plate or refill his drink without his asking. He’ll tell her no thanks mom, I’ll get it and yet the food or refill comes...  

I think he loves hanging out with us away from her and often times tells her not to come to things that we do as a family like Palm Springs.  He did a lot of work on their home and his dad told me he was absolutely shocked to see him laying floors.  I just told him you would be surprised what they can if you let them do it...  He has really grown over the years and my daughter says the only parent figure he really listens to & respects is me.  But there have been times when I have called him out on things and just tell him unacceptable, fix it, and he does.  But I don’t get in the middle of him & his mom.

Since this thread kinda evolved to SIL, and many assumptions have been made without the full story I’ll just say this.  It’s clear to me his priority is his wife, he just doesn’t know yet how to back his mom off.

Maybe your daughter and her hubby need to talk about what clear areas, his mother can be allowed to make some choices..gift-wise or help-wise....would it be some good food dishes she prepares for family get-togethers? Or?  They will find it easier if they express gratitude for an area of her expertise or some freedom for her to give a type of gift or do stuff for them.  Not work the other way, by just placing barriers and no indication where her contribution is best appreciated.

Of course, indicate anything on house and major gifts for house, it must be left to daughter and her hubby. To gently remind of this.

I'm saying this....because I have a mother who is strong willed.  It has worked when we express for certain food dishes she does very well for family gatherings, her expertise in sewing.  Rather than shut down a parent, or parent-in-law, try to find their appreciated areas of  their expertise/knowledge or positive contribution and ask for this.  Then the person will understand...and respond better where they can give with appreciation from daughter and hubby and not feel rebuffed/hurt for gifts/unwanted help, etc. 

[Dirtyhip]

40 minutes ago, ChrisL said:

Well what if I gave you a Trek road bike?  How would you feel about that!?!? ?

I don't know how to answer this.  I feel that it's a trap.  ?