Have you ever lost a child?

[Mr. Beanz]

Some discussion about Gina losing her 2 boys makes me ask.  

I had never really known anyone who had till Gina's. We were at the coast taking a break on a bike ride. Gina chatting with a tandem friend of our, Dixie. Very soothing company for Gina. This was after Gina's first son's passing.  She says to Gina,  I know what you're going through.  

She had lost her 25 yo son to a fire.  Firemen found his charred remains close close to the back door as if he was trying to crawl out. 

Though Gina knew both her sons were not going to live long,  she was expecting it and sure it doesn't make it any easier but at least she knew. 

Then about a month after Gina's son,  my cousin lost her 25 yo son to an auto accident.  Her son driving home from a night of work on a desert highway. He fell asleep then drifted into oncoming traffic hitting a semi head on.  AThe other two passengers I'm guessing guessing were asleep.  

Now that would be a shocker. The surprise death would be much harder for me to swallow. 

 

Still in good spirits, as much as can be expected. But dang, her hair started turning white when her second son got really sick a few months ago. But still my number one gal.

 

[Kirby]

I've never had any children,  

[jsharr ★]

My wife lost a child to miscarriage early in our marriage.  So, yes.  Not the same I know, but it still hurt.

[Zealot]

My mom lost her first child (my older brother) to a heart attack when he was 38. She heartbrokenly told me many times after that a parent should never outlive their children. She never fully recovered from it and she died of cancer about 18 months later.

My sister lost her 3rd child to a high speed automobile accident when he was 21. I met her at the hospital that night and it was truly one of the most devastating things I’ve witnessed. Her family was torn apart and there was no way to offer consolation. I could only break with her.  😢 

 

[Zealot]

3 minutes ago, jsharr said:

My wife lost a child to miscarriage early in our marriage.  So, yes.  Not the same I know, but it still hurt.

My daughter miscarried her first child as well. It affected her profoundly. She suffered a great deal. 

[Longjohn ★]

We lost our eldest son, reported him missing. Eventually found him hiding out at the neighbors. He had run away from home.

[Airehead]

I have lost a child and supported parents in my schools who have lost theirs. It is a deep deep pain. 

[Mr. Beanz]

11 minutes ago, Zealot said:

She heartbrokenly told me many times after that a parent should never outlive their children. She never fully recovered 

 

I've heard that a thousand times but yet Gina did.

I do worry about her.  She is very unfocused at times.  She will stop at a green light,  or go on a red light.  Her mind is elsewhere at times. 

I hate to get on her about things understanding her position but I explain to her that as sad as it is, she needs to snap out of it because it's dangerous. 

She rode her bike some a year after her first and started doing well but then the second son got pretty bad couple months before he passed and she didn't even want to ride her bike anymore.  

I hope she comes back around but I understand. Even before the second son passed,  we could be driving home from a nice dinner out, I'd look over and she'd have tears in her eyes then apologize for crying. 

No need to apologize,  I can't imagine what she's going through. Now with the second one. Very heartbroken.

 

[ChrisL]

Fortunately no and I couldn’t even imagine the pain.  

[sheep_herder ★]

Yes, at 14yo to non hodgkin's lymphoma

[Parsnip Totin Jack ★]

Not personally. But I have seen sons lost to drugs and prison. Our nephew in Ohio got into heroin and opioids. Was living on the streets, in and out of rehab like a revolving door. Wound up serving time and came out a different person. Last I heard he is doing well but relapses are common. My friend in Texas, his son was basically on the same road. Same result: he’s out of prison now and working but he’s walking a narrow path. 

[MickinMD ★]

Fortunately no, but I've had relatives who did.

Several years ago you may remember me asking for prayers for my nephew Ryan's son Tucker - he got a girl pregnant in high school.  Tucker was born with a defective heart and didn't survive a week after birth.

The strangest case was my cousin John, about 10 years younger than me, who died around the age of 12.

At first it was thought to be a suicide: he had placed a large plastic bag over his head and squirted butane from a cigarette lighter into it, passed out, and suffocated.

But it turns out he was competing with some other kids to see who could hold their breath the longest underwater in a pool.  His next door neighbors were restoring an old, classic car and used an oxy-acetylene torch.  They explained what was in the tanks.  John thought that's what must be in cigarette lighters and tried to see if he could breathe a long time with a plastic bag around his head.  So sad!

