I hate being me

[Square Wheels]

That is all

[smudge ★]

We love you, man. 🫂

[Ralphie ★]

Yeah, what smudge said.  Plus, somebody had to do it!  

[petitepedal ★]

It might not always be good....

But it could be worse.

 

 

[Kirby]

We're glad you are you and love you.

[Thaddeus Kosciuszko]

Whatever doubts or regrets you have, know that everybody at some time feels as you do, so you are not alone.

I would suggest spending some moments considering the times you can remember having a positive influence or impact on another's life, and then reflect on that what you can remember isn't even half of the good things other people think you've done for them.  The little things that seem like nothing to you are often significant in another person's view - and they are grateful for what you did and who you are.

 

[Wilbur ★]

33 minutes ago, Thaddeus Kosciuszko said:

Whatever doubts or regrets you have, know that everybody at some time feels as you do, so you are not alone.

I would suggest spending some moments considering the times you can remember having a positive influence or impact on another's life, and then reflect on that what you can remember isn't even half of the good things other people think you've done for them.  The little things that seem like nothing to you are often significant in another person's view - and they are grateful for what you did and who you are.

Solid advice. 

[Airehead]

I love you. I hope that helps a little while you battle doubts. 

[Ralphie ★]

Don’t worry. Be happy. 

[maddmaxx ★]

Just remember that you fill an important place in the universe.  Somebody has to be you.

[bikeman564™]

[Ralphie ★]

For one thing, we forumites would be scattered asunder withoot our little corner of the internet to stretch oot in. Dust in the wind!  As my boss man likes to say, YDAGT!

[BuffJim]

You are important to us. 

[Randomguy]

6 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

That us all

That is weird, every time I pretend I am you, I feel pretty good.

Hang in there, and come here and be silly more often.  It will give you a chance to hate us instead!

[maddmaxx ★]

Cheer up.  You'd hate being me even more.

[bikeman564™]

1 hour ago, Ralphie said:

 YDAGT!

[jsharr ★]

You are awesome and you need to love you as much as we love you.

 

[Thaddeus Kosciuszko]

5 hours ago, Wilbur said:

Solid advice. 

It comes from experience.

I was having a pretty bad day, and was talking about it with one of my friends.

He said "Hey, it could be worse, you know.  You could be a real estate agent, a used car salesman, or an engineer."

I said "You do remember that I'm an engineer, right?"

He said "Man, you are so screwed."

[jsharr ★]

3 hours ago, Thaddeus Kosciuszko said:

It comes from experience.

I was having a pretty bad day, and was talking about it with one of my friends.

He said "Hey, it could be worse, you know.  You could be a real estate agent, a used car salesman, or an engineer."

I said "You do remember that I'm an engineer, right?"

He said "Man, you are so screwed."

You could be both?

[TrentonMakes]

I'm sorry that you're having a down time and I hope you swing back upward soon. But know that we all appreciate you. 

[MoseySusan]

How are you feeling today, @Square Wheels? 

[Square Wheels]

1 hour ago, MoseySusan said:

How are you feeling today, @Square Wheels? 

Miserable. 

I do appreciate all the support. 

I self sabotage, and don't know how to stop.

To an outsider, I have a perfect life.  I don't see it.

I buy more, it doesn't work. 

I drink more, or less, it doesn't work.

I pretend more, it doesn't work. 

I've had a dozen therapists over the decades,  none helped.

I've taken just about every med possible,  no difference.

No plans for physical self harm, probably more emotional self harm though.   Why not ruin a perfect life,  right? 

[MoseySusan]

7 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

Why not ruin a perfect life,  right? 

But from the outside, it’s just fine. Lots of “masking” folk out there. It wouldn’t be surprising or weird if you’ve just figured out the way life is supposed to look and have mastered the role. All while fully aware you’re playing along.
 

We’ve embraced you in all of the inner misery and the mask. 💞

[Wilbur ★]

42 minutes ago, Square Wheels said:

Miserable. 

I do appreciate all the support. 

I self sabotage, and don't know how to stop.

To an outsider, I have a perfect life.  I don't see it.

I buy more, it doesn't work. 

I drink more, or less, it doesn't work.

