So, would you know if someone in your home had a problem?

[MoseySusan]

I think I know what’s in every corner, cupboard, and closet at home. But I don’t know what mr does on his phone, and I don’t audit the bank and credit card statements. I wouldn’t know if he was sports gambling or trading NFTs…or other internet habits. When would you notice that your spouse or your kids had gone off the rails? 

[Razors Edge ★]

I use spider sense!

But, yeah, often it would seem you sense something is "off" but can't quite pin it down?  I'm pretty sure it is very easy to hide behavior even in a daily (hourly even) relationship.  Computers definitely make things easy to do without having to leave a house - gambling, porn, off-the-rails shopping, etc.. It becomes super hard with kids - out of the house all day and tech savvy - and for folks you can't use your normal daily interactions as a baseline.

[ChrisL]

Oh man tough one for me.  I don’t manage our finances, my wife does.  I honestly wouldn’t know if she is siphoning off money for gambling but if it were drug related I’d think I would see it in other behavior.  

I have lived with addicts so recognize many of the behaviors.

[MoseySusan]

4 minutes ago, Razors Edge said:

I use spider sense!

Right?! It seems like the home has a wavelength and I’d know if it was out of tune. 

[MoseySusan]

4 minutes ago, ChrisL said:

I don’t manage our finances, my wife does.  I honestly wouldn’t know

I’m rethinking our balance of tasks. mr does all of our son’s finances and Medicaid paperwork, too. I probably should learn how. 

[goldendesign]

Probably not. We sometimes turn a blind eye to patterns and behaviors. Also, our life experiences can wildly differ and certain cues are completely lost. I was dating and married to my wife for 4 years before I came to her with overcoming my cocaine addiction. She knew something was off but never connected the dots to drug use and addiction.

[Kirby]

The only other person in the house is my cat, and nobody knows what a cat is really up to.

[12string]

I had an aunt that passed away, poisoned from decades of alcohol abuse.  No one knew, because no one had known her sober

[maddmaxx ★]

Did she really ask about someone in my home with a problem.     

[Kzoo]

I don’t have a problem!

 

I said, I DON’T have a problem!

[shootingstar]

2 hours ago, MoseySusan said:

I’m rethinking our balance of tasks. mr does all of our son’s finances and Medicaid paperwork, too. I probably should learn how. 

Well, it's more just understanding what he pays attention to in terms of details and using the forms.

2 hours ago, Razors Edge said:

I use spider sense!

But, yeah, often it would seem you sense something is "off" but can't quite pin it down?  I'm pretty sure it is very easy to hide behavior even in a daily (hourly even) relationship.  Computers definitely make things easy to do without having to leave a house - gambling, porn, off-the-rails shopping, etc.. It becomes super hard with kids - out of the house all day and tech savvy - and for folks you can't use your normal daily interactions as a baseline.

Dearie and I had separate accounts.  It was simply easier that way...for us.  I did have a general idea of different investment styles between the 2 of us. He used line of credit...I never did at all.  We did discuss in general about finances:  for instance I knew how much in general he loaned to his daughter for condo. And what he provided to kickstart his son's butcher and sandwich shop.  

But over all, our general spending style for daily living, clothing, etc., was each sensible and never ridiculous. We rarely consulted each other over grocery lists that other couples seem  to do in such detail via iphone, etc..  I just bought what I did prefer to eat, what I thought he and I could share and stuck it in the fridge and cupboards. Same for him.  It was very osmotic and instinctive how we shared. 

If someone forgot something, really we worked around meal changes since we were incredibly loose and flexible how we ate/threw together a meal.  It's planning for special occasion meals that required the list of items in advance.  

 

[Randomguy]

If someone made chocolate bread pudding, that is a dead giveaway.  Well-done steak is another.  Man buns, super douche and a scream for help.  Raisins in food. 

There are more.

[Dottleshead ★]

2 hours ago, ChrisL said:

Oh man tough one for me.  I don’t manage our finances, my wife does.  I honestly wouldn’t know if she is siphoning off money for gambling but if it were drug related I’d think I would see it in other behavior.  

I have lived with addicts so recognize many of the behaviors.

Same! 

[petitepedal ★]

I blame the gray haired lady I sometimes see in the mirror..she buys stuff and the forgets or eats stuff from my fridge...yup that who I blame..she is spending big bucks on the powerball $4...today alone .

[shootingstar]

15 minutes ago, petitepedal said:

I blame the gray haired lady I sometimes see in the mirror..she buys stuff and the forgets or eats stuff from my fridge...yup that who I blame..she is spending big bucks on the powerball $4...today alone .

