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My stubborn Mother and a Costco incident


Dirtyhip

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My Mother went out for food.  She bought two Costco chickens and some other assorted needs.  She has asthma, edema in her legs, high blood pressure, and other maladies.

She insists on going out herself, instead of having the church help her.

The line for Costco was long.  She has a hard time standing for a long time.  She won't wear a mask, cause she said she can not breathe with it on.  First thing she told me is that she took one chicken, and then went to get another one.  A lady standing near her started to yell at her saying t only touch what she takes.  Now, I was not there, so I have no idea of the entire situation.  My Mom said that she only touched the two that she intended on buying.  She then begins to yell back at the lady that confronted her, telling her to mind her own business and that she is buying TWO!  My Mom stands down for no one.  I mean no one. Yikes.

So, then she heads to the long ass lines at Costco.  The line was not moving.  Then, she passes out on the floor of Costco.  She banged up her face and caused a big ruckus, her words on "ruckus."

I feel so helpless here.  I can't help her or shop for her.  Although I have a feeling she wouldn't go for that anyway.

<usual curse word goes here>

:(

 

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9 minutes ago, donkpow said:

My mother is also expressing adamantly that she should be considered independent.

OMG, some playbook.  Her words "I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN!"

she yelled this in my ear as I tried to ask her to let people bring her things.

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2 minutes ago, maddmaxx said:

My family has reversed their course and now won't let me go do the grocery shopping which I've been doing for years as I'm not going to work.

Now they're just pissing me off.

Good for them.  Stay home, unless you are going out for exercise with good distance between others.

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My mother-in-law insisted she was independent, despite obvious signs of dementia until she fell and broke her leg.  Once out of the house, we never let her go back and now she's in a memory care facility in Longmont, CO.

 

If freaking sucks, hopefully you don't have to deal with a social worker now questioning why you allowed her to live by herself, my wife and her sisters prior were looking for help to get her out and social workers were unwilling to get involved.

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5 minutes ago, Indy said:

My mother-in-law insisted she was independent, despite obvious signs of dementia until she fell and broke her leg.  Once out of the house, we never let her go back and now she's in a memory care facility in Longmont, CO.

 

If freaking sucks, hopefully you don't have to deal with a social worker now questioning why you allowed her to live by herself, my wife and her sisters prior were looking for help to get her out and social workers were unwilling to get involved.

She is not crazy or forgetful.  She is just old and stubborn.  Quite sharp still.

I feel lucky that she is super involved with her church.  They have my contact info and will keep me apprised of things.. 

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1 hour ago, Dirtyhip said:

I feel so helpless here.  I can't help her or shop for her.  Although I have a feeling she wouldn't go for that anyway.

I, too, have a stubborn, self-sufficient mother. She is 90. I had a frank conversation with her regarding her "need" to go out doing things for herself. I asked her if it was worth dying for. She was rather shocked that I put things that way, but said I had given her some things to think about. Though she's not happy about it, she is now staying home. She is figuring out how to let others do the things she was formerly going out and doing. Best of luck to you, Dirtyhip, convincing your mom to do the same. Keep trying.

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2 hours ago, Dirtyhip said:

She is not crazy or forgetful.  She is just old and stubborn.  Quite sharp still.

I feel lucky that she is super involved with her church.  They have my contact info and will keep me apprised of things.. 

I get that, but sounds like ability to live by one's self might be closing in faster than she wants to admit.  That was all I was trying to say and I can relate to that, it sucks.  My parents got lucky with my Grandma that she realized it on her own, when they refuse to, it's not easy and help can be hard to find until something happens, then are quick to accuse.

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Why was I reading that and envisioning you and your mother in a most outspoken and hard headed contest. Pass the popcorn and beer please! :popcorn:

But seriously, going through similar with my 90 y/o mother who has been shuttled between four different hospitals since mid January - inpatient the entire time, no bed available today but will be discharged to a nursing home tomorrow. It all started with a syncope episode while cooking and in her fall burned both hands and her face. While the burns to the face and right hand are healing with new skin, the left is a major issue. Expected the thumb to fall off naturally but hasn't, and worse developed infection. Considered amputation but the original burn doctor coordinating her care and clinic followup won't consider it with her cardiac issues and issues on the table during earlier grafting. Plus other doctors for a variety of reasons won't assume the case when has the active doctor within the same specialty. Don't know if they are simply going to wait until sepsis fully develops, and don't know if the nursing home was fully appraised what they were getting into.

