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Would you tell someone they were fat?


Square Wheels
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I suspect you would not tell someone you were talking to that you think they don't look good and are fat.

 

So why then do you think it's OK to tell them they look like they lost a lot of weight and look good?

 

I've lost a lot of weight over the past few years and I've kept it all off.  I still have more to lose, but I'm on a losing hiatus for a little while.  I've had a lot of people tell me I look great and don't need to lose any more.  What did they think of me when I didn't "look great"?

 

I don't comment on people's appearance either way.  Whether someone is overweight or fit, it is their choice.

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Meh,

 

I told a friend of mine, seriously obese (400+, 5'6"), that he needed to do something about his weight a few years back. He did lose a ton of weight (low of 180) but since his engagement he has added quite a bit back. I mentioned to him about his weight gain and he needs to look into controlling it again else lose all that hard work.

 

I don't say it cruelly or with disdain. I mention with care. But he is probably one of my closet friends. Given less personal knowledge of a person, say a co worker. I don't think I could mention nor bring up weight or even comment on weight loss unless the person brought it up first.

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I figure most people who need to lose weight know they need to lose weight.

This - but it has occurred to me in the past that telling someone "you lost a lot of weight, you look fantastic" could easily be taken as "man, you looked like hell before".

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I don't say anything to people about their current weight one way or the other, but I compliment weight loss. It's damn hard to lose weight, so I compliment their grit.  Studies show, however, that compliments can have the reverse effect on weight loss goals.  The positive feedback can stall someone's progress because they no longer feel the urgency that led them to want to lose.  After I lost 35 pounds a friend at work tells me every single time she sees me "Don't lose any more weight."  She's actively undermining my goals, and her comments are more about her own insecurity with her weight than about complimenting me.  It's easy to tell the difference between people who share an admiration for fitness and those who speak out of jealousy.

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I am fat.  My boss, a friend since jr. high told me so.  I would give reasons why I did not have time to take care of myself.  He told me they all sounded like excuses to him.

 

Been back in the gym two days a week since around the start of the year.  Weight was over 260.  Got on the scale last night and weight was 246.  Around 20 lbs gone.  I can tell a huge difference in my fitness level and muscle tone.  So can our trainer at the gym apparently, as he upped all my reps 20 to 50%  last night.  

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I am fat.  My boss, a friend since jr. high told me so.  I would give reasons why I did not have time to take care of myself.  He told me they all sounded like excuses to him.

 

Been back in the gym two days a week since around the start of the year.  Weight was over 260.  Got on the scale last night and weight was 246.  Around 20 lbs gone.  I can tell a huge difference in my fitness level and muscle tone.  So can our trainer at the gym apparently, as he upped all my reps 20 to 50%  last night.  

Congrats!  Keep it up!

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I suspect you would not tell someone you were talking to that you think they don't look good and are fat.

 

So why then do you think it's OK to tell them they look like they lost a lot of weight and look good?

 

I've lost a lot of weight over the past few years and I've kept it all off.  I still have more to lose, but I'm on a losing hiatus for a little while.  I've had a lot of people tell me I look great and don't need to lose any more.  What did they think of me when I didn't "look great"?

 

I don't comment on people's appearance either way.  Whether someone is overweight or fit, it is their choice.

Because one is a positive statement and the other is a negative statement.

 

Positivity is always the better road to trek. Negativity hurts you as much as the other person.

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I would never tell someone they are fat.  Generally, I would not tell someone they look good after losing weight either.

 

If someone brings up weight loss, exercise, diet, etc. I'll give my opinion about how they can reach their goals, but I wouldn't comment on what those goals are or should be.

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Okay, so here is my take.  If I have a relationship with someone and truly care about them, and I see them doing something harmful to themselves, then isn't it incumbent of me to let them know?  Speaking the truth in love is much better than avoiding the issue.

 

When I was making my excuses above, my friend was bold enough to call me on them.  What he told me stayed with me.  He said "You can either take the time take care of yourself now, or have that time forced on you later when you are in the hospital."  Made me stop and think.  I was putting all sorts of things in front of me.  Wife, work, kids, scouts, and more than a bit of laziness.

 

Now I spend about two hours a week in the gym and I have more energy, I feel better, I look better, I sleep better, on and on the list goes.  And when people notice the difference it is just a bit more of an affirmation that I needed to change.

 

I am not saying we should all get on our high horses and start pointing and chatting "fatty" as we point our fingers, but I am saying that pointing out what we see as an issue to someone we care about is not a bad thing.  Nor is affirming positive change in those same people.

 

I am fat.  I am less fat today than I was yesterday.  I would probably have been even fatter had not one person told me I was fat and for that I am thankful.

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People constantly try to undermine my health and fitness.  

 

A gal I am friendly with is always trying to feed me, despite my efforts to ask her not to.  Monday, I was brought a strawberry scone.  I said no thank you.  She replied with things like "I brought this especially for you."  and "You need to eat.  You are too thin."  I finally took it and just tossed it in the trash quietly.  

 

I do not like meetings with food.  It seems like the entire room is peer pressuring me into eating like they do.  Some even say comments that most lean people would find insulting.

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People constantly try to undermine my health and fitness.  