The ticket is probably only 2-3 times/yr.  I bought 2 raffle tickets for workplace charity fundraiser.  

[MoseySusan]

19 minutes ago, petitepedal said:

.she is spending big bucks on the powerball $4...today alone

It only takes one set of numbers. 

[Shu Fang Bastard ★]

When the SS finds cocaine in the house.

Couch

[MoseySusan]

5 minutes ago, Shu Fang said:

When the SS finds cocaine in the house.

Couch

I really would like to know how it got there, if they could figure out exactly where they found it.
 

My stepdaughter found all kinds of liter bottles of vodka throughout her house and outside, some empty, others partially empty. And said she had no idea her spouse was drinking himself to death. I just don’t know how that happens. 

[Zephyr]

Yes.  There is just two of us.  I can read her like a book.  

[Randomguy]

5 minutes ago, MoseySusan said:

I really would like to know how it got there

Does the phrase "Thanks, Obama" ring a bell?

[jsharr ★]

2 hours ago, Kzoo said:

I don’t have a problem!

I said, I DON’T have a problem!

I am glad to hear this.  I thought maybe I was a problem.

[Shu Fang Bastard ★]

48 minutes ago, MoseySusan said:

I
 

My stepdaughter found all kinds of liter bottles of vodka throughout her house and outside, some empty, others partially empty. And said she had no idea her spouse was drinking himself to death. I just don’t know how that happens. 

Drunks and addicts are really great at hiding things.

A few months after I got sober, I found a Pinto station wagon under my bed.

Couch

[Airehead]

I do not bank, invest, or pay bills. I am very trusting. Maybe too much?  I figure that if anything happens to Einstein, @Shu Fang will help me figure it out. 

[Airehead]

If it is really bad, I will go stay with some pups I know in Georgia. 

[Wilbur ★]

4 hours ago, shootingstar said:

Dearie and I had separate accounts. 

That would make sense for second relationships where the children of a first marriage can have better protection of inheritance. 

[Wilbur ★]

1 hour ago, Zephyr said:

Yes.  There is just two of us.  I can read her like a book.  

Same.  No secrets kept.  

[shootingstar]

15 minutes ago, Wilbur said:

That would make sense for second relationships where the children of a first marriage can have better protection of inheritance. 

And other way around also. I can keep what I have earned... I wasn't their mother.  I didn't try to be stepmother. They have a good mother already. I prefer to be aunt , adult friend in general.

[bikeman564™]

There's only one person in my home, and he has a biking addiction.

[Shu Fang Bastard ★]

12 minutes ago, bikeman564™ said:

There's only one person in my home, and he has a biking addiction.

Yea, but do you really know him?

He could be crazy, you see...

Couch

[Allen ★]

I’m single. I’m also reading this thread while staring into my open refrigerator with no idea what I’m looking for. 
 

I don’t think I have a secret life, but I should probably look for my wallet. 

[Longjohn ★]

2 hours ago, Shu Fang said:

When the SS finds cocaine in the “white” house.

Couch

FIFY

[BR46]

There's only two of us and we share just about everything. Everything from bank accounts to using each others phone. 

I knew that my mom liked to gamble and I knew she lied about how much she gambled. It wasn't until Wo46 and I were helping my stepfather get some paperwork filled out for mom being in Hospice how bad it was. 

 

[Bikeguy]

8 hours ago, MoseySusan said:

I’m rethinking our balance of tasks.

I do all of our finance stuff.  I document everything in Quicken.  I keep all of the paperwork too.  WoBG knows if she has any questions about our finances I can find exactly what we (or either of us) has spent on what, where and when,  etc...    That makes tax time very easy.   

If I recall a while ago, I happened to mention I paid a CC bill.  (We were watching a movie at home.)   WoBG realized that she had no idea that the CC bill arrived, I explained it's a paperless bill, just like all of our bills.    I asked.  'If I died, do you know how to pay the bills?'   Nope, I guess I'll need to learn that. 

10 hours ago, MoseySusan said:

When would you notice that your spouse or your kids had gone off the rails? 

There is only the 2 of us in our home.  I suspect (or at least hope) after 41 years I would notice a change.  

[groupw]

We share our accounts but she does most of the daily finances. But I get the texts from our credit card transactions. We were broke for so long, we just are in the habit of communicating about purchases. We have shared our passcodes for each other’s phones. I keep a list of my passwords for accounts on my PC. She does a lot of that on her phone and forgets what password she uses where.