Joke Thread

[2Far ★]

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to Church?
A: They use fowl language.

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth rock.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: He had the drumsticks.

Q: What side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: Can a turkey jump higher than the empire state building?
A: Yes, a building can’t jump at all.

Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.

Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their age.

[2Far ★]

My husband isn’t happy with my mood swings.

The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I’m in a good mood, it turns green.

When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

[2Far ★]

A big earthquake of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.

Two million Muslims are dead and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments ask for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil and monetary assistance.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crop.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

[2Far ★]

SWMBO was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “2Far! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”

2Far replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”

SWMBO yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”

So 2Far mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “SWMBO! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”

SWMBO replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”

2Far yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!”

SWMBO says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”

So with that, 2Far sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “SWMBO! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”

SWMBO hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”

2Far proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “SWMBO! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”

To which SWMBO replies, “Hurts, don’t it?”

[Longjohn ★]

4 hours ago, 2Far said:

SWMBO was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “2Far! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”

2Far replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”

SWMBO yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”

So 2Far mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “SWMBO! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”

SWMBO replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”

2Far yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!”

SWMBO says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”

So with that, 2Far sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “SWMBO! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”

SWMBO hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”

2Far proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “SWMBO! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”

To which SWMBO replies, “Hurts, don’t it?”

You could fix that outhouse with a razor.

[2Far ★]

One morning @jsharr took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. “What the heck,” he said to himself as a little blue ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“Wife,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She shot back, “It’s not talcum powder. It’s ‘Miracle Grow.’ ”

[BuffJim]

Q: What does a Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
A: He turns off the PlayStation    

Q: What Does the Dallas Cowboys and the movie "Broke Back Mountain" have in common?
A: They both have cowboys that suck!    

Q: What's the difference between Cowboys fans and a litter of puppies? A: Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining. Q: What's the difference between Cowboys fans and mosquitoes? A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.   Q: What do Cowboys fans and laxatives have in common? A: Both irritate the absolute crap out of you!   Q: How do you stop an Dallas Cowboys fan from beating his wife? A: Dress her in a Green Bay Packers jersey.

[2Far ★]

49 minutes ago, BuffJim said:

Q: What does a Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
A: He turns off the PlayStation    

Q: What Does the Dallas Cowboys and the movie "Broke Back Mountain" have in common?
A: They both have cowboys that suck!    

Q: What's the difference between Cowboys fans and a litter of puppies? A: Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining. Q: What's the difference between Cowboys fans and mosquitoes? A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.   Q: What do Cowboys fans and laxatives have in common? A: Both irritate the absolute crap out of you!   Q: How do you stop an Dallas Cowboys fan from beating his wife? A: Dress her in a Green Bay Packers jersey.

The Cowboys are going to the Superbowl!

Jerrah bought them all tickets.

[Dottleshead ★]

Why can't Barbie become pregnant?  Because Ken comes in another box.

[2Far ★]

An elderly man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The old man didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The responding officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Road Runner,” the old man moaned.

“Where you from, Road Runner?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Road Runner replied, “The balcony...”

[2Far ★]

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called “Yam”. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally ashed, and get a bad name for herself like “Hot Potato”, and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato, either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho Potato University (IPU) so when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just a...
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Are you ready for this?
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Are you sure?
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OK! ... Here it is!
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Common Tater

[2Far ★]

One morning a farmer happened to be sharing his two-seater outhouse with his none-too-bright brother-in-law.

“Darnit,” cursed the farmer as he pulled up his overalls. “Dropped a quarter in the dang hole.”

“Don’t worry, buddy, I’ll get it for you,” offered Jshartt cheerfully, pulling out a $5 bill and tossing it into the farmer’s hole.

“What’d you do that for?” asked the bewildered farmer.

“Heck, you didn’t think I’d go down there just for a quarter, did you?”
 

[2Far ★]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

 

"The moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car."

[2Far ★]

The Crash Site

  A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

 

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.

 

"You can understand what I'm saying?"asked the officer.

 

Again, the monkey nodded.

 

"Well, did you see what happened?"

 

The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

 

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

 

The monkey nodded. The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.

 

"They were smoking marijuana too?" asked the officer.

 

The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers

 

"So they were playing around as well!?" asked the astounded officer.

 

Again, the monkey nodded.

 

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smokiing and playing around before they wrecked the car?"

 

The monkey nodded.

 

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.

 

The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.

 

 

[TrentonMakes]

I need jokes.  Thank you. 

[Ralphie ★]

13 minutes ago, TrentonStrong said:

I need jokes.  Thank you. 

2Far is like the Van Gogh of forum jokes.

 

[Kzoo]

3 minutes ago, Ralph T. Mooseknuckle said:

2Far is like the Van Gogh of forum jokes.

 

Huh?    Are you trying to tell us he only has one ear?