A couple decades later in the 1990's his father, my Uncle John, passed away and I got a phone call from his sister, my Aunt Mary.  She said her brother had $935 left after what was distributed in his will and that he had told her to get a tombstone/brass marker for him and his son - who had never had a grave marker!  His wife had died before their son did and was buried in her PA hometown.

His instructions were to ONLY have their names - identical names - and their birth and death dates, NO "father" and "son."

Aunt Mary wondered if I could help because the cemetery - which required flat brass markers - quoted a couple thousand for the job.

I have a friend who owns a tombstone company and he agreed to do it: a brass marker with a marble base and a vase that could be raised/lowered for $935.  But, he recommended that I overrule the father's wishes and put "Father" and "Son" on the plaque because it would be so confusing otherwise.  So we did.  Uncle John has never haunted me over it since, so his spirit is apparently ok with it.

I've often wondered why Uncle John had never had a grave marker made for his son and why he didn't make sure there was enough set-aside for it in his estate. He was very financially secure: a good job with Continental Oil, a good pension and he bought a profitable bar in retirement.

I know the loss of his only child was devastating - I was in my 20's when it happened and witnessed and shared his grief.

Did he try not to be reminded of the death?  Did he get angry at the end and not want "Son" on the marker?

Losing a child - especially a young child - can have effects that are hard to comprehend.

 

[MoseySusan]

1 hour ago, Mister Beanz said:

I do worry about her.  She is very unfocused at times.

Would she agree to grief counseling? 

[shootingstar]

2 hours ago, Mister Beanz said:

I've heard that a thousand times but yet Gina did.

I do worry about her.  She is very unfocused at times.  She will stop at a green light,  or go on a red light.  Her mind is elsewhere at times. 

I hate to get on her about things understanding her position but I explain to her that as sad as it is, she needs to snap out of it because it's dangerous. 

She rode her bike some a year after her first and started doing well but then the second son got pretty bad couple months before he passed and she didn't even want to ride her bike anymore.  

I hope she comes back around but I understand. Even before the second son passed,  we could be driving home from a nice dinner out, I'd look over and she'd have tears in her eyes then apologize for crying. 

No need to apologize,  I can't imagine what she's going through. Now with the second one. Very heartbroken.

 

So glad you're there to support her.  Your comforting presence and listening ear is key. I agree  worry about her driving/cycling attention.

3 hours ago, Zealot said:

My mom lost her first child (my older brother) to a heart attack when he was 38. She heartbrokenly told me many times after that a parent should never outlive their children. She never fully recovered from it and she died of cancer about 18 months later.

My sister lost her 3rd child to a high speed automobile accident when he was 21. I met her at the hospital that night and it was truly one of the most devastating things I’ve witnessed. Her family was torn apart and there was no way to offer consolation. I could only break with her.  😢 

 

As I said I lost our sister to suicide.  So for my parents it was an enormous shock.

We don't really talk about with mother about her much. Partially is language barrier and is very hard to turn a conversation around if she defensively goes somewhere else. However my mother has told various stories about her, to some of my siblings since they all live locally. I'm in another province.

What comfort is there? Nothing replaces her. Nothing. That's when I lost my good sleep pattern. Her hubby, adult niece and nephew, who are now each married, are still part of our family gatherings, etc. 

[Mr. Beanz]

1 hour ago, MoseySusan said:

Would she agree to grief counseling? 

She was offered to go when her first son passed. Invite from her daughter in law. She didn't want to go. Only to the final meeting to congratulate her daughter daughter in law on completing the course party dinner. 

Gina is a funny type who will not finish most things. She would go once then stop.

[Scrapr ★]

My sister passed in '98. My Dad who never ever showed emotions was very affected. At Thanksgiving he would give the blessing & mention her. He cried every time for 10 years

@Mister Beanz hugs to Gina. Being unfocused & having shit for memory is part of the loss thing. I had the same thing when Woscrapr passed. Still do....but a bit better now 3 years later. A few months after WoScrapr passed I asked a widow in the neighborhood what is going on with me? She explained that the brain has changed & it's part of the "deal"  As @MoseySusan perhaps some grief therapy would help

edit: I see you answered the therapy thing. Another thing I still do is listen to Grief podcasts. It helps. You see how others react & act to grief

https://www.noraborealis.com/podcast

https://www.dougy.org/news-media/podcasts

https://katebowler.com/everything-happens/

[Prophet Zacharia]

Not me, thank God. My cousin drown when he was 8. It destroyed my Aunt’s marriage, and I think to some degree her life. 

