I started the process

[jsharr ★]

of separation after close to 30 years of marriage.  Opened bank accounts in my name today.  Told Martha we need to start untangling our joint lives and moving on.  I think we will end up selling the house.  I have been here too long.  It is scary and lonely to think of starting over this late in life.  Not sure what that will look like.  The coming months will be hard, but they will be better than being trapped in a lifeless, loveless marriage.  I know that at some point the emotional dam I have built will break and lots of ugly stuff will come spilling out.  This makes me feel scared and alone

My biggest concern is how do I tell this to my boys and my mother.   I don't want the anger and the hurt to turn me into something I am not.  I do not want to say hurtful things no matter how badly I hurt.  The numbness is beginning to fade and the pain and hurt grow, but I realize this is part of the process I have to go through.   And I have come to the realization that I cannot do this alone.  I know I need to find someone to talk too, someone who knows about this, because I have no idea what to do next.  This makes me feel lost.

I was naïve enough to believe those words I said about til death do us part.  That is what is hardest.  I am a man of my word and this is one promise I will not be able to keep.  This makes me feel broken
 

The End

[Ralphie ★]

Good luck. We’re all counting on you!  Tough row to hoe, as they say. You can do it!  The Beginning. 

[maddmaxx ★]

There is a Japanese proverb:

 

Kamo ga negi o shotte kuru: "If “a duck comes carrying a negi onion on its back,” this describes a moment of great opportunity"

 

[Ralphie ★]

The boys don’t really know yet?

[Parsnip Totin Jack ★]

Hoping that you find peace in your journey.  I don’t believe that I’m alone in knowing you have the talents and skills needed to build a successful next chapter in your life. Vent all you need to here.

[Johnny Come Lately Name]

Been there, done that. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it needed to happen and we're both better for it. In retrospect, I realized it should have happened long before it did.

I'm sure the same will be true for you.

(Now get back to posting stuff I can shit on).

[petitepedal ★]

Find a good therapist..get recommendations from a couple of close friends and your physician..and interview them..make sure it is someone you can work with..

Have the talk with the boys..they probably know more than you think..

Then have the talk with mom..

Oh and make sure you have a good lawyer 

You are not the first or the last to have this challenge...you can do this.

[bikeman564™]

7 hours ago, jsharr said:

I know that at some point the emotional dam I have built will break and lots of ugly stuff will come spilling out.  This makes me feel scared and alone

 

I was IIRC 14, when my parents split. I was ok with it for the most part. My Dad then only lived about 8 miles away so it wasn't bad, and I seen him a lot. Lot of biking and camping trips But the dam of feelings breaking is really a thing. I recall hearing things said from one side about the other side. Then as I got older I realized "you really couldn't wait to say that". I'm sure when people are married, thoughts are kept private. But when divorced, the fucks really fly  

Wish I was closer to you, but hang in there. I can't relate, but it rarely seems like a good thing.

[Johnny Come Lately Name]

25 minutes ago, bikeman564™ said:

I recall hearing things said from one side about the other side.

That doesn't have to happen.

I never talked shit about my ex (and will not) and as far as I know, she's never done the same about me. Even if one does, the other doesn't have to - and the kids will notice and remember.

(And my son never got to play the old "play one parent off the other" trick. In fact, it kind of worked in reverse - he'd screw up, she'd chew his ass and then when I'd show up, she'd tell me and he'd get his ass chewed again, by me.)

[Parr8hed]

You have my number.  

Regardless of what happens with your  marriage just remember that the Cowboys will still suck.  

[Mr. Silly]

 

Neither I nor my parents have been through a separation or a divorce.  I have no reference to use to offer any significant advice.  

I have witness two divorces that went relatively smoothly.  The one thing they had in common was they didn't use the children to try to leverage their position when untangling their two lives.  One couple didn't have children, so it was a non-issue.  The other couple just agreed to keep the children out of it and follow the courts direction and stuck to the agreement.

I don't envy your situation, nor Martha's for that matter.  I sincerly hope you both can work through the process with respect for each other.

[Johnny Come Lately Name]

13 minutes ago, Parr8hed said:

You have my number.  

Pretty sure he's had your number for years

[KrAzY]

Sorry to hear this, if ya need something let me know. I’m just a stones throw away and have good aim.. 

[Razors Edge ★]

1 hour ago, bikeman564™ said:

I was IIRC 14, when my parents split. I was ok with it for the most part. My Dad then only lived about 8 miles away so it wasn't bad, and I seen him a lot. Lot of biking and camping trips But the dam of feelings breaking is really a thing. I recall hearing things said from one side about the other side. Then as I got older I realized "you really couldn't wait to say that". I'm sure when people are married, thoughts are kept private. But when divorced, the fucks really fly  

Wish I was closer to you, but hang in there. I can't relate, but it rarely seems like a good thing.

As a "child of divorce" too, this rings pretty true.  My mom - 40 yrs later and even after my dad's death - still harbors a ton of resentment across the whole marriage & divorce & my dad's later marriages and more kids.  What a tough thing to live with, and not a feeling I'd want to hold that long.

So, to our friend @jsharr, I'm hoping he gets the peace my mom never has gotten and realizes life is a messy mess of messes that he's a part of but not the only part. He's got great kids and they're old enough to handle the simple truth and will learn that life is complicated, relationships are complicated, and we can all still learn, grow, and navigate new and challenging circumstances.  

A nice thing about this place is there is likely someone (or several folks) who have "been there, done that" and can relate even when you think you're the only person dealing with something tough, sad, or irritating. Use us as a sounding board - public or private.  Jsharr knows folks like RG and FRS and others have done the divorce dance, but many others have done the "I'm old enough I've seen & done a lot of stuff" thing too.

[BuffJim]

I went through this 20 years ago. It was a pretty tough 2 years, but the anger and the raw feelings subside. I had a couple guys that I could talk to and they were very helpful, but also some who ran the other way. Telling my 9 year old daughter was very rough. 

We’re both remarried and cordial but not close. Will be seeing the ex quite a bit around my daughter’s wedding next month. I knew her extended family before I knew her, and when I bump into them, like I did at the wedding shower a couple weeks ago, we’re friendly.

Send me a private message if you want to talk.

[Randomguy]

9 hours ago, jsharr said:

of separation after close to 30 years of marriage.  Opened bank accounts in my name today.  Told Martha we need to start untangling our joint lives and moving on.  I think we will end up selling the house.  I have been here too long.  It is scary and lonely to think of starting over this late in life.  Not sure what that will look like.  The coming months will be hard, but they will be better than being trapped in a lifeless, loveless marriage.  I know that at some point the emotional dam I have built will break and lots of ugly stuff will come spilling out.  This makes me feel scared and alone

My biggest concern is how do I tell this to my boys and my mother.   I don't want the anger and the hurt to turn me into something I am not.  I do not want to say hurtful things no matter how badly I hurt.  The numbness is beginning to fade and the pain and hurt grow, but I realize this is part of the process I have to go through.   And I have come to the realization that I cannot do this alone.  I know I need to find someone to talk too, someone who knows about this, because I have no idea what to do next.  This makes me feel lost.

I was naïve enough to believe those words I said about til death do us part.  That is what is hardest.  I am a man of my word and this is one promise I will not be able to keep.  This makes me feel broken
 

The End

Fucking hell, your life is YOUR life, your kids and mom will understand.  Heck, they probably already perceive that something has been amiss for a while.

It is great that your kids are older, you don't have to fight over custody and time spent with them.  Starting over means that you get your life back, not be some husk of a stuck human that just goes through the motions and has to deal with a crappy loveless marriage.

Don't beat yourself up over naivete, it is so cliche.  I did the whole "How could I have been so stupid" phase, and although I still think that, I don't beat myself up anymore.  It is all just a snapshot from a time when you were dealing with the hand that was dealt to you.  Now you have a different hand, plus you get to do some dealing of the cards yourself.

You are fun, not dirt poor, and nature hates a vacuum.  There are plenty of chicks out there in the same boat, go play the field a bit and start choosing who you want to spend time with voluntarily for a change.

 

[Square Wheels]

It can get ugly.

I was far from a perfect dad, but my ex told them many things about me, mostly untrue.

She was and still is an alcoholic, that makes things so much worse.

[petitepedal ★]

 can I have your stuff.....

 

Oh wait...that goes in the divorce  

Hang in there 

[jsharr ★]

1 hour ago, F_in Ray Of Sunshine said:

Pretty sure he's had your number for years

1 800 BOURBON

[Johnny Come Lately Name]

9 hours ago, jsharr said:

 The coming months will be hard, but they will be better than being trapped in a lifeless, loveless marriage.

There, in your own words is "This may suck for a while, but I'll get through it and it will be better in the long run". Write it on your forehead, backwards, with a Sharpie so you can see it in the mirror every morning.

9 hours ago, jsharr said:

 I don't want the anger and the hurt to turn me into something I am not.

Then don't. Everything seems beyond your control right now, and some of it is, but this ^^ is not. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but...again. think long-term.

9 hours ago, jsharr said:

I have come to the realization that I cannot do this alone. 

Admitting you need help? That's a man card violation right there. 

9 hours ago, jsharr said:

I am a man of my word and this is one promise I will not be able to keep.  This makes me feel broken

This is nonsense. This is the sort of pity party you need to dispense with. You did the best damned job you could, but it didn't work. Pick yourself up, learn and grow.

9 hours ago, jsharr said:

The End

Of a chapter, maybe, but not the whole book. 

I see a whole lot of self-awareness in what you've written, and a lot of common sense. The trick is to make you listen to yourself!

[Ralphie ★]

1 hour ago, KrAzY said:

Sorry to hear this, if ya need something let me know. I’m just a stones throw away and have good aim.. 

You stop breaking those windows, Ernest T!  

 

[Ralphie ★]

Yes, like road construction. Temporary inconvenience, permanent improvement, once you get past the sadness of it not working oot. 

[jsharr ★]

1 minute ago, F_in Ray Of Sunshine said:

There, in your own words is "This may suck for a while, but I'll get through it and it will be better in the long run". Write it on your forehead, backwards, with a Sharpie so you can see it in the mirror every morning.

Then don't. Everything seems beyond your control right now, and some of it is, but this ^^ is not. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but...again. think long-term.

Admitting you need help? That's a man card violation right there. 

This is nonsense. This is the sort of pity party you need to dispense with. You did the best damned job you could, but it didn't work. Pick yourself up, learn and grow.

Of a chapter, maybe, but not the whole book. 

I see a whole lot of self-awareness in what you've written, and a lot of common sense. The trick is to make you listen to yourself!

Thank you all.  I have been through therapy several times in the past and I know myself pretty well.  I am not going to say evil things here or to my kids or too my mom.   I have a few close life long friends who I have been leaning on and they are the big reason I finally put on my big boy pants and told Martha it is time.    

I really do just want to toss my camping gear in my trunk and take a few weeks to just wander and process.  Sleep under the stars, sit beside running water and just be.   I have a friend who lives in a 24 foot motor home and works at State and National Parks.  I may call her and discuss her nomadic lifestyle.  I feel I could embrace this.  

[ChrisL]

Sorry man, I wish I could offer some sage advice.  Best I got is we’re always here for you. 

[jsharr ★]

3 hours ago, Ralphie said:

The boys don’t really know yet?

They know a bit, but not everything.  Know one, not even me, will ever know everything.   Martha is scared about this, but should not be.  

[MoseySusan]

I think you’re awesome. Chapter next, in which jsharr puts the amen in amenable while crossing a minefield. 

[Wilbur ★]

This has been sad but it is a solution.  There will be a period of immense pain and uncertainty but this too shall pass.  I am thinking the boys are old enough to rationalize their way through and perhaps it will be a learning experience for them.  I would be careful to never trash their mother no matter how difficult things are.  

[Kzoo]

Sorry jsharr, but you got this.

 

[Kirby]

9 hours ago, jsharr said:

They know a bit, but not everything.  Know one, not even me, will ever know everything.   Martha is scared about this, but should not be.  

Sorry to hear this, but sometimes a very hard choice is still the right one.    I don't blame Martha for being scared, and I wouldn't blame you if you were too. Change is hard, and it's easy to imagine the worst when you don't know what the future holds.   But I know you wouldn't make this decision lightly and that you've considered what is best for both of you.  And while talking to a professional may be helpful, know that we are always here to support and care about you as well.  You are not alone.

[BuffJim]

1 hour ago, Kirby said:

And while talking to a professional may be helpful, know that our fees are much better, and our collection tactics more humane.

FIFK

[maddmaxx ★]

Make sure there is a good table in the trailer.  You're going to need more RC cars.

[Johnny Come Lately Name]

I read the post title in Canadian and said “PRO-cess”.

[MickinMD ★]

Sorry for this sad turn in your road of life.

When I've been in emotionally trying situations, it helped so much to have a group of helpful friends and relatives and for me to be willing to open up to them as you are doing here.  Make sure to stay in touch with your personal support group, including your sons and mother.

[Chris...]

Was there a “this is the last straw moment” for you?

[Zealot]

You weren’t naive, Jsharr. 
 

Find a therapist or counselor who has experience in this. They can help you navigate the tumult of emotions. 
 

😔 

[jsharr ★]

On 4/17/2024 at 5:26 AM, maddmaxx said:

There is a Japanese proverb:

Kamo ga negi o shotte kuru: "If “a duck comes carrying a negi onion on its back,” this describes a moment of great opportunity"

And now for the rest of the story.

Duck and negi are often eaten together, so this is seen as a particularly fortunate combination. The phrase is often used for an opportunity involving a gullible mark. Another meaning for kamo (duck) is “sucker.”

[dinneR ★]

Good luck @jsharr. You'll feel a big weight lifted off your shoulders once you get through the difficult part. Life will improve.

[jsharr ★]

1 hour ago, Chris... said:

Was there a “this is the last straw moment” for you?

Indeed there was, but again, I will not be sharing any details here or elsewhere.    This is why it is going to be hard to explain to my mother without casting Martha in a bad light.   I think the boys realize what is going on, so I will share a bit more with them.  

[jsharr ★]

3 hours ago, Johnny Come Lately Name said:

I read the post title in Canadian and said “PRO-cess”.

did you follow that with an  Eh?  Also, if you are turning Canadian, you should probably go ahead and apologize to me.

[Randomguy]

3 minutes ago, jsharr said:

This is why it is going to be hard to explain to my mother without casting Martha in a bad light.

The boys don't need to hear anything bad about their mother.  Your mother, however, should be told the truth of the matter if she asks.  If that shows Martha in an accurate light, so be it.

[jsharr ★]

2 minutes ago, Randomguy said:

The boys don't need to hear anything bad about their mother.  Your mother, however, should be told the truth of the matter if she asks.  If that shows Martha in an accurate light, so be it.

Then what happens at holidays if Martha wants to be around the boys?  She does not have much family left and none in Dallas.  But she does have relationships with my family, our boys, our nieces, etc.    Do not want to take that from her.  

[ChrisL]

2 minutes ago, jsharr said:

Then what happens at holidays if Martha wants to be around the boys?  She does not have much family left and none in Dallas.  But she does have relationships with my family, our boys, our nieces, etc.    Do not want to take that from her.  

My wife’s family has that dynamic in that my MIL married her best friends brother.  So after the split the MIL still hung out with WOChrisL’s aunt and grandparents.    It was fine & not awkward at all.  

[Randomguy]

46 minutes ago, jsharr said:

Then what happens at holidays if Martha wants to be around the boys?  She does not have much family left and none in Dallas.  But she does have relationships with my family, our boys, our nieces, etc.    Do not want to take that from her.  

Like I said, don't tell the boys anything bad about their mother, all they need to know is that it didn't work out and you are divorcing, and that you are trying to remain civil.

As for your family, you would not be taking that from her.   Her actions are her actions and whatever consequences flow from that, flow from that.   She made choices, and choices have consequences.   I am not saying to go scorched earth on bookface or anything, but since your mother will primarily be the one you don't want to disappoint with your actions, let her know that your actions did not precipitate this and why.  Your mother can do what she wants with that information.

Your parents are on your side, and should remain so.  If they want to forgive, which you can advocate for if you like, then that is their choice.  If you just want to explain to your mother, you can always ask that it be between just you two and not be spread around.   Don't be more concerned with Martha's feelings than your own feelings or your mother's.   

Edit:  I personally wouldn't want the ex showing up at all holidays and family events, maybe an occasional drop in would be ok.  At some point, you are gonna bring some chick or other to Christmas or Thanksgiving or the satanic holidays like Halloween and Easter, so it might be a bit awkward if she is there (or brings some butthead or other with her).  Not being married means you don't do married things together on purpose.  Your ex can go see your family when you aren't there is the way I see it.  She can go travel and see hers if they aren't local.

[groupw]

It’s gotta be hard. The loveless part really hits. There are times where WoW and I don’t like each other, but the love for each other gets us through. If it wasn’t for that, I can think of a few times when things could have ended. You deserve someone with feelings for you and I hope that time comes again. 
We’re on your side and here when you need us. 

[Rattlecan ★]

Another one in the been there done that camp here.

You have no idea yet how strong you are but the realization will come to you that you got this.

Not before some considerable pain and healing, but this too shall pass.

We are here for you man.

[Bikeguy]

9 hours ago, jsharr said:

Then what happens at holidays if Martha wants to be around the boys?  She does not have much family left and none in Dallas.  But she does have relationships with my family, our boys, our nieces, etc.    Do not want to take that from her.  

This ^  is way more compassion for others than many would think about.

You will get thru this...    You are stronger than you know.

[Further]

10 hours ago, jsharr said:

Then what happens at holidays if Martha wants to be around the boys?  She does not have much family left and none in Dallas.  But she does have relationships with my family, our boys, our nieces, etc.    Do not want to take that from her.  

Are you sure you're republican ?

[Dottleshead ★]

On 4/16/2024 at 9:07 PM, jsharr said:

of separation after close to 30 years of marriage.  Opened bank accounts in my name today.  Told Martha we need to start untangling our joint lives and moving on.  I think we will end up selling the house.  I have been here too long.  It is scary and lonely to think of starting over this late in life.  Not sure what that will look like.  The coming months will be hard, but they will be better than being trapped in a lifeless, loveless marriage.  I know that at some point the emotional dam I have built will break and lots of ugly stuff will come spilling out.  This makes me feel scared and alone

My biggest concern is how do I tell this to my boys and my mother.   I don't want the anger and the hurt to turn me into something I am not.  I do not want to say hurtful things no matter how badly I hurt.  The numbness is beginning to fade and the pain and hurt grow, but I realize this is part of the process I have to go through.   And I have come to the realization that I cannot do this alone.  I know I need to find someone to talk too, someone who knows about this, because I have no idea what to do next.  This makes me feel lost.

I was naïve enough to believe those words I said about til death do us part.  That is what is hardest.  I am a man of my word and this is one promise I will not be able to keep.  This makes me feel broken
 

The End

We love ya Jeff. We are here to make sure you don’t take yourself too seriously. Thirty years is a good run but even aged prosperous fruit trees need to be pruned or they will die. So suck it up and come in here and take it out on @Razors Edge. 

The End.

[Ralphie ★]

25 minutes ago, Further said:

Are you sure you're republican ?

I think you get ejected from Texas if you aren’t. Or maybe just banished to Austin. 

[Dottleshead ★]

12 hours ago, Randomguy said:

The boys don't need to hear anything bad about their mother.  Your mother, however, should be told the truth of the matter if she asks.  If that shows Martha in an accurate light, so be it.

All true unless Martha has pictures of him in some uncompromising and embarrassing moments.