[2Far ★]

Chemistry of Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

 

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.  

   If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.  

   If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

 

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

 

[Ralphie ★]

2 minutes ago, 2Far said:

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

Had to be that darn overachiever TK.,

 

[2Far ★]

4 minutes ago, Ralph T. Mooseknuckle said:

Had to be that darn overachiever TK.,

 

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure PV=nRT has no meaning for him.

[TrentonMakes]

3 minutes ago, 2Far said:

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure PV=nRT has no meaning for him.

Patriots fans know it though.  

[2Far ★]

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.

The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

 

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

 

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

 

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

 

Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

 

[2Far ★]

Airwick and Jim, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Airwick didn't show up. Jim didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Airwick hadn't shown up for a week or so, Jim really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Jim didn't know where Airwick lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Jim figured he had seen the last of Airwick, but one day, Jim approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Airwick! Jim was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Airwick, what in the world happened to you?'

Airwick replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Jim. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Airwick said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Jim, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[2Far ★]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota.

 

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.

The Smudge likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, Smudge decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," Smudge replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says Smudge.

"But I haven't even touched! you," says ! the officer.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[2Far ★]

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

[2Far ★]

Mooseknuckle was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. 

His brother found out that Airwick was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Airwick that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

 

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

 

After the trial, the brother went to Airwick's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

 

Airwick replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

[2Far ★]

<<2Far ducking>>

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and Reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[2Far ★]

A woman is enjoying a game of golf with her girlfriends one day recently. "Oh No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day..."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his ass".

[2Far ★]

A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager.

'Oh Aye; uv dunna bitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, in the barras anat, know?' nodded the young weegie.

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job . The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.

'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy.

The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.

The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one? Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway'?

'£101,237.64' said the lad.

The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty-four pence! What in hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishin' rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishin', and he said down at the coast, so ah telt him he would need a boat. We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that twin-engined Power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so ah took him doon tae car sales and ah selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki....'

The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me.... a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four?'

'Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box o' tampons furries missus and Ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as well go fishin'..."

[2Far ★]

Petite calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Petite says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .....








"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[2Far ★]

Bilingual Dog

 

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." 

A short time afterwards, an Airedale trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. 

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the Airedale and was surprised, to say the least. 

However, the Airedale looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The Airedale jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The Airedale jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, which worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! 

He looked at the Airedale and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual". 

The Airedale looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".

 

[2Far ★]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks"
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000. " The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

 

[2Far ★]

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors! He also invited Geddah, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

 

Geddah was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

 

Geddah was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!

 

Geddah was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both Geddah and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

 

Finally Geddah strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Geddah then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 

Finally the host says, 'Well, Geddah, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,'

 

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Geddah.

 

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

 

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Geddah.

 

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

 

Again Geddah said no.

 

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Geddah, then what do you want?'

 

Geddah said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

[2Far ★]

Ghost sex

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

 

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

 

About 90 students raise their hands.

 

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

 

About 40 students raise their hands.

 

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

 

About 15 students raise their hand.

 

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

 

Three students raise their hands.

 

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

 

Way in the back, Kzoo raises his hand.

 

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

 

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Kzoo, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

 Kzoo

replied, "Shiiiiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats..."

[2Far ★]

Jshartt's Valentine poem:

Collards is green
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have som’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Me ’n you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it’s romantic that way.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won’t do.
Cause yo’re too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!!

[2Far ★]

For the ignorant among you, the "J" in Jfarrt stands for Joe.

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE;
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, "SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER."

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL;
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL,

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER."

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, "MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY,
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE -
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY."

[2Far ★]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ’Guess who?’ ”

“But why?”

“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

[2Far ★]

[These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line…]

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming...
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away -
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[2Far ★]

@petitepedal& @smudge

Petite & Smudge  were out for a Sunday drive in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. Smudge,  in the passenger seat, thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time Smudge was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through, and she turned to driver and said, "Petite! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Petite turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

[petitepedal ★]

[smudge ★]

@2Far walks into a bar and says,

 

 

 

"Ouch!"

[Rattlecan ★]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed..
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached
him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.The
bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he
had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death
in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps,
when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment
before..
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied

.

.

.

.

.

................BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked
breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'

 

(. . . Wait for it ....)

 

(.. . . It's worth it.. ....)

 

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'

[2Far ★]

Q. Did you hear about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee?
A. It’s a tender tail.

Q. How can you tell a rabbit’s age?
A. Look for Grey Hares.

Q. How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been?
A. Eggs (X) marks the spot.

Q. How did the wet Easter Bunny dry himself?
A. With a hare dryer.

Q: How do you make a rabbit stew?
A: Make it wait for three hours.

Q: How do little baby chicks dance?
A: Chick to Chick.