With my mental health background, I am always accessing her mental status and she is sharp, unlike someone with Alzheimer's or something, which makes it even more difficult. Alarms are sounding as I review her financial and other personal decisions she has made during the past year that were bonehead moves, some of which NEVER should have been made, and in some cases had no basis to even be considered and ignored advice of her long time CPA. She was highly influenced by her 3rd husband who (thankfully) died Jan 2nd.  I about croaked when I saw the 3rd amendment to her Trust naming him as first successor TTEE, bumping my brother and I down when they were already making needless withdrawals either going into joint checking - subject to probate where the trust bypasses probate - or directly into his trust.

Hope your mother recovers well, but a fall - accidental or syncope - should always be taken seriously. 

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2 hours ago, maddmaxx said:

My family has reversed their course and now won't let me go do the grocery shopping which I've been doing for years as I'm not going to work.

Now they're just pissing me off.

Good for them, it's their job to piss you off (and keep you safe)

And you should take advantage of them while they made the offer

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12 minutes ago, Tizeye said:

Why was I reading that and envisioning you and your mother in a most outspoken and hard headed contest. Pass the popcorn and beer please! :popcorn:

But seriously, going through similar with my 90 y/o mother who has been shuttled between four different hospitals since mid January - inpatient the entire time, no bed available today but will be discharged to a nursing home tomorrow. It all started with a syncope episode while cooking and in her fall burned both hands and her face. While the burns to the face and right hand are healing with new skin, the left is a major issue. Expected the thumb to fall off naturally but hasn't, and worse developed infection. Considered amputation but the original burn doctor coordinating her care and clinic followup won't consider it with her cardiac issues and issues on the table during earlier grafting. Plus other doctors for a variety of reasons won't assume the case when has the active doctor within the same specialty. Don't know if they are simply going to wait until sepsis fully develops, and don't know if the nursing home was fully appraised what they were getting into.

With my mental health background, I am always accessing her mental status and she is sharp, unlike someone with Alzheimer's or something, which makes it even more difficult. Alarms are sounding as I review her financial and other personal decisions she has made during the past year that were bonehead moves, some of which NEVER should have been made, and in some cases had no basis to even be considered and ignored advice of her long time CPA. She was highly influenced by her 3rd husband who (thankfully) died Jan 2nd.  I about croaked when I saw the 3rd amendment to her Trust naming him as first successor TTEE, bumping my brother and I down when they were already making needless withdrawals either going into joint checking - subject to probate where the trust bypasses probate - or directly into his trust.

Hope your mother recovers well, but a fall - accidental or syncope - should always be taken seriously. 

She bruised her face.  Otherwise she said she was fine.

She said I was being condescending and patronizing her.  They mean the same thing, but I chose not to correct her word usage.   

<atom bomb ticking>

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6 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

She bruised her face.  Otherwise she said she was fine.

She said I was being condescending and patronizing her.  They mean the same thing, but I chose not to correct her word usage.   

<atom bomb ticking>

My mom ripped me a good one when I started discussing  some of her financial moves such as the financial dependence she created with my youngest sister so backed down and didn't discuss other issues where she would feel challenged. Plus, having a roommate made it difficult anyway as must be very general. But she is feisty. As I type this, received a text from my other sister that the nursing home placement is off as suddenly the bed earlier noted as coming available tomorrow is not. Have to wonder if they got a fuller medical report. The other nursing home also has no beds. The ball is back in the rehab hospital's court.

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13 minutes ago, Dirtyhip said:

When my Mom gets really made, she calls me Missy.  Like, "Listen here, Missy, you can't tell me what to do."  When I get called Missy, I know I better back off. 

Moms can be like that with their kids.  My girlfriends would advise her of things and she'd remember them for years.  But advice from me?  Forget it.

When my mother was dying of lung cancer, the Johns Hopkins medical staff told us to make sure she ate regularly since most lung cancer deaths are related to malnutrition.

One day I got off work, stopped at Panera Bread, and got one of each of the four soups they had. I took them to my mother's house. After she didn't touch any for a while, I said, "I'm not leaving until I see you eat one of those soups."

Instantly, she shot back, "I'm YOUR mother. I'll tell YOU when I want to eat.:"

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16 minutes ago, dennis said:

I cut my mom off from all shopping. I order her groceries and she can pick them up. 

I told her she can go for a drive if she gets stir crazy.

So, your Mom let you do that?  It was a war zone on the phone every damn time that I try to protect her.

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6 hours ago, Dirtyhip said:

My Mother went out for food.  She bought two Costco chickens and some other assorted needs.  She has asthma, edema in her legs, high blood pressure, and other maladies.