 

A gal I am friendly with i9s always trying to feed me, despite my efforts to ask her not to.  Monday, I was brought a strawberry scone.  I said no thank you.  She replied with things like "I brought this especially for you."  and "You need to eat.  You are too thin."  I finally took it and just tossed it in the trash quietly.  

 

I do not like meetings with food.  It seems like the entire room is peer pressuring me into eating like they do.  Some even say comments that most lean people would find insulting.

 

Chicks are different, though, no chick can stand to see another fit and not fat.  Fat people/non-active people will do this to dudes, too, but much less overtly.

 

Face it, people suck.  Some are happy that you are happy, some feel less unhappy about themselves when the see struggles in others.  People you work with are often the worst

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I have, on occasion, thought about congratulating a woman on her "condition" or asking when she was due, but then thought better of it.   :D

 

That happened to a friend of mine the other day.  She isn't expecting.  And trust me, she's the wrong type of woman to make that mistake with.  She's lost several children.  And, she carries a gun.

 

My friend does show mercy though.  She didn't kill the person who asked the question.

 

Couch

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People constantly try to undermine my health and fitness.  

 

A gal I am friendly with i9s always trying to feed me, despite my efforts to ask her not to.  Monday, I was brought a strawberry scone.  I said no thank you.  She replied with things like "I brought this especially for you."  and "You need to eat.  You are too thin."  I finally took it and just tossed it in the trash quietly.  

 

I do not like meetings with food.  It seems like the entire room is peer pressuring me into eating like they do.  Some even say comments that most lean people would find insulting.

You need to eat more protein, put on a few pounds.  It will help you think more clearly.

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Chicks are different, though, no chick can stand to see another fit and not fat.  Fat people/non-active people will do this to dudes, too, but much less overtly.

 

Face it, people suck.  Some are happy that you are happy, some feel less unhappy about themselves when the see struggles in others.  People you work with are often the worst

 

Yes, I think this is why people like "reality" shows.  Other people having problems make the couch potatoes feel good about their lives.

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Yes, I think this is why people like "reality" shows.  Other people having problems make the couch potatoes feel good about their lives.

I have not been riding my bike much, so I took great satisfaction when I heard how dangerous bike riding can be recently....

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I get the same thing, DH.  It's more about them than it is about us.  Eventually, they'll stop.

They will stop after you bring them a sandwich.  Bring me one too please, extra ham and cheese.  Get one for yourself too if you want.

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I have not been riding my bike much, so I took great satisfaction when I heard how dangerous bike riding can be recently....

 

Seriously, I think some of my neighbors take a little bit of comfort when they find out that the old guy who is always riding his bike got his come uppance.   :(

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Sox, it is all junk food they bring to me. These things have zero nutritional value.

start making specific requests for food. It doesn't need to be stuff that you would prepare, just real food that most average people live off of. People will eat garbage out of dumpsters to survive. I'm sure the food they bring would be better than that.
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Okay, so here is my take.  If I have a relationship with someone and truly care about them, and I see them doing something harmful to themselves, then isn't it incumbent of me to let them know?  Speaking the truth in love is much better than avoiding the issue.

 

That relationship had better be rock solid. 

 

If I notice a stranger or a casual acquaintance who is carrying extra weight, I have no way of knowing if this is a result of bad food choices over time or the side-effects of certain medications to treat cancer. Unless we have a history together, I have no way of knowing whether this person is in the process of losing weight. What I can see will not tell me the whole story. And without knowing the background, my observations may be wrong.

 

More importantly, I need to earn the right to comment before I make a comment about someone's weight (or about a personal grooming matter, a bad habit or a harmful behaviour.) This means taking a long time — possibly many years — building up a level of trust which will allow for this level of discussion. It's a process which cannot be rushed.

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That relationship had better be rock solid.

If I notice a stranger or a casual acquaintance who is carrying extra weight, I have no way of knowing if this is a result of bad food choices over time or the side-effects of certain medications to treat cancer. Unless we have a history together, I have no way of knowing whether this person is in the process of losing weight. What I can see will not tell me the whole story. And without knowing the background, my observations may be wrong.

More importantly, I need to earn the right to comment before I make a comment about someone's weight (or about a personal grooming matter, a bad habit or a harmful behaviour.) This means taking a long time — possibly many years — building up a level of trust which will allow for this level of discussion. It's a process which cannot be rushed.

i agree with most of what you said, but why don't people see it the same way when calling people skinny?

I work hard to keep my weigh up where it is now.
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That relationship had better be rock solid. 

 

If I notice a stranger or a casual acquaintance who is carrying extra weight, I have no way of knowing if this is a result of bad food choices over time or the side-effects of certain medications to treat cancer. Unless we have a history together, I have no way of knowing whether this person is in the process of losing weight. What I can see will not tell me the whole story. And without knowing the background, my observations may be wrong.

 

More importantly, I need to earn the right to comment before I make a comment about someone's weight (or about a personal grooming matter, a bad habit or a harmful behaviour.) This means taking a long time — possibly many years — building up a level of trust which will allow for this level of discussion. It's a process which cannot be rushed.

You do not have to know their whole story.  Just be empathetic, show concern.  Get involved. Ask questions and get to know more of the story and then go from there.   Small steps.

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