[MoseySusan]

3 minutes ago, Mister Beanz said:

Gina is a funny type who will not finish most things. She would go once then stop.

After 2nd Son was born, we joined a support group for new parents of special needs children. mr. went once. It’s how they are. 
 

I’ve started praying The Rosary every day. I’ll offer intentions of peace and comfort for Gina today while meditating on The Luminous Mysteries. 

[Mr. Beanz]

Just now, Prophet Zacharia said:

. It destroyed my Aunt’s marriage, and I think to some degree her life. 

That has come to my mind several times over the last few years with their illness knowing both were doomed. I was worried her sweet demeanor would change and maybe some day she might say she doesn't want to be married any longer or just go totally nuts. Thank goodness that didn't happen,   she's even sweeter than before. I guess one can not find anything that troubles her more than what has already happened. 

[Mr. Beanz]

9 minutes ago, MoseySusan said:

After 2nd Son was born, we joined a support group for new parents of special needs children. mr. went once. It’s how they are. 
 

I’ve started praying The Rosary every day. I’ll offer intentions of peace and comfort for Gina today while meditating on The Luminous Mysteries. 

Thank you!🙂

She is that way. I'm the exact opposite. I have to to finish. I remember years back,  she wanted to start taking vitamins. I take cheap one a day or centrum.

She saw some vitamin system on a commercial. I think it was about $75 for a 2 or 3 month supply.  She wouldn't stop talking about them so I took her to get them. 

She took them for about 3 days then they went to waste. Believe me,  I bugged and reminded her of the cost but didn't matter. She rarely finishes anything other than crypptograms.🙄

[Zealot]

There is no going around or avoiding dealing with grief - whether it’s the loss of a child, a spouse, a friend, etc. Grief must be dealt with; it must be embraced. 

I can’t say what that will look like for any particular person, but I will say it is one of the immutable truths of life. 🌸 

[Zephyr]

My worst nightmare.  While  I can imagine the pain and anguish because I have held the hands of, hugged and cried with many parents over the death of their child, I do not wish to experience it.  My cousin died at 31 of cervical cancer, her mother lived another 20 years but she was never really happy again.  It broke my heart to see her.

My heart goes out to Gina.

[Ralphie ★]

55 minutes ago, Mister Beanz said:

Thank you!🙂

She is that way. I'm the exact opposite. I have to to finish. I remember years back,  she wanted to start taking vitamins. I take cheap one a day or centrum.

She saw some vitamin system on a commercial. I think it was about $75 for a 2 or 3 month supply.  She wouldn't stop talking about them so I took her to get them. 

She took them for about 3 days then they went to waste. Believe me,  I bugged and reminded her of the cost but didn't matter. She rarely finishes anything other than crypptograms.🙄

How has she taken to Wordle and Quordle?

[Ralphie ★]

4 hours ago, Longjohn said:

We lost our eldest son, reported him missing. Eventually found him hiding out at the neighbors. He had run away from home.

We lost daughter #2 at Disney world for maybe a minute. We told the nearest worker and they were on it with their walkie talkies like glue. Turned her up very quickly. 

[JerrySTL ★]

When I was stationed in England, one night around 1AM the Red Cross called. One of my people's daughter was run over and killed in the States. Three years before Brad had another daughter killed in a car accident. The RC called me because Brad didn't have a phone. So at 2 AM, I was knocking at his door. One of the hardest, heartbreaking things that I've ever done.

[Mr. Beanz]

19 minutes ago, Philander Seabury said:

How has she taken to Wordle and Quordle?

She likes candy crush now.  She's tried a few others but sticking to this one for now. She doesn't want to give it up because she's on like stage 50,000.😄

She's never paid or bought extra lives. 

Have no idea if she's tried Woodley and doodle,  or whatever it's called. 😃