She insists on going out herself, instead of having the church help her.

The line for Costco was long.  She has a hard time standing for a long time.  She won't wear a mask, cause she said she can not breathe with it on.  First thing she told me is that she took one chicken, and then went to get another one.  A lady standing near her started to yell at her saying t only touch what she takes.  Now, I was not there, so I have no idea of the entire situation.  My Mom said that she only touched the two that she intended on buying.  She then begins to yell back at the lady that confronted her, telling her to mind her own business and that she is buying TWO!  My Mom stands down for no one.  I mean no one. Yikes.

So, then she heads to the long ass lines at Costco.  The line was not moving.  Then, she passes out on the floor of Costco.  She banged up her face and caused a big ruckus, her words on "ruckus."

I feel so helpless here.  I can't help her or shop for her.  Although I have a feeling she wouldn't go for that anyway.

<usual curse word goes here>

:(

 

Yes, she is sure stubborn. You have a genuine right to be quite concerned especially when she passed out.

She influenced...you.  Her stubbornness/tenancity. :console:

My mother expects her children to do stuff for her now... which can be annoying. She genuinely does need assistance. Siblings have been buying groceries since her heart pacemaker implant before Christmas. 

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I was wondering how my Mom would have handled all this if she were still alive.  Most of the burden would have fallen to my not wild sister since she lived closest.  My Mom was generally pretty practical in difficult situations, but she was probably the most social of any of us.  It definitely would have bothered her not to be able to visit with her friend every day.

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1 hour ago, Dirtyhip said:

So, your Mom let you do that?  It was a war zone on the phone every damn time that I try to protect her.

Yes, but not at first. Her best friend had switched to ordering online so she thought it would be okay. I'm glad the first order went well so she would be willing to continue. One item was out of stock, one was substituted, and one I screwed up. All good. 

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I'm sorry Hip. I wanted to respond to this yesterday. I can emphasize with you.  My mother and a certain someone I also love dearly, do not seem to want accept my warnings either.  My mother is listening now though since my sister works directly with epidemiologists.   However, my mother still went on a cruise in February. 

Currently Tude is walking down Monroe Ave to pick up food we don't need. She promised to wear the mask I have for her and keep her distance. I offered, if not pleaded, to drive her there. 

Hopefully we don't get it until the end of the curve but I'm doing my best to accept I'll get it earlier. 

 

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16 hours ago, Scrapr said:

include some ice cream sammiches for the end times

and i thought Costco chiken was limit one! No wonder that busybody gave her a time. Not following rules

I have no idea about the limit.  She did not mention that.  I imagine that the lady would have yelled at her for that as well.  I don't know.

She was buying enough food to last her two weeks.  

Is the chicken limit a new thing, or Oregon? I don't shop at Costco, so I have no idea about these things.

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3 minutes ago, Airehead said:

@Couch_Incident  good news your mom is settling into the new routine. That is important for your dad too. 

Yea, they are dealing with this better than I expected. 

I just hope they don't get it. My father won't make it.  Hell, I probably won't make it if I catch it. History of minor blood pressure and asthma.  I won't be the 80 percent. 

I am writing a will just in case and putting it in the safe. 

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I wish my Mother would cook, instead of buying pre-cooked chickens and other prepared things.  Her and I are polar opposites.

She hates dirt, I roll in it.

She doesn't like to cook, um, yeah...my habits are known in that regard

She doesn't like animals, pets, etc.  I love dogs, cats, etc. 

She votes one way, I an on the other end

She is very religious, I am not

She hates exercise and being sweaty, Um, yeah ... again ...

She hates traveling, I hate just staying in one place

She likes arugula, I hate it.  

LOL

 

 

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3 minutes ago, Couch_Incident said:

Yea, they are dealing with this better than I expected. 

I just hope they don't get it. My father won't make it.  Hell, I probably won't make it if I catch it. History of minor blood pressure and asthma.  I won't be the 80 percent. 

I am writing a will just in case and putting it in the safe. 

Don't be pessimistic.  A key component of health is believing.  Don't believe the wrong thing.

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51 minutes ago, Couch_Incident said:

I'm being extremely realistic.  I know my health history and that of my fathers.  We both have a number comorbidities that fall directly in the middle of statistical evidence.

That doesn't mean it WILL hapen.  IT could happen.  Believe in positive.  I have conditions that make me concerned as well.  It is not going to take me.

I could believe that I would have been in a wheelchair by now.  I refuse to believe that.  

Fight against the dying of the light.

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