Very private = puzzling

[shootingstar]

THis is a close friend I've known for over past decade. She lives in same city.  I found out 3 wks. after her sister died, about her sister's death.

Meanwhile I was talking about shennigans post dearie's death.  I would always stop and ask how things were with her.   She only told me because her family had an event..which turned out to be a funeral.

Honest, I found it strange it's taken her so long to tell me. And she knows I lost a sister very tragically.. she's known this for a long time (ever since we met), because I talk about her adult children occasionally.

I know she gets along well with siblings...similar to me. 

[Razors Edge ★]

3 minutes ago, shootingstar said:

THis is a close friend I've known for over past decade. She lives in same city.  I found out 3 wks. after her sister died, about her sister's death.

Meanwhile I was talking about shennigans post dearie's death.  I would always stop and ask how things were with her.   She only told me because her family had an event..which turned out to be a funeral.

Honest, I found it strange it's taken her so long to tell me. And she knows I lost a sister very tragically.. she's known this for a long time (ever since we met), because I talk about her adult children occasionally.

I know she gets along well with siblings...similar to me. 

Is she private in most things?

[Zealot]

I keep things like that close and private in my real life as well.  It’s so as not to burden others and sometimes because I don’t think others really want to know such things anyway. 

[Razors Edge ★]

7 minutes ago, Zealot said:

I keep things like that close and private in my real life as well.  It’s so as not to burden others and sometimes because I don’t think others really want to know such things anyway. 

Yep - think that is generally good policy for many of us.  Alien to others.

[Zealot]

Just now, Razors Edge said:

Yep - think that is generally good policy for many of us.  Alien to others.

I’m not sure it’s ‘good policy’.  I’d love to be part of ‘community’ and know that others cared about things. But that’s not how it is in my life. 

Anyway @shootingstar, don’t misjudge your friend. 

Peace

[shootingstar]

23 minutes ago, Razors Edge said:

Yep - think that is generally good policy for many of us.  Alien to others.

My closest friends that I've known for past 10-40 yrs....do know of deaths for loved ones in my family.  For dearie they learned of his death within a few days.  My family knew within 2 days.

I actually appreciate genuine support from those I love during a difficult time. They don't have to say a great deal to me...they just need to know. It..helps me. And interestingly, several husbands from close friends, contacted me directly to express their condolences.

REMEMBER.... we haven't had any service/celebration of life for dearie at this time. He died in Apr.

Frankly with some stuff going on....I feel alone and trying to make sense,, dealing with lawyers, etc. So good friends and siblings with their thoughts and impressions help me....alot.

[shootingstar]

20 minutes ago, Zealot said:

I’m not sure it’s ‘good policy’.  I’d love to be part of ‘community’ and know that others cared about things. But that’s not how it is in my life. 

Anyway @shootingstar, don’t misjudge your friend. 

Peace

You're right.  I believe the death was a shock to the family. She was ill in hospital for a few wks. and they couldn't visit because of covid in hospital. Then she came home and several days later died.  I'm not clear what the cause of death was.

But I do know about shock....Zealot. My sister died by suicide.  No one at work knows about this...because people will judge. And I don't want that and people at work are strangers in the end to me.

[Zealot]

1 hour ago, shootingstar said:

You're right.  I believe the death was a shock to the family. She was ill in hospital for a few wks. and they couldn't visit because of covid in hospital. Then she came home and several days later died.  I'm not clear what the cause of death was.

But I do know about shock....Zealot. My sister died by suicide.  No one at work knows about this...because people will judge. And I don't want that and people at work are strangers in the end to me.

Yes, I remember a conversation a while back discussing your sister’s suicide.  Very tragic. 😔 

As for judgement at work, well people do what people do. But everyone lives in a glass house. 

Peace. 

[Longjohn ★]

I didn’t put an obituary in the newspaper when my wife died but I didn’t hide the fact from anyone. I announced the memorial service on both my Facebook and my wife’s. I told the pastors at our church. A lot of people that I don’t see very often or are not on Facebook didn’t know but that’s alright. There were still some worries about Covid, seventy five people showed up for the service. That was enough. I don’t know if anyone told my mother in law. She is in assisted living and has hearing problems and typical memory issues of someone in their nineties. Probably no need to tell her but I left that decision up to my wife’s siblings.

[KrAzY]

It could be a coping mechanism for her to want to keep it close and not share, I would definitely not take offense to anything around that subject. 

[Kirby]

2 hours ago, KrAzY said:

It could be a coping mechanism for her to want to keep it close and not share, I would definitely not take offense to anything around that subject. 

I know when I lost my parents, I'd appreciate if friends and coworkers offered condolences, but sometimes I didn't want to discuss it because it might make me get emotional.  If she's still processing her emotions, she may not be ready to talk if she's trying to hold things together and function.   Or she may have known you were dealing with a loss, and didn't want  to burden you - perhaps being caring but overcautious.

[shootingstar]

37 minutes ago, Kirby said:

I know when I lost my parents, I'd appreciate if friends and coworkers offered condolences, but sometimes I didn't want to discuss it because it might make me get emotional.  If she's still processing her emotions, she may not be ready to talk if she's trying to hold things together and function.   Or she may have known you were dealing with a loss, and didn't want  to burden you - perhaps being caring but overcautious.

I know her job is busy and she is under alot of work pressure so I can appreciate the need to hold together. We work for the same organization but in completely different depts. and totally different job roles. We get 1 wk. or paid bereavement leave when an immediate family member has died.  

Each person is different....I've found that work is a structured distraction for me, during the day from a number of complicated post-death situations that lie ahead that I must deal with.  It's in the evening, etc. where it's very easy to go down the rabbit hole of worry and loss. Of course, I fantasize he'll come back for awhile and life would be kinder.

When I lost my sister, it happened when I was about to relocate to a different city after accepting a job offer.  I had to delay my start date with new job by 2 wks. It was just very psychologically demanding with multiple, major life events colliding simultaneously.  Dearie was with me that whole time..

  

[BuffJim]

2 hours ago, KrAzY said:

It could be a coping mechanism for her to want to keep it close and not share, I would definitely not take offense to anything around that subject. 

I agree with this Krazy sentiment. Your friend may not be exercising the best judgment, but I doubt it’s anything personal against you. I'd give her a pass. 
 

We all handle death differently. My parents taught me to treat the death of an older person as a normal event. But also to pay respects and honor their lives. The death of a younger person is usually a tragedy. Fortunately I’ve had little experience with early deaths.