Q: How do you post a bunny?
A: By Hare mail.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter.

Q: How many Easter eggs can you put into an empty Easter basket?
A: One - after that, the basket isn’t empty anymore.

Q: How many hairs are in an Easter Bunny’s tail?
A: None - they’re all on the outside.

Q: What college did the Easter Bunny graduate from?
A: John HOPkins.

Q: What comes at the end of Easter?
A: The letter “R”.

Q: What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
A: Join the Hare Force.

Q: What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
A: Cheer up!

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: “It’s been nice knawing you.”

Q: What do you call a short, bossy French rabbit?
A: Napoleon Bunny-parte.

Q: What do you call an Easter Bunny with a large brain?
A: Egghead.

Q: What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny.

Q: What do you call a rabbit that’s won the lottery?
A: A millionhare.

Q: What do you call a standup comedian rabbit?
A: A Funny Bunny.

Q: What do you call an Easter Bunny on a farm?
A: Dinner.

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.

Q: What do you get from petting rabbits with sharp teeth?
A: Harecuts.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?
A: A bunion.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Easter Bunny with a Scottish bun?
A: A BonnyBonnyBun.

Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair?
A: A hairless hare.

Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. A hot cross bunny.

Q. What do you use to groom a rabbit?
A. A hare brush.

Q: What does a bunny use when it goes swimming?
A: A hare-net.

Q: What does an Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
A: Two points, just like all the other basketball players.

Q: What does an Easter Bunny order at a Chinese restaurant?
A: Hop Suey.

Q: What does an Easter Bunny use to keep its ears pirky?
A: Hare Spray.

Q: What does the Easter Bunny call his exercise program?
A: Hare-robics.

Q: What’s a good way to catch an Easter Bunny?
A: Make noises like a carrot.

Q: What’s a rabbit’s favourite accessory to wear?
A: 24 carrot gold jewelry.

Q: What’s a rabbit’s favourite dance?
A: The Bunny Hop.

Q. What’s big and purple and hugs Easter baskets?
A. The Easter Barney.

Q. What is Super Chicken’s real identity?
A. Cluck Kent.

Q. What’s yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?
A. The Easter Bunana.

Q. What happened when the Easter Bunny stuck his head in the fan?
A. It took EARS off its life.

Q. What kind of story does the Easter Bunny like to hear?
A. A Cotton Tale.

Q. When does Valentine’s Day come after Easter?
A. In the dictionary.

Q. Where does an Easter Bunny go when it dies?
A. To the Hare-after.

Q. Where does the Easter Bunny get its eggs?
A. From eggplants.

Q. Where does the Easter Bunny go to get a new tail?
A. To a re-tail store.

Q. Which religious person are chickens afraid of the most?
A. Friars.

Q. Which side of a Easter Bunny has the most fur?
A. The outside.

Q: Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor?
A: Rabbit De Niro.

Q: Why are bunnies good at Math?
A: They multiply fast.

Q: Why did a rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he was eggo-centric.

Q: Why did the bunny go to the dance?
A: To do the bunny hop.

Q: Why did the chocolate egg hide from the sun?
A: Not to melt.

Q: Why did the Easter Egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four doors, it would be a Sedan.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
A: Because his powder puff is on the wrong end.

Q: Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
A: Because it has four rabbits’ feet.

Q: Why is it easy for baby chicks to talk?
A: Because talking is Cheep.

Q. Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a good joe-k?
A. It might crack up.

[2Far ★]

Three Yoopers died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first Yooper said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”
St. Peter said, “Noooooo!” and he banished her to Hell.

The second Yooper said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.”
St. Peter said, “Noooooo!” and he banished her to Hell.

The third Yooper said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...”

St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good!”

Then the Yooper continued, “Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey.”

St. Peter fainted...

[2Far ★]

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”

[2Far ★]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the fire hall, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said with admiration.

“Thanks,” the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little partner,” the firefighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

[VladyP]

What is the difference between a light bulb and your pregnant girlfriend?

You can unscrew the light bulb.

[2Far ★]

1 hour ago, AirwicksHornyAunt said:

What is the difference between a light bulb and your pregnant girlfriend?

You can unscrew the light bulb.

My Blue Heaven!

[2Far ★]

Soon after arriving in Miami from Newfoundland, Wilbur phoned a weather station and asked what the temperature was in Florida.

“Seventy-two degrees,” was the reply.

Wilbur then asked what the temperature was in Celsius.

After a long pause, the person asked, “Can you give me the zip code for Celsius?”

[2Far ★]

Jshaart and Wade went hunting together for the first time.

Jshfart said, “Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.”

A few minutes later, Jsfffft heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.

“What’s wrong?” Jsfarft asked. “I told you to be quiet!”

Wade answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, “Should we eat them here, or take them with us?” Well, I just panicked!”