I pretend more, it doesn't work. 

I've had a dozen therapists over the decades,  none helped.

I've taken just about every med possible,  no difference.

No plans for physical self harm, probably more emotional self harm though.   Why not ruin a perfect life,  right? 

I am not a depressive.  My wife has been since puberty and at times it has gotten very rough.   She is good the past 10 years but she knows the days not to deal with others, we know the days she can’t be dealt with.  We know there is no such a thing as a perfect life, so we don’t chase it.  More than anything, my wife came to the realization that self destructive behavior mostly affected me and the girls and that has been her backstop.  It stops her.  I have never met a person that alcohol cured a problem for.  Keep seeking the right drug combination and the right doctors. 

[Thaddeus Kosciuszko]

1 hour ago, Square Wheels said:

 it doesn't work.

 it doesn't work.

 it doesn't work. 

 none helped.

 no difference.

When I see patterns like this, it's often because the 'solutions' address symptoms, and not the causes.  I would suggest some thought along those lines.  You probably won't come up with any answers right away - and maybe never - but you may find thinking about things a little differently offers some new alternatives.

1 hour ago, Square Wheels said:

To an outsider, I have a perfect life.

That in itself should be viewed as an accomplishment.  How many people have you looked at and said to yourself "Boy, have they messed themselves up!" So give yourself credit where it's due.

The other option I'd like to suggest is what I what call the "Do Nothing" option. 

Maybe whatever concern you have isn't 'fixable'.  So what?  If people could 'fix' all the problems with themselves, then they - each and every one - would be perfect.  How many times have people on the Forum posted 'People suck!'?  Look around and point out all the perfect people you see.  Remember all those non-perfect people have problems that aren't 'fixable'.  And if it isn't 'fixable' I'd suggest trying to 'fix' it is an impossible goal with which you're only setting yourself up for failure - which in turn feeds on itself.

I'd suggest, especially in times of doubt, remembering "There is nothing wrong with me.'  You aren't perfect, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.  So maybe you think you're different, or even abnormal.  There's a lot to be said for someone who is actually abnormal is some way, but still finds a way to productively function in society.  You're not hiding anything, you've successfully adapted.   Again, an accomplishment, and many times a considerable one. 

You be you.  Be the imperfect you.  Be the abnormal you, if that's what you are.  It's not easy.  One of the most difficult things in life is giving yourself that small measure of grace to accept you will never be perfect and may not ever be 'normal'. 

I'd suggest trying to find a way to turn your imperfections and/or abnormalities into strengths, or at least looking at them that way.  Start by picking one, just one supposed imperfection, and work only with that.  If you fail, big deal, you've lost nothing, and move on to the next.  For some, it's a more constructive way to use the time and energy that's almost always fruitlessly put into efforts to 'fix' things that in truth don't need to be 'fixed' at all.

[Airehead]

I understand. 

[petitepedal ★]

Success is often measured in dollars..but sometimes we need to step back and say...I survived

And that is success

I would love to be in a better place financially, and not worry about retirement ...but over the years, I have struggled...a friend points out how far I have come...and all I can see is how far I need to go

Sometimes, we need to live in the moment.

Words not only for you..but me and others as well

 

 

 

 

[Bikeguy]

3 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

I self sabotage, and don't know how to stop.

2 hours ago, Thaddeus Kosciuszko said:

When I see patterns like this, it's often because the 'solutions' address symptoms, and not the causes.  I would suggest some thought along those lines. 

@Square Wheels  I had to use Dr Google to try and understand (more like to be aware of) self sabotage.    (My primary care doc told me NOT to consult Dr Google)

This maybe a simple article... but then again... at heart I'm a simple guy.  https://www.verywellmind.com/why-people-self-sabotage-and-how-to-stop-it-5207635#toc-how-to-stop-self-sabotaging   

The interesting thing to me was the first suggestion for how to stop was   Examine the Root Causes    

You mentioned 'perfect life' twice.   I've learned, life is far from perfect.  In my opinion life is messy at best.  Unpredictable also comes to mind.  We 'think' we have control... but we don't.   And that's OK.   I do what I can and move on.   

I hope you find a way like yourself.  

[jdc2000]

You started this place for us.  That has been a benefit to everyone here.

Maybe a bike ride with some nice scenery would help.  It usually works for me.

 

[Dottleshead ★]

If it’s any consolation, we love you being you.

[Zealot]

I can empathize, SW. loving one’s self can seem an insurmountable task, especially when liking one’s self alone is a struggle. 

But TK has great advice here. And when so many here alone express how much you mean to them, you should sit and reflect on that.

We become what we think. 

I truly understand the struggle. 

I pray peace in your heart today. I pray God opens your eyes to the beauty He created in you. 

[Longjohn ★]

^ Well said, I have a hard time putting into words what I’m feeling but I hope you know I appreciate you @Square Wheels.

[Square Wheels]

Exercise doesn't help, but I often use it to push myself too hard.  That can feel good.

It isn't about liking me, I'm no better or worse than that than others.

@petitepedal, I often poopoo money problems.  Sorry about that.  All struggles are real.  A while ago, I decided no matter how much I made, I'd consider myself wealthy.  To many, I am; to others, I'm not.  I am able to buy what I want.

A few years ago, I bought a bike for 10k.  Is it an insanely amazing bike?  Of course.  I enjoy riding it, but I tried to buy happiness, and I failed.

This year I bought a 10k acoustic guitar.  Is it one of the finest guitars out there?  Martin nuts would say no, but I'd say yes.  It's a work of art, a fine musical instrument, and it sits in the corner.  That, too did not bring me happiness.

This year I bought a 100k car.  That is the closest to buying happiness I have found.  I do enjoy driving that.

Am I married to the kindest and most understanding woman I've ever met?  You bet.  Do I constantly try to ruin that?  Almost daily.

I may or may not go to my shrink appt in Nov.  I've been to many, but not in a long time.

[Wilbur ★]

2 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

I may or may not go to my shrink appt in Nov. 

If you go, you have to be completely honest otherwise there is no point. 

PS, if you bought a gun, have your wife hide it. 

 

[Square Wheels]

1 hour ago, Wilbur said:

If you go, you have to be completely honest otherwise there is no point. 

PS, if you bought a gun, have your wife hide it. 

I'll be honest, if I go.

At this point, no self harm planned, and no guns planned, but thanks for the suggestion. 

[Dottleshead ★]

6 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

Exercise doesn't help, but I often use it to push myself too hard.  That can feel good.

It isn't about liking me, I'm no better or worse than that than others.

@petitepedal, I often poopoo money problems.  Sorry about that.  All struggles are real.  A while ago, I decided no matter how much I made, I'd consider myself wealthy.  To many, I am; to others, I'm not.  I am able to buy what I want.

A few years ago, I bought a bike for 10k.  Is it an insanely amazing bike?  Of course.  I enjoy riding it, but I tried to buy happiness, and I failed.

This year I bought a 10k acoustic guitar.  Is it one of the finest guitars out there?  Martin nuts would say no, but I'd say yes.  It's a work of art, a fine musical instrument, and it sits in the corner.  That, too did not bring me happiness.

This year I bought a 100k car.  That is the closest to buying happiness I have found.  I do enjoy driving that.

Am I married to the kindest and most understanding woman I've ever met?  You bet.  Do I constantly try to ruin that?  Almost daily.

I may or may not go to my shrink appt in Nov.  I've been to many, but not in a long time.

So I did wonder at some point whether you were trying to buy happiness or at least trying to show others that you had a life going on. I appreciate your candor because I too have that thing going on. I think @Thaddeus Kosciuszko may have said it best. Since separation from my family, the only person’s life I see that I immediately impact positively is my wife’s and even then I eff that up. We are not the same SW — not by a long shot — but we are human and we share some common things and feelings. It’s ok to be depressed or down on ourselves. It’s part of the deal. Where I won’t allow myself to go — because I think it’s BS for myself — is self pity. It's good to talk about it.  I think it's good we know we are not alone or unique.  You aren't.

[shootingstar]

Thank you for continuing to offer and manage Cafe home for all of us here. Remember that the miracle of friendships created in Cafe, would have not been possible without you supporting it for all us over the past few years. That even the recent New Mexico troika meetup, wouldn't even have existed, without Cafe as the garden to plant seeds of friendship.

This alone, square, we owe it to you. You already have made a difference to Cafe members....because we return nearly daily or weekly to chat, look out for each other's well-being.

This is you, a tiny star that is part of many different patterns of other connections in constellation of Cafe connections and visits.

[Dottleshead ★]

11 minutes ago, shootingstar said:

This is you, a tiny star that is part of many different patterns of other connections in constellation of Cafe connections and visits.

I hope you like big stars.

[Bikeguy]

OK...  since you started this thread, I'll assume you want comments and/or advice.

First... I commend you on you commitment to establishing this place for posting and 10 years later... this small community is still alive and well because of your efforts and monetary support. 

We all have are unique differences and that's a good thing.  From time to time you (or a mod) keep us in line.  There are more than a few friendships here that would have never happened without this forum existing.  

By any measure this is a job well done.  

4 hours ago, Square Wheels said:

A while ago, I decided no matter how much I made, I'd consider myself wealthy.  To many, I am; to others, I'm not.  I am able to buy what I want.

A few years ago, I bought a bike for 10k.  Is it an insanely amazing bike?  Of course.  I enjoy riding it, but I tried to buy happiness, and I failed.

This year I bought a 10k acoustic guitar.  Is it one of the finest guitars out there?  Martin nuts would say no, but I'd say yes.  It's a work of art, a fine musical instrument, and it sits in the corner.  That, too did not bring me happiness.

This year I bought a 100k car.  That is the closest to buying happiness I have found.  I do enjoy driving that.

OK... so I hope you have learned you can't buy happiness.   I was fortunate to learn this a long time ago. 

I can buy just about anything I want too.  That said,  I have a 13 year old Subaru Foerster.  We purchsed that rather than a much nicer Mercedes GLK SUV back in 2010.  I've told WoBG more than a few times, you can trade your 26 year old 1997 Honda Prelude for ANY car you want.   Nope... she's still likes the car.  They are just cars. They work just fine.  Money can't buy happiness,.. but is sure can buy comfort and make life easier.  

Some unexpected things I learned while I was in the hospital with pancreatitis back in 2016.  Keep in mind, it hurt to breath... so I didn't do that much.  A few months after I was released WoBG told me the docs and she were afraid I was going to die. My O2 levels we soooo low the docs were worried that some of my organs would start to shut down and things would get worse from there.  (I had to go thru breathing PT before I was released.)   I learned I was not worried my stuff, money, work, etc... I was worried about WoBG and my daughter and my grandson.  I learned that life is VERY fragile and can unexpectedly change or end, and I have absolutely no control about any of that.    Having pain (kind of a horrible pain) 24 X 7 for weeks, I prayed to God to take me.  That didn't happen... so I figured there must be a reason to make it thru all of that.  Somewhere along that journey I also realized I need to work on being a better friend/husband to WoBG.   

49 minutes ago, Dottleshead said:

the only person’s life I see that I immediately impact positively is my wife’s and even then I eff that up

Yeah exactly... the one person who loves me the most...  from time to time I certainly can be a jerk to WoBG.  

I did not know about self sabotage until this thread.  And you go and post this.  

 

That sure could be self sabotage.   And even hints of wanting to end things...   (the comment about the bear).  

Then again.... if there is a plan, maybe the hike could be therapeutic?      You'd have months to meditate, and/or work on a spiritual awakening.  

My plan.. would be to take a leave of absence from work.  Have your wife involved to some degree. (a support person for you?)  And have a date for your return. 

Prayers for you... 

[shootingstar]

Only thought that there is probably a reason why you are still working full-time and if the reason includes meeting specific legal /financial obligations, then unless you can negotiate a leave (paid or unpaid) from job, seems like work is needed since it is also a relatively new position for you vs. other that was left in Boston.

Hope you walk on path to healing. Yes, you are incredibly lucky to be still with your great wife. A marriage intact and supportive is a fine thing indeed.

[MickinMD ★]

On 10/6/2023 at 3:48 AM, Square Wheels said:

That us all

You are kind, accomplished, hard-working, honest and all - or at least the most important - things we admire in good people!

Love